Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home. ┬áNo response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?

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Text From Ex’s Girlfriend

Yesterday morning, ex’s girlfriend sends a text to my daughter.

Now, keep in mind this woman has been around my child for the past four years. She refused to put a picture of my daughter in her office with ex and her children. She doesn’t buy my daughter anything when she buys her kids something; whereas, ex always buys her kids something. My daughter sent her a friend request, which girlfriend still has not accepted.

Get the picture?

So, she sends my daughter a text, which means ex gave another person my daughter’s phone number without her permission. That did annoy my daughter. She read the text to me. Girlfriend asked for my daughter’s opinion for the best Christmas movie to watch while they put up the Christmas tree.

My daughter loves Christmas. She would watch Christmas movies everyday and keep a tree up all year, if I let her.

A part of me was glad girlfriend was FINALLY including my daughter. Low doing it by text when she was with me. The texting better not become a problem. I mean really, the question could have waited until ex picked my daughter up.

Not to mention, the damage is done. My daughter is a smart kid. She rolled her eyes when she read the text and asked why is girlfriend being nice now. Excellent question!! What is she up to? She trying to become “mom?” She stepping into that step-mother role?

I also have girlfriend’s number. A small part of me wanted to text girlfriend and say thank you for including my child. Another part wanted to go into mamma shark mode, and text her to ask why is she texting my kid?

So, guess I will try to take the high road and do what is best for my kid. Be supportive.

***

Alright, I must repel guys. I’m very convinced that I really do. Finally had one message me. We exchanged a few messages and then silence. Boy, I’m not going to message you.

Same with another one. We had a great conversation going until he asked what happened with my last relationship – which would have been the serial cheater. I responded. He read my message and then silence.

So, apparently guys find me attractive. It’s my personality or my past that runs them off… hmmm…

Thanksgiving Week

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

This week has been busy for me. My daughter didn’t have to go to school on Tuesday, since she’d scored so well on exams. So, we’d planned on going to the movies – on Tuesday’s during the day movies are only $5 (so $3 cheaper than they normally are) and you get free popcorn. I still had to work on Tuesday, plus I started my new job on Monday. Lots of work. I met the deadline – a day ahead of schedule, yay. The new job is going to be challenging, but I really think I’m going to love it. It is as a content writer. Actually, if this new job works out like I’m hoping it will, my plan is to quit the one job. The one that seems to always involve technical issues. If you are late then you get fined $20. My internet at the house is not good enough for the job, so I have to drive to another location. So, I think if the content writer job pans out then it would make sense for me to quit this job. That would help save some gas, plus I would get more sleep and not be spread so thin. I’ll continue to think about it. May also wait another six months – extra money would be wonderful, and I could try build my savings and checking accounts back up. You’re supposed to have enough saved up to live on for 3-6 months. I used to have that, then everything kept happening and I kept having to replace appliances or parts on the car. Always something. That is what is worrying me right now, I have money in my account – so I’m questioning myself: What bill did I not pay? Why do I have money in my account? (It’s so rare.)

My daughter did some volunteer work this week. It was wonderful seeing her do that.

I had a “first experience” this week: I hit a deer with my car. I was on my way into work. Of course, the one morning my daughter is in the car with me, I hit a deer. It was 3am and there were three deer in the road. I seen the first one and missed it. Then the other two ran into the road. I tried to dodge them, which my reaction did keep the deer from completely rolling over my car. Instead of hitting it right in the middle of the car, I caught it with the front corner. As soon as I hit it, my daughter started crying. It had hit on her side. I was worried she was injured. No, she was upset that I killed a deer. Luckily the damage is barely anything. The front next to the headlight is caved in. Some dings and dents and missing paint on the front bumper and my door – where the hooves hit. I talked to my insurance. I have a $250 deductible. Yikes. I found a guy that can fix it for $65. Yay!

This morning, driving on the same road at the same time – and my daughter in the car again – I was so worried I would see another deer. No, guess deer avoid roads on black Friday. Works for me!!

