Still Crying

I’m having moments were I’m doing okay. I looked at some pictures of my dad – had to pick some out for the slideshow – and I was able to laugh and smile. I shared them on my social media. My mom called me yesterday afternoon (about 2:30) and asked if I wanted to drive down. I went ahead and drove down. It was hard. A couple of people were there helping with funeral details.

The funeral has to be a closed casket because there was just too much damage done. However, during family visitation today the casket will be open. I can’t. I can’t see him like that. I don’t want the last memories I have of my dad to see how badly he looked. So, I have decided not to go to visitation. I hope I’m making the right decision. I already have so many regrets during this situation, I don’t want not going to visitation to be another regret.

Found out the guy that hit him head on had received a speeding ticket the day before the accident. He was clocked doing 102mph. He apparently threw the ticket in the ditch.

My daughter cried most of the way home last night. She shares many of the same regrets that I do (not telling him goodbye at Thanksgiving. deleting all of his texts, without knowing we would never receive another text from him. not making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving.) I explained is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to talk about my dad, to tell stories, to remember him.

One regret I’m really starting to have is inviting my ex to the funeral. I went back and forth of what I should do. It would be nice to have him there to help with our daughter. My dad did not like him. I don’t want any drama from ex, that’s for sure!

I found out some more funeral details. I kind of want to take pictures. Is that tacky? I want pictures – there is going to be a bagpipe player (one request I remember my dad made over and over, ever since I was a young child), and he was a firefighter so the firefighters are going to do a last call (I think is what it is called. right now I struggle thinking of the correct words). But the funeral is going to be gorgeous. There are going to be so many people. My dad was so well liked and loved by everyone. He had this smile that made you smile.

(I plan on writing a post about my dad. I just need more time to find the words and my thoughts.)

I still have a voicemail on my phone – it is from my mom on Friday. I know it was when she was at the hospital. I have not listened to it. I can not bring myself to listen to it. The middle child was there when she left the voicemail. He told me not to listen to it, ever.

Oh, about inviting ex to the funeral. There is not going to be a family car available to drive us to the cemetery. I know I am going to need to ride with someone. I know I will be able to drive back home, but I will need a ride so I do not have to think about driving at that moment. I asked ex if he was coming to the funeral. He said “yeah, probably.” I asked if my daughter and I could ride with him to the cemetery. He refused. I was so mad. I wanted to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that I don’t want him back. I just want a ride from the funeral home to the cemetery. Maybe I should un-invite him.

Funeral

My dad’s funeral is going to be Tuesday.

Typing those words is so insane. I still can not believe my dad is gone. I can not believe I will never seen his smile or get to chat with him ever again.

Friday, when I went with my brother to get the things out of the car, I asked my brother if he thought it would be a closed casket. I seen the damage to the car. I could only imagine what condition my dad’s body was in. My brother figured it would be an open casket.

I found out yesterday, dad’s funeral has to be a close casket. I fell apart again. I try to stop crying, but I can’t. I did remember to eat yesterday. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours. I’m still working and still taking my daughter to all of her activities. I want to keep functioning.

I have welcomed hugs from anyone willing to let me cry on their shoulder.

Since the funeral is closed casket, we are going to have a slideshow. I am so heartbroken. I do not have a single photo of my dad from 2018. Not one!

We always do a family photo on Mother’s Day. Well, this year I went to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, we did not do a photo. I was so tired and didn’t feel well. Then, we usually do a picture on Thanksgiving. I didn’t even get to tell my dad goodbye or give him a hug. He was so focused on mom. I have the regret of not telling him goodbye. I took for granted that I would see him on Christmas. Earlier last month, I deleted all the texts in my phone. I do that every few months to clear up space. I didn’t know I was deleting the last messages I will ever receive from my dad. I regret that so much.

I think about everything my dad is going to miss – My daughter turning 13 in a few weeks, for example. I break down again.

I invited ex to the funeral. I don’t know if that was the right choice or not, but I may fall apart. I may need help with our daughter. If he will be there and be supportive then I want him there. My dad did not like ex, but my dad would want my daughter and me to be happy and okay. I also know, if it was one of ex’s parents I would be at the funeral for him and my daughter.

