Loneliness

The other day my mom called me. She was watching the news and there was a car accident where I lived. So, she was calling to make sure it wasn’t me in the accident.

During our conversation, I could tell when her mood changed. It went from talking about good and pleasant things to depression and loneliness.

She asked me “how do you deal with the loneliness?”

Keep in mind that my mom married my dad when she was 16. She’d been with him for 35 years. This “loneliness” is a brand new life for her.

I remember dealing with the loneliness when I first stopped seeing my ex-husband. Days that he had our daughter, I spent hours staring at a wall. Sitting in the dark. Crying. Not functioning. Completely lost.

Everyone expected me to be fine. I was the one that filed for divorce. I should have been fine with the outcome. The loneliness.

I knew my mom wanted an answer. I did my best. I responded “You learn to live with the new normal.” Dad is never coming back. As hard as it is to think about, it is true. We can not go back into time and prevent his death.

That was the best I could describe it. I understand she is lonely. I understand she lost her soul mate. I never imaged that I would be the one having to comfort and give my mom knowledge about hard life lessons.

Now, I’m not going to lie… the loneliness is hard. But the truth is you adapt. You seriously do learn how to live in the new normal. You find things to keep your self busy. You find people to talk to. You enjoy your time with yourself.

The truth is, I’m not lonely anymore. I enjoy my me time. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m not trying very hard to find one. I don’t mind being alone.

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Pushy Guys

I don’t care if you’ve been trying online dating for one hour or one year, you are going to come across some pushy guys (and girls). I’ve had my online dating accounts for almost four years now – WOW. That’s insane to say that number out loud – and I still deal with pushy guys.

Okay. First off, know what you want. If you want casual sex, friends with benefit, a relationship – whatever – know what you want and don’t be pressured into anything other than that.

Second, protect yourself. Common sense don’t provide personal information online. Make sure you meet in public. Make sure someone knows where you are when you are meeting someone.

Third, don’t take it personally. You have to have thick skin to handle online dating. Seriously.

So, I received a message from this one guy. He had several pictures of himself, but I still had a feeling about him. We exchanged a couple of messages – I was watching for red flags of a scammer. His grammar was deceit (he used “cuz” and that drove me insane! We are not junior high students anymore.) Then the red flag – he asked for my phone number.

Now, some might think that if we were exchanging messages then exchanging phone numbers would be a good idea to continue to the conversation. NO! I haven’t handed out my number in years. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

My favorite app to use is kik. You don’t have to use your phone number or email address (Skype connected to my email information. Viber connected to my actual phone number. Google Hangouts connected to my google account.) kik is free to download. You create an ID and password. You can call, text, video chat, and exchange photos with kik. It is easy to block people. It is fairly user friendly.

Anyway, this guy asked for my phone number. I declined. He continued by saying he’s not on that site very often so texting would be easier. That’s the trap. You think you are missing this opportunity to continue to talk to someone – maybe “the one” – if you do not give them your phone number. Nah. You’re not missing out on anything. They are still going to be on that site. Once you give them your phone number they are able to access your real name and physical address. Also, if your Facebook is connected to your phone number then they can find you there.

I offered my kik. He ignored and still asked for my phone number. Bye boy.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Expected Rainbows and Song Birds

Six years ago I filed for divorce. I have went back and forth wandering if I made a big mistake by filing. Wondering what is wrong with me. Wondering why ex wasn’t content being with me. After our divorce was finalized five years ago, I stayed with ex. I still believed I had made a big mistake. We didn’t live together anymore. So, if we did fight then we could be away from each other. I was dating my ex again. Our relationship was the best it’d been in years.

Four years ago, I was blindsided. I went over to ex’s house and there was another woman sitting on the couch next to him. Her kids were sitting in the floor playing with my daughter. I honestly did not know what to do or say. I left. I went to the store and tried to focus on what I needed from the store. Ex called me and asked if I was okay. I asked him if he was seeing that woman. He told me yes. How could I have missed the signs?

Worse part is, I continued to see him. My ex is like a drug. I know he is bad for me, but I was addicted. I had to go back. I could not live without him. I did not know how to live without him. I continued to sleep with him. I knew he had a girlfriend. Apparently, she would not have sex with him so that was what I was for.

In my head, I excused his behavior. We had been together since high school. Maybe if I let him see what else was out there then he would realize that he still loved me. I lower my self worth. I made myself more “available” for him. I did oral for ex all of the time – even though I hated doing oral on him.

I was happy to see that chick out of the picture. But I was more aware of signs after her. I noticed ex’s behavior for a few weeks and asked him if he was seeing someone else. He lied to my face and said no.

