Next Phase

So, I got a message from the guy: “wanna text?” Guess he is ready to move into the next phase of online dating: the texting phase.

I know what you are thinking – weren’t you two already messaging each other? What’s the difference?

We were messaging through the dating site. Texting with phones is easier. More convenient.

I guess I will give him my number.

Hate giving out my number.

I used to use an texting app to avoid giving out my number. I haven’t really bothered with texting much, so the app has been removed from my phone. And the texting phase really hasn’t happened lately – except with the young guy (remember the 20-something-year-old? He lasted maybe two days and then disappeared).

So, now you’re thinking, why am I so hesitant on handing out my phone number?

With today’s technology, it’s amazing how easily people can find each other. I do searches on social media and various photo sites often – that is how I caught the serial cheater. There are sites to find phone numbers – most of them, you have to pay a small fee to get access to the information. I have tried searching my own number. My town does come up – without paying a fee. I don’t know what information is available if you pay the fee. I do know the service provider is not correct – so I’m thinking the address will probably not be correct as well.

I haven’t really gotten any red flags from this guy. But not like we’ve actually chatted enough for any red flags to show up. There’s still no spark. So am I being mean to give him my number? And I leading him on?

I did ask him what he was looking for: just friends and dating.

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Military Family Weekend

Ex told me this weekend is Family Weekend on the base. Honestly, I am surprised he did not ask to take our daughter for the entire weekend. (I don’t know if he is bringing girlfriend or any of her kids).

I was talking to a friend yesterday – it was a HORRIBLE day, I needed to vent and talk to someone about life. It came up about family weekend. My friend asked what happens during family weekend.

I paused for a moment.

I honestly do not have a clue!

I was with ex for 15 years, and I never once was invited to family weekend. What does that say about our marriage or how ex felt about me?

He has taken girlfriend to family weekend. He has taken our daughter, too.

Apparently, the year our daughter went with girlfriend, she said girlfriend complained the entire time.

So, again why her, but never me? If she complains the whole time then why bother bringing her?

I always assumed the cheating was his form of midlife crisis. Now, I really wonder if he ever did love me. Was he embarrassed of me? Ashamed?

It’s not like I got pregnant right away and he was “forced” to marry me. It’s not like he was not aware of my mental struggles of anxiety, depression, self-injury, and eating disorders. It’s not like he did not realize that I never dress up or wear make-up. It’s not like he did not know me – we lived together for almost two years before we got married.

So, I wonder what it was…

I know I will never get the answer. (Actually, I may not want the answer) But I still wonder…

Rough Night

Image result for cry self to sleep

Last night I’m really not sure what happened. I guess I got inside my head too much. It was a rough night, which led to crying a couple of times including crying myself to sleep.

My daughter had a game last night. I did not know ex was going to the game. He never communicates with me. IF he wants to tell me or ask me something, he will relay the message through my daughter. Well, he’d messaged her that he was going to the game, but she didn’t have her phone with her.

He gets to the game. Of course he sits no where close to me. I’m used to it. I don’t think that part bothered me. I mean, I don’t want to be his friend. I want to co-parent. But I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want him to ask about my life – which right now feels like I am drowning. I really don’t want to hear about his life – which I hear about it from my daughter because that is part of her life.

Besides, I know what happens when he is around, he stays glued to his phone – messaging girlfriend, gaming, social media, or looking at girlfriend’s kids’ social media.

Anyway, about halfway through the game, I get a text. It is from ex. He is asking me if my daughter is going home with him or me after the game. I respond that I don’t know. I knew the day before she wanted to stay the night with me, but I didn’t know he was going to be at the game (the week before it was after 8:30pm before he showed up to pick her up). He says that it is her choice. I didn’t respond. (Don’t know if it was childish of me or if it was the mature thing to do by not responding. I could see that leading to a fight or something.) I just think to myself, of course it is HER choice. Plus, if he is already at the game then I assumed she would just go with him – makes sense, right?

