A Slight Break in the Darkness

Not going to lie, this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Ex proposing to girlfriend – even though I’ve expected it for years, I didn’t know how I’d handle it – has been a little rough. Tuesday, I was in tears. Left me feeling so confused and emotional. I started doing a little research – apparently, there are “stages” that one goes through in this situation. I looked through, and see it made more sense of how I’m feeling:

  1. Shock. My shock was that he actually did it. I mean after being with her for – let’s pretend they’ve never broken up – four years. “Us” being done for three years. Him telling me he is never getting married again. Him talking so negatively about girlfriend. Yes, I was shocked. Monday, when I found out, I didn’t feel any emotions – I was actually numb. That was my shock.
  2. Jealousy. Yes. Jealous she got a better proposal – I’m sure a nicer ring, haha. Jealous that he gets the “family” life and I am still fucking alone and single as hell. Jealous that ex’s life is moving forward and I feel stuck. Except it’s not like I’m stuck in concrete. I’m stuck in quicksand. I try to get out and I get pulled back down, deeper than before.
  3. Anger. I am angry. I don’t who I’m angry at though. I’m hiding my sadness with anger. I went to work today and someone asked where my daughter was. I said with ex. They were very surprised because apparently they seen girlfriend’s “big announcement” on social media, and was surprised they would want my daughter around. WHAT?! FUCK YOU!! Apparently, my daughter didn’t even see girlfriend last night. Ex and girlfriend hid in the bedroom all evening. I’m angry that I have to send my daughter over there. Why can’t she stay with me? At least when I have her we visit or play games, something!! My daughter asks me each time if she has to go over there. It is so heartbreaking.
  4. Relief. I am ready for this stage. Apparently in this stage you are relieved that you are no longer with ex. He is no longer your problem. I’m so afraid that I will not hit stage for weeks, months, or even years. I know it being the holidays is going to make this so much harder. I’m alone for the holidays. All I can do is cry. I tried talking to my mother about it, and she changed the subject. I tried talking to a friend about it, and she changed the subject – think because she seen I was fighting back tears. I mean, I get my ex is toxic. I GET THAT. So why am I not relieved that he is going to marry girlfriend?!? Because I am afraid he will no longer financially support our daughter. I suddenly feel like second best. I know I’m the one that filed for divorce. I know I’m the one that finally said “enough” when I found out ex was with me and girlfriend. So, why do I feel like I am trash? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I feel like I did back during the divorce and after I stopped seeing ex three years ago? Why can’t I realize there is nothing wrong with me – it’s him. It’s always been him. NOT ME.
  5. Strength. This stage talks about after being petty and angry; after all the emotional roller coaster is over you realize you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. This will be true – I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, as I’ve said so many times before, I’m tired of proving how strong I really am.
  6. Appreciation. You’ll appreciation life and where you are in life.

Of course, depending on which site or article you read there are other stages, but these are the ones I came across the most.

Writing this has been through tear-blurred vision with some pauses for complete and utterly break-down, hard sobbing. I know ex is not good for me. I seen him today – he didn’t even acknowledge me – I looked at him and didn’t find him attractive. I was hurt that girlfriend’s youngest kid was wearing a shirt of ex’s that he’d given me back in high school. I hope my soul mate is out there. I just hate that I’m still alone. I was faithful to ex – he was the cheater. Why do I get punished for my faithfulness by still being single? Why is it the man that never wanted to get married again is now engaged? Why is it the man that never wanted more kids – especially daughters – because he didn’t want to deal with hormones is engaged to a woman with three daughters? Why is it the man I was married to was a workaholic during our marriage, now takes vacation days all of the time?

Online dating hasn’t really helped this week. I had a zombie appear. He is now blocked. I get getting busy and not replying for a few hours or even until the next day. BUT it has been 14 days. Boy, please. I know what happened. He found another chick and when that didn’t work out, or he got a piece of ass, and then decided to make sure I was still on the back burner. I am worth more than being some guy’s Plan B. *block*

Positive thing with work – I got a fourth job. I am so excited about this one. Great pay. Could really open some doors. It will probably be after the holidays before I get to sign my contract and everything, but I’m still very excited.

 

Expected Rainbows and Song Birds

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Six years ago I filed for divorce. I have went back and forth wandering if I made a big mistake by filing. Wondering what is wrong with me. Wondering why ex wasn’t content being with me. After our divorce was finalized five years ago, I stayed with ex. I still believed I had made a big mistake. We didn’t live together anymore. So, if we did fight then we could be away from each other. I was dating my ex again. Our relationship was the best it’d been in years.

Four years ago, I was blindsided. I went over to ex’s house and there was another woman sitting on the couch next to him. Her kids were sitting in the floor playing with my daughter. I honestly did not know what to do or say. I left. I went to the store and tried to focus on what I needed from the store. Ex called me and asked if I was okay. I asked him if he was seeing that woman. He told me yes. How could I have missed the signs?

Worse part is, I continued to see him. My ex is like a drug. I know he is bad for me, but I was addicted. I had to go back. I could not live without him. I did not know how to live without him. I continued to sleep with him. I knew he had a girlfriend. Apparently, she would not have sex with him so that was what I was for.

In my head, I excused his behavior. We had been together since high school. Maybe if I let him see what else was out there then he would realize that he still loved me. I lower my self worth. I made myself more “available” for him. I did oral for ex all of the time – even though I hated doing oral on him.

I was happy to see that chick out of the picture. But I was more aware of signs after her. I noticed ex’s behavior for a few weeks and asked him if he was seeing someone else. He lied to my face and said no.

Now, here’s the thing about my ex, he has a specific facial expression that he makes when he lies. I have seen that expression millions of times. He thinks he is fooling me – even now he still lies to me.

He told me she was just a friend that needed help fixing her dishwasher. I should have seen everything wrong with that lie. You don’t want ex fixing anything. He gets angry and throws things and then usually breaks things even more. I continued to stay with ex. I needed him. I loved him. I needed him to love me.

I actually did not know about girlfriend until three-years-old. That means they were together for an entire year while he was still with me.

One day, my daughter started crying. I asked what was wrong. She said “dad told me not to tell you.” What?!? I find out that ex had taken my daughter to this woman’s house for sex and then told my daughter not to tell me. He lied to me. He was teaching my daughter to lie to me. I was pissed off beyond words.

When I confronted ex about, now current girlfriend, and if they were sleeping together he got the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. I do remember sleeping with him again after that, why I do not know. I needed that drug. I seriously thought I did not deserve better. I felt like I was doing the right thing for my family. I cried and hated myself every single time we had sex. I felt cheap and dirty.

I wanted to know about this woman. She had stolen my man. She was around my daughter. I wanted to know her.

Ex would not tell me much about her.

Even after I completely broke things off with ex, he would not tell me about this woman. He would not allow me to meet her. He was sneaking her over at night and then pushing her out of the house before our daughter would wake up. My daughter caught them and ex told her she was making things up.

I wanted – still want – a good co-parenting support for my daughter. I wanted ex and girlfriend and I to be civil and be able to hang out with each other for my daughter’s sake.

Honestly, I really did want to be friends. Even though I hated ex and did not trust him. I was more angry at him than at girlfriend. I mean, he was with me and telling me he loved me yet still shopping around – just like during our marriage.

I don’t know who to really be mad at in this situation. I mean, I was angry at myself for being so stupid and continuing to sleep with him and let him treat me like a crazy person. I was angry at him for not having the balls to talk to me like an adult. I was angry at him for using me. I was angry at him for not being faithful. I was angry at girlfriend for messing with another woman’s man. I was angry at both of them for trying to replace me in my daughter’s life. I was angry at both of them for not wanting to set up a successful co-parenting/support system.

I don’t know who is to blame, really. I blamed myself for a long time. Some days, I still blame myself. I blame ex. I know you cannot steal a man that does not want to be taken. I know he was always looking for someone else. I blamed girlfriend for messing around with someone else’s man. I know it was like a game for both of them. For me, it wasn’t.

I tried meeting girlfriend – the first time she would not get out of OUR bed and meet me. The next time she made out with ex in front of me. I mean, I don’t know if it was like to prove to me that she won and I lost. It was gross. I wanted to tell her that he cheated on her with me. Actually, I still want to tell her.

Back then, I really did feel like she won and I lost. Now, I look at the “prize” and think what a shitty thing to win in a horrible mind game. She can have him. I am done with that drug.

