So This Happened…

Six years ago, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I filed for divorce. I was – at the time – truly in love with my ex. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to be with me. The next two years after the divorce, we were still together. I thought we were trying to work things out – no. I was being used for sex. The same time ex was telling me he loved me, he was going out with other woman. I hated myself. I felt cheap and dirty. I cried all the time. When I finally broke it off with ex I fell into a deep depression. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to provide closer to me about what went wrong. It was torture to see ex and girlfriend together. To me, it felt like she had won.

Even over the years, I have battled myself. Do I still love ex? Does he love me?

Some days I wonder if I love ex. I actually think I love the idea I had of my ex – you know the happy family. I think I love the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. I think I love the idea of being intimate with someone.

Yesterday, I was working. After work, I checked my phone. I had a text from ex. Our daughter had practice that night. He was on the road already. I decided to call – so he would not text and drive. I called him to remind him of practice. Didn’t know if he was going to meet us at practice? At my house afterwards? Did I have to drive her to girlfriend’s house?

Talked to ex a couple of minutes about the plans. Wrapping up the conversation. I told ex that I would talk to him later. He said “love ya.” I said “bye” and hanged up.

I guess I’d made a face when ex said that, because my daughter waited until I was off the phone and said “what happened?” I told her. She’s like he says that to girlfriend, her kids, and herself.

I know it is a habit for ex to say it. Honestly, I don’t know if he even realized what he said.

But years of wanting him to say those words to me. I didn’t like it yesterday. I didn’t feel any love – or any urge to say it back – for my ex.

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Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

Take the Picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Hard to believe, I know. This year is going to be insanely hard not having my dad here. I still can’t believe he is gone. I guess I still expect to get a text or a call from him. I expect to drive to my parents’ house for Christmas and see my dad sitting in his chair watching some educational program. I have to keep telling myself, and reminding myself that dad is gone.

Ironically, when I got divorced I told myself in five years I will be better off. Things will work out for the better. Well, it is five years down the road. I’m still single. Not even chatting with anyone. I still struggle with money. My ex is engaged. My dad is gone. My family is falling apart. Maybe next year will be better…

Last night I did something very difficult. I went through my photos, including watching the slideshow that played at my dad’s funeral. I cried the whole time. He was so happy in every picture. He loved life. I spent hours putting the pictures together into a photo book – I am having it printed online as a hardback full color book. It is sized 5×7 and has over 40 pages. Some pages have one picture. Some pages have seven pictures. I wanted all the pictures of my dad. I want more pictures, there would never be enough pictures…

I noticed a pattern over the years. In the beginning of my marriage, there were more family pictures. As my marriage started going down hill, there were less pictures of my family. My ex hated driving to our families houses. Then after my divorce, I lied to my family for two years. They didn’t know I was still sleeping with my ex. I didn’t know I was still wanting to be with him.

The past three years, I have struggled with money. My car has been a piece of shit. My dad’s health was getting worse. All of these factors made it where we seen each other less and less. I was only driving down maybe three to five times a year. They never drove up to see us. This year, 2018, was a horrible year. Things never worked out like they were supposed to. I don’t have a single picture of my dad from 2018 – that I took. There is not a single picture of my dad with me nor my daughter from 2018.

So, my words of advice: Take the picture.

I don’t care if you are fighting or upset. I don’t care if you just rolled out of bed. I don’t care if you suffer from depression and haven’t brushed your hair in three days. I don’t care if you want to lose weight.

Doesn’t matter!!

Take the picture. Be in the moment. Don’t take for granted that you will get to see your loved ones next week, next month, or even next year. Because you never know.

This year it is going to be hard to take the picture. There is going to be a missing piece, forever – my dad. I don’t know what drama the holiday will bring – drama within my family or drama with my ex.

But, bottom line is we’re going to have to continue on. We’re going to have to turn to each other for support. We’re going to have to live life like my dad lived his – happy, compassionate, and always smiling. He was always ready to take the picture.

Move On

I know death makes people nervous and they say stupid things.

It’s interesting, up until dad’s funeral, people were posting support and likes on pictures (not only my page, but on mom’s page. Some even posted on their pages). However, after Tuesday, it’s different. It’s almost like I get the message: You’ve had the funeral. You’ve mourned. It’s time to move on.

Since then, I have received no messages: Are you okay? Thinking of you.

Nothing.

That’s one amazing thing about the support group that I’ve found online. They get it!! There’s some that lost a parent fifteen years ago and will still have hard days.

I felt the need to call mom yesterday. I guess good timing. She was really upset. Yesterday was a hard day for all of us, I think. But I found out the guy was on Meth when he killed dad. He has been arrested two times in the past week, but he keeps getting out on bail. It is so hard not to have pure hatred for this guy. It’s hard not to say: THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LEARNED NOTHING! HE THINKS HE IS ABOVE THE LAW. HE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL HE KILLS SOMEONE ELSE.

I found a necklace that I ordered. I got it engraved (which was included in the price): It will say “Dad” and have the dates on it, and the back says “Always in my Heart.” (I wanted “Forever in my Heart” but it was one character too long).

“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

Hate

So, yesterday left me with this feeling of hate. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my ex. I hate his girlfriend. I hate raising a child in a broken home. I hate being broke. I hate being alone. I hate it all.

My daughter loves to go swimming. She decided she did want to go with ex and girlfriend to their “family get together.”

I cried.

I lost. I tried to be this fun parent, but how can I compete?

I know my kid loves to go swimming. I can’t swim. So, taking her to the pool is a horrible experience. I’m stuck sitting by the side of the pool, or wading in water that I can actually touch the ground. I’m too fat to do any slides or inner tubes.

I hate giving up my time with my daughter. But, it is not in my personality or character to be the type of ex-wife that keeps her children from their dad.

But, come on, one hour. I can swallow my pride, my hurt, my loneliness, all of my emotions and let my daughter go swimming for one hour.

Things never work like that with ex. One hour turns into two.

About the time he is supposed to bring her home, I get a text from him asking to keep her an additional hour so she can swim longer.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

Guys, I hate myself for what I did after that…

I let her swim for another hour. BUT I TEXTED EX MY FEELINGS!! WTF was I thinking?!?!

He sent me a text saying thank for. I said I didn’t do it for him. I did it because our daughter loves to go swimming. I was angry that he asked for my daughter for “family time” and took my only family on my day! I was angry that he tells my daughter that I yell at him. I hate that I still care about a man that doesn’t give a shit about me.

What?!?!

Did I text that?

Did I hit send?

Really?!?! WTH, Stormie? Why would you do something so bloody stupid?!?!

He responses that I do yell at him and if I had a problem with our daughter swimming then I shouldn’t have let her go.

ARRRGGHHHHHHH.

I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND!!

Then, found out a event I was pricing tickets for to take my daughter and me to, ex beat me to it. He bought all of them tickets. Really?!?

 

 

Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home.  No response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?

Drowning

Well, my thought today is: I’m failing at life.

Everything is crashing around me.

Work and Money. Even though I work multiple jobs – hours this time of year are short because of the holidays and winter hours. Or, I have to cut hours for one job to get hours for another job. All of which hurts my bank account. Money is crazy tight – haven’t gotten a child support check for a couple of weeks; and yes, the weekly child support isn’t much, but every little cent helps. I thought I was getting my head above water last week. I cancelled insurance to save some money, and I talked to someone about getting a tax break for my property tax – turns out I was supposed to have been getting this break for several years but my paperwork “got lost” on their end. I honestly didn’t think must about it. I thought the break was just for one year. Of course, they are not going to back pay me all that money – I wish they would. Yesterday, I opened the refrigerator and it left a little on the warm side. Things were still cold. I don’t want to – I CAN’T AFFORD TO – replace that refrigerator right now. I shouldn’t have to replace it already. I bought it about two years ago. Yes, it was a cheaper one, but it should work longer than two bloody years!! I’m counting down the months until I get my car completely paid for – that will be extra money each month when I don’t have car payments – but I still have about ten months to go.

Dating/Relationships. I’m still having mixed feelings about ex. I actually had a dream about him. In my dream, he called me to bitch at me that I left him blue-balling. (A phrase that ex used often during our marriage. I’ve always hated that phrase.) I woke up so angry. Mainly, angry at myself. Why am I still dreaming about him?!?

I suck at dating. I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone in days. In fact, we’re slowly inching closer and closer to a year mark since I’ve been on a date!!

Parenting. Now, typically I know I am a kick-ass mom. I take care of my kid. I help her with school work. I drive her to her millions of activities. Just, last night, with everything that was happening I felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I had two loads of clothes that were needing to be washed. Before I went to pick her up from practice I had the first load in the washer. The second load was lying in the floor so I could throw it in the wash when I got back. When we got home, I put the first load in the dryer and started the second load in the washer. Well, apparently, my daughter and a friend decided they wanted to wear their new cheer shirts to match at school today. That shirt accidentally got thrown into the washer, too. I guess it was sitting by all of her bags for school, which was close to the second load of clothes and I just assumed it went with the pile of clothes. I forgot to check the clothes after that. My daughter waited until the very last minute to find her clothes for school. Yep, that shirt is still chilling out in the washer. Parenting fail.

Processing: fears, pain

Yesterday, well last night, I found out ex got engaged. My daughter and I talked about it a lot last night. She is angry, bitter, hurt, sad. I asked her if she was happy. She said no.

We both knew it was coming. Ex moved in with girlfriend a couple of weeks of go – when exactly, I don’t even remember. But funny thing, he told our daughter the bad thing about moving in with girlfriend full-time is he has no where to go when he doesn’t want to be around girlfriend. I asked our daughter why wouldn’t ex want to be around girlfriend. Apparently, she gets annoying to ex and there are some days he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her.

My daughter said she had seen pictures of rings on ex’s phone. So, she knew it was coming, but she was still hurt that ex did not tell her. She said yesterday before school she asked him to bring her lunch – fast food – and he hesitated and told her that he would be out of town – he knew what his plans were. WHY COULDN’T HE HAD JUST TAKEN FIVE MINUTES AND TALK TO OUR DAUGHTER?!? What, was he scared of what our daughter would say? If he thinks he is making a mistake then maybe he shouldn’t have asked girlfriend to marry him.

I’m bitter that girlfriend got a better proposal than I did – why? I really don’t know. I mean, ex isn’t a “better” person now. So, I really don’t know why I’m a little hurt about that. I’m very hurt that he would avoid our daughter’s feelings and talking to her.

One thing that really does hurt is I’m. Still. Single.

This really brings me to tears! I was faithful during our marriage. I was faithful to him after our divorce. I have tried to date. I have been ghosted, stood up, catfished, lied to, and yet I still can not find anyone to date, much less actually have a relationship with.

Why does ex get everything? A new wife. Kids. An easy job. Lots of money.

As stupid as it sounds, I think I’m being punished.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m scared.

A few fears:

What if they get married on “our” wedding date. I may throw up if that happens. So, ex doesn’t pay a lot with child support. I’ve never taken him back to court even though he is making so much more, because when I say our kid needs something he will bitch and moan, but he will give me the money for it. Since he got this job on the base, he is making so much more, he has started giving extra every two weeks. He knows the courts would order him to pay more child support, so this is a why to keep me “content.” What if that extra money stops? What if anytime our daughter needs something, he has to go through girlfriend first?

What if their marriage doesn’t last? My daughter has already lived through one divorce; them breaking up multiple times; and moving into girlfriend’s house. What would another divorce do to her? Girlfriend has already been married twice before. So, a divorce in their future is not a wild leap, seriously. Ex is a challenge to live with – and they don’t even live together all the time. He lives out of state most of the week and just comes in on weekends. Hmm, I want them to have to live together full-time and see this isn’t some joke, a fun little sleep-over, or high school dating.

This morning, I woke up and ex being engaged was the first thought that popped into my head. I think yesterday’s feelings and actions – not being sad or really mad, just annoyed by his behavior of not telling our daughter – were from shock. I think today I am processing it and real feelings are coming out now. I am teary-eyed. I am scared and hurt. I’m trying to figure out why though. I think I still love ex – or at least the idea of him that I’ve forced myself to have for so many years. I’m afraid of the future – the money; he already chooses them over our daughter – I fear it will be worse now. What if he adopts the kids? What if he gets killed? Will girlfriend get the benefits? Will everything still go to our daughter?

I know this is a topic I am going to write about a lot. I need to process. I need to understand my feelings. I need to understand the best way to support my daughter.

Doesn’t help that physically I’ve been in pain for a couple of days. I’m going to blame the insane weather… But my c-section scar is about to kill me. Not sure what the deal is.