Missing My Dad

I’m still in shock that he is gone. I haven’t really stopped crying. I forgot to eat for 24 hours. When I finally ate, I got so sick. I had my ex to help me tell our daughter. All three of us cried in the parking lot.

I took off work yesterday to go down to be with my mom and siblings. I went to get all the personal stuff out of the car. I threw up. I completely broke down seeing the sight of the car, and all his blood.

He was killed on impact. One driver hit him head on (police said this driver tested positive for drugs) and another driver (who was following way too close) ran into the back of the car. I’m glad he did not suffer.

I hate that Thanksgiving was the last time I will ever get to see my dad. And that visit wasn’t that good. I wish I could go back and hug him and tell him how much I love him.

People are asking me what they can do to help. I don’t know. I want my dad back. I want to talk to him again. I want a box of tissues and a hug from anyone, honestly!!

I am walking a fine line of how much do I allow myself to grief and how strong do I have to be for my daughter and the family. I forced myself to cook dinner last night. Neither of us ate more than a few bites. I almost wonder if it would be tacky if I asked all these people asking what they can do to help, if I asked them to bring food/dishes over that I could just heat in the microwave.

Parenting After the Divorce

I stayed in my marriage for so long, not because I was happy – actually, I was happy when ex was deployed or at work. We fought like cats and dogs during our marriage. – I stayed because of my daughter. I was afraid ex would take her from me. I did not want to raise her in a broken home. And, the scariest thought, I did not want ex to find another woman to replace me as my daughter’s mom.

I know my daughter is more responsible and independent because she has been raised in a divorced situation since she was seven years old. She has had to grow up, way too fast, because she would live between multiple houses. I know that is really hard on her, but I also know there is nothing I can do about that.

I stayed with ex for two years after my divorce. When I found out about girlfriend and them being intimate, I bowed out. I did not want to be a booty call, or have sloppy seconds. I did not want to continue to allow ex to use me for sex. It killed me. I fell into a deep depression. I know it impacted my ability to parent at times. I remember, my daughter not wanting to come with me one occasion. Guys, that is a feeling I never want to feel again. The thought of my child not loving me or not wanting to be with me.

Now, I know I am a great mom. I know my daughter loves me and knows she can depend on me.

I read an article last night about someone growing up and remembering their parents were always in the stands at everyone of their games and activities. And that is how I am with my daughter. I work crazy hours. I have a ton of gray hair from the stress. I have dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I worry about bills and money. I still fight with ex. BUT, I am there for my daughter. I am in the stands. I am cheering her on. I am supporting her. I am taking pictures.

Last night, ex came early to get her. He didn’t even bother telling me what time he was coming over. I only knew when to expect him because he texted our daughter. He really needs to grow a pair and communicate with his ex-wife. That’s why I occasionally lash out at him, because I let all of his stupidity and his annoying behaviors slowly build up until I can’t take anymore. Anyway, since he came early, my daughter and I did not have enough time to work on her homework. So, I told her to text me if she had any questions. I stayed up until almost 10pm waiting for a text from her. (I know that doesn’t sound late, but when you have to be at work at 3am, it is late.) I gave up and went to bed. I woke up with several texts from her asking for help with her math. Okay, I’m usually really good and quick with math. These problems were graphing linear equations from word problems. NOOOO! I hate word problems! So, I watch a couple of videos to refresh my memory on what the hell needs to be done to solve and I try to quickly sketch out the information to snap a picture and send to her.

It is not the parenting I dreamed of growing up. When ex and I got together, we talked about have 2-3 kids. I didn’t dream of having 1 child and having to help her with homework through texts, at her dad’s girlfriend’s house.

“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home. ┬áNo response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?