Just like with anything addictive, I think about what-if. I used to smoke cigarettes. That was a very hard habit to break. Now, the smoke makes me sick to my stomach. I used to self-injury. I do think about falling back into old habits, but I have to remember that I am a role model for my daughter. Same thing with ex. I think a part of me – deep, deep down – does still love him. I’m not sure if I actually love “him” or do I love the idea of being in a relationship and having a man in my life.

It has been one challenge after another. I have hit rock bottom during some of those challenges. I stayed angry at both of them and myself for so long. I have remained bitter. I still think ex plays mind games with me. I still think he gets off on making my life hell.

I know his opinion of girlfriend and her kids. I know he has told me she is easy and has been around. I know they have broken up multiple times and he still goes back – maybe she is his drug. I know he has told our daughter he is only with girlfriend because her kids need a dad.

Those kids have dads. They see their dads. He needs to be a dad to his own daughter.

Ex has brought girlfriend and her kids to my house. They do not get out of the car. But he would never tell me where she lived. I thought it was important that I know because my daughter was over there so much.

Before I met girlfriend I imagined what she was like. I pictured a cute blonde and very thin. Not knowing where she lived or what the house looked like, I pictured his cute, picture perfect house with a white picket fence.

Things are not how I pictured. Ex always gave me hell about my weight. Ironically, since girlfriend has been with ex she has gained a ton of weight. I have heard her speak before. Her conversation bored the living hell out of me. Honestly, all I heard was “blah blah blah.” I wonder if girlfriend and I tried conversing again if I would be less bitter this time – that last time was three years ago.

I would see ex hold her hand and kiss her. I would feel so jealous. I would hate them both. I would hear about everything they did together and with the kids. Again, I would feel angry because ex never did that with my daughter or me.

I know every relationship has a honeymoon phase.

I know things are never as they appear. I know it is easy to make the relationship look happy and both parties to hide the truth.

Ex moved in with girlfriend. I told him he had to tell me where she lived. Our paperwork states I have to have current phone number and address for ex at all times.

I finally got girlfriend’s address.

Ex is currently on orders across the country. My daughter’s belongings are at girlfriend’s house. Last night, she needed something that could not wait. I told her to call her dad to make sure girlfriend was home – since my daughter does not have a key to the house – and I would drive her over there to get her things.

My daughter led me to girlfriend’s house. I pulled up to this house. I expected this gorgeous home, white picket fence, birds singing, and a rainbow above it. Instead, I wasn’t impressed. The house was nothing special. The yard was neglected. The cars – most of them were ex’s – but the one’s that were girlfriend’s were dented. There was no white picket fence. No gorgeous rainbow plastered in the sky above the house. Honestly, if I did not know who lived there and just judging by the house and surroundings I would guess an old woman. If I was taking my daughter trick-or-treating, it would be a house that I would probably just pass by – that would be the house that would give out the popcorn ball or that gross candy in the black or orange wrapper.

I wander what happened with ex and girlfriend when he called to tell her that I was bringing my daughter over.

I did not get out of the car – there was no point. I went there to let my daughter get some things, and that’s what I did.

Hopefully another step in the right direction. Proof that I am still continuing to heal.

***

Oh, update on the 24 year-old with online dating… Yeah, he did not make the cut. I had to block him. He last longer than most. Good conversation. But he was way too needy, and clingy. Maybe that’s why he was looking for an older woman, to mother him. Ha, sorry, I’m the wrong chick for that. But, maybe looking for a younger guy would not be completely insane. I mean, age is just a number, right?

Daydreaming

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I have always been a daydreamer. Growing up I would daydream to escape. I would imagine moving to a different school where I wasn’t picked on and bullied. I would imagine having a group of friends that I could depend on and do things with.

When I started dating my ex-husband, I would try to imagine what life would be like – what I actually wanted our marriage to be like together. I would daydream to keep myself company on the nights that he was working or during the times he was deployed. I would also find myself daydreaming during times he was there – I would get lost inside my own head even during sex. I would trick myself to believe it was great. I would daydream about this wonderful sexual experience with my ex.

Even now, I find myself imagining a life I wish I had – especially when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I love my life. But, I still find myself wanting, wishing, and dreaming for more – a new relationship, a better car, when I no longer struggle with money, a day ex and I can co-parent like I want us to for our daughter.

Then I feel like I am failing, because 1. I’m not “content” with what I have since I am daydreaming; 2. I’m not achieving what I “wish” to have. This makes my energy and motivation fly right out the window. All I want to do is sleep. Crawl under the covers and disappear until everything is how I “wish” it would be.

This weekend, I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed my weekend. Ex is deployed for a week or two. I have my daughter the whole time. We watched movies, talked, drew pictures. We laughed. I don’t want to daydream my life away. She is growing up so fast.

At work, I stay in the moment. I want to do the best I can. I enjoy my job.

But, later today I will find myself still daydreaming.

 

 

“Home” and Dating in your 30’s

Last night, my daughter played in the band at her first football game. It was great – brought back memories, I was in band too. Funny thing, they played the same songs we played when I first started marching. Her hair was down – usually it is in a ponytail since her hair is down to her waist. After the game, she made a comment that she wished she’d put her hair in a pony tail but she’d left a pony tail holder at home. She was with ex the night before. So, I am not sure if she was referring to girlfriend’s house as “home” or she meant my house as “home.”

Honestly, I wanted to ask. I secretly hoped she meant my house was “home.” But I kept my mouth shut. I could not question her. What if she did mean girlfriend’s house as “home?” Then shouldn’t I be happy that she feels comfortable enough to refer to that house as “home?” Should I be hurt if she doesn’t refer to my house as “home?” Maybe I’m being oversensitive.

I did ask her about her room at girlfriend’s house. I want to support my daughter and her life with ex. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. I don’t want her to think that she has to hide her feelings – good or bad – just because it has to do with ex and girlfriend. I really don’t want any more surprises like the church conversation.

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I have decided I suck at dating and flirting. I don’t know if I was ever very successful at flirting. I mean, in high school I also had a boyfriend and guy’s were interested. But, let’s face it, they were probably only interested because there were rumors about me being easy and ex calling me “condom queen” did not help. FYI, I never had sex in high school.

Then I started dating ex our senior year. I didn’t have to flirt with anyone except for him. Now, honestly, I think occasionally I do still catch myself flirting with ex. Maybe it is just habit? Maybe deep down I still love him?

I had two guys message me – well that were not scammers – yesterday. One, I have tried chatting with this guy and I have blocked him over and over and over. He continues to make a new profile and messages me again. He doesn’t work. He drinks and does drugs socially. He is a porn addict. The second guy, we exchanged messages. He told me about his likes. I responded. Guess it wasn’t the response he wanted because he told me I don’t sound very enthusiastic. hmm… no, I didn’t. Honestly, I wasn’t. I mean he likes spending time with friends and family. He goes bowling and plays golf. WTH am I supposed to say to that? “OMG, THAT’S GREAT! TELL ME MORE, PLEASE!!”

I’m socially awkward. I laugh at weird moments. I text “lol” when I don’t know what else to say. I don’t share or open up too much right away. I’m afraid of how I may come across if I do start talking/texting. For example, there was one guy I’d asked for a picture to make sure it was the same person and he asked if I wanted a picture of his face or penis. I joked “typical male, always looking for the opportunity to show IT off.” He blocked me. Hmm… guess I need to work on my joking/ flirting skills.

I also don’t know how to catch their attention if I message first. I mean, what you see is what you get. Figure if my pictures or profile doesn’t catch your attention then I’m not going to waste my time. So usually I send the lame message “Hello. How are you?” Or, if they have something interesting in their profile I’m respond to it.

Wish dating was easy like when I was a teenager. Now, I have to worry about liars, cheaters. I have to think about what is best for my daughter. I have to worry about my safety. I have to be paranoid of STDs and pregnancy. Dating in your 30’s is not fun.