So, why is he messaging me this? Why not wait until after the game – when we are face to face – if he REALLY needs to ask? Or, better yet, why not have asked me EARLIER – earlier in the day? earlier in the week? just earlier?

Do you know why? Because it is ex’s game. It is his way of still making me feel like shit. It is the slow, emotional abuse that I have dealt with for almost two decades from him.

**I will say, my daughter did a wonderful job cheering at the game last night! I really hope she makes the squad next year. I do enjoy watching her cheer.**

After the game, I followed my daughter back into the school to help her carry her ten bags.

Ex follows me.

He asks where were we going. I explained to him I was going to help her carry all of her stuff.

Well, one of her friends wanted her to walk to the other side of the building to the friend’s locker – because the girl did not want to walk alone. The building was already dark. I said that was fine.

So, ex and I are standing in the hallway, alone, waiting.

He asks “so how’s your week been?”

Again – I don’t want to be friends. I tried that before. I tried being his friend when we were no longer a couple. It about killed me. He judged me for sleeping with someone else (after only knowing them for less than two weeks). He has told my daughter that exes do not have to talk, or care about each other.

I just quickly respond “fine.”

Once my daughter gets back we head out into the parking lot. At this point I still do not know what the plan is.

My daughter hates to make decisions – she doesn’t want to make anyone mad.

So, when I asked what are we doing, ex looks at my daughter and says why don’t you just come with me. She said she still needed to stop at home – my house – to pick up something for school tomorrow. He said okay.

That hurt.

I don’t know why, but it really did sting.

It was like he was gloating about the fact that my daughter CHOSE to go with him over going with me. And he was still going to bring her to my house for a few minutes, but she couldn’t ride with me.

Like I said, I don’t know why but it brought on the tears. (I’m used to pick ups/drop offs. This is nothing new. I knew she was going to go with me. Maybe I secretly hoped she could still come home with me…)

I took the longest route home. I cried the entire drive home.

I got to my house – ex, of course, was already there. I knew he would beat me there. I’d hoped that he would have stopped at his house, or stopped to get gas. Something. So I would not have to see him right away again.

I get out of my car. He is still sitting in his car with the windows down. He is playing a game on his phone with my daughter. Neither acknowledge me. I go into the house and get my daughter’s stuff. I bring it outside. They are still glued to the phone. Again, I go back into the house and get my dog so he could go outside. I walk to the end of the driveway and back. They are still sitting there, in his car, playing a game.

I want to scream: GET OUT OF THE CAR! GET HER STUFF! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!

I feel like he is still mocking me. He is staying there – playing and laughing with my daughter – and I am invisible.

I don’t scream. I don’t cry – I’m choking back tears by now. I don’t say anything.

My daughter gets out of the car to get her belongings. She said she wants to go inside to change out of her uniform.

After several minutes, I go back into the house. I ask her about her day – any homework – things of that nature. She is crying. She said she wanted to stay with me but he asked her why don’t she just go with him tonight.

I hate seeing my daughter cry.

Again, I am fighting back the sting of tears.

I am trying to be supportive. I tell her it is okay. She has her phone. She can text or call me. She will see me Sunday.

We go back outside and ex is finally out of his car. He is playing with the neighbor’s dog. So, I just stay out there and visit with my daughter some more.

It took a long time last night before I convinced myself to go to bed – and I am feeling my decision of procrastinating bedtime, trust me! But I know myself. I go to bed and my mind starts racing. I start thinking about things. I stress. I get inside my mind. I get upset.

**UPDATE**

So, yesterday’s post I wrote about not knowing how to respond to guys while online dating. I have decided I am awkward when it comes to dating. I was with ex for 15 years. I had a couple of dates, then I fell for the serial cheater for seven months. I still am very new to dating as an adult. I have a darker sense of humor. I am obviously jaded. My personality is different. I am awkward.

Guy #4 from yesterday’s post did message me again. Didn’t comment about my response. Instead asked how my day was? Then WRUD? (Hate that. WRITE LIKE A GROWN ASS MAN). You want my attention, then take the few seconds to SPELL OUT THE WORDS…

Yeah, that’s why I’m single.