Now, here’s the thing about my ex, he has a specific facial expression that he makes when he lies. I have seen that expression millions of times. He thinks he is fooling me – even now he still lies to me.

He told me she was just a friend that needed help fixing her dishwasher. I should have seen everything wrong with that lie. You don’t want ex fixing anything. He gets angry and throws things and then usually breaks things even more. I continued to stay with ex. I needed him. I loved him. I needed him to love me.

I actually did not know about girlfriend until three-years-old. That means they were together for an entire year while he was still with me.

One day, my daughter started crying. I asked what was wrong. She said “dad told me not to tell you.” What?!? I find out that ex had taken my daughter to this woman’s house for sex and then told my daughter not to tell me. He lied to me. He was teaching my daughter to lie to me. I was pissed off beyond words.

When I confronted ex about, now current girlfriend, and if they were sleeping together he got the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. I do remember sleeping with him again after that, why I do not know. I needed that drug. I seriously thought I did not deserve better. I felt like I was doing the right thing for my family. I cried and hated myself every single time we had sex. I felt cheap and dirty.

I wanted to know about this woman. She had stolen my man. She was around my daughter. I wanted to know her.

Ex would not tell me much about her.

Even after I completely broke things off with ex, he would not tell me about this woman. He would not allow me to meet her. He was sneaking her over at night and then pushing her out of the house before our daughter would wake up. My daughter caught them and ex told her she was making things up.

I wanted – still want – a good co-parenting support for my daughter. I wanted ex and girlfriend and I to be civil and be able to hang out with each other for my daughter’s sake.

Honestly, I really did want to be friends. Even though I hated ex and did not trust him. I was more angry at him than at girlfriend. I mean, he was with me and telling me he loved me yet still shopping around – just like during our marriage.

I don’t know who to really be mad at in this situation. I mean, I was angry at myself for being so stupid and continuing to sleep with him and let him treat me like a crazy person. I was angry at him for not having the balls to talk to me like an adult. I was angry at him for using me. I was angry at him for not being faithful. I was angry at girlfriend for messing with another woman’s man. I was angry at both of them for trying to replace me in my daughter’s life. I was angry at both of them for not wanting to set up a successful co-parenting/support system.

I don’t know who is to blame, really. I blamed myself for a long time. Some days, I still blame myself. I blame ex. I know you cannot steal a man that does not want to be taken. I know he was always looking for someone else. I blamed girlfriend for messing around with someone else’s man. I know it was like a game for both of them. For me, it wasn’t.

I tried meeting girlfriend – the first time she would not get out of OUR bed and meet me. The next time she made out with ex in front of me. I mean, I don’t know if it was like to prove to me that she won and I lost. It was gross. I wanted to tell her that he cheated on her with me. Actually, I still want to tell her.

Back then, I really did feel like she won and I lost. Now, I look at the “prize” and think what a shitty thing to win in a horrible mind game. She can have him. I am done with that drug.

Just like with anything addictive, I think about what-if. I used to smoke cigarettes. That was a very hard habit to break. Now, the smoke makes me sick to my stomach. I used to self-injury. I do think about falling back into old habits, but I have to remember that I am a role model for my daughter. Same thing with ex. I think a part of me – deep, deep down – does still love him. I’m not sure if I actually love “him” or do I love the idea of being in a relationship and having a man in my life.

It has been one challenge after another. I have hit rock bottom during some of those challenges. I stayed angry at both of them and myself for so long. I have remained bitter. I still think ex plays mind games with me. I still think he gets off on making my life hell.

I know his opinion of girlfriend and her kids. I know he has told me she is easy and has been around. I know they have broken up multiple times and he still goes back – maybe she is his drug. I know he has told our daughter he is only with girlfriend because her kids need a dad.

Those kids have dads. They see their dads. He needs to be a dad to his own daughter.

Ex has brought girlfriend and her kids to my house. They do not get out of the car. But he would never tell me where she lived. I thought it was important that I know because my daughter was over there so much.

Before I met girlfriend I imagined what she was like. I pictured a cute blonde and very thin. Not knowing where she lived or what the house looked like, I pictured his cute, picture perfect house with a white picket fence.

Things are not how I pictured. Ex always gave me hell about my weight. Ironically, since girlfriend has been with ex she has gained a ton of weight. I have heard her speak before. Her conversation bored the living hell out of me. Honestly, all I heard was “blah blah blah.” I wonder if girlfriend and I tried conversing again if I would be less bitter this time – that last time was three years ago.

I would see ex hold her hand and kiss her. I would feel so jealous. I would hate them both. I would hear about everything they did together and with the kids. Again, I would feel angry because ex never did that with my daughter or me.