My daughter asked if I told ex about hitting a deer, I said “no.” Here’s the thing: If it had been worse – if one of us had been injured or if my car was not drive-able, then yes I would have told ex. Other than that, it is none of his business. He is not going to help pay for the damages, so why tell him? I told her she could tell him about it if she wanted to, I didn’t care. She chose not to tell him either, which she’ll be back with him for a couple of days she might change her mind.

Apparently, girlfriend does not cook. When we (ex and I) were together, I would cook us a Thanksgiving meal – we could eat on leftovers forever – and we would go to both families to have Thanksgiving – the families did not like each other, so we never had a holiday where we did not have to split between the two families (guess just preparing for the divorce. ha-ha). But since ex has been with her, for Thanksgiving they go to the mountain – where he popped the question – and pay for a meal at the lodge; $20 a person. Yikes! Oh well, I guess. As long as he still has money to support our daughter, I don’t care where else his money goes. But my daughter sent me a video of the ring – my little spy. lol. The ring is stupidly big. I knew it would be. But what I loved was in the video – my daughter took the video while in the car so no one would notice – ex and girlfriend were kind of “holding hands.” Ex just had his hand laying there. Girlfriend had hers just laying on top of his. Does anyone watch “Everybody Loves Raymond”? You know the episode where they’re talking about his hand holding is like holding a dead fish? That’s what it reminded me of. I remember holding hands with ex. When our relationship was new, we actually did hold hands. There was effort from both of us. We played and teased with our fingers. Then it did turn into his hand was just plopped there, no effort. Yeah. Not jealous. I want the relationship where there is effort. The teasing and playing. I want to be the cute, little elderly couple that still hold hands.

Anyway, so how Thanksgiving works since our divorce: ex takes all of them to the lodge and then we meet up and I head to see my family. Ex was late yesterday – nothing new, but still annoying. My daughter was so excited to see me. I got to hear about all the pie she ate at the lodge.

We got to my parents’ house and it was the typical situation it always is. My folks didn’t talk to me nor my daughter. My mom played sick the entire time (and I know what you are thinking – maybe she really was sick. Doubt it. That is how she behaves EVERY TIME I’m there). So, my dad focused on her the whole time. She laid on the couch. So, there was no place to sit (their living room has one chair and one couch, and the chair is dad’s chair). I figured they would ask about my new job; what happened to my car; how’s life; SOMETHING!!! No. I tried to talk to them. I got dismissed. Forget it. So, the kids and grandkids went to another room and played video games. I am so proud of my daughter though. Her personality shined through. She did not let them discourage her. She kept the same energy and was herself the whole time.

Honestly, I don’t know why I bother with going to their house. I only go maybe 3-5 times a year (usually Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and if something else comes up). You would think they would be more willing to visit with us while we are there since it is so rare. Oh well, guess I will make the trip next month and then not have to worry about it for a few more months.

Sad those are my feelings about visiting family – especially with the holidays right here. But, seriously, that is the reason I deal with so many mental issues. That is the reason I felt I did not deserve better with ex or anyone else. Any attention was wonderful – positive or negative; attention is attention.

I refuse to make my daughter feel that way!

Ever since the divorce, I have always taken my daughter to the movies on Thanksgiving. So, lucky kid got to go to the movies three times this week (twice with me, and ex took all of them to the movies).

She started crying last night because she did not want to go back to ex and girlfriend today. I hate that! I would love to have her 24/7. But, I have to be the good parent. I tried to think of positive things about her going over there.

She asked me to talk to ex if he would bring her back on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning.

…Shit…

Wonder how he is going to respond to that request…

I did get to do something awesome at work – the photography job – the other day. Had a man bring in a picture of his mother that was photographed in Germany during the war. Beautiful picture. Dramatic lighting. He wanted to recreate the picture – the lighting and everything. It was a fun shoot. I was in love with the lighting and effects. This man – probably in his 70’s – posed like you would not believe. I did not have to say “look this way” or “turn like this,” he posed. Pose after pose after pose. It was fun.

