Six years ago, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I filed for divorce. I was – at the time – truly in love with my ex. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to be with me. The next two years after the divorce, we were still together. I thought we were trying to work things out – no. I was being used for sex. The same time ex was telling me he loved me, he was going out with other woman. I hated myself. I felt cheap and dirty. I cried all the time. When I finally broke it off with ex I fell into a deep depression. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to provide closer to me about what went wrong. It was torture to see ex and girlfriend together. To me, it felt like she had won.
Even over the years, I have battled myself. Do I still love ex? Does he love me?
Some days I wonder if I love ex. I actually think I love the idea I had of my ex – you know the happy family. I think I love the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. I think I love the idea of being intimate with someone.
Yesterday, I was working. After work, I checked my phone. I had a text from ex. Our daughter had practice that night. He was on the road already. I decided to call – so he would not text and drive. I called him to remind him of practice. Didn’t know if he was going to meet us at practice? At my house afterwards? Did I have to drive her to girlfriend’s house?
Talked to ex a couple of minutes about the plans. Wrapping up the conversation. I told ex that I would talk to him later. He said “love ya.” I said “bye” and hanged up.
I guess I’d made a face when ex said that, because my daughter waited until I was off the phone and said “what happened?” I told her. She’s like he says that to girlfriend, her kids, and herself.
I know it is a habit for ex to say it. Honestly, I don’t know if he even realized what he said.
But years of wanting him to say those words to me. I didn’t like it yesterday. I didn’t feel any love – or any urge to say it back – for my ex.