Happy Halloween

Yesterday, I felt so bad for my daughter. She is in Junior High. They have a lot of homework each night. It is difficult, at times – nothing like what I did in school. It is all on the computer, which I get that is how society is today but come on! My wifi doesn’t work. So, we went to a second location. That wifi would not stay connected to her computer. She asked if we could just go to the school and sit in the parking lot. I told her no because I did not want a cop knocking on my window wondering why I was sitting in the school parking lot at night for hours. Finally, found a location for her to do her homework with good internet connection. She was working on algebra. I looked up a website to kind of quickly teach myself how to do it so I could teach her how to do it. She was catching on really quickly. So, I stepped away – I wanted her to be able to do the problems by herself because at school she would have to do them alone (plus she was not able to ask any classmates because they had all copied off of each other and my daughter said she did not feel right copying work). She was on the school website answering math problems and then I noticed she started going back to previous problems and changing every one of her answers. Wait!! She said no, what I’d told her was wrong. Okay. She finished the assignment. Since it is online the computer grades it right away. The grade popped up on the screen – very low grade – and my daughter breaks into tears. My daughter is a straight A student – has been since kindergarten. She works very hard for her grades. I told her to review the problems – turned out what I’d taught her was correct, but when she second guessed it gave her the wrong answer. While, luckily the teacher gives two chances when working on assignments. I told my daughter to just ask the teacher to open her second chance and do the assignment again, since she knows how to do it. So, during class today she should be able to redo the assignment. She was very disappointed in herself and in the situation because today the class is going to have a Halloween party.

Ex is on vacation this week. I thought it was to finish packing up his house. Apparently, girlfriend took this week off too. So, they are just goofing off all week. My daughter invited ex to watch her at tumbling last night. He hesitated and said he had a lot of work to do at the house, but he would try to be there. He did come. We really did not speak to each other. He sat there and texted – I assume girlfriend. I did catch him more than once looking at me – kind of creeped me out. My daughter had school pictures, so I brought ex’s his copies of the pictures. He laid them on the floor. When he left – he left before we did – he was still glued to his phone. He left the pictures laying in the floor, which I did not even notice. It wasn’t until my daughter walked over and seen something under ex’s chair. So, I’m waiting to see how long it takes for him to realize he forgot the pictures.

So, Happy Halloween!

Halloween is defiantly my favorite holiday. If I had the money, my house would be decorated and I would create a haunted house. I would make everything over the top. Well, I don’t have money so I just enjoy the spirit of the holiday.

In the past, trick or treating consisted of ex sitting in the car and my daughter and I going to the houses. After girlfriend entered the picture, it was her and her kids that ex would sit in the car and wait for.

The first Halloween that they were officially together was hard for me. It was technically ex’s day. I wanted to tag along. I did not want to miss out on my daughter trick or treating – they grow out of it so fast. I walked with girlfriend’s kids and my daughter while ex and girlfriend walked behind me. Girlfriend was dressed like a “sexy nerd” and had insane high heels. How I managed to keep from busting out laughing when she tripped in her heels on the sidewalk, I don’t know. The past couple of years, girlfriend hasn’t gone trick or treating with us any more. She will send her youngest with ex. Ex and that kid will trick or treat with my daughter and me. Then quickly after, ex will have to leave to go pick up another one of girlfriend’s kids.

The first year – two years ago – I was shocked that ex would quickly leave us and never even call or text to make sure we were okay or at least to make sure we made it home safely. Last year, I didn’t even bother with ex. He did meet up with us for maybe thirty minutes, but that was all.

This year is going to be bittersweet. My daughter is too old for trick or treating – her word, not mine. ha-ha. I told her it was up to her. I would take her trick or treating or we could just buy some candy and watch scary movies. So, today we are starting a new tradition – scary movie night to celebrate Halloween. She did dress up for school. She even asked if we could do a photo shoot after school of her in her costume and makeup.

I’m going to miss taking her trick or treating, but watching movies and having fun at home is going to be wonderful.

 

I Don’t Want to be Replaced as Mom

My daughter was seven when I filed for divorce. However, I continued to be with my ex-husband for two more years after our divorce was finalized. After ex and I were finished, he was seeing someone else (actually before we were finished – but that is a different post completely). She was already around my daughter. Ex was paying for them to have their nails done together – something that he had never done for me. I felt like I was being replaced as her mother. He was trying to make my daughter bond with this other woman. Paying for things to try to bring them closer together. Giving them opportunities to do things I’d never gotten to do with my daughter.

It did not help when I found out he was seeing this woman the same time he was telling me that he loved me and was having sex with me. He was spending the days with me and our daughter, and sneaking – now girlfriend – this woman into the house at night (we lived in separate houses that’s why I was not aware for this happening).

When I found out, I broke. I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up blacking out. I fell into a three month depression where I was physically ill all of the time. I was not eating or sleeping. I was a horrible role model for my daughter. I really did fear I would be replaced. Actually, looking back I’m surprised my daughter did not want to replace me.

I’m pretty sure if it was ex’s choice, my daughter would have to call this woman “mom.” I’m pretty sure he would just erase me from the picture completely.

Back then, I feared I would be replaced in my daughter’s life. I mean, what nine year old would not love to get their nails done; go shopping; and have this “family” because that was the woman with her dad.

My daughter is about to turn thirteen. I do not fear being replaced as her mom. She knows I am mom. She knows I am in her corner 100%.

Yesterday, my daughter I were talking. She’s having to do a fundraiser for school. The school told the students the best place to sell is at church. Um… neither ex nor I are Christian, and do not attend church. I know girlfriend makes her kids go to church, so I made a comment to my daughter that I guess she could try going to their church and sell her stuff for the fundraiser.

I asked what type of church do they attend – I was raised going to church so I was preparing for possible questions. My daughter did not know. So, I started explaining to her what church was like depending on the different domination.

My daughter’s next comment actually stopped me in my tracks: I’ve already went to church with girlfriend and her kids.

What!?

When?!?

Ex went??!?!?!?!

Apparently, ex did not go. He sent my daughter with them. But this happened years ago. Apparently it was just the one time.

I was so hurt: 1. I did not know about this sooner. – What if she had questions? What if she wanted to start attending church? I was in the dark about another thing in my daughter’s life. 2. Ex would make a decision like that without talking to me. – Typical behavior from him. But seriously, I think both parents should be included. Yes, my daughter’s religion and beliefs are hers to make, but if we are introducing something important that could and possibly would affect her BOTH PARENTS SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THAT DECISION. 3. What else do I not know that I am going to be blindsided by? This is the one that really scares me. What else has happened while my daughter is with ex and girlfriend that I do not know. Why didn’t she tell me – was she scared? Did she not think it was important?

I did talk to my daughter about it, so we got that situation taken care of.

Then she made a comment about girlfriend – honestly, I don’t remember the comment. I said, I don’t know because I don’t really know girlfriend. My daughter said, that’s okay you’re not missing out on anything.

So, I don’t know if that comment was made because she wants to protect my feelings or if she really dislikes girlfriend.

I have heard my daughter refer to girlfriend as “step monster.” I tell her that is not nice. I do expect my daughter to have respect for people that earn/deserve it. I know the stories that I hear this woman has not earned my daughter’s respect. As far as I can tell she is respectful to the girlfriend. She doesn’t call her names. She helps around the house. She does things with girlfriend – they still get their nails done together.

Here’s my conflict. A part of me does want to get to know this woman. I want to have this support system for my daughter.

Actually, a lot of things I hear about girlfriend – she is a lot like me! Same taste in movies, and some music. We both have tattoos. We both dye our hair (I do red and black. She does blonde and black). But we are different. I never wear makeup. She never is seen without makeup – my daughter said even when they do not leave the house, girlfriend wears makeup 24/7. Her hair is always in a tight bun. Mine is always down in my wild curls. Used to girlfriend was thin – ex always criticized my weight. Last time I seen girlfriend, she was pretty close to my size.

I wonder if girlfriend and I would click.

But then I think why? Why try to be friends?

I don’t want to be friends with someone that sleeps with someone else’s man. I don’t want to be friends with someone that tries to keep the parents from having a good, civil relationship with each other for the sake of their child(ren). I don’t want to invite dramatic possibilities into my life. Besides what would happen when we start sharing stories about ex. eww.

As much as I don’t want to be replaced as mom – I don’t think I will be replaced – I wonder what will happen when I meet a great man. My daughter has already asked if/when I get remarried if she could call the new guy “dad.”

Oh, and I finally got the address from ex – since he is moving in with girlfriend. I got her address and home phone number. I put that information in my phone. Found her Facebook profile and got a contact photo of her. She’s not saved in my phone by her name – nor is ex. But instead, ex is saved as My daughter’s father; girlfriend is saved as Ex-husband’s girlfriend. Both are in another language.

Hopefully, healing is taking progress… baby steps.