So, online dating: I actually started talking to someone again. Nothing to really report, yet. His pictures are okay looking. He hasn’t been a complete ass, yet. We’ll see what happens. Not having really high hopes, but it is nice to chat with someone.

My mom both something on social media the other day about wanting more grandchildren. Yeah, I would love to have another child. BUT I am not raising a child alone. I want to find a great man.

 

 

Less Jealous… For Now.

My daughter came home yesterday from time with ex. She said she seen the engagement ring – that it was insanely big with multiple diamonds (Yes, I didn’t expect anything less) – and she seen their engagement announcement picture. It was ex’s military name badge with girlfriend’s hand with the ring on it and said: He stole my heart. I stole his name. My daughter said apparently their wedding bands are coming in the mail this week. Uh-oh. So, does that mean they are getting married right away? Um, red flag? lol. I’m still worried what will happen with ex supporting our daughter financially when they get married. I’m worried that girlfriend is going to weasel her way in and get all of the military benefits and my daughter will get nothing.

Ex didn’t tell my daughter about the engagement. Apparently, he didn’t tell his parents either. So, his mom was so angry when she found out through social media without it actually coming from ex. So, is ex ashamed? Why wouldn’t he want to tell anyone?

Apparently, ex’s parents don’t like girlfriend as much as I thought. I also think it is insane because girlfriend has not helped ex move things out of his house – everything had to be gone by last weekend. She has not got her kid’s stuff out of my daughter’s room at her house. Does that mean she really doesn’t want them to move in? Or, she just doesn’t want my daughter there? Oh, and girlfriend would not go over to help ex pack stuff, but she sent her friend over there to help. Um, a spy? Another red flag, guys.

What is worse, ex always buys stuff for girlfriend’s kids. Well, the other day when he popped the question, girlfriend bought her kids shirts and bought my daughter NOTHING. Really?!? This is the STEP-MOTHER ex wants for our daughter?!?!

The best story though, ex’s mom gave girlfriend some of her old bras. Then posted publicly asking her if the bras fit well. LMAO. LOVE IT! Was very grossed out that before they have sex, he sees his mom’s bras… eww. But seriously, I laughed way too hard by that situation.

I’m realizing there are red flags. That their relationship is not picture perfect. I don’t want a relationship like that. If that is what ex is settling for, then good for him. I demand more from my relationship. I’m feeling a lot less jealous and angry after hearing all of this. Now, I’m more focused on how is my daughter being treated over there and what will happen with ex’s support for my daughter. I will fight to make sure my daughter gets what she needs.

She asked about if they get married, if girlfriend could try to adopt her and keep her from me. Nope. I got you girl. I’m not the emotional mess I was during our divorce, nor three years ago when ex crashed my world around me by using me and girlfriend. My anxiety and depression are more in control. I am ready to face whatever I need to just to make sure my daughter is cared for.

Santa

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This time of year, I start seeing several Santa related posts online. When do you tell your kids there is no Santa? If you’re divorced, does Santa visit both houses?

My ex is a killer of dreams. He tried telling my daughter years ago there was no Santa – I think because he did not want to spend extra money on a gift. I, on the other hand, wanted my daughter to keep that magic and innocence for as long as possible. She came back from spending time with ex and asked me if there was a Santa, because ex said there was no such thing. I asked her what did she believe? I told her I believed in the magic of Santa – the ability to believe in the good in people, and do kind things for others without expecting anything in return. I’ve done the Elf on the Shelf with my daughter for several years – even before I was divorced. I know she knows it is me, but it is still fun. The make-believe and the different situations our elf gets himself into.

Why take away the fun? The play? The magic?