A Slight Break in the Darkness

Not going to lie, this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Ex proposing to girlfriend – even though I’ve expected it for years, I didn’t know how I’d handle it – has been a little rough. Tuesday, I was in tears. Left me feeling so confused and emotional. I started doing a little research – apparently, there are “stages” that one goes through in this situation. I looked through, and see it made more sense of how I’m feeling:

  1. Shock. My shock was that he actually did it. I mean after being with her for – let’s pretend they’ve never broken up – four years. “Us” being done for three years. Him telling me he is never getting married again. Him talking so negatively about girlfriend. Yes, I was shocked. Monday, when I found out, I didn’t feel any emotions – I was actually numb. That was my shock.
  2. Jealousy. Yes. Jealous she got a better proposal – I’m sure a nicer ring, haha. Jealous that he gets the “family” life and I am still fucking alone and single as hell. Jealous that ex’s life is moving forward and I feel stuck. Except it’s not like I’m stuck in concrete. I’m stuck in quicksand. I try to get out and I get pulled back down, deeper than before.
  3. Anger. I am angry. I don’t who I’m angry at though. I’m hiding my sadness with anger. I went to work today and someone asked where my daughter was. I said with ex. They were very surprised because apparently they seen girlfriend’s “big announcement” on social media, and was surprised they would want my daughter around. WHAT?! FUCK YOU!! Apparently, my daughter didn’t even see girlfriend last night. Ex and girlfriend hid in the bedroom all evening. I’m angry that I have to send my daughter over there. Why can’t she stay with me? At least when I have her we visit or play games, something!! My daughter asks me each time if she has to go over there. It is so heartbreaking.
  4. Relief. I am ready for this stage. Apparently in this stage you are relieved that you are no longer with ex. He is no longer your problem. I’m so afraid that I will not hit stage for weeks, months, or even years. I know it being the holidays is going to make this so much harder. I’m alone for the holidays. All I can do is cry. I tried talking to my mother about it, and she changed the subject. I tried talking to a friend about it, and she changed the subject – think because she seen I was fighting back tears. I mean, I get my ex is toxic. I GET THAT. So why am I not relieved that he is going to marry girlfriend?!? Because I am afraid he will no longer financially support our daughter. I suddenly feel like second best. I know I’m the one that filed for divorce. I know I’m the one that finally said “enough” when I found out ex was with me and girlfriend. So, why do I feel like I am trash? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I feel like I did back during the divorce and after I stopped seeing ex three years ago? Why can’t I realize there is nothing wrong with me – it’s him. It’s always been him. NOT ME.
  5. Strength. This stage talks about after being petty and angry; after all the emotional roller coaster is over you realize you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. This will be true – I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, as I’ve said so many times before, I’m tired of proving how strong I really am.
  6. Appreciation. You’ll appreciation life and where you are in life.

Of course, depending on which site or article you read there are other stages, but these are the ones I came across the most.

Writing this has been through tear-blurred vision with some pauses for complete and utterly break-down, hard sobbing. I know ex is not good for me. I seen him today – he didn’t even acknowledge me – I looked at him and didn’t find him attractive. I was hurt that girlfriend’s youngest kid was wearing a shirt of ex’s that he’d given me back in high school. I hope my soul mate is out there. I just hate that I’m still alone. I was faithful to ex – he was the cheater. Why do I get punished for my faithfulness by still being single? Why is it the man that never wanted to get married again is now engaged? Why is it the man that never wanted more kids – especially daughters – because he didn’t want to deal with hormones is engaged to a woman with three daughters? Why is it the man I was married to was a workaholic during our marriage, now takes vacation days all of the time?

Online dating hasn’t really helped this week. I had a zombie appear. He is now blocked. I get getting busy and not replying for a few hours or even until the next day. BUT it has been 14 days. Boy, please. I know what happened. He found another chick and when that didn’t work out, or he got a piece of ass, and then decided to make sure I was still on the back burner. I am worth more than being some guy’s Plan B. *block*

Positive thing with work – I got a fourth job. I am so excited about this one. Great pay. Could really open some doors. It will probably be after the holidays before I get to sign my contract and everything, but I’m still very excited.

 

Drowning

Image result for failing at life meme

Well, my thought today is: I’m failing at life.

Everything is crashing around me.