Reactions

I took Saturday off this past weekend. I had planned on sleeping – THE ENTIRE DAY – I need sleep! Well, ex brought my daughter home at 8:15am on Saturday. Okay, I got a few extra hours of sleep. I spent the day helping her with homework, watching her cheer, playing board games with her, and watching movies with her. It was a fun day.

Well, ex picked her up about 8:30pm Saturday night. I figured he would keep her until late on Sunday. SOOOO… new plan: work Sunday morning and then sleep all day Sunday afternoon.

Sounded like an awesome plan!

Well, Sunday morning: I go to work. Earn some money. Get home at 11am. Grab me something to eat. Crawl into bed around 11:30am. YAY, SLEEP!

12:45pm – My phone starts ringing. It is my daughter. I of course answer it – not sure why she is calling me.

her: Hi Mom, are you home?

me: Yes.

her: Okay, we’re coming over.

me: What?!? Why??

her: Dad wants to bring some stuff over.

We hang up…

&%*@!!!!! Seriously!

Ex comes over. I mean he has already brought a lot of my belongings over. WHAT MORE COULD BE IN HIS HOUSE THAT BELONGS TO ME?!?!

Okay… He brings a shelf, art supplies, and books.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! This could not wait until he brought my daughter home later in the day. He has to be this stuff to me right then?

So, I must have looked as rough as I felt. I greeted ex and my daughter outside. Both of them almost at the same time asked: Are you sick?

Nope. Just trying to sleep…

Well, ex makes a comment about there might be more of my stuff at his house. He said I could have a couple of items, but I would have to go to his house to get them. Fine, fine.

So, I drive over there. We have to walk around the entire house – he was trying to get rid of anything and everything he could. His house is a two-story house – it’s roomy. I live in a single wide trailer. I can’t fit much into my house. So, yes, I would love to hold onto all of my memories of my daughter’s old toys or clothes. It’s not possible.

He tried giving me his Christmas tree – I have a Christmas tree.

It’s like why are you getting rid of everything?

He said because there is no room at girlfriend’s house.

Then why move in there?

Because she asked me to.

Just keep our daughter in mind.

I am. She’s excited.

**I call bullshit**

Later, apparently he tells our daughter that he is not getting rid of things like the Christmas tree. Seriously?!? What game is he trying to play? I’m not stupid. Neither is my kid. We both talk to each other. We know when he is lying and trying to play us.

Apparently, he told my daughter to ask me if I would let him have her sometime during this week so they could continue to clean and pack – he took this week off for vacation. Uhh… he is a grown ass man. He can ask me himself. I’m not a bad ex wife – he is actually very lucky. I could make his life hell if I wanted to.

But, he is not worth that drama or energy.

Really, what would I achieve out of making his life hell?

Being bitter. Being a horrible role model for my daughter.

Besides, it’s not in my personality.

***

This morning, I seen a post asking if any other women had gave up on dating men and decided to start to date women.

So many of the comments were “EWW” “Hell no!”

Talk about closed-minded and hurtful reactions. I’m pretty sure the person that posted was meaning for it to be a joke – not a funny joke. Besides, can’t just switch sides because you want to.

I am attracted to women. I remember being attracted to girls before I was attracted to guys – talk about being in a state of confusion. I’m trying to raise my daughter to be open minded. I think I’m doing a good job. She’ll see a same sex couple kiss or hold hands and she’ll say “aww.”

***

Another post was about starting online dating, but having fears. She talked about being a mom and having a body to prove it. She talked about being afraid no one would like her or she would go on a date with a serial killer.

That is why I put a lot of my personal experiences up here. I want people to see: 1. they are not alone in how they feel; 2. hopefully learn from my mistakes; 3. I heal and move on.

Of course, the healing aspect is slowly happening. But let’s face it, I could – and would – heal even if my blog was private. The learning from my mistakes – I post some personal things on here – personal and sometimes embarrassing. So, hopefully others will take words of advice. For example, the red flags while online dating.

I know we all think we will not make those mistakes, but it happens. For example, I know to have safe sex. I know this! BUT… I have had unprotected sex with a stranger – someone I met online and knew for less than two weeks. DO NOT DO THAT. ha-ha.

I know what red flags to watch for when chatting, yet I ignored them and fell in love with a serial cheater.

So, my words of advice for online dating:

Make a profile. Put recent pictures of yourself. Do not post pictures of your children. List some interests you have. List what you are looking for – fwb, relationship, dating.

Do not give anyone your number. Use texting apps instead. kik is my favorite. You can text, send pictures, and video chat. It is easy to block. I realize there is a dating site for kik – this includes a lot of married individuals. I have never visited the site, but I do find the app very useful.

If you have a bad feeling about someone then block them. Trust your gut.

Watch for red flags!! Seen one woman post screenshots for advice – a guy after only one day of chatting together was calling her “babe” and was wanting to cuddle. THAT IS A RED FLAG — RUN!

Realize online dating is a brutal game. If you are chatting with someone, they are probably chatting with others. Hence, just because you are chatting or even causally dating, does not mean you are in a relationship. I’ve seen women freak out because the guy would not message them on a Friday night after they had been chatting for a week – he was probably on a date. It happens.

Another red flag, if they tell you that you are not allowed to chat with other men while you are chatting with them – RUN! I had one tell me that I was not allowed to chat with any men nor have any male friends. EXCUSE ME? Boy, please. **block**

When you get on the dating sites, there are going to be so many messages. It is natural. You can search for new users and they all smell fresh meat. Just block and keep going.

I do not care if you are depressed or the most out going, ray of sunshine on the planet do not let them see your weakness – they will take that opportunity and run with it. They will find someone who is depressed, lower self-esteem call them beautiful and take advantage of them.

If they only want pictures or talk about your body – block them.

I know, most of this as you are reading through may think: of course, I know this stuff.

It’s different living it. Especially if you’re coming out of a hard divorce/breakup. The attention from someone feels great. You let common sense slip. You let your emotions cloud your mind and your logic.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

Divorce Takes Adjusting

Every day since my divorce I have had to adjust to my new life as a divorced mom. Everyday brings something new. I’m about to be a divorced mom of a teenager girl, that is going to bring new challenges and take some adjusting as well.

I’ve had to adjust to not being with my ex, which the past few days he has been haunting my dreams. I am not sure why. The dreams start off pleasant enough, but end up abusive. One dream was very sexual, but in the dream after ex climaxed he grabbed me and told me that he’d never loved me and then tried to kiss me again. I woke up feeling grossed out.

Again, I’m not sure why he is in my dreams. I haven’t seen nor talked to him more than a few minutes here or there over the past week:

Thursday, he picked up our daughter nothing was really said. Just the typical hi/bye.

Friday, my daughter had cheer practice. Well, the location got moved so I did call ex to make sure he knew where to take her. The girls were practicing for a Saturday performance. On the phone, ex said he’d forgot that he’d had plans for Saturday. I told him that I knew that he had plans – my daughter had told me weeks ago. Ex said that he’d forgot because he has been so stressed out with work – another adjustment, not asking for additional information. I would have used to ask why was he stressed out. Used to, I would had cared why he was stressed out. This time, I didn’t say a word. I just continued conversation by saying that I knew he was taking the youngest of girlfriend’s kids out of town for her birthday. Ex cut me off and said that he was taking everyone, not just the one child. Again, I continued saying what I was going to say. I told ex if he wanted I would be willing to switch days – I take Saturday and he could have Sunday. (In my mind, he could still come and see our daughter cheer at her performance and then on Sunday he could take all of them out of town and do the “family trip” plans.) Ex did not respond. He ignored my offer. Okay, fine by me.

Friday night, my daughter was texting me from girlfriend’s house. She was upset about her room. She sent me some pictures. Another adjustment: trying to comfort my child from whatever location ex has her at. I was telling her the room is going to be awesome once girlfriend’s kid’s stuff is taken out and my daughter gets to make the room “hers.” Again, I am having to make adjustments: being supportive of my child living at girlfriend’s house – I still do not know where she lives. Even though I think ex is making a stupid mistake, I am trying to be supportive for my daughter. Well, during our texting she mentioned that ex was going to switch days with me. Really?!? I told her I didn’t know anything about it.