I hate the WRUD message. What am I going to say? The truth? I’m alone at my house… HELL NO! That is like a welcome sign for these creeps to come and find you. Tell them that I’m sitting around watching TV and painting? I don’t know him, it’s none of his business what I am actually doing. So, my response: Not much.

I don’t dare ask what they are doing — you get nasty messages like: I’m laying in bed. I’m about to take a shower. I’m thinking of you and touching myself.

Gag.

I don’t want to know. I don’t care. This guy has not caught my attention. He is the one that had the body hair and I decided I was too shallow to message because of it.

Two more guys messaged me.

The first one sent a message asking are you a morning person or a night person.

Night.

He apologized that that was a lame intro. I said it was refreshing to how I am usually greeted on that site.

He said yeah lots of disrespect.

**enter my dating awkwardness**

I’m thinking: yeah, this guy gets it. He understands what I’m talking about.

I said, yeah, I’ve been trying online dating long enough I’m used to it.

**In my mind, that means I am used to the disrespect. I am used to the dick pix. I am used to the cheating men**

He twists it around and says he is not the guy for me. He can not disrespect a woman.

I am completely confused.

He thought I was looking for someone to disrespect me.

I’m NOT looking for a man to treat me like shit. Why would anyone even think that?!?

**bye, dude**

Second guy sends me a message: Hey.

He has one picture – and it is not of himself. I ask “married?” He sees the message and choices not to respond. (That’s a “yes.”

**bye**

 

 

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

Kindness mistaken for Weakness

Ex had my daughter over the majority of the weekend. Saturday, she had a volunteer activity for a couple of hours, so I went to see her and take pictures. I visited with her. Decided to talk to ex. I talked to him about some of the things going on at girlfriend’s house. Yes, I know, I have no control over it, BUT if I can make him realize there are issues than maybe something will happen. For example, band-aids should not be stored on a high shelf above the stove. His response was that he didn’t even know where the band-aids were and if there was an emergency than our daughter could wake him and girlfriend up. I talked to him about me keeping her on Thursday nights, to make sure homework is done and she gets to bed at a decent hour. He shrugged and said whatever our daughter wants to do. I bit my tongue about the situation of our daughter almost being late to school because he has to sit around and put girlfriend’s kids on the bus while she sits in the house. Figure I’d just hold that for another day if the situation continues.

My daughter had a friend spend the weekend. Ex continued to sleep at girlfriend’s house even though there was a friend there. Apparently he did not tell the girl’s parents where they would be. Personally, I would have been angry not knowing that my daughter was at a stranger’s house and I not know about it. He also drove the girls to our hometown – a few hours away – to visit his parents. Again, really? This friend will probably never get to spend the night again with my daughter.

Anyway, I called ex on Saturday evening to ask what time he would bring our daughter home. He said the friend was staying that night also. I decided to be nice and try to let my daughter have some more fun. I gave up some of my time so she could let her friend stay longer and maybe do something fun. I told ex to have her home by 1p.m., if it looked like it would be later than to call or text me.

Sunday, 1p.m. comes and goes still no sign of my daughter. I call ex. There are out of town. Really? I ask him, didn’t I say just to call or text me if you were going to be later than 1p.m.? He said, I forgot because he is so tired. What?!? Bullshit. He’s a selfish ass. He mistakes my act of kindness for weakness. Shouldn’t do that.

I give him extra time to try to save what little of their relationship they might have. I give him extra time to try to be a good dad to his own child.

So, should I be selfish about my time? I want to do what is best for my daughter. However, each day that goes by I’m really starting to think what is best for her is to not to be around ex and girlfriend. My daughter even asked me yesterday if ex was breaking any laws by spending the night at girlfriend’s house with her there.

Sadly, no.

I had never met anyone who was divorced. I was completely clueless going into my divorce. I didn’t have anything put into our paperwork about no overnight guests of the opposite sex, or first right of refusal. I wish I could go back in time and apply what I know now.

