Divorce and Healing

I see and hear a lot of “get over it” or “just move on already” from others after someone gets divorced. I know friends and family got tired of hearing from me about my divorce. I, honestly, forced myself to stop talking about it and my feelings. I had to lie and keep secrets because I was still with my ex. We were divorced and I was still spending the day with me and sleeping with him.

The truth was, I was stuck in the first stage: Shock and Denial. I wanted to avoid our divorce. I wanted to avoid I knew he was dating other women. I blamed myself for the divorce. Maybe if I did this he would love me again. Maybe if we had more sex and I did oral more he would want to stay with me. I cried. ALL. THE. TIME. I could not function.

The anger stage caused me to have to leave work and go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with anxiety and stress disorder. I started having horrible anxiety attacks all the time, which I have always had social anxiety but this was different. I would be brought down to my knees.

I was ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid to stay with my ex. I knew he was seeing other women and just like during my marriage I ignored it. I loved him. I wanted him to love me too.

Everything made me angry. I was so short tempered, which is so out of character for me. I am actually the most patient person you will ever meet, but this stage made me angry. I could not control my temper. I was embarrassed by my actions after the fact, but if the moment I could not help myself.

I hit rock bottom a couple of years ago. Ex had taken my daughter out of state for a long vacation. I did not get to text or call her during that time. When they returned, it was my day to take her home. Ex had bought her a new video game. She did not want to leave. She wanted to stay and play the game and ex was about to bring girlfriend over. I remember leaving his house – I do not remember driving home. I remember writing a note – do not remember what I wrote. Then I remember swallowing handfuls of pills.

I stayed in the depression stage for several months. I would think I was getting better and then something would knock me back on my ass. I would see ex and girlfriend kissing. I would hear about what he bought her or where he took her and wonder why was he not like that with me.

So I bounced back and forth between stages. I remember still having ex as a Facebook friend and seeing them ring in the new year by kissing and posting it on Facebook. He never kissed me for New Year’s. My heart would break a little more.

I had no one to talk to. I wanted to cry. I wanted to talk about my feelings, but I would hear “move on.” Or “you should have left him years ago.” My favorite, “you can do so much better than him.” These comments did not help. I was still in love with this man and now I’m hearing that I need to move on. Where was my support?!?

I finally did find some support. I joined online dating. I found two guys I remember chatting with that really did help me. One, (I have talked about him before — think I named him Chris) understand the depression and the suicide attempt. He had attempted suicide as well after a person he was close to completed suicide. Chris understand the feeling of regret after the divorce. Did I make a mistake divorcing my ex? Chris told me about the same feelings he’d had after his divorce. The second guy help with my anxiety and getting back into the dating world. (Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve ever named this guy. For today’s post, I will call him Zack). Zack suffered from extreme anxiety. He could not even drive a car because his anxiety was so bad. Together we talked about our anxiety. We talked to each other about our experiences with online dating. He was dating multiple women at the same time and I would quiz him on which one (their likes, stories about them) so he would not confuse them. He would talk to me about what few guys I would be chatting with. It was nice to get a guy’s point of view on things. We mainly talked about music and The Walking Dead.

I am currently working on acceptance, new relationships, new strengths… the upward steps now. I feel like I am “me” again. I honestly do not remember the last time I actually cried. I do remember my last anxiety attack – February of this year because I had sex with the serial cheater, I will never forget that attack.

I can talk to ex without feeling angry. I know I will never get the closure I wanted or deserve. Actually, I make him nervous – I think. Last night we were talking – he’d forgotten our daughter’s school pictures at tumbling on Tuesday night. They have been in my car ever since, waiting for him to remember them – so my daughter hinted about the pictures. You see the ah-ha moment cross over ex’s face that he’d forgotten them.

ex: shit. I left them in the floor. Hopefully the teacher picked them up and they are still at tumbling.

me: or your wonderful ex-wife picked them up and has them right now.

**Ex smiled and did an awkward laugh.**

ex: Thank you.

I know I am accepting more and more of ex and girlfriend. Actually, my daughter and I were talking the other day. Since ex is moving into girlfriend’s house what do I call that house now? Used to it was ex’s house and girlfriend’s house. Now, since they will be living together, do I still refer to it as her house? his house? their house? my daughter’s second house/ home? My daughter decided we should do a mash up of their names for the house:

For example: Brad + Angelina = Brangelina./ Ben + Jennifer = Bennifer.