I also work at a photography studio. My daughter knows there’s a man that plays Santa – she has seen him before he is in his red suit. This Santa is amazing! He looks so real – all year long. He longs being Santa. He is a pro with the kids and takes awesome photographs! Every year I get a picture of her with Santa. Well, this year, of course, she is “too old” to sit on Santa’s lap. So, I did two different poses: 1. She is standing next to Santa. Her arm is propped on his should and she is focusing on her cell phone. 2. She is sitting in a chair next to Santa and they are both looking at her cell phone.

The pictures turned out adorable! Picture 2 will definitely be put on the wall at my house. Santa loved it. My daughter loved it. The studio loved it – will be using it next year to advertise for Santa photos.

Well, that was the positive that came from yesterday. Saturdays are ex’s day. He is still in the process of moving stuff out of his house – he should have started his month ago. But he even had his parents up – he is giving them all of his appliances and furniture. Didn’t offer me anything, haha. Bummer. But he was in a horrible mood. So, my daughter did not want to stay with him for a few hours – that put him in a worse mood. She said he was like that Friday night too. Ex, my daughter, and youngest of girlfriend’s kids went bike riding Friday night. I asked where was girlfriend – ex had both her a bike too. Apparently, still chilling in the bedroom.

I know I post a lot about being jealous that ex is in a relationship. That is NOT the type of relationship that I want! That was kind of how my marriage was, except ex would be in the same room, but on his phone – so he might as well had been in another room, another state, or even another planet.

I did see his parents yesterday. First time I’ve seen them in a least a year. It was not awkward. Apparently, every time his mom sees my daughter she’ll ask about me. I think that is nice. I don’t know if she is doing it to talk to my daughter? To actually care about me? To be nosy? Actually, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care what her intentions are. She hated me when I was married to her son.

A Slight Break in the Darkness

Not going to lie, this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Ex proposing to girlfriend – even though I’ve expected it for years, I didn’t know how I’d handle it – has been a little rough. Tuesday, I was in tears. Left me feeling so confused and emotional. I started doing a little research – apparently, there are “stages” that one goes through in this situation. I looked through, and see it made more sense of how I’m feeling:

  1. Shock. My shock was that he actually did it. I mean after being with her for – let’s pretend they’ve never broken up – four years. “Us” being done for three years. Him telling me he is never getting married again. Him talking so negatively about girlfriend. Yes, I was shocked. Monday, when I found out, I didn’t feel any emotions – I was actually numb. That was my shock.
  2. Jealousy. Yes. Jealous she got a better proposal – I’m sure a nicer ring, haha. Jealous that he gets the “family” life and I am still fucking alone and single as hell. Jealous that ex’s life is moving forward and I feel stuck. Except it’s not like I’m stuck in concrete. I’m stuck in quicksand. I try to get out and I get pulled back down, deeper than before.
  3. Anger. I am angry. I don’t who I’m angry at though. I’m hiding my sadness with anger. I went to work today and someone asked where my daughter was. I said with ex. They were very surprised because apparently they seen girlfriend’s “big announcement” on social media, and was surprised they would want my daughter around. WHAT?! FUCK YOU!! Apparently, my daughter didn’t even see girlfriend last night. Ex and girlfriend hid in the bedroom all evening. I’m angry that I have to send my daughter over there. Why can’t she stay with me? At least when I have her we visit or play games, something!! My daughter asks me each time if she has to go over there. It is so heartbreaking.
  4. Relief. I am ready for this stage. Apparently in this stage you are relieved that you are no longer with ex. He is no longer your problem. I’m so afraid that I will not hit stage for weeks, months, or even years. I know it being the holidays is going to make this so much harder. I’m alone for the holidays. All I can do is cry. I tried talking to my mother about it, and she changed the subject. I tried talking to a friend about it, and she changed the subject – think because she seen I was fighting back tears. I mean, I get my ex is toxic. I GET THAT. So why am I not relieved that he is going to marry girlfriend?!? Because I am afraid he will no longer financially support our daughter. I suddenly feel like second best. I know I’m the one that filed for divorce. I know I’m the one that finally said “enough” when I found out ex was with me and girlfriend. So, why do I feel like I am trash? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I feel like I did back during the divorce and after I stopped seeing ex three years ago? Why can’t I realize there is nothing wrong with me – it’s him. It’s always been him. NOT ME.
  5. Strength. This stage talks about after being petty and angry; after all the emotional roller coaster is over you realize you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. This will be true – I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, as I’ve said so many times before, I’m tired of proving how strong I really am.
  6. Appreciation. You’ll appreciation life and where you are in life.

