Last night I’m really not sure what happened. I guess I got inside my head too much. It was a rough night, which led to crying a couple of times including crying myself to sleep.
My daughter had a game last night. I did not know ex was going to the game. He never communicates with me. IF he wants to tell me or ask me something, he will relay the message through my daughter. Well, he’d messaged her that he was going to the game, but she didn’t have her phone with her.
He gets to the game. Of course he sits no where close to me. I’m used to it. I don’t think that part bothered me. I mean, I don’t want to be his friend. I want to co-parent. But I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want him to ask about my life – which right now feels like I am drowning. I really don’t want to hear about his life – which I hear about it from my daughter because that is part of her life.
Besides, I know what happens when he is around, he stays glued to his phone – messaging girlfriend, gaming, social media, or looking at girlfriend’s kids’ social media.
Anyway, about halfway through the game, I get a text. It is from ex. He is asking me if my daughter is going home with him or me after the game. I respond that I don’t know. I knew the day before she wanted to stay the night with me, but I didn’t know he was going to be at the game (the week before it was after 8:30pm before he showed up to pick her up). He says that it is her choice. I didn’t respond. (Don’t know if it was childish of me or if it was the mature thing to do by not responding. I could see that leading to a fight or something.) I just think to myself, of course it is HER choice. Plus, if he is already at the game then I assumed she would just go with him – makes sense, right?
So, why is he messaging me this? Why not wait until after the game – when we are face to face – if he REALLY needs to ask? Or, better yet, why not have asked me EARLIER – earlier in the day? earlier in the week? just earlier?
Do you know why? Because it is ex’s game. It is his way of still making me feel like shit. It is the slow, emotional abuse that I have dealt with for almost two decades from him.
**I will say, my daughter did a wonderful job cheering at the game last night! I really hope she makes the squad next year. I do enjoy watching her cheer.**
After the game, I followed my daughter back into the school to help her carry her ten bags.
Ex follows me.
He asks where were we going. I explained to him I was going to help her carry all of her stuff.
Well, one of her friends wanted her to walk to the other side of the building to the friend’s locker – because the girl did not want to walk alone. The building was already dark. I said that was fine.
So, ex and I are standing in the hallway, alone, waiting.
He asks “so how’s your week been?”
Again – I don’t want to be friends. I tried that before. I tried being his friend when we were no longer a couple. It about killed me. He judged me for sleeping with someone else (after only knowing them for less than two weeks). He has told my daughter that exes do not have to talk, or care about each other.
I just quickly respond “fine.”
Once my daughter gets back we head out into the parking lot. At this point I still do not know what the plan is.
My daughter hates to make decisions – she doesn’t want to make anyone mad.
So, when I asked what are we doing, ex looks at my daughter and says why don’t you just come with me. She said she still needed to stop at home – my house – to pick up something for school tomorrow. He said okay.
I don’t know why, but it really did sting.
It was like he was gloating about the fact that my daughter CHOSE to go with him over going with me. And he was still going to bring her to my house for a few minutes, but she couldn’t ride with me.
Like I said, I don’t know why but it brought on the tears. (I’m used to pick ups/drop offs. This is nothing new. I knew she was going to go with me. Maybe I secretly hoped she could still come home with me…)
I took the longest route home. I cried the entire drive home.
I got to my house – ex, of course, was already there. I knew he would beat me there. I’d hoped that he would have stopped at his house, or stopped to get gas. Something. So I would not have to see him right away again.
I get out of my car. He is still sitting in his car with the windows down. He is playing a game on his phone with my daughter. Neither acknowledge me. I go into the house and get my daughter’s stuff. I bring it outside. They are still glued to the phone. Again, I go back into the house and get my dog so he could go outside. I walk to the end of the driveway and back. They are still sitting there, in his car, playing a game.
I want to scream: GET OUT OF THE CAR! GET HER STUFF! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!
I feel like he is still mocking me. He is staying there – playing and laughing with my daughter – and I am invisible.
I don’t scream. I don’t cry – I’m choking back tears by now. I don’t say anything.
My daughter gets out of the car to get her belongings. She said she wants to go inside to change out of her uniform.
After several minutes, I go back into the house. I ask her about her day – any homework – things of that nature. She is crying. She said she wanted to stay with me but he asked her why don’t she just go with him tonight.
I hate seeing my daughter cry.
Again, I am fighting back the sting of tears.
I am trying to be supportive. I tell her it is okay. She has her phone. She can text or call me. She will see me Sunday.
We go back outside and ex is finally out of his car. He is playing with the neighbor’s dog. So, I just stay out there and visit with my daughter some more.
It took a long time last night before I convinced myself to go to bed – and I am feeling my decision of procrastinating bedtime, trust me! But I know myself. I go to bed and my mind starts racing. I start thinking about things. I stress. I get inside my mind. I get upset.
So, yesterday’s post I wrote about not knowing how to respond to guys while online dating. I have decided I am awkward when it comes to dating. I was with ex for 15 years. I had a couple of dates, then I fell for the serial cheater for seven months. I still am very new to dating as an adult. I have a darker sense of humor. I am obviously jaded. My personality is different. I am awkward.
Guy #4 from yesterday’s post did message me again. Didn’t comment about my response. Instead asked how my day was? Then WRUD? (Hate that. WRITE LIKE A GROWN ASS MAN). You want my attention, then take the few seconds to SPELL OUT THE WORDS…
Yeah, that’s why I’m single.
I hate the WRUD message. What am I going to say? The truth? I’m alone at my house… HELL NO! That is like a welcome sign for these creeps to come and find you. Tell them that I’m sitting around watching TV and painting? I don’t know him, it’s none of his business what I am actually doing. So, my response: Not much.
I don’t dare ask what they are doing — you get nasty messages like: I’m laying in bed. I’m about to take a shower. I’m thinking of you and touching myself.
I don’t want to know. I don’t care. This guy has not caught my attention. He is the one that had the body hair and I decided I was too shallow to message because of it.
Two more guys messaged me.
The first one sent a message asking are you a morning person or a night person.
He apologized that that was a lame intro. I said it was refreshing to how I am usually greeted on that site.
He said yeah lots of disrespect.
**enter my dating awkwardness**
I’m thinking: yeah, this guy gets it. He understands what I’m talking about.
I said, yeah, I’ve been trying online dating long enough I’m used to it.
**In my mind, that means I am used to the disrespect. I am used to the dick pix. I am used to the cheating men**
He twists it around and says he is not the guy for me. He can not disrespect a woman.
I am completely confused.
He thought I was looking for someone to disrespect me.
I’m NOT looking for a man to treat me like shit. Why would anyone even think that?!?
Second guy sends me a message: Hey.
He has one picture – and it is not of himself. I ask “married?” He sees the message and choices not to respond. (That’s a “yes.”