About five minutes later, I get a text from ex: I’m switching days with you. Sorry about that

Are you kidding me?!? First off, he could not talk to me earlier in the day like a grown man while we were on the phone so we could discuss times and everything. Then – I find out that he told my daughter to tell me because he did not want to text me – he tells me that he is switching days, not asking if the offer was still on the table.

My response: Oh yeah? What times?

Ex replies: 8am until whenever you want me to pick her up.

Again, didn’t ask when would work for me. He told me – typical behavior from him.

I found out 8am because he was still taking the family trip – without my daughter – and they had to be on the road by 8:30.

Me: Alright.

That’s another adjustment – one that I am still fighting, but I guess I need to pick my battles. Ex does not communicate with me. He sends messages through our daughter. He will not talk to me like a grown man. And he is so pussy-whipped that he has to check with girlfriend about everything. That is also the reason he does not communicate with me, girlfriend hates when he has anything to do with me. She has two ex husbands already and does not talk to either of them. She thinks exes should not talk to each other. So, since being with her, ex has the same stupid idea in his head.

Hate to tell them, but ex used to think I was so amazing that he loved me, married me, and had a child with me. We are stuck in each other lives forever because we have a child together. So, grow up people.

Sometimes I wonder if ex still loves me or if he is just playing mind games with me. Last weekend, he came to my house – still dropping off some of my belongings from his house. He stood there and flirted with me.

Another adjustment, one that is so hard: being a supportive role model for my daughter when she talks about her time with ex, girlfriend, and girlfriend’s three kids.

I’m not going to lie – I want to roll my eyes, scoff, and call them both idiots.

I do slip up. The damn “lick a biscuit” I did say that was a stupid saying. Yesterday, my daughter asked if I’d watched a new movie – I haven’t seen it, yet. She said girlfriend said it was a stupid movie – I automatically rolled my eyes and dismissed girlfriend’s opinion. I caught myself after the fact, and said to my daughter that I had not seen it, so I plan on still watching it.

Saturday, I was in shock that ex brought by daughter to my house at 8:15am. He left for the entire day with girlfriend and her kids. He did not watch our daughter’s performance – nor did he ask me for any pictures or anything. Instead, he texted my daughter for about thirty minutes after he dropped her off, trying to get her to come with them instead.

I felt so bad. My daughter wanted to do both. She asked ex to come to the performance and go out of today on Sunday, and he refused. I told my daughter, it was her choice if she wanted to go with him or stay with me and go to her performance.

Another adjustment, hoping that I don’t show my hurt when my daughter has to choose between ex or me. I get he has money. I get he is the Disneyland parent.

My daughter did very well with her performance. She got to play some games, eat a snow cone, and hang out with friends. We watched a few movies and played board games. She got all of her homework done.

I know she had fun. She laughed and smiled.

Then, she would check her phone and her entire disposition would change. She would slump and start to frown.

Found out ex was sending pictures of what they were doing to my daughter. Girlfriend’s kids were posting pictures of their fun “family trip” on social media.

Again, I don’t know how to handle this. I want to text ex and tell him exactly what I think of his behavior. I want to comfort my child and apologize that her father is the way that he is. I want to be in a relationship with an amazing man to show my daughter that all men are not like ex.

Some adjustments are easy to get used to. Others have taken years. Some I am still trying to adjust to.

One, that we all adjusted to fairly quickly were holidays.

I remember the first Christmas that girlfriend was around. I brought my daughter over to ex’s house – my daughter wanted me to watch her open gifts. Ex threw a fit and told me to get out because he thought I would cause drama – he spent more on girlfriend’s kids than his own daughter and he bought girlfriend “better” stuff then he’d ever even dreamed of buying me.

I actually adjusted to splitting holidays fairly well. My family adjusted easily – I’m divorced and I have a sibling that is divorced. So, my family is used to adjusting to schedules – having Christmas early or late depending on when everyone can be there.

I have Christmas early or late depending on when I have my daughter.

One holiday that we do not split – we celebrate together – is our daughter’s birthday. That in itself takes some adjusting. Ex brings girlfriend’s kids – but not girlfriend – it stings. It is a slap to the face to me.

Honestly, if he brought the teenagers, I would not care – I have not had an issues with those two girls personally. My daughter seems to get along very well with them. But the third child, that is the one that causes issues.

I still get sad remembering the conversation between the two of us when we were married and thinking about having a second child. Ex told me he didn’t want any more children because he did not want to take a chance of having another girl and having to deal with all the drama and hormones. Now, he plays “dad” to three girls – not counting our child. It still brings tears. Why does he get the family that I wanted? Why am I probably going to die a single, cat lady? (Okay, I’m not to that point… yet). It is still depressing though.

Ironic?

Yesterday I wrote about forgiving.

I weighed the pros and cons of forgiving my ex. I thought about what I need to forgive him for. I thought about maybe if I forgive then my life would seem to get better – maybe karma would not target me for having such negative thoughts towards my ex.

Anyone that has been reading and following my posts knows that ex sold his house – he actually closed last week – and is in the process of moving in with girlfriend, which I personally think is a mistake – but sadly I have no say in the matter. I just really worry about my daughter. Ex will still not tell me where girlfriend lives.

Ex wanted to move in with girlfriend years ago, but she said “no” and that they had to get married first.

Well, I wonder what changed.

They are not getting married – they’re not even engaged. Girlfriend cannot get pregnant – so not like she can “trap” ex. Which ex told me years ago that he was glad she couldn’t get pregnant that was one reason he was with her. He has also told me that he never plans on getting married again. Girlfriend has been married twice already. He has never really spoke highly of girlfriend around me – he’s told me how easy she is and how she’s “been around” (his actual words).

So, why is she allowing him to move into her house now?

Because she isn’t stupid, of course. Ex already pays the bills there – including upgrading TV and internet. He buys the food. He cooks and cleans. He babysits the kids. He bought a new vehicle for her.

I wonder what his plan is when she gets mad and breaks up with him, again (I know of a couple of times that they have already broke up). Anyway, that’s not the ironic aspect of the situation. I don’t care about their relationship. I know what ex is like. I care about my kid. I want the best situation for her.

So, ironic… me talking about forgiving ex and then this happens:

So, ex closed on the house, which he isn’t showing any emotion to the situation. My daughter is actually sad about it. That was the house we brought her home from the hospital to; that is the house she has lived in for almost thirteen years.

Anyway, so ex brought my stuff to me that was still in the house – I moved into a much smaller house and we were still together, so there was no reason to haul everything to my house when we first got divorced. Then as the years went by, it was items I no longer needed. I’d lived without them, so why bother with them now. Or they were things ex had given to me while we were a couple. I gave my daughter a lot of things, the rest was laid to rest in the trash.

He apparently is giving all the furniture and appliances to his family. Honestly, I wouldn’t had minded getting the washer and a couch – he has three couches, I could have gotten one, ha-ha. Well, my daughter – sweet girl – thinking of her mom, said to ex that I might want his refrigerator (why she would think that, not a clue. lol. I bought a new refrigerator last year). Apparently ex told her if I wanted the frig then he would SELL it to me.

What?!? Has he lost his bloody mind!!

He is going to SELL the refrigerator to me? That refrigerator that was in the fucking house when we bought it THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. HA. Fucking asshole!!

I got a good laugh out of that. I know my ex is a tool. That is just more proof. He would not give me something that he no longer needs. He would not give me something that our daughter could use. But instead he would try to make a profit off of it. I struggle with money and he would take an opportunity to take money from me – from our daughter. That is money that could go to bills or food.

Yep, I know I need to forgive him. It is so hard to forgive when every time I deal with him there is something like that happening.

Oh, and I might have to have a talk with him about girlfriend’s choice of phrases… Apparently, her favorite phrase is to “lick a biscuit.”

Okay, I haven’t had sex since April of this year. My mind went to the gutter right away when my daughter said that phrase yesterday. WHAT?! Please, don’t say things like that around my kid!!

Luckily, my daughter thought the phrase was annoying and stupid. She just said it because she said she was tired of hearing that phrase – guess girlfriend said it a lot over the weekend.

Curious, I asked what context it was used: Apparently, girlfriend got bitchy about something and then apologized that the diet was making her crabby and she just needed to lick a biscuit. (Hmm… could still mean something dirty. ha-ha)

A Must Read

Updated: September 2019

Introduction

First, let me introduce myself – again. I have been writing this blog since June 2018. I am now up to over 175 followers – I thank each of you for taking the time to read, comment, ask questions, and share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings!