Work and Money. Even though I work multiple jobs – hours this time of year are short because of the holidays and winter hours. Or, I have to cut hours for one job to get hours for another job. All of which hurts my bank account. Money is crazy tight – haven’t gotten a child support check for a couple of weeks; and yes, the weekly child support isn’t much, but every little cent helps. I thought I was getting my head above water last week. I cancelled insurance to save some money, and I talked to someone about getting a tax break for my property tax – turns out I was supposed to have been getting this break for several years but my paperwork “got lost” on their end. I honestly didn’t think must about it. I thought the break was just for one year. Of course, they are not going to back pay me all that money – I wish they would. Yesterday, I opened the refrigerator and it left a little on the warm side. Things were still cold. I don’t want to – I CAN’T AFFORD TO – replace that refrigerator right now. I shouldn’t have to replace it already. I bought it about two years ago. Yes, it was a cheaper one, but it should work longer than two bloody years!! I’m counting down the months until I get my car completely paid for – that will be extra money each month when I don’t have car payments – but I still have about ten months to go.

Dating/Relationships. I’m still having mixed feelings about ex. I actually had a dream about him. In my dream, he called me to bitch at me that I left him blue-balling. (A phrase that ex used often during our marriage. I’ve always hated that phrase.) I woke up so angry. Mainly, angry at myself. Why am I still dreaming about him?!?

I suck at dating. I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone in days. In fact, we’re slowly inching closer and closer to a year mark since I’ve been on a date!!

Parenting. Now, typically I know I am a kick-ass mom. I take care of my kid. I help her with school work. I drive her to her millions of activities. Just, last night, with everything that was happening I felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I had two loads of clothes that were needing to be washed. Before I went to pick her up from practice I had the first load in the washer. The second load was lying in the floor so I could throw it in the wash when I got back. When we got home, I put the first load in the dryer and started the second load in the washer. Well, apparently, my daughter and a friend decided they wanted to wear their new cheer shirts to match at school today. That shirt accidentally got thrown into the washer, too. I guess it was sitting by all of her bags for school, which was close to the second load of clothes and I just assumed it went with the pile of clothes. I forgot to check the clothes after that. My daughter waited until the very last minute to find her clothes for school. Yep, that shirt is still chilling out in the washer. Parenting fail.

Processing: fears, pain

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Yesterday, well last night, I found out ex got engaged. My daughter and I talked about it a lot last night. She is angry, bitter, hurt, sad. I asked her if she was happy. She said no.

We both knew it was coming. Ex moved in with girlfriend a couple of weeks of go – when exactly, I don’t even remember. But funny thing, he told our daughter the bad thing about moving in with girlfriend full-time is he has no where to go when he doesn’t want to be around girlfriend. I asked our daughter why wouldn’t ex want to be around girlfriend. Apparently, she gets annoying to ex and there are some days he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her.

My daughter said she had seen pictures of rings on ex’s phone. So, she knew it was coming, but she was still hurt that ex did not tell her. She said yesterday before school she asked him to bring her lunch – fast food – and he hesitated and told her that he would be out of town – he knew what his plans were. WHY COULDN’T HE HAD JUST TAKEN FIVE MINUTES AND TALK TO OUR DAUGHTER?!? What, was he scared of what our daughter would say? If he thinks he is making a mistake then maybe he shouldn’t have asked girlfriend to marry him.

I’m bitter that girlfriend got a better proposal than I did – why? I really don’t know. I mean, ex isn’t a “better” person now. So, I really don’t know why I’m a little hurt about that. I’m very hurt that he would avoid our daughter’s feelings and talking to her.

One thing that really does hurt is I’m. Still. Single.

This really brings me to tears! I was faithful during our marriage. I was faithful to him after our divorce. I have tried to date. I have been ghosted, stood up, catfished, lied to, and yet I still can not find anyone to date, much less actually have a relationship with.

Why does ex get everything? A new wife. Kids. An easy job. Lots of money.

As stupid as it sounds, I think I’m being punished.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m scared.

