Reflecting

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So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

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I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELLĀ  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

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“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

Weight loss update July 6, 2018

I’m still working on losing weight. Still working out. Yesterday I shocked myself!!

June 29: 280 lbs. Started working out.

July 1: Able to do a 3 second plank.

July 2: Able to do a 8 second plank.

July 3: App had built in rest day.

July 4: Instead of doing the work out routine with the app, my daughter and I went walking at the walking trail in the park looking for kindness rocks.

July 5: Able to do a 30 second plank! I was so proud of myself! I could not believe it!! I was so excited, I decided to get on the scale. It was scary getting on the scale. Yes, I am noticing improvements since I’ve been working out. I was worried the scale would still read 280lbs or show I’ve gave weight. I got on the scale: 273lbs!!

Still have a long ways to go, but I am slowly getting there. Super excited and proud of my accomplishments thus far.

Life is busy these days.

Weight Loss Journey Update: First off, I am sticking with the weight loss journey. I have to admit, Sunday I really wanted to say forget it, and skip a day. I was sore and stiff. I didn’t skip the day. I felt like I was successful after that workout. Yesterday, I wanted to work out. The bad thing is, yesterday’s work out consisted of a lot of floor exercises. My lower back is screaming in pain today. Luckily, today is a rest day. However, I am seeing improvement. Small accomplishments; such as, being able to plank for 3 more seconds longer than the day before. It’s not much, but have to start some where. I have not gotten onto the scale yet. Honestly, the numbers do not matter. What matters is how my clothes fit, and how I look at myself in the mirror. I am using an app, it is pretty cool. It has an exercise routine planned out for the day. It keeps track of time of work out, and estimated amount of calories burned. It includes a reminder to work out that day. It includes a meal plan, which I am not doing the meal plan – yet. I want to go slow to stick with this new lifestyle.

CPR Training: I am so proud of my child, she completed CPR and First Aid training yesterday! She actually read through the entire manual. I quizzed her on her knowledge and understanding before the class. She told me when she got to class she was the only one who knew how to correctly remove soiled gloves. She said she got complimented on her wrapping skills