My blog is full of sensitive issues. I chose not to use my real identity with this blog – for reasons I will explain later. I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve always joked that my life would make a great movie for Lifetime. But this is more of my journal. I read through old posts. I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned.

My name is “Stormie.”

I chose “Stormie” because it is nowhere close to my real name. It sounded beautiful. It was a name that I felt like I could relate to – storms are beautiful, powerful, and misunderstood.

So, again, I’m Stormie. I am divorced. I’ve been divorced for six years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of fifteen years. (I know you are trying to do the math in your head. The numbers will not make sense. I spent an additional two years with my ex even after my divorce was finalized – Why? because I was lost. I thought my divorce was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to fail at my marriage. I didn’t want to loose my best friend. I didn’t want to live and die alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home.). I have one child, a thirteen-year-old daughter. I write about her often. She is the joy of my life. Again, I try to avoid any details that would help identify anyone in my life – even my ex.

Sensitive Issues

So, as I said, I chose a new identity because of the topics in my blog. Don’t get me wrong, just because I changed my name, this is me. This is how I speak. This is my personality, my attitude, and my character all on paper. These are my actual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I don’t know if I’m “ashamed” of the events in my life. But most of them I have kept as a secret from friends and family. My own family really doesn’t know me. If they did, I don’t think they would claim me anymore. When I started writing this blog, I really did not have a great relationship with my family. Since my dad’s death I have tried harder to build a relationship with my mom.

So what are my sensitive issues?

Self-Injury

I started hurting myself when I was nine-years-old. I was very depressed and lost. I was suicidal. The first time I cut myself it was because I was too scared to slit my wrist to complete the suicide attempt.

I continued hurting myself for many years. I have many scars from my years of cutting and burning myself. I kept my scars hidden from family and friends.

Honestly, I don’t know if my family even knows. If they do, they have never said a word to me about it.

My ex, obviously knows. He didn’t understand the behavior. He called it, and me, “crazy.”

Anyone who doesn’t understand self-injuring may think it is “crazy.” Why would you want to hurt yourself? If you hurt yourself then it means you’re suicidal, right?

So, people who self-injure are not suicidal. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is a coping tactic to continue living. It is a way to stay in control of yourself, your emotions, and your body.

People self-injure to see the blood. It is powerful to see those emotions pour out of you. You feel stronger because you are controlling those emotions. You are not crying in front of anyone. You are hiding and hurting yourself on your own terms. It is a rush. Your body sends messages to your brain and you feel this rush of being alive. You know that you can continue living and facing whatever situation is challenging you.

I self-injured for eleven years.

I still think about falling back into old habits, but I don’t because I want to be a better role model for my daughter.

She asks about my scars – I am slowly working on getting them covered with tattoos (which is not an easy progress. Tattoos are expensive – and money is something I struggle with each month. Tattooing scars is a challenge – scaring occurs in the fourth or fifth layer, so the ink has to be pushed deeper than that. Not to mention, it takes a lot longer to tattoo – my scars are raised and the needle would get stuck in the scar tissue – painful.) But when my daughter asks about my scars, I just brush off her questions and redirect her focus to something else – I am not ready to disclose that part of my life with my daughter. I am not ready for that look of sadness and disappointment spread across her face. I don’t want her to think her mom is “crazy.”

Suicide

I have thought about taking my life multiple times. I have attempted a couple of times. The most recent attempt was a few years ago. I tried to over-dose. My ex was the one that stayed by me to make sure I was okay. (Yes, my ex does have some good moments in my life.)

I will add, if you know someone that might be suicidal please talk to them. Seems like people believe if you talk about it then you are pretty much talking them into it. No. They need to know someone notices they are struggling. They need to know someone cares.

Eating Disorders

When I was seven, my grandmother passed away. She was the one person in the world that I was really close to. My world crashed all around me during that time. She had cancer. So, I watched her get worse for two years before she finally passed.

I couldn’t get over her death. The rest of the family went on smiling and laughing. They could remember great stories about her and tell them and smile.

I couldn’t.

I cried.

I had no one to talk to. I feared death.

They’d told me that she’d died in her sleep. I feared sleeping. I became an insomniac. I questioned my religion: heaven and hell terrified me.

I found comfort in food. I ate my emotions. I gained weight. My mom put me on countless diets. She forced me to join sports.

I never lost the weight.

By middle school, I was fat and wore glasses. I was shy – I didn’t speak above a whisper. Obviously, I was an easy target for bullies.

I remember the first day I started starving myself. I was in seventh grade. I had got a school lunch – it was a BBQ sandwich (funny the details we remember, even after so many years, huh?). I overheard two girls laugh and say “eww, she’s going to eat that?” I felt my face turn red. I stood up and tossed the food into the trash and left the cafeteria.

It was amazing. I felt like I had control over food. I started skipping lunches. Skipping breakfasts. Skipping dinners.

By high school, I was down to 100lbs.

No one said anything.

I know people knew what I was doing. They looked the other way.

There are not many pictures of me during those years – I hid in my room – but there is one picture of me when I was fourteen. I am thin. Dark circles under my eyes. My hair looks horrible. I am smiling, but I look sick. I look sad.

I can’t look at that picture.

I did start eating again. My ex and I went to school together. He made me feel like it was okay to eat. I started gaining the weight. I started looking healthy.

Then, after we moved in together, my eating turned back into emotional eating. I gained more and more weight.

Today, I am obese.

I try to eat healthy. I try to work out and lose weight. It is a daily struggle.

I hate working out because I am so big it is hard to work out. I hate working out alone because then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it for one day… two days… a week… a month…

I hate eating because I know I am so big that I’m only going to get bigger.

I hate not eating. I hate being hungry. I hate the sound of my stomach growling. I remember growing up with hunger pains all day long, every single day.

You think once you start starving yourself then the hunger pains go away – no, you learn to live with them.

I did start purging – I cannot stay making myself sick – but, I did binged and purged for a few years.

Anxiety

Growing up, I’d always had anxiety. I would feel like I could not breath in a crowded store. I would want to run away.

It wasn’t until during my divorce did I get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder. I was given medication. I took it for a while.

I stopped taking the pills. I hated the side effects. I felt like my mind was in a fog all of the time, and I was still having anxiety attacks.

I have had major attacks – alone, and if front of others. It’s scary. It makes you feel like a freak. You want to disappear. Then after an attack, you have no energy. You want to sleep, forever.

I have gotten my anxiety under control. I am able to do grounding. The last attack was in February 2018 (I slept with someone and I had flashbacks of being with my ex. I felt like I’d been so horrible in bed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stop the attack.).

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to keep you focused. You find something you can see, feel, hear, smell. You focus on these objects. You make your brain and your senses work together to keep you in the moment. You focus on your breathing.

My worst attack was years ago. In front of my ex, I’d found out he was sleeping with someone and me at the same time. That attack was so bad, I don’t remember the conversation. I remember hearing his voice, but not the words. I remember telling myself to breath. I passed out. I completely blacked out. I woke up and he wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused.

Depression

I have depression. I finally got diagnosed with depression after my dad was killed. (I know I should have gone years ago and talked to the doctor, but I was scared. I was so scared they would take my daughter away from me. I was scared my ex would use my mental health as a weapon against me.)

During my final break-up with my ex, I was physically ill. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My body hurt. I sat in the dark for hours. I was lost. After my dad’s death, I didn’t want to slip into the same situation. So, I did go to the doctor.

I struggle daily. I am trying to get it under control. I do still take my medication.

Religion

I will not go into my beliefs. I do ask if you want to comment – great – but I don’t want you to convert me to your beliefs, and I will not convert you to mine.

Again, my beliefs are different than my family’s – another reason to use the secret identity.

This is one thing you will not read about in my posts.

Sexual Orientation

So, I consider myself bisexual. I have never been with a female, but I am attracted to them. I remember being attracted to girls before I was even attracted to guys. I felt so confused. I kept my feelings to myself. I knew the place I grew up in, that was not “appropriate.”

I did tell one girl, in high school, that I had a crush on her. She freaked and stopped hanging around me completely.

With online dating, I have chatted with females. But I continue to go back to males. Why? Actually, the women on those dating sites are worse than the men.

Again, my family does not know. They would not approve at all. So, I don’t bother telling anyone.

