Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home. ┬áNo response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?

What Is Best for the Child

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I did fear getting a divorce for so long because of my daughter. Growing up, I didn’t really know any children from divorced families. The one I did know, she already had a step-father and was adopted by the step-father. So, I never wanted my daughter to grow up in a broken home.

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I know – deep down – that divorcing my ex was the right decision. He brings out the worse in me, which affects my parenting for my daughter. For those two years after the divorce that I stayed with ex, I was still showing a horrible example for my daughter.

Teaching her what love looks like and how people that love you should treat you well is important. Even after I was finished with ex, I would still defend him. I would make excuses for him, because in my mind I was doing what was best for my daughter.

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I realized by making excuses for ex was really not the best thing for my child. I was teaching her that if someone loves you then they treat you horribly and like your feelings do not matter. Now, the best I can do is apologize to my daughter for ex’s behavior. I can’t fix it. I can not make excuses. I cannot change it. I do not regret he is her father – the two of us made her.

Honestly, I do not know if my ex would qualify to be a “narcissistic” individual. I hear and see that term used so much that I really do not want to misuse it. I do believe he definitely has narcissistic behaviors. I do know instead of communicating with me, he lies to me or he uses my daughter as a messenger.

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There are many examples of how ex will not co-parent with me. He teaches my daughter to lie to me. He undermines me. He tries to turn her against me.

He was supposed to be gone for another week on orders. Well, that fell through. So, guess who came back on Friday? *joy…*

I did ask ex about switching days – I get my daughter for Saturday and he get her for Sunday – because we’d already had plans for this weekend. Technically, I think I had the legal right not to let him have her at all this weekend, but I am not going to behave like that.

Well, ex sends my daughter a text saying that since he is getting her Sunday he is just going to ask me if he can keep her Sunday night and take her to school on Monday morning. My daughter and I have a great relationship. She tells me what ex says. She does try to keep me inform so I’m not completely blindsided, BUT she is a child. It is not her job or her responsibility to do that.

So, yesterday when ex came to pick up my daughter I was waiting for him to ask about taking her to school on Monday. He said nothing about it. He turned to leave and said “I’ll see you later.”

Really, he is going to leave without saying anything? He needs to communicate.

So, I ask “when are you bringing her back?”

He says, “Uhh, I was kind of hoping I could take her to school on Monday.”

Me: It’s up to her what she wants to do.

My daughter hates making decisions. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. She doesn’t want to cause dramas or fights. Her and I had already discussed her staying with ex Sunday night – so I knew her thoughts and feelings on the subject. I see my daughter’s anxiety starting up. I tell her to go get all of her stuff for school.

She goes back into the house to get all of her stuff.

Me: When were you going to ask about taking her to school?

Ex: Uhh… right now.

I want to scream at him. I know he think he is being cute and funny, but I no longer find him cute or funny. I find him challenging.

Me: Well you need to start communicating with me.

Ex: I sent her a text asking her about talking to you about me taking her to school on Monday.

Me: You need to ask me. Don’t expect her to do it.

Ex: I know.

Sure he knows, but he doesn’t care. We will have the same issue in the future. Nothing is going to change.

 

 

Random Thoughts for Today

Weight loss update; C-section story; Co-parenting Guilt; and Online dating adventures…

My mind has a million thoughts racing around today. So, let’s see if I can place some of this randomness in enough order its easy to understand and follow.

Weight Loss Update

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted about my weight loss journey. Honestly, I’ve slacked a bit on my exercising. I live in a trailer house and during the summer months its like living in a tin can. I make the excuse of the heat to pass on working out for the day.

I have been mindful of what I eat, and when I eat. It’s easy for us to just grab something in town. My daughter has so many activities that fast food is just convenient. I am cooking at home.

So, drum roll please… I’ve lost 11 lbs.

I know, that’s not much. I still have so much more to lose, but baby steps. When I began this weight loss journey I weighed 280 lbs. I want the weight to stay off. I want to make it be a habit, not a fad diet. I know with diets I would lose the weight, and once I stop the diet I would gain all the weight back. So, I stepped on the scale – honestly, very nervous – but it read 269. It’s a start.