Of course, depending on which site or article you read there are other stages, but these are the ones I came across the most.

Writing this has been through tear-blurred vision with some pauses for complete and utterly break-down, hard sobbing. I know ex is not good for me. I seen him today – he didn’t even acknowledge me – I looked at him and didn’t find him attractive. I was hurt that girlfriend’s youngest kid was wearing a shirt of ex’s that he’d given me back in high school. I hope my soul mate is out there. I just hate that I’m still alone. I was faithful to ex – he was the cheater. Why do I get punished for my faithfulness by still being single? Why is it the man that never wanted to get married again is now engaged? Why is it the man that never wanted more kids – especially daughters – because he didn’t want to deal with hormones is engaged to a woman with three daughters? Why is it the man I was married to was a workaholic during our marriage, now takes vacation days all of the time?

Online dating hasn’t really helped this week. I had a zombie appear. He is now blocked. I get getting busy and not replying for a few hours or even until the next day. BUT it has been 14 days. Boy, please. I know what happened. He found another chick and when that didn’t work out, or he got a piece of ass, and then decided to make sure I was still on the back burner. I am worth more than being some guy’s Plan B. *block*

Positive thing with work – I got a fourth job. I am so excited about this one. Great pay. Could really open some doors. It will probably be after the holidays before I get to sign my contract and everything, but I’m still very excited.

 

Drowning

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Well, my thought today is: I’m failing at life.

Everything is crashing around me.

Work and Money. Even though I work multiple jobs – hours this time of year are short because of the holidays and winter hours. Or, I have to cut hours for one job to get hours for another job. All of which hurts my bank account. Money is crazy tight – haven’t gotten a child support check for a couple of weeks; and yes, the weekly child support isn’t much, but every little cent helps. I thought I was getting my head above water last week. I cancelled insurance to save some money, and I talked to someone about getting a tax break for my property tax – turns out I was supposed to have been getting this break for several years but my paperwork “got lost” on their end. I honestly didn’t think must about it. I thought the break was just for one year. Of course, they are not going to back pay me all that money – I wish they would. Yesterday, I opened the refrigerator and it left a little on the warm side. Things were still cold. I don’t want to – I CAN’T AFFORD TO – replace that refrigerator right now. I shouldn’t have to replace it already. I bought it about two years ago. Yes, it was a cheaper one, but it should work longer than two bloody years!! I’m counting down the months until I get my car completely paid for – that will be extra money each month when I don’t have car payments – but I still have about ten months to go.

Dating/Relationships. I’m still having mixed feelings about ex. I actually had a dream about him. In my dream, he called me to bitch at me that I left him blue-balling. (A phrase that ex used often during our marriage. I’ve always hated that phrase.) I woke up so angry. Mainly, angry at myself. Why am I still dreaming about him?!?

I suck at dating. I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone in days. In fact, we’re slowly inching closer and closer to a year mark since I’ve been on a date!!

Parenting. Now, typically I know I am a kick-ass mom. I take care of my kid. I help her with school work. I drive her to her millions of activities. Just, last night, with everything that was happening I felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I had two loads of clothes that were needing to be washed. Before I went to pick her up from practice I had the first load in the washer. The second load was lying in the floor so I could throw it in the wash when I got back. When we got home, I put the first load in the dryer and started the second load in the washer. Well, apparently, my daughter and a friend decided they wanted to wear their new cheer shirts to match at school today. That shirt accidentally got thrown into the washer, too. I guess it was sitting by all of her bags for school, which was close to the second load of clothes and I just assumed it went with the pile of clothes. I forgot to check the clothes after that. My daughter waited until the very last minute to find her clothes for school. Yep, that shirt is still chilling out in the washer. Parenting fail.