Abuse

I have dealt with abuse most of my life. Mainly emotional/mental abuse. Growing up and being told I was fat and that I should not attempt a certain goal because I would fail. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom – I remember her always making fun of me because of my weight. I remember her telling me I shouldn’t try something because I would not win – I would not be the best one out there. (I am trying to build a better relationship with mom since dad’s death. I know that is what he would want.)

Or, being told that if a guy is mean to you, then that means that he likes you. DON’T EVER TELL YOUR CHILD THAT.

I seriously believed it!

My first boyfriend – I was in seventh grade. He was in tenth grade – pinned me against the wall. He pinned my wrists above my head and helped himself to my body. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that was what it was like to have a boyfriend.

Every boyfriend treated me like that – except one: my first love. I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. He treated me well. He respected me when I said “no.” I did love him. Even today, I still have love for him.

I was engaged when I was sixteen (not to my ex-husband). He was abusive. He would yell at me and punch the wall. He would force me to make out when I wasn’t wanting to. One time, he kept on. I know I put myself in the situation. I started kissing him. I started making out with him. But after he pinned me against the wall, I said “no.” He did not listen and continued to pull down my pants.

I did not tell anyone – except my, at the time, best friend (who is my ex-husband). I felt like I got what I deserved. I should have known better. I should have not put myself in that situation.

I have been hit, pinned to the wall, knocked to the floor, taken advantage of, lied to, called names, been cheated on by pretty much every guy in my life.

My Ex-Husband

I’ve know my ex since middle school. We were best friends in high school and started dating the summer before our senior year. I ignored the red flags. He was a flirt with every girl in the school. They would hang on him – he loved it.

Before we were dating, after the rape, ex started writing on my jacket and my notebooks “CQ” and told other guys to call me “condom queen.”

He didn’t believe that I was a virgin (I never count that rape when talking about my number of sexual partners). Even when we became a couple, he did not believe that I was a virgin. There were so many rumors about me in school.

I’m the one that asked my ex out. I’m the one that made the first move.

Ironically, I knew he was the guy I was going to marry. But even in high school, when I pictured our life together, I could never see us growing old together. I never seen us being together past our twenties – I was thirty when my divorce was finalized.

Dating my ex was fun – we went out and played putt-putt/ go to the movies/ walk around the park and just talk… Dating was fun. Being a responsible couple living together was not fun. We moved in together when we were in our twenties. That was our first fight as a couple – we fought about money. My ex has a temper. He would throw objects, and punch walls. He made me feel unattractive. At the time, I thought the sex was great. (I know better now. The sex was horrible, but when you have nothing to compare it to… ).

The first time he threatened me with divorce, we’d been married for two years. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but he told me since he was in the military then he could get a great lawyer and get full custody.

I believed him 100%.

I stayed in fear. I stayed because who else would want me. I stayed because I had a child with him. I stayed because I would not survive on my own.

I know he was unfaithful. Do I have proof? No. The first time I felt something was going on was during his first overseas deployment. I was five months pregnant, we’d been married for six months. He claims he never slept with anyone else while we were married. But that did not stop him from trying. I did read messages to one chick from him. They were deployed together. They bought each other gifts. He bought her underwear. She turned him down – NOT BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED, but because she had a boyfriend…. Those are the messages I found and admitted to him that I seen. I filed for divorce the next day.

I also believe ex and current girlfriend were together while we were married, because of posts on social media that I have found.

He did not tell me about any of it. I don’t really know what he was waiting for. He was telling this other woman that he was going to divorce me to be with her, and telling me nothing. And I mean NOTHING. He returned from that deployment, kicked the chair I was sitting in to get my attention asked where our daughter was. That was all he said to me for four days.

I hated filing for divorce. I felt like such a failure. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my ex.

We continued to live together for seven months before I found my own house.

I don’t remember what happened to make us start sleeping together again. But the after divorce sex was so much better than the married sex. We were doing activities like a family again. I thought we were getting back together. It was like we were dating again.

Turns out, he was seeing other women. They would not have sex with him, so he was using me for the sex. He did not tell me about the other women, I was blindsided multiple times. He would sneak – current girlfriend – in his house at night and make her leave before the morning. He would take my daughter to girlfriend’s house and then tell my daughter to lie to me about where she’d been.

Ex made me believe I did not deserve to be loved or to be treated well. He told me that I would not find a guy willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex – because at the time, I seriously thought I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy for a year before having sex (ha, the second guy I had sex with I only knew for a few days before we had sex).

We still have a long way to go before we can co-parent like how I hope for my daughter.

There is still some wounds that need to heal.

One lesson that I learned was, I will never get the closure I wanted. I never know why he was unfaithful. I never will know why he used me for sex. I will never know why he chose girlfriend over me.

So, anyone that is going through a divorce or breakup, don’t expect the closure from the other person. I see so many posts about wanting to write them a letter or a text to get some answers. Burn the letter. Delete the text. You are giving them the power over you. They are keeping you from healing. They are keeping you from being happy.

I will admit, I have no respect for the girlfriend. The first time I tried to meet her, she would not get out of “our” bed. The second time, she could not keep her hands off of ex – they made out in front of me.

I am bitter – I do admit that. Ex never wanted more kids – he told me he was afraid if we had another child that it would be another a girl and he did not want to deal with drama and hormones. BUT life is cruel. Girlfriend has THREE GIRLS… Ex claims to be their “dad.” He buys them food, clothes, and gifts. He walked the one on the field for homecoming. He goes to every one of their practices and activities, yet bitches when he has to do the same for our daughter.

He brings the kids to our daughter’s birthday party and her various activities – he forces our daughter to share everything (belongings and room). It is like a slap in the face to me every single time.

He gets to have relationship. He gets to have the family.

I get to be single and probably too old to ever have any more children.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t love my ex anymore. I loved the idea of him at times. I loved the idea of our life that I had pictured. I don’t love him – and that took a long time to realize and to work through.

Divorce

I did file for divorce. But ex is the one that wanted it. He told another woman he was going to divorce me and move across the country to be with her (they’d met during a military deployment). I told him if that was what he wanted, then I would give him the divorce.

When I went to file for divorce I was clueless. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. I went to the first lawyer I found – I did not do any research. PLEASE RESEARCH YOUR LAWYER!! This POS lawyer ran off with my money. I ended up having to hire a second lawyer. The second one was a complete asshole. Hated my lawyers – but got the job done.

I was an emotional mess going into my divorce. I did not have the knowledge needed or the strength to fight for anything. My ex got the house. I get very little child support (not even half of what the state requirement would be based on his income six years ago).

My decree has nothing worth anything in it…

I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Advice:

Get first right of refusal in your decree! This means if it is one parent’s time and he/she has to work or cannot keep the kids then they have to ask the other parent first before trying to hire a babysitter or finding a family member to watch the children. My heart was broken when ex left my daughter with girlfriend, her teenagers, or her mother instead of leaving her with me when he had to go into work.

Overnight guests. Again, my decree says nothing about overnight guests. Says nothing about introducing our child to potential mates. NOTHING. So, ex introduced my daughter to these women within weeks of dating. Had them at his house and forced her to play with their children. Ironically, the one guy I brought my daughter around, ex found out and threw a fit!! He accused me of having sex in front of my child — um, no. I never had sex in my house – with either guy. And I did not have sex when my daughter was anywhere around – we went to the movies and went swimming. BUT it is okay for him to bring women over and to have sex when our daughter is at his house… irony…

College. Insurance. Car. None of this is talked about in my decree. Granted, my daughter was seven when I go divorced, but still I should have thought about the future.

Online Dating

I am shy around people. I am awkward around guys. I don’t know how to flirt or date. I don’t drink. I quit smoking back when I was twenty (I started smoking when I was thirteen). I don’t go to bars or clubs. I have a small circle of friends, but they have their on family to take care of.

So, I turned to online dating to try to find someone.

Okay, I’ve watched one too many Lifetime channel and Hallmark channel movies. I expected one of two situations: 1. to go on a date and be stuffed into a body bag or sold for sex trafficking, 2. find my soulmate and live happily ever after.

Obviously, neither has happened. ha-ha.

I was an emotional mess when I first started online dating. I was trusting. I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted sex.

It’d been eighteen months since I’d had sex, I wanted friends with benefits.

Can you believe I could not find a single guy interested in having sex with me? crazy huh?

Things happen for a reason.

I got catfished. I got my heartbroken. I got ghosted.

I have been trying online dating for four years – with a few breaks here and there. I had life lessons:

One, ghosting is not your fault.