My divorce was an example of during my kindness, I was weak. I was in love with him. I didn’t want a messy divorce. I wanted us back together. I wanted him to love me.

Communication

I am naturally a loner. Growing up I became such an introvert. When my grandmother passed away, I was seven-years-old, I stopped communicating my emotions, needs, and wants to the people around me. I turned to food for my emotional support.

Through elementary and middle school, I had a small group of friends but in class or in any situation I barely spoke above a whisper. People took advantage of my quietness. They pushed me to where I was battling against my only means of support – food – and I had developed eating disorders. I needed somewhere else to turn to, so I started self-injuring.

In high school, I started to stand up for myself. I was still content with being quiet. I couldn’t share much with people – I was depressed; starving myself; injuring myself; smoking; attracted to males and females; and having suicidal thoughts. Again, people didn’t know how to take my quietness. My first fiance thought I was always mad at him because silence didn’t bother me. I had to tell him, I’m okay with just the thoughts in my head.

Throughout college I started to become more expressive towards people. Now, I am more friendly and outgoing. But I still find it difficult at times.

So, online dating is a major challenge. I finally got a match that responded. We traded a few messages. Complete opposites – he drinks, goes to bars; redneck/country type; no kids; and loves country music. Obviously, the conversation was forced and quickly died.

Yesterday, I decided to call my parents – I haven’t spoken to them in awhile. I hadn’t heard how my grandfather is doing – he has stage 4 cancer. So, I called. The conversation was short lived. They were in the middle of something. Apparently my grandfather is on oxygen now, and he had a blood transfusion. I got invited to my nephew’s party this weekend – can’t because I have to work – I told her I couldn’t and that I didn’t know anything about it. She said she was told my brother had already invited me. My mother told me that apparently my brother told her that we talk all of the time. Uhhh… no. He occasionally stalks me on social media. I didn’t receive any invitation. So, she said “well that’s not the story I was told.” I told her to believe which ever story she wants.

It does make me sad. I attempt to communicate. I attempt to socialize and I get turned down or dismissed. I guess with the online dating, they just are not the right guy for me. I figure conversations will feel natural with the right guy. Communicating with my family, guess it is what it is.

I do communicate to the most important people in my life – especially my daughter. I am able to communicate to my ex. Wish he could do the same, but it is a hit and miss situation with him.

Thank you… and Kindness Rocks

Thank You

First off, I want to thank each of you for reading my blog. I was surprised to see 50 people follow me now. I really want to thank those who comment on my posts, too (Think I am caught up on reading and responding to comments).

When I started this blog I really did not expect anyone to show any interest in my journey. I thought of it more as my online journal – something for me to read and reflect on for better self healing and self growth. I made up a name, and found some clip art so I could freely talk about my life. I could talk about and reflect over some risque and really tough issues – depression, anxiety, sex, divorce, self-injury, eating disorders, online dating, co-parenting, suicide. These are thoughts, feelings, and experiences that most people in my life do not even know about.

My parents and my closest friends, for example, do not know I self-injured starting when I was 9. They do not know I was raped at 16. They do not know I pulled a knife on a family friend when I was 17 because this grown man tried to force himself on me. They do not know about my failed suicide attempts. They do not know about the depression that my divorce caused.

My ex-husband knows a lot about me, all of the previously mentioned. He was my best friend. There was one thing I could never tell him… the day of our wedding, I almost left him at the alter. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was making a mistake. I would have ran, but my dad was standing right there waiting to walk me down the aisle. I stayed. I got married. After the ceremony, I found a room where no one was and I fell to the floor and cried so hard that I could not speak. My photographer and groom found me. The photographer told him many brides get emotional. I didn’t say anything.

So, I use this blog as a safe outlet. I can write and cry, if needed. I can relive situations and reflect. So, again, thank you for reading and commenting. It is wonderful support.