A few fears:

What if they get married on “our” wedding date. I may throw up if that happens. So, ex doesn’t pay a lot with child support. I’ve never taken him back to court even though he is making so much more, because when I say our kid needs something he will bitch and moan, but he will give me the money for it. Since he got this job on the base, he is making so much more, he has started giving extra every two weeks. He knows the courts would order him to pay more child support, so this is a why to keep me “content.” What if that extra money stops? What if anytime our daughter needs something, he has to go through girlfriend first?

What if their marriage doesn’t last? My daughter has already lived through one divorce; them breaking up multiple times; and moving into girlfriend’s house. What would another divorce do to her? Girlfriend has already been married twice before. So, a divorce in their future is not a wild leap, seriously. Ex is a challenge to live with – and they don’t even live together all the time. He lives out of state most of the week and just comes in on weekends. Hmm, I want them to have to live together full-time and see this isn’t some joke, a fun little sleep-over, or high school dating.

This morning, I woke up and ex being engaged was the first thought that popped into my head. I think yesterday’s feelings and actions – not being sad or really mad, just annoyed by his behavior of not telling our daughter – were from shock. I think today I am processing it and real feelings are coming out now. I am teary-eyed. I am scared and hurt. I’m trying to figure out why though. I think I still love ex – or at least the idea of him that I’ve forced myself to have for so many years. I’m afraid of the future – the money; he already chooses them over our daughter – I fear it will be worse now. What if he adopts the kids? What if he gets killed? Will girlfriend get the benefits? Will everything still go to our daughter?

I know this is a topic I am going to write about a lot. I need to process. I need to understand my feelings. I need to understand the best way to support my daughter.

Doesn’t help that physically I’ve been in pain for a couple of days. I’m going to blame the insane weather… But my c-section scar is about to kill me. Not sure what the deal is.

Well, My Nightmare Happened

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For years, I’ve worried about how would I feel if, and when, ex gets engaged to girlfriend. Would I be happy? angry? sad? How would I find out? How would my daughter feel? Would she get to be there to watch the proposal? Every Christmas, New Year’s, and birthdays I’ve tried to prepare myself for ex to ask girlfriend to marry him.

They moved in together a week or so ago. Apparently, today he popped the question. I was surprised that I was not sad. I don’t know if I am happy or not, because how it happened actually was horrible.

I picked my daughter up from practice. She was on social media and said “dad got married today.”

I asked “married or engaged?”

She said, “I guess engaged.”

When did that happen?

I guess today.

Oh, how do you know?

Girlfriend’s kid posted something on social media.

***

By this time, my daughter is fighting back tears. She said ex didn’t tell her. He didn’t pack her lunch today. And girlfriend will not accept her friend request on social media.

So, I call ex.

***

Hello, why didn’t you pack our daughter lunch for school today?

I didn’t know I needed to.

She doesn’t eat chili.

Well, sorry.

Oh, did you get engaged today?

Yes.

Did you say anything to our daughter?

No, because it just happened today.

You can’t tell me you didn’t know beforehand to at least give her a heads up.

I was going to tell her later.

Girlfriend’s kid posted it. Our daughter’s feelings are hurt.

***

He talked to our daughter for maybe two minutes on the phone. All she said was “okay.”

She hands me the phone back.

***

Me: What?

Oh, I guess she’s done talking to me.

She handed me the phone back.

Well, I told her why I didn’t tell her beforehand and I apologized.

Yeah, sorry doesn’t mean much coming from you.

***

By this time, I am angry. I am bitter. He took girlfriend to a mountain overlook to propose. (Yes, he told me). Now, my feelings are hurt.

I said, “awe, at least she got a better proposal than I did. Congratulations.”

***

When ex proposed to me, many many years ago, we were sitting in the car. We were sitting in the parking lot about to go into a restaurant. He pulled out a ring box and tossed it at me and said “here.”

I’ve talked to my daughter. She is hurt. She is mad. She said she is not happy about the situation.

She said when she gets engaged she is not telling him.

My heart broke. That is what my ex is teaching our daughter? Great…

I told her before I get engaged, if it ever happens – I can’t even find someone to date – the guy will have to get permission from my daughter first.

I told her that at least she’ll get a part in the wedding. She’s like, yeah everybody gets a part even if it’s just being a guest to witness the wedding. So, my daughter is bitter.