Ghost and Zombies

A person will ghost because they found someone else. Consider it as dodging the bullet – just thank them in your head and move on!!

Avoid zombies. Zombie reenter your life to keep you on the back burner. They want to make sure you are available when THEY are ready. They always want a “plan b.”

Just block ghosts and zombies, you will save yourself a lot of issues right there.

Scammers

Avoid scammers. If their English is not correct – block. It is a scam to get money. Always do your research. Check pictures.

Military Scams

If they are “military” and “currently deployed” and they need money, gift cards, or something in order to contact their family, lawyer, whatever… RUN. BLOCK ASAP.

How will you know if it is a military scam?

They have one picture – typically. Usually in their BDUs’ (battle dress uniform) – yes, learn the lingo. KNOW YOUR TERMS. EDUCATE YOURSELF!! Pay attention to hair cut/style and facial hair. Know what are the regulations for hair in the military. Know if they are active duty then they will have to keep these regulations. Know what information is available. If they tell you that is classified information, they’re lying. If they sound like they are reading from a government/military website to describe their job or rank – they are scamming you.

Military guys talk like eye charts at the doctor’s office… BDU’s, AT Dates, BX, etc.

Military guys also don’t brag about being in the military. They want to talk about other things. Also, if they ask for money because they do not have access to their bank accounts – RUN. Even during deployments they have access to bank accounts, phones, internet, stores, food. Like I said, educate yourself.

I am a military scammers worse nightmare (my ex is military. I dated another branch member and I have a good friend that is in a third branch). They usually block me fairly quickly.

But let’s pretend you believe them.

Red Flags While Online Dating

What other red flags should you look for? They will ask: have you ever been with a military man? Are you currently talking to any other military men? (They don’t want to butt into another’s scam). Oh, my favorite line is: I’m currently deployed, will you wait for me?

Boy, please! I don’t even like waiting for the timer on my microwave to get to zero, why the hell would I wait for you…

Beware of cheaters…. This was a though lesson for me. I fell in love with a serial cheater. I spent seven months with him. My gut told me there was something wrong. I finally figured out what it was… he was engaged. Apparently they had been together for over three-years. I wasn’t the first chick he’d cheated with, but his future-wife continued to forgive him over and over.

There are so many married men on those sites. Know what to look for.

No picture.

No picture means move on!! They are hiding their identify for a reason. One picture is also a red flag. If they tell you that they don’t have a picture because they had to deal with a stalker, call bullshit and move on. These are the guys that haven’t had a date. They are making it seem like there are so many women wanting them. Boy, seriously? Do I look like I was born yesterday?!?

Avoid out of state guys, too. There is a reason they are looking out of state. Yes, another lesson I learned the hard way – the serial cheater was out of state. That way the women in his life did not run into each other.

Ask for current picture once you start chatting. They may have a picture online, but it was from ten years ago – I had that happen to me, too. Got to the date, he looked NOTHING like his picture.

Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, then block them. You don’t have to justify your reasons. You don’t have to explain yourself. EVER.

Know what you want: Do you want fwb, causal dating, relationship. Ask them what they want. If you don’t want the same things, move on.

Watch out for “separated” guys too. They are separated, but still legally married. That is a big no from me. I don’t touch nor talk to married guys. They lie. They say their wife knows they are on those sites. They play the victim – my wife doesn’t love me/ I’m in a sexless marriage. Again, move on! And watch for red flags – the serial cheater told me over and over that he did not have a girlfriend (at the time I thought it was directed towards me not being his girlfriend. I realize now that it was because he was engaged so he was keeping his lies straight.) He also lied and said he had never cheated.

Online dating is brutal. It is a game. Learn to play the game.

Unwanted Pictures While Online Dating

Be prepared for dick pix. Sorry.

It is going to happen.

You are going to see some nasty stuff while online dating. Prepare yourself.

My first dick pix, I DROPPED MY PHONE. In the effort to catch my phone before it hit the floor I pushed “call contact.” I CALLED HIM.

Let me tell you, he thought I was so excited about that picture that I could not wait to meet up with him… gross.

I was not prepared. I was sweet and innocent. The only one I’d really ever seen had been my ex’s. It was a shock getting a random man send me a picture.

Just don’t open pictures if you are not prepared. Give a fair warning. After that, they are fair game. I’ve seen women send the picture to the guy’s mom or girlfriend/wife. I’ve seen those pictures posted online and mocked by hundreds and thousands of other women. I’ve seen some women save them and send them to other men – that makes the guy leave pretty quick. An insult usually shuts them up. Report them and block them is the best route.

Same goes for you – if you would not share with others, then don’t send it. Don’t send pictures or texts/sexting unless you are completely prepared.

Play the Game. Know the Game.

Be prepared for players.

I know how to play the game. I play it very, very well.

Avoid the guys that say: baby, beautiful, sexy, angel.

I don’t know you. You are not allowed to give me some pet name. Gross. Because you know he is saying that to all the other women.

They use pet names, so they don’t have to remember real names.

Educate yourself of common phrases – they get them from websites and just copy and paste them.

Oh, and if they only focus on looks – you ask what kind of woman they are looking for they automatically say “you” or blonde, big tits, blah, blah, blah… They are wanting a one-night stand.

If they say they love you, they have been waiting to me you, you are so amazing and a wonderful person – RUN.

Sex and Online Dating

Another hard lesson for me, was being ghosted after sex. I felt like a slut. I was so ashamed of myself! How could I wait that long and fall into that trap. Twice actually…

The first guy did sleep with me twice and then ghost. The second guy was engaged. I ended up contacted his chick and sending texts from him as proof.

Hey, we’re human.

People make mistakes.

Consider it as a life lesson – learn from it and move on.

Practice safe sex. You don’t know who else they are doing. You don’t want to have pregnancy be a result of one night of fun. If they say they don’t have one – find one. Bring one with you! Hell, I have a box of condoms at my house. I would bring one with me, just in case. I’m an adult. If I want to have sex, then I want to be safe.

There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself. Just make sure that is what you want, and be safe.

Always bring money with you on a date. This is to get yourself a ride if you need to.

Meeting People from Online Dating Sites

So, let’s talk about meeting people online.

What a scary thought, huh? I know.

Get their phone number. Screenshot their profile picture. Tell someone where you are going to be at, who you are meeting – time, place.

I have actually sent a picture of the guy and information about his truck – including the tag information – to someone before.

I have met a guy at his house before – don’t do that. Please. It was not a great situation. It was a dangerous situation, but I learned from it.

Meet in a public place every. single. time.

Have a friend text you randomly to make sure are okay.

If you have a bad feeling during a date – it is okay to leave. I was on one date, he joked about how rape would be fun. I’m not going to lie – I was worried. I was looking for my nearest exit and a possible weapon, if needed.

I don’t recommend first dates to be at a restaurant or at the movies. If you are eating, then you are committed to stay for the entire meal. I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Don’t want them to ditch you after the meal and leave you with the bill.

Arrive before them, and leave after them. Don’t let them see your car. Don’t let them know which direction you are going to be driving from/to. Don’t ride with them – even if you know them. I went on a date with an old high school friend. Got in his car – horrible decision. Don’t do it.

If you have kids – protect your kids. Don’t post pictures of them on those dating sites. I will not chat with a man that has pictures of kids on his profile. Why? Because most of the time those are not even his kids. And, I want a man who is as protective of his kids as I am of mine.

I don’t answer questions about my kid either – until I get to know the person.

My Dad’s Death

November 30, 2018 my dad was heading to work. He was hit head on by another car. My dad was killed on impact. The other driver walked away from the scene with minor injuries. That guy was on four different types of drugs – including meth – at the time of the wreck. He was driving over 100mph.

I write about my dad’s death often. I know people are uncomfortable with death. But I struggle with this. I need an outlet.

I was a daddy’s girl.

I never got to tell my dad “goodbye.” It kills me daily.

Since my dad’s death, the guy that killed him has been in and out of jail numerous times. We are still waiting on the court date to hold him accountable for killing dad.

**Edit**

So, I have read through this post again – hopefully all the grammatical errors are fixed. I added some more information. I tried to keep it kind of organized – in my mind I have these millions of thoughts, and experiences spinning around.

Questions/After Thoughts

So, this was an insanely long post – I know. Thank you for reading it though.

If you have questions or comments leave a comment and I can add it into the post.