I know every relationship has a honeymoon phase.

I know things are never as they appear. I know it is easy to make the relationship look happy and both parties to hide the truth.

Ex moved in with girlfriend. I told him he had to tell me where she lived. Our paperwork states I have to have current phone number and address for ex at all times.

I finally got girlfriend’s address.

Ex is currently on orders across the country. My daughter’s belongings are at girlfriend’s house. Last night, she needed something that could not wait. I told her to call her dad to make sure girlfriend was home – since my daughter does not have a key to the house – and I would drive her over there to get her things.

My daughter led me to girlfriend’s house. I pulled up to this house. I expected this gorgeous home, white picket fence, birds singing, and a rainbow above it. Instead, I wasn’t impressed. The house was nothing special. The yard was neglected. The cars – most of them were ex’s – but the one’s that were girlfriend’s were dented. There was no white picket fence. No gorgeous rainbow plastered in the sky above the house. Honestly, if I did not know who lived there and just judging by the house and surroundings I would guess an old woman. If I was taking my daughter trick-or-treating, it would be a house that I would probably just pass by – that would be the house that would give out the popcorn ball or that gross candy in the black or orange wrapper.

I wander what happened with ex and girlfriend when he called to tell her that I was bringing my daughter over.

I did not get out of the car – there was no point. I went there to let my daughter get some things, and that’s what I did.

Hopefully another step in the right direction. Proof that I am still continuing to heal.

***

Oh, update on the 24 year-old with online dating… Yeah, he did not make the cut. I had to block him. He last longer than most. Good conversation. But he was way too needy, and clingy. Maybe that’s why he was looking for an older woman, to mother him. Ha, sorry, I’m the wrong chick for that. But, maybe looking for a younger guy would not be completely insane. I mean, age is just a number, right?

I Still Think About Him

This time last year, I reactivated my online dating accounts, again.

I was done taking a second break from online dating.

I had taken a year-long break to continue healing. It was time to try online dating again.

I had forgiven myself for sleeping with – well, let’s be honest – a stranger. I thought of it as a life lesson, and really it was what I needed to stop loving ex. What’s the saying? “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

So, after a year away from online dating drama, I decided to try again.

I really did not expect too much when I reactivated my online dating accounts. But, a year ago, I got a message from a guy that was going to give me another major life lesson.

I know what red flags I ignored with this guy – trust me, I have replayed every conversation we’d ever had over and over in my head. But at the time, I over looked all of the red flags, because I really thought I was being way too jaded. Yes, I had been hurt by the guy that slept with me, asked me to be his girlfriend, and then ghosted. Why take out that anger and paranoia on the next guy?

A year ago, I received a message from “Rick.” He did not send the typical message “hey babe” or “hi sexy.” He sent a message: “Hi. How are you?”

Wow. Great grammar! It definitely caught my eye.

I over looked the fact that his profile name was a single letter, “R,” and that he only had one profile picture. He did tell me his first name, and he sent me additional pictures of himself on request.

The first weekend that we started talking was a drill weekend. He was military. He was real military – he talked just like ex. A lot of his mannerisms were so much like ex – think that was another reason I overlooked so many red flags. I might have still been in love with ex, and this guy reminded me of ex.

At first, we just chatted casually. I was looking for just someone to chat with – not to date; not to have a relationship with; just someone to chat with. I let my guard down and started opening up to this guy – again, since he reminded me so much of ex it felt right, familiar, and comfortable.

He quickly wanted to video chat. It was refreshing to have a guy that wanted to video chat and talk on the phone – not hide behind text messages. He lived in another state, but his kids and military base were in the same state as I.

We arranged to meet in person after chatting for three months. He drove 3.5 hours to come see me. I thought this is amazing! A guy willing to drive 3.5 hours – one way – to come hang out with me has to be pretty special, right?!? I mean, why would a guy waste that much time if he was just wanting sex?

The first time we met up, we only got to spend about thirty minutes together. We ended up making out – not my proudest moment, I know. But I felt comfortable with this guy. We’d been chatting – video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone – for three months. Two weeks later, we arranged to meet up again. I wanted to have sex – I hadn’t had sex in 18 months. I am the one that asked – my heart about pounded out of my chest. I was so scared, nervous, and worried that I would be turned down. He, of course, did not reject me.

We met at a hotel – I did not want anyone at my house. The sex was AMAZING! However, I ended up having a horrible anxiety attack. He did not run for the hills. He stayed. He called and made sure I made it home safely.

I felt like this guy had potential.