Kindness Rocks

I’ve mentioned kindness rocks in my previous posts. For those who are not familiar with the idea: Kindness rocks are where you decorate a rock (I’ve seen painted, temporary tattoos, vinyl, even stickers). You place the rock in a location for a random stranger to find. It is supposed to bring a smile and some happiness to someone. After they find the rock they can either hide that rock for someone else to find, or they can keep it and decorate another rock to hide. The idea is to always have rocks out there for someone to find.

I got into kindness rocks a year ago. It gave my daughter and I something to do, and it is fairly cheap (Just have to find rocks, and buy what ever decorations you want to use. Then the cost of gas to drive around).

My daughter has always loved rocks. In preschool, she would find a pretty rock on the playground and put it in her pocket to bring home. Some days I would forget to check her pockets then I would find rocks in my washer and/or dryer. A few years ago, I took her to a location where we dug for crystals. We found some big, gorgeous crystals. Then these painted rocks were just more to add to her collection.

Most of the time when I paint, I have to paint two. One is for her to keep and one is for her to hide. I used to not do it like that, but she was so broken-hearted having to give up rocks that she really liked that I had painted. She knew it made someone else happy, but she still wanted that same feeling. I understand. So, I paint for her and for us to hide. Yesterday, I painted two for her. 1. Ghostface from the move Scream. 2. A cheerleading themed rock. She loved them!! I didn’t paint any additional ones – we currently have about 20 that need to be hidden. It’s rained for about a week, plus we had a tornado (we are safe. no damage). So, we will hide them sometime in the future.

I found a group online that does Kindness Rocks Pals – kind of like a pen pal, but instead of sending letters you send a kindness rock. I think this will be a wonderful thing for us. There is a place to ask for rocks as a gift (anniversary, birthday, graduation, support during a difficult time). I put in two requests. 1. For my dad – or family in general – his father is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. My dad lost his mother to cancer about 27 years ago. Now, his father is slowly losing his battle to cancer. 2. For my daughter’s 13th birthday. **If  any rocks come to us as gifts, I will post pictures or reactions**

Where I live there is a group that does the kindness rocks. However, there is some negativity amongst this group. Often certain people will hide rocks – and I mean “HIDE” rocks in locations that no one will ever be able to find. Then they get angry and post their anger when the rocks are “found” and no one ever posts about finding the rocks.

Yes, I like the idea of making some rocks harder to find. It is fun to have this game of hide and seek with rocks. Almost a challenging game of I Spy. You have a picture – limited detail in the picture usually – of a location and you have to use your memory, observation skills, and pure dumb luck to find these rocks. But it’s fun. My daughter will take my phone and screen shot some of these pictures. It might be weeks later and we’ll drive by and be like that’s where that one rock was hidden! Sometimes it is still there, sometimes it’s not.

However, the posts about people not posting that they found the rock is uncalled for. Yes, there have been many rocks that my daughter and I have painted (I try to take a picture of EVERY rock we paint before we hide it) and we never see anything about it again. I would like to know the rocks found a good home, brought a smile to someone, shared some kindness. I would like to know if they loved the rock so much that they had to keep it, or if they decided to hide it for someone else. But, that’s not what is important. I did something fun and creative, and nice with my daughter. She is about to be a teenager. I want every opportunity I get to do something fun with her, and to teach her to think about others.

**If anyone does kindness rocks, feel free to post any tips/tricks you use for your rocks**

One step forward, Two steps back

One step forward, and two steps back… That’s how I feel my healing progress is going.

Tuesday I felt so successful – I’d talked to ex about girlfriend not having a picture of my daughter (you can go and read my post titled “Success.”), and explained to ex that it hurt my daughter’s feelings that girlfriend did not have a picture. I even offered to buy a frame and a picture to give to girlfriend.

Then yesterday, all my success came crashing down around me. I found myself worrying what the hell did I do wrong? Why does ex get rewarded and I get punished?

I was loyal during our marriage. He cheated. Now, I’m single with no prospects of even getting a date, much less having a relationship. He has been with girlfriend off and on for three years. Granted, I don’t want their relationship (I was with ex for fifteen years, so I do know how he is), but at least he has someone to spend time with, have sex with, and to be with.