Focusing on the Positive

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So, yesterday was a very, very rough day. I think the fact that ex is now engaged finally absorbed in. I cried a bit. I pretty much ate my feelings, and probably everything else around. I think I gained 50lbs yesterday, alone. I don’t know why I needed to eat like that. I just needed to numb the feelings and thoughts about ex. So, mindless eating and then the discomfort of eating so much gave me the physical pain instead of the emotional pain. I’m stressed of what the future is going to bring. A friend asked if girlfriend – Okay, I know they are now “engaged” so she is not “girlfriend” but you know what, I’m sticking with calling her girlfriend – would take over finances and military benefits. Man, I hope not. I’m afraid my daughter is going to get the short end of the stick in this situation.

Luckily, there were a few good things to focus on. My daughter brought home progress reports. Her lowest grade is a 95%. It’s funny, at the beginning of the school year, she was so worried about taking AP courses – in both of her AP courses she has over a 100%. Last night, she had a Beta Club ceremony where she got welcomed into the organization. That is a major accomplishment. I was so proud of her. Me, being a mom and a photographer, took several photographs. Also me, being me, I decided to share that moment with ex. I sent him two pictures, since he is out of state again. One was of our daughter with her certificate and the other was of the entire group. He responded very quickly, “that’s cool.” Stupidly, I expected him to be more excited – Awesome! Tell her great job! – or to even send her a message, or better yet call her, to tell her congratulations.

Processing: fears, pain

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Yesterday, well last night, I found out ex got engaged. My daughter and I talked about it a lot last night. She is angry, bitter, hurt, sad. I asked her if she was happy. She said no.

We both knew it was coming. Ex moved in with girlfriend a couple of weeks of go – when exactly, I don’t even remember. But funny thing, he told our daughter the bad thing about moving in with girlfriend full-time is he has no where to go when he doesn’t want to be around girlfriend. I asked our daughter why wouldn’t ex want to be around girlfriend. Apparently, she gets annoying to ex and there are some days he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her.

My daughter said she had seen pictures of rings on ex’s phone. So, she knew it was coming, but she was still hurt that ex did not tell her. She said yesterday before school she asked him to bring her lunch – fast food – and he hesitated and told her that he would be out of town – he knew what his plans were. WHY COULDN’T HE HAD JUST TAKEN FIVE MINUTES AND TALK TO OUR DAUGHTER?!? What, was he scared of what our daughter would say? If he thinks he is making a mistake then maybe he shouldn’t have asked girlfriend to marry him.

I’m bitter that girlfriend got a better proposal than I did – why? I really don’t know. I mean, ex isn’t a “better” person now. So, I really don’t know why I’m a little hurt about that. I’m very hurt that he would avoid our daughter’s feelings and talking to her.

One thing that really does hurt is I’m. Still. Single.

This really brings me to tears! I was faithful during our marriage. I was faithful to him after our divorce. I have tried to date. I have been ghosted, stood up, catfished, lied to, and yet I still can not find anyone to date, much less actually have a relationship with.

Why does ex get everything? A new wife. Kids. An easy job. Lots of money.

As stupid as it sounds, I think I’m being punished.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m scared.

A few fears:

What if they get married on “our” wedding date. I may throw up if that happens. So, ex doesn’t pay a lot with child support. I’ve never taken him back to court even though he is making so much more, because when I say our kid needs something he will bitch and moan, but he will give me the money for it. Since he got this job on the base, he is making so much more, he has started giving extra every two weeks. He knows the courts would order him to pay more child support, so this is a why to keep me “content.” What if that extra money stops? What if anytime our daughter needs something, he has to go through girlfriend first?