I still ignored the red flags, because I had convinced myself that he is making an effort. In one month, we’d met up six times. That is a lot of traveling – most of those times we didn’t even have sex. We would just hang out and talk. He was the type of guy that would hold a door open for you and then would slap your ass as you walked through the door.

I fell in love with him. I told him I loved him. I wasted seven months on him. Still ignoring the red flags.

What red flags did I ignore?

• profile had one picture (which it was a full body picture, and he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. I later found out it was a much older picture of him, too.)
• username was a single letter
• he refused to add each other on Facebook
• he would disappear for several days at a time and then reappear as if nothing had happened
• he continued to tell me that he did not have a girlfriend
• he never called me by my name
• he refused to have a relationship, or even give us any type of title – dating, bf/gf, fwb.
• he continued to repeat that he had never cheated on anyone
• he talked about other women (even after we’d just had sex, he would talk about other women!)
• He would not tell me his last name for a very long time (it was about four months of us chatting before he told me his name, which I’d already knew his last name – I’d already found him on social media. I just wanted verification from him.)

Why did I ignore all of these red flags, plus more?

• I thought he had potential.
• I was tired of online dating drama, so I was settling.
• He reminded me of ex – the man I thought was my soulmate.
• It was nice to have someone to chat with again.
• THE SEX WAS AMAZING, and he made me feel good about my performance in bed.
• He made me smile.

In May of this year, he was at AT for two weeks. We’d planned on meeting after the two weeks were up. I was going to introduce him to my daughter.

We’d planned on meeting on Sunday. On Friday, I had a feeling that something was not right. I could not ignore the feeling. This feeling was too strong. In two days, this man was going to meet the most important person in my life and I had a weird feeling about him.

I’d searched for him on social media before – his profile was extremely private. He did not have a picture of himself on his profile. He had a common name – there were SEVERAL guys with the same name. I found him after a few months of us chatting – so I knew his full name (even middle name). I did not disclose this information with him though.

This day, though, I continued to search. He had slipped up and posted something publicly. I could see it without being on his friends list. I looked at the comments and there it was – a red flag that I could not ignore:

A woman made the comment in response to a meme he’d posted. She said “lol. that’s my man! love you, babe!”

I clicked on her profile. Her profile picture was a picture of her with RICK.

It was an older picture. He had changed his hair style and facial hair. He had gained weight. But it was HIM.

I screenshot the picture. I texted him and asked him to call me when he got a chance.

A part of me still wishes I’d waited for his call. I wish I could have heard his voice and his reaction. But, I could not wait. I had to ask right then. I sent another text:

****

me: fuck it. I’m going to just ask right now. Are you seeing anyone else?

him: no, why?

me: you are dating or having a relationship with any other females?

him: no, why?

me: hmm… funny, because I found a picture of you with a woman.

him: I haven’t taken any pictures with any women. Are you even sure it is me?

me: it sure as hell looks like you.

him: it must be a very old picture, if it is even me.

****

Okay. I was getting nowhere with him. I messaged the woman.

****

me: hi. you don’t know me, but I have a very strange question: is that your boyfriend in your profile picture?

her: who are you? why do you want to know?

me: is his name Rick?

her: how long have you been sleeping together?

****

Our conversation continued for several minutes. I told her how long I’d been seeing him. She told me they had been together for three years. They were engaged. I was not the first chick he had cheated on her with. I apologized to her; I did not know he was with anyone. She said no hard feelings towards me.

I sent her screenshots of my conversation with him to prove it was Rick I was chatting with – I had his picture and his phone number. I showed her screenshots of him telling me he did not have a girlfriend and he was not seeing anyone else.

Then, I sent him screenshots of conversation between her and I. I told him “look I made a friend.”

I did not he hear from him after that.

I did continue to hear from her for the next several hours. She told me he was ignoring her; she was also trying to text and call him.

About six hours later, I receive a message from her. She said that he apologized to her for cheating. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. Said that he had told me that he did not want a relationship, or to even see me. Said he was not interested in me, but he was afraid that I would kill myself if he rejected me.

WHAT?!? THAT ASSHOLE LED ME ON AND THEN SPUN THE SITUATION AROUND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

Made him look like the hero – yes, he had cheated, but he was keeping some poor, depressed chick from hurting herself because she couldn’t have him. HA! What an ass…

I was so mad. I was more mad at myself than at him. I had ignored red flags. I had let myself fall in love with this guy.

I still think about him. I still think about the red flags that I did ignore – I want to learn from my mistakes.

I find myself wondering if he ever felt any remorse for what he did to me. I find myself wondering if he really did stay faithful, or if he found another victim. I blocked both of them on social media, apps, and on my phone.