C-Section

I had a planned c-section with my daughter. During my pregnancy I was sick morning, noon, and night. For two weeks straight, I could not keep anything down – not even water. I lost 24lbs during those two weeks. I was so sure I was going to have a miscarriage. At 9 weeks, I found a new doctor. (My first doctor – during those two weeks – would not return my calls. When I did have an appointment, I did not even get to meet the doctor. I had her nurse. The nurse only focused on how fat I was. The nurse told me if I planned on actually having the baby I better lose some weight.)

My new doctor was amazing. He told me that I could still have a healthy baby even at my weight. When I scheduled an appointment with the new doctor, he admitted me to the hospital. I was severely dehydrated. He also wanted a ultrasound to see how the baby was. During that 9 week ultrasound, they found two tumors. He told me that the tumors would have to be removed after I gave birth to my daughter. We decided instead of making me go through labor, delivery, and then surgery, I would just have a c-section.

Before my c-section, I’d never even had a surgery. I’d never had a cavity or even broken a bone. I did not know what to really expect. I’d never met anyone who’d had a c-section before.

I’ve never regretted having a c-section. I actually plan on getting a c-section awareness tattoo. I do wander if I will be able to give birth naturally or automatically another c-section if and when I get pregnant again.

A friend on Facebook had a c-section earlier this week. Yesterday, she posted about her fear and the feeling of being strapped down and not having control of her body. Along with this statement, she shared a post. The post was from another woman, who’d had two c-sections (planned and emergency). I read through the post. I’ve had a c-section and that post was terrifying. She had a negative spin on the entire situation. She talked about the pain was unbearable.

Okay, I get it, we all have different pain tolerances. I used to self-injure. Cutting is nothing for me. I have 12 tattoos, a walk in the park – except for the 3 hour one on my thigh. I was good for the first 2.5 hours. That last 30 minutes, I thought I was going to cry.

The post talked about how painful the spinal block was. In my experience, it was a slight pinch. Then you feel pressure going through your spine. The post talked about feeling all the tearing and moving. Okay, yes. You feel everything! But… and this but is important… There is no pain!! You are numb! It feels like you are being unzipped. You feel the tugging, the cutting, the moving of your organs. You feel all this weight loss when they pull out the baby. I felt more tugging and pulling when the doctor removed the tumors. (One was 14 centimeters, and other was 10 centimeters. He said they were so tough, he could not cut through either of them.)

The most pain I remember is when they removed the catheter, or when removing the staples – one staple was crooked. It took the nurse cutting the staple in half and twisting it out. It was a stinging pain, but I would do it all again for my daughter.

I see posts of woman calling c-sections the “easy” way out. First off, child birth is not easy, I don’t care if it was natural or c-section. Our bodies go through a lot to bring a child into this world. There’s tearing, and cutting. There’s pain. There’s healing.

Guilt from a Disneyland Co-parent

My ex has money to waste, and he does. I struggle to make my bills some months. Occasionally, I am able to waste money and take my daughter to the movies or something fun.

Ex was deployed during July 4 – his favorite holiday. He gave girlfriend a couple hundreds of dollars to buy fireworks. They shot the fireworks off last night. My daughter texts me, telling me how awesome the fireworks were. I reply, I’m glad.

I am glad she had fun. I am sorry I was not able to buy fireworks – actually there is a post about that situation. I offered to buy some, and my daughter said not to worry about it.

I hate feeling like the loser parent. The UN fun parent. I pay my bills. I make sure my child is fed. We play games, we visit. I take her to her millions of activities. I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but I still feel guilty, and jealous.

Online Dating

Had a guy message me yesterday. He was very attractive. Hated that his profile pictures included children – I assume his, but you never really know. That is a red flag. Next red flag, his profile said he was from one state and he stated he was from a different state. Hmm… two red flags. Sorry buddy, you’re blocked.

Damn. I was hoping for some conversation.

Oh well, my search continues.