We tossed around a few ideas and got a good chuckle out of them. But I think that is a step in the right direction. I am healing. It is a very slow process. But I see it happening.

I don’t have to talk about ex. Actually, in real life I rarely talk about, or to, him.

Hmm… now if only my dating life would improve. I haven’t been on a date since April of this year. I seriously can not find anyone that I am interested in long enough to actually meet in person. I get bad vibes from so many of the guys online these days.

I want to find someone, but after everything I’ve been through I don’t want to settle.

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I Still Think About Him

This time last year, I reactivated my online dating accounts, again.

I was done taking a second break from online dating.

I had taken a year-long break to continue healing. It was time to try online dating again.

I had forgiven myself for sleeping with – well, let’s be honest – a stranger. I thought of it as a life lesson, and really it was what I needed to stop loving ex. What’s the saying? “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

So, after a year away from online dating drama, I decided to try again.

I really did not expect too much when I reactivated my online dating accounts. But, a year ago, I got a message from a guy that was going to give me another major life lesson.

I know what red flags I ignored with this guy – trust me, I have replayed every conversation we’d ever had over and over in my head. But at the time, I over looked all of the red flags, because I really thought I was being way too jaded. Yes, I had been hurt by the guy that slept with me, asked me to be his girlfriend, and then ghosted. Why take out that anger and paranoia on the next guy?

A year ago, I received a message from “Rick.” He did not send the typical message “hey babe” or “hi sexy.” He sent a message: “Hi. How are you?”

Wow. Great grammar! It definitely caught my eye.

I over looked the fact that his profile name was a single letter, “R,” and that he only had one profile picture. He did tell me his first name, and he sent me additional pictures of himself on request.

The first weekend that we started talking was a drill weekend. He was military. He was real military – he talked just like ex. A lot of his mannerisms were so much like ex – think that was another reason I overlooked so many red flags. I might have still been in love with ex, and this guy reminded me of ex.

At first, we just chatted casually. I was looking for just someone to chat with – not to date; not to have a relationship with; just someone to chat with. I let my guard down and started opening up to this guy – again, since he reminded me so much of ex it felt right, familiar, and comfortable.

He quickly wanted to video chat. It was refreshing to have a guy that wanted to video chat and talk on the phone – not hide behind text messages. He lived in another state, but his kids and military base were in the same state as I.

We arranged to meet in person after chatting for three months. He drove 3.5 hours to come see me. I thought this is amazing! A guy willing to drive 3.5 hours – one way – to come hang out with me has to be pretty special, right?!? I mean, why would a guy waste that much time if he was just wanting sex?

The first time we met up, we only got to spend about thirty minutes together. We ended up making out – not my proudest moment, I know. But I felt comfortable with this guy. We’d been chatting – video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone – for three months. Two weeks later, we arranged to meet up again. I wanted to have sex – I hadn’t had sex in 18 months. I am the one that asked – my heart about pounded out of my chest. I was so scared, nervous, and worried that I would be turned down. He, of course, did not reject me.

We met at a hotel – I did not want anyone at my house. The sex was AMAZING! However, I ended up having a horrible anxiety attack. He did not run for the hills. He stayed. He called and made sure I made it home safely.

I felt like this guy had potential.

I still ignored the red flags, because I had convinced myself that he is making an effort. In one month, we’d met up six times. That is a lot of traveling – most of those times we didn’t even have sex. We would just hang out and talk. He was the type of guy that would hold a door open for you and then would slap your ass as you walked through the door.

I fell in love with him. I told him I loved him. I wasted seven months on him. Still ignoring the red flags.

What red flags did I ignore?

• profile had one picture (which it was a full body picture, and he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. I later found out it was a much older picture of him, too.)
• username was a single letter
• he refused to add each other on Facebook
• he would disappear for several days at a time and then reappear as if nothing had happened
• he continued to tell me that he did not have a girlfriend
• he never called me by my name
• he refused to have a relationship, or even give us any type of title – dating, bf/gf, fwb.
• he continued to repeat that he had never cheated on anyone
• he talked about other women (even after we’d just had sex, he would talk about other women!)
• He would not tell me his last name for a very long time (it was about four months of us chatting before he told me his name, which I’d already knew his last name – I’d already found him on social media. I just wanted verification from him.)