I worry that one day I am going to come across his profile on the dating sites again. What would my reaction be? Would I be able to bring myself to just block him without saying anything? Would he try to contact me?

I miss the conversations and the attention from a guy, but what I really miss is the sex.

He made me more jaded. He made me have even less trust in guys. He made me hate myself again.

Happy Halloween

Yesterday, I felt so bad for my daughter. She is in Junior High. They have a lot of homework each night. It is difficult, at times – nothing like what I did in school. It is all on the computer, which I get that is how society is today but come on! My wifi doesn’t work. So, we went to a second location. That wifi would not stay connected to her computer. She asked if we could just go to the school and sit in the parking lot. I told her no because I did not want a cop knocking on my window wondering why I was sitting in the school parking lot at night for hours. Finally, found a location for her to do her homework with good internet connection. She was working on algebra. I looked up a website to kind of quickly teach myself how to do it so I could teach her how to do it. She was catching on really quickly. So, I stepped away – I wanted her to be able to do the problems by herself because at school she would have to do them alone (plus she was not able to ask any classmates because they had all copied off of each other and my daughter said she did not feel right copying work). She was on the school website answering math problems and then I noticed she started going back to previous problems and changing every one of her answers. Wait!! She said no, what I’d told her was wrong. Okay. She finished the assignment. Since it is online the computer grades it right away. The grade popped up on the screen – very low grade – and my daughter breaks into tears. My daughter is a straight A student – has been since kindergarten. She works very hard for her grades. I told her to review the problems – turned out what I’d taught her was correct, but when she second guessed it gave her the wrong answer. While, luckily the teacher gives two chances when working on assignments. I told my daughter to just ask the teacher to open her second chance and do the assignment again, since she knows how to do it. So, during class today she should be able to redo the assignment. She was very disappointed in herself and in the situation because today the class is going to have a Halloween party.

Ex is on vacation this week. I thought it was to finish packing up his house. Apparently, girlfriend took this week off too. So, they are just goofing off all week. My daughter invited ex to watch her at tumbling last night. He hesitated and said he had a lot of work to do at the house, but he would try to be there. He did come. We really did not speak to each other. He sat there and texted – I assume girlfriend. I did catch him more than once looking at me – kind of creeped me out. My daughter had school pictures, so I brought ex’s his copies of the pictures. He laid them on the floor. When he left – he left before we did – he was still glued to his phone. He left the pictures laying in the floor, which I did not even notice. It wasn’t until my daughter walked over and seen something under ex’s chair. So, I’m waiting to see how long it takes for him to realize he forgot the pictures.

So, Happy Halloween!

Halloween is defiantly my favorite holiday. If I had the money, my house would be decorated and I would create a haunted house. I would make everything over the top. Well, I don’t have money so I just enjoy the spirit of the holiday.

In the past, trick or treating consisted of ex sitting in the car and my daughter and I going to the houses. After girlfriend entered the picture, it was her and her kids that ex would sit in the car and wait for.

The first Halloween that they were officially together was hard for me. It was technically ex’s day. I wanted to tag along. I did not want to miss out on my daughter trick or treating – they grow out of it so fast. I walked with girlfriend’s kids and my daughter while ex and girlfriend walked behind me. Girlfriend was dressed like a “sexy nerd” and had insane high heels. How I managed to keep from busting out laughing when she tripped in her heels on the sidewalk, I don’t know. The past couple of years, girlfriend hasn’t gone trick or treating with us any more. She will send her youngest with ex. Ex and that kid will trick or treat with my daughter and me. Then quickly after, ex will have to leave to go pick up another one of girlfriend’s kids.

The first year – two years ago – I was shocked that ex would quickly leave us and never even call or text to make sure we were okay or at least to make sure we made it home safely. Last year, I didn’t even bother with ex. He did meet up with us for maybe thirty minutes, but that was all.

This year is going to be bittersweet. My daughter is too old for trick or treating – her word, not mine. ha-ha. I told her it was up to her. I would take her trick or treating or we could just buy some candy and watch scary movies. So, today we are starting a new tradition – scary movie night to celebrate Halloween. She did dress up for school. She even asked if we could do a photo shoot after school of her in her costume and makeup.

I’m going to miss taking her trick or treating, but watching movies and having fun at home is going to be wonderful.

 

Single Parent Struggles

First off, parenting is a hard job – I don’t care what your story is, parenting is hard, even in the best of situations.

Being a single parent makes this hard job even more challenging.

With my ex working out of state and my family living a few hours away, I typically am able to juggle schedules and get my daughter everywhere she needs to be without too many issues. I plan ahead and I do what I need to so she doesn’t miss out on anything.