What if their marriage doesn’t last? My daughter has already lived through one divorce; them breaking up multiple times; and moving into girlfriend’s house. What would another divorce do to her? Girlfriend has already been married twice before. So, a divorce in their future is not a wild leap, seriously. Ex is a challenge to live with – and they don’t even live together all the time. He lives out of state most of the week and just comes in on weekends. Hmm, I want them to have to live together full-time and see this isn’t some joke, a fun little sleep-over, or high school dating.

This morning, I woke up and ex being engaged was the first thought that popped into my head. I think yesterday’s feelings and actions – not being sad or really mad, just annoyed by his behavior of not telling our daughter – were from shock. I think today I am processing it and real feelings are coming out now. I am teary-eyed. I am scared and hurt. I’m trying to figure out why though. I think I still love ex – or at least the idea of him that I’ve forced myself to have for so many years. I’m afraid of the future – the money; he already chooses them over our daughter – I fear it will be worse now. What if he adopts the kids? What if he gets killed? Will girlfriend get the benefits? Will everything still go to our daughter?

I know this is a topic I am going to write about a lot. I need to process. I need to understand my feelings. I need to understand the best way to support my daughter.

Doesn’t help that physically I’ve been in pain for a couple of days. I’m going to blame the insane weather… But my c-section scar is about to kill me. Not sure what the deal is.

Well, My Nightmare Happened

Image result for ex got engaged meme

For years, I’ve worried about how would I feel if, and when, ex gets engaged to girlfriend. Would I be happy? angry? sad? How would I find out? How would my daughter feel? Would she get to be there to watch the proposal? Every Christmas, New Year’s, and birthdays I’ve tried to prepare myself for ex to ask girlfriend to marry him.

They moved in together a week or so ago. Apparently, today he popped the question. I was surprised that I was not sad. I don’t know if I am happy or not, because how it happened actually was horrible.

I picked my daughter up from practice. She was on social media and said “dad got married today.”

I asked “married or engaged?”

She said, “I guess engaged.”

When did that happen?

I guess today.

Oh, how do you know?

Girlfriend’s kid posted something on social media.

***

By this time, my daughter is fighting back tears. She said ex didn’t tell her. He didn’t pack her lunch today. And girlfriend will not accept her friend request on social media.

So, I call ex.

***

Hello, why didn’t you pack our daughter lunch for school today?

I didn’t know I needed to.

She doesn’t eat chili.

Well, sorry.

Oh, did you get engaged today?

Yes.

Did you say anything to our daughter?

No, because it just happened today.

You can’t tell me you didn’t know beforehand to at least give her a heads up.

I was going to tell her later.

Girlfriend’s kid posted it. Our daughter’s feelings are hurt.

***

He talked to our daughter for maybe two minutes on the phone. All she said was “okay.”

She hands me the phone back.

***

Me: What?

Oh, I guess she’s done talking to me.

She handed me the phone back.

Well, I told her why I didn’t tell her beforehand and I apologized.

Yeah, sorry doesn’t mean much coming from you.

***

By this time, I am angry. I am bitter. He took girlfriend to a mountain overlook to propose. (Yes, he told me). Now, my feelings are hurt.

I said, “awe, at least she got a better proposal than I did. Congratulations.”

***

When ex proposed to me, many many years ago, we were sitting in the car. We were sitting in the parking lot about to go into a restaurant. He pulled out a ring box and tossed it at me and said “here.”

I’ve talked to my daughter. She is hurt. She is mad. She said she is not happy about the situation.

She said when she gets engaged she is not telling him.

My heart broke. That is what my ex is teaching our daughter? Great…

I told her before I get engaged, if it ever happens – I can’t even find someone to date – the guy will have to get permission from my daughter first.

I told her that at least she’ll get a part in the wedding. She’s like, yeah everybody gets a part even if it’s just being a guest to witness the wedding. So, my daughter is bitter.