Girlfriend’s birthday was Tuesday. He told my daughter he felt horrible and that he was a “bad boyfriend” because he did not send girlfriend flowers to work. WHAT?!? In the fifteen years I was with him, I NEVER received flowers at work. Hell, I really don’t remember too many gifts for my birthday (which money spent was not important. I didn’t want gifts. I wanted his time. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to put his damn phone down – from texting other women – and be with me). Plus, he took my daughter to the store and made her help him pick girlfriend out some gifts – apparently spent well over $100 (again, my daughter complained because ex doesn’t spend that much on my daughter for her birthday). My daughter complained to me that she had to find the correct perfume because ex doesn’t know what girlfriend likes.

I heard all of this from my daughter. So, honestly there was some hurt (Okay, a lot of hurt — is girlfriend that much better than I am? If so, then what the hell is wrong with me? I get I have dealt with abuse and have depression as a result of the abuse. So, does that mean no one is able to love and care for someone with a past consisting of abuse? Does that mean if you have anxiety and depression then you are not worth the love and affection of others?). He feels guilty for being a bad boyfriend, but no remorse for being a bad husband or father? Seriously??

It continued to get worse. I found out that ex and my mom have been calling and texting each other. Really? My mom hated ex during our entire relationship, and now they’re friends. What the hell did I miss? Once again, why am I being punished? Ex was abusive in our relationship. We did not go visit families, he refused. Now, he is all about his family, and girlfriend’s family. Now, he is all about my family, too? My family doesn’t even call or attempt to visit me. I have to make the effort. Then it ends up being a horrible situation.

No, the failure continues.

Ex pays half of the state minimum child support that was based on his income five years ago. I agreed to it because I thought he would help out when our daughter needed something extra. Ex is full time military now. He makes good money. I have not taken him back to court to change child support. I should, I know. But I am not after his money (despite what people say and think). But it hurts that I struggle every month and he has money to burn. He complains that he has to buy our daughter stuff – school supplies, clothes. He complains to our daughter even! However, he gladly spends money on girlfriend and her three kids.

Next bit of jealously… Ex bought a third – yes a THIRD – vehicle. Seriously? I have a piece of shit car that I can’t rely on. It is definitely my money pit. Why am I being punished? Why is the universe mocking me? What life lesson do I need to learn to get over all of this hurdles?

My night ended with ex picking up my daughter from my house… in his new vehicle… with his girlfriend. Really? I am not allowed to know where she lives, but he constantly brings her to my house. I really just want to know where she lives because ex sleeps there with my daughter all of the time. What if something happens and I have to get my daughter? I don’t have a clue where to go.

After a day like that, I have to ask myself why am I being punished? When will the universe give me a break?

Then the thought of maybe I should have not failed my suicide attempt years ago. I try to be positive and I know my daughter needs me. But this divorced, single mom life sucks and is difficult.

I knew it would be hard. I had no idea that five years later it would still be this much of a struggle.

Success

Even though I am the one that filed for divorce, the divorce was not my choice. I knew in the back of my mind that was the direction my marriage was heading. I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to continue to try. Even after I filed, I stayed with my ex.

He was cheating on current girlfriend with me; I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with her (I’d seen a social media post from her to him that makes me think this. However, my daughter has said that they both told her that they hated each other a few years ago). I was angry at ex and at girlfriend. I wanted to give her a chance, but they both refused to let me meet the woman that took my ex and was now in the life of my daughter. I lost respect and hope for girlfriend when the first time I tried to meet her, she couldn’t get her ass out of what was “our” bed (we were still seeing each other even). Then the last little bit of respect was lost for her when I ran into them at the fair, I went up and said “hi.” She walked away. Instead, she and ex sat on a bench and made out.

They have been together off and on for three years. I will admit it has not been pretty. I remember one time, my car broke down in ex’s drive way when I was dropping off my daughter. It was during the summer, and that day just so happened to be in the triple digits. Of course, ex and I tried replacing the battery. We did a couple of different things – the most common and easiest to fix issues, hoping that it was a quick and easy fix so I could leave. The car still would not start. After almost two hours, we were burning up and drenched in sweat. Girlfriend pulls into his drive. They hugged, kissed, and exchanged “I love you”. I wanted to puke. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Honestly, I wanted to leave. I wanted her to leave. I wanted my car to be fixed. She started to get back into her car to leave, and ex called her back over to come and look at my car. No! I didn’t want her there. I wanted my car fixed so I could get away from the both of them. She comes over and sticks her head under the hood, “did you check the battery?” I’m thinking OF COURSE WE DID THAT. IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS. WHY WOULDN’T WE CHECK THE BATTERY?!? He explained to her everything we’ve tried. She’s like “I don’t know what it could be.” By this time I lost it. “It’s none of her damn business!” I screamed at ex. Of course girlfriend took that as her cue to leave. (It ended up being the starter. So, it took a while before I got to leave.) But ex and I got into it that he can show girlfriend anything he damn well pleases.

Yes, I know that story I was out of line. I was hurt. I was immature. I hated that ex had someone and was rubbing it in my face. I was still head over heels in love with that man. It was horrible! It was like reopening a wound and pouring salt into it and then punching me in the gut. Have some respect. Ex hurt me. Why continue to hurt me?

The point of the story is to show how far I have came. I have healed. My daughter made a comment about ex’s girlfriend not having a picture of her in her office. I offered to buy a frame and a picture for my daughter to give to girlfriend. My daughter said no – I think it was really because my daughter did not want to hurt my feelings.

So, last night I spoke to ex about it. I asked him if girlfriend liked my daughter. He said “yeah.” – I was hoping for “yes, she loves her.” “Yes, she enjoys having her around.” Something more reassuring than “yeah.” I explained the comment my daughter had made. Ex told me the excuse that they don’t print pictures. First off, ex buys pictures of my daughter from sports and school – so he has pictures, but he doesn’t give them to girlfriend. Secondly, ex has pictures of her kids hanging up in his house.  He said he didn’t realize how my daughter felt. Don’t know if me bringing it up will make any difference, but at least I made an effort for my daughter.

I am proud of myself. I can see how far I have came. I can see I have healed.

 

Acceptance

One tough lesson of divorce is acceptance. Acceptance of your marriage being over. Acceptance of not being with your ex for the rest of your life. Acceptance of having to date as an adult. Acceptance of a new life you never actually planned for. Acceptance of new people being around your children.

There is also the fact that my daughter wants to be accepted. She continues to try to stay involved when with her dad, his girlfriend, and her kids.

I knew she wanted her dad to accept her. Until yesterday, I didn’t realize how much she wanted acceptance from girlfriend, too.

Saturday, ex took all of them out of state – girlfriend actually went too. I got blamed for the fact that they could not spend the night up there, which I’m used to getting blamed for a lot since I’m “the crazy ex-wife.” Funny thing is, I actually thought they were going to spend the night up there. I was trying to accept the fact that my daughter would be sharing a hotel room with ex and girlfriend in the same bed.

Yesterday, my daughter was showing me pictures and telling me about her trip. She had fun, but then would mention ex was not around. He would disappear to be with girlfriend.

Then out of the blue, my daughter says  girlfriend doesn’t have a picture of my daughter in her office. She said, girlfriend has pictures of her kids and of ex, but not my daughter.

I understand my daughter is not girlfriend’s daughter. But I try to think about my daughter’s point of view. I completely understand the hurt. Ex and girlfriend have been on again and off again for three years. Ex has pictures of her kids hanging up in his house, and on his phone.

I don’t think I should address the situation with ex. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want it to seem like I am tossing my daughter to the side and saying another woman can step into my place. But, I want my daughter to be happy and to be cared for.

I know if I was with someone for three years, you better believe his kids would be my kids. I would have pictures of them. I would brag about them. I would love them.

So, does girlfriend not like my daughter? Is she afraid of what would happen if she accepts my daughter?