Today is a different story…

Found out I’m having to take pictures tonight. The number of teams and individuals keeps increasing. Not to mention, my daughter has stunting practice and tumbling (on opposite sides of town) during time frame that I am needed to take pictures.

Worse case scenario, I could quickly step away and get my daughter from stunting take her to tumbling and drive back to take pictures. BUT… that is extra gas that I really can’t afford to waste. There is the possibility of stunting not ending on time and running late. What if I get stuck in traffic trying to get back to take pictures. What if I lose too much natural light during this time frame of driving my daughter every where and cannot take the pictures. Thus, me losing money and the business losing money because I did not do my job.

So, I tried asking other cheer moms if they could drive my daughter from stunting to tumbling. We have a group chat set up on Facebook – all the moms and the coach is added to that group. I sent a message to the group asking for help – explaining the situation.

NOT ONE RESPONSE!

I know who viewed the message – Facebook is kind enough to show you when someone views. Nine moms and the cheer coach viewed it – which wasn’t everyone on the squad – and not a single response.

I was so annoyed. I don’t ask people for any help – most of the time. Now, occasionally, I do need help. And I cannot get any help?!?

I was going through my contacts thinking of anyone and everyone I could ask.

Most of the squad is in my daughter’s tumbling class as well, so for most of them it wouldn’t have been an extra time or out of their way. One mom I know she couldn’t because she is out of state. Three others – that I am sure would have helped – hadn’t viewed the message. Another one, I know she can’t because she has to work too.

I finally thought of someone – her daughter is a cheerleader and in tumbling, but she doesn’t use Facebook. I texted her asking if her daughter was going to tumbling tomorrow night because I was needing someone to give my daughter a ride. She messaged me back saying that her daughter did not want to go to tumbling because she was too tired after stunting and she hurt herself last week in tumbling. BUT the mom said she would gladly give my daughter a ride – even though her daughter was not going to tumbling too.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

I’ve known this woman and her husband since my daughter was three-years-old. They helped coach her t-ball team. Our daughter’s had kindergarten together. They are a great couple that are always offering to help me – they know I am divorced and my family don’t live around here.

So, I’m excited that someone was willing to help me.

Still annoyed that no one else was willing to help. I get I’m not popular – being a loner doesn’t bother me. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. I do not fit in with the cheer moms.

Oh well, I’ll let it go. There’s other issues to focus on other than why I’m not accepted by a group of cheer moms. ha-ha.

One issue: the cheer coach. This woman is becoming a pain in my ass.

Since my daughter is a cheerleader they have to dress up for specific weeks/days (homecoming, pep rally, red ribbon week, etc). My daughter has clothes, but not the clothes needed for dress up days (like camouflage, flannel, specific characters, blah, blah, blah). My daughter also is stuck living in three houses – so, sometimes clothes she needs isn’t at the house that she is at, which me not knowing where girlfriend lives means I cannot take my daughter to her house to get clothes or items that she’ll need (and ex moving in with girlfriend means most of my daughter’s stuff is slowly making its’ way to girlfriend’s house).

My daughter told the coach that she didn’t have flannel for today’s dress up day. The coach’s response: I seem to hear often about clothes you don’t have. (We’ve had this issue before. The coach commented that it seems like my daughter never has any clothes).

Woman, back up. Know your role!

I told my daughter to either quit mentioning anything to the coach or next time the coach sasses tell the coach she can sass me. The coach never says a word to me…

My daughter lives between three houses. BUT guess what, I still get her what she needs. I talked to ex last night and explained what was going on. He transferred some money to me so I could take my daughter to the store and buy clothes for this dress up week – if the cheerleaders do not dress up then they get detention – which is stupid, but why cause drama for my kid. (Anyway, we did find a very cute flannel shirt with lace that my daughter will wear more than once – so, it was worth spending money on) So, got that issue taken care of.

But I know ex could sense my annoyance with the cheer coach when I was on the phone with him. He offered to kick her ass for me. (See, my ex is a tool, but he has his good moments. ha-ha)… aww… he is still willing to fight women for me lol

Second issue: while on the phone with ex:

ex: I’m just letting you know that we are going to **different state** for a week.

me: Who? (my mind immediately thought he was taking my daughter, girlfriend, her kids)

ex: The base. Guess I should have worded that better, huh?

Okay. This issue is not that big of a deal. I just may run into another situation like today where I cannot be in two places at the same time. But, I will cross that bridge if, and when, I get to it.

Then, I seen a post from a married mom complaining that she feels like a single mom. Then all of these other married women agreed and knew how she felt.

I wanted to comment and say I will try places with any one of you!! They are married to a man that makes enough to support the entire family while they are all stay at home moms. They spend their days at home – some of them, their children are school age. They complain that when the husband gets home he doesn’t help cook or clean. He plays with the kids and watches TV — uh, that’s because he has worked all day. Hell, get the cooking and cleaning done while he is at work – or leave it for tomorrow, who cares – and enjoy your family. Spend time with the husband, and the kids. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Be thankful that you have a husband and a family. Don’t compare yourself to a struggling single parent. Don’t complain on social media and then expect changes at home – communication!! Talk to your spouse. If you need help, tell them. The husband may not even think about it. May not realize it.

 

 

Ironic?

Yesterday I wrote about forgiving.

I weighed the pros and cons of forgiving my ex. I thought about what I need to forgive him for. I thought about maybe if I forgive then my life would seem to get better – maybe karma would not target me for having such negative thoughts towards my ex.

Anyone that has been reading and following my posts knows that ex sold his house – he actually closed last week – and is in the process of moving in with girlfriend, which I personally think is a mistake – but sadly I have no say in the matter. I just really worry about my daughter. Ex will still not tell me where girlfriend lives.

Ex wanted to move in with girlfriend years ago, but she said “no” and that they had to get married first.

Well, I wonder what changed.

They are not getting married – they’re not even engaged. Girlfriend cannot get pregnant – so not like she can “trap” ex. Which ex told me years ago that he was glad she couldn’t get pregnant that was one reason he was with her. He has also told me that he never plans on getting married again. Girlfriend has been married twice already. He has never really spoke highly of girlfriend around me – he’s told me how easy she is and how she’s “been around” (his actual words).

So, why is she allowing him to move into her house now?

Because she isn’t stupid, of course. Ex already pays the bills there – including upgrading TV and internet. He buys the food. He cooks and cleans. He babysits the kids. He bought a new vehicle for her.

I wonder what his plan is when she gets mad and breaks up with him, again (I know of a couple of times that they have already broke up). Anyway, that’s not the ironic aspect of the situation. I don’t care about their relationship. I know what ex is like. I care about my kid. I want the best situation for her.

So, ironic… me talking about forgiving ex and then this happens:

So, ex closed on the house, which he isn’t showing any emotion to the situation. My daughter is actually sad about it. That was the house we brought her home from the hospital to; that is the house she has lived in for almost thirteen years.

Anyway, so ex brought my stuff to me that was still in the house – I moved into a much smaller house and we were still together, so there was no reason to haul everything to my house when we first got divorced. Then as the years went by, it was items I no longer needed. I’d lived without them, so why bother with them now. Or they were things ex had given to me while we were a couple. I gave my daughter a lot of things, the rest was laid to rest in the trash.

He apparently is giving all the furniture and appliances to his family. Honestly, I wouldn’t had minded getting the washer and a couch – he has three couches, I could have gotten one, ha-ha. Well, my daughter – sweet girl – thinking of her mom, said to ex that I might want his refrigerator (why she would think that, not a clue. lol. I bought a new refrigerator last year). Apparently ex told her if I wanted the frig then he would SELL it to me.

What?!? Has he lost his bloody mind!!

He is going to SELL the refrigerator to me? That refrigerator that was in the fucking house when we bought it THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. HA. Fucking asshole!!

I got a good laugh out of that. I know my ex is a tool. That is just more proof. He would not give me something that he no longer needs. He would not give me something that our daughter could use. But instead he would try to make a profit off of it. I struggle with money and he would take an opportunity to take money from me – from our daughter. That is money that could go to bills or food.

Yep, I know I need to forgive him. It is so hard to forgive when every time I deal with him there is something like that happening.

Oh, and I might have to have a talk with him about girlfriend’s choice of phrases… Apparently, her favorite phrase is to “lick a biscuit.”

Okay, I haven’t had sex since April of this year. My mind went to the gutter right away when my daughter said that phrase yesterday. WHAT?! Please, don’t say things like that around my kid!!

Luckily, my daughter thought the phrase was annoying and stupid. She just said it because she said she was tired of hearing that phrase – guess girlfriend said it a lot over the weekend.

Curious, I asked what context it was used: Apparently, girlfriend got bitchy about something and then apologized that the diet was making her crabby and she just needed to lick a biscuit. (Hmm… could still mean something dirty. ha-ha)

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

Thank you… and Kindness Rocks

Thank You

First off, I want to thank each of you for reading my blog. I was surprised to see 50 people follow me now. I really want to thank those who comment on my posts, too (Think I am caught up on reading and responding to comments).

When I started this blog I really did not expect anyone to show any interest in my journey. I thought of it more as my online journal – something for me to read and reflect on for better self healing and self growth. I made up a name, and found some clip art so I could freely talk about my life. I could talk about and reflect over some risque and really tough issues – depression, anxiety, sex, divorce, self-injury, eating disorders, online dating, co-parenting, suicide. These are thoughts, feelings, and experiences that most people in my life do not even know about.

My parents and my closest friends, for example, do not know I self-injured starting when I was 9. They do not know I was raped at 16. They do not know I pulled a knife on a family friend when I was 17 because this grown man tried to force himself on me. They do not know about my failed suicide attempts. They do not know about the depression that my divorce caused.

My ex-husband knows a lot about me, all of the previously mentioned. He was my best friend. There was one thing I could never tell him… the day of our wedding, I almost left him at the alter. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was making a mistake. I would have ran, but my dad was standing right there waiting to walk me down the aisle. I stayed. I got married. After the ceremony, I found a room where no one was and I fell to the floor and cried so hard that I could not speak. My photographer and groom found me. The photographer told him many brides get emotional. I didn’t say anything.

So, I use this blog as a safe outlet. I can write and cry, if needed. I can relive situations and reflect. So, again, thank you for reading and commenting. It is wonderful support.

Kindness Rocks

I’ve mentioned kindness rocks in my previous posts. For those who are not familiar with the idea: Kindness rocks are where you decorate a rock (I’ve seen painted, temporary tattoos, vinyl, even stickers). You place the rock in a location for a random stranger to find. It is supposed to bring a smile and some happiness to someone. After they find the rock they can either hide that rock for someone else to find, or they can keep it and decorate another rock to hide. The idea is to always have rocks out there for someone to find.

I got into kindness rocks a year ago. It gave my daughter and I something to do, and it is fairly cheap (Just have to find rocks, and buy what ever decorations you want to use. Then the cost of gas to drive around).

My daughter has always loved rocks. In preschool, she would find a pretty rock on the playground and put it in her pocket to bring home. Some days I would forget to check her pockets then I would find rocks in my washer and/or dryer. A few years ago, I took her to a location where we dug for crystals. We found some big, gorgeous crystals. Then these painted rocks were just more to add to her collection.

Most of the time when I paint, I have to paint two. One is for her to keep and one is for her to hide. I used to not do it like that, but she was so broken-hearted having to give up rocks that she really liked that I had painted. She knew it made someone else happy, but she still wanted that same feeling. I understand. So, I paint for her and for us to hide. Yesterday, I painted two for her. 1. Ghostface from the move Scream. 2. A cheerleading themed rock. She loved them!! I didn’t paint any additional ones – we currently have about 20 that need to be hidden. It’s rained for about a week, plus we had a tornado (we are safe. no damage). So, we will hide them sometime in the future.

I found a group online that does Kindness Rocks Pals – kind of like a pen pal, but instead of sending letters you send a kindness rock. I think this will be a wonderful thing for us. There is a place to ask for rocks as a gift (anniversary, birthday, graduation, support during a difficult time). I put in two requests. 1. For my dad – or family in general – his father is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. My dad lost his mother to cancer about 27 years ago. Now, his father is slowly losing his battle to cancer. 2. For my daughter’s 13th birthday. **If  any rocks come to us as gifts, I will post pictures or reactions**

Where I live there is a group that does the kindness rocks. However, there is some negativity amongst this group. Often certain people will hide rocks – and I mean “HIDE” rocks in locations that no one will ever be able to find. Then they get angry and post their anger when the rocks are “found” and no one ever posts about finding the rocks.

Yes, I like the idea of making some rocks harder to find. It is fun to have this game of hide and seek with rocks. Almost a challenging game of I Spy. You have a picture – limited detail in the picture usually – of a location and you have to use your memory, observation skills, and pure dumb luck to find these rocks. But it’s fun. My daughter will take my phone and screen shot some of these pictures. It might be weeks later and we’ll drive by and be like that’s where that one rock was hidden! Sometimes it is still there, sometimes it’s not.

However, the posts about people not posting that they found the rock is uncalled for. Yes, there have been many rocks that my daughter and I have painted (I try to take a picture of EVERY rock we paint before we hide it) and we never see anything about it again. I would like to know the rocks found a good home, brought a smile to someone, shared some kindness. I would like to know if they loved the rock so much that they had to keep it, or if they decided to hide it for someone else. But, that’s not what is important. I did something fun and creative, and nice with my daughter. She is about to be a teenager. I want every opportunity I get to do something fun with her, and to teach her to think about others.

**If anyone does kindness rocks, feel free to post any tips/tricks you use for your rocks**