Why did I ignore all of these red flags, plus more?

• I thought he had potential.
• I was tired of online dating drama, so I was settling.
• He reminded me of ex – the man I thought was my soulmate.
• It was nice to have someone to chat with again.
• THE SEX WAS AMAZING, and he made me feel good about my performance in bed.
• He made me smile.

In May of this year, he was at AT for two weeks. We’d planned on meeting after the two weeks were up. I was going to introduce him to my daughter.

We’d planned on meeting on Sunday. On Friday, I had a feeling that something was not right. I could not ignore the feeling. This feeling was too strong. In two days, this man was going to meet the most important person in my life and I had a weird feeling about him.

I’d searched for him on social media before – his profile was extremely private. He did not have a picture of himself on his profile. He had a common name – there were SEVERAL guys with the same name. I found him after a few months of us chatting – so I knew his full name (even middle name). I did not disclose this information with him though.

This day, though, I continued to search. He had slipped up and posted something publicly. I could see it without being on his friends list. I looked at the comments and there it was – a red flag that I could not ignore:

A woman made the comment in response to a meme he’d posted. She said “lol. that’s my man! love you, babe!”

I clicked on her profile. Her profile picture was a picture of her with RICK.

It was an older picture. He had changed his hair style and facial hair. He had gained weight. But it was HIM.

I screenshot the picture. I texted him and asked him to call me when he got a chance.

A part of me still wishes I’d waited for his call. I wish I could have heard his voice and his reaction. But, I could not wait. I had to ask right then. I sent another text:

****

me: fuck it. I’m going to just ask right now. Are you seeing anyone else?

him: no, why?

me: you are dating or having a relationship with any other females?

him: no, why?

me: hmm… funny, because I found a picture of you with a woman.

him: I haven’t taken any pictures with any women. Are you even sure it is me?

me: it sure as hell looks like you.

him: it must be a very old picture, if it is even me.

****

Okay. I was getting nowhere with him. I messaged the woman.

****

me: hi. you don’t know me, but I have a very strange question: is that your boyfriend in your profile picture?

her: who are you? why do you want to know?

me: is his name Rick?

her: how long have you been sleeping together?

****

Our conversation continued for several minutes. I told her how long I’d been seeing him. She told me they had been together for three years. They were engaged. I was not the first chick he had cheated on her with. I apologized to her; I did not know he was with anyone. She said no hard feelings towards me.

I sent her screenshots of my conversation with him to prove it was Rick I was chatting with – I had his picture and his phone number. I showed her screenshots of him telling me he did not have a girlfriend and he was not seeing anyone else.

Then, I sent him screenshots of conversation between her and I. I told him “look I made a friend.”

I did not he hear from him after that.

I did continue to hear from her for the next several hours. She told me he was ignoring her; she was also trying to text and call him.

About six hours later, I receive a message from her. She said that he apologized to her for cheating. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. Said that he had told me that he did not want a relationship, or to even see me. Said he was not interested in me, but he was afraid that I would kill myself if he rejected me.

WHAT?!? THAT ASSHOLE LED ME ON AND THEN SPUN THE SITUATION AROUND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

Made him look like the hero – yes, he had cheated, but he was keeping some poor, depressed chick from hurting herself because she couldn’t have him. HA! What an ass…

I was so mad. I was more mad at myself than at him. I had ignored red flags. I had let myself fall in love with this guy.

I still think about him. I still think about the red flags that I did ignore – I want to learn from my mistakes.

I find myself wondering if he ever felt any remorse for what he did to me. I find myself wondering if he really did stay faithful, or if he found another victim. I blocked both of them on social media, apps, and on my phone.

I worry that one day I am going to come across his profile on the dating sites again. What would my reaction be? Would I be able to bring myself to just block him without saying anything? Would he try to contact me?

I miss the conversations and the attention from a guy, but what I really miss is the sex.

He made me more jaded. He made me have even less trust in guys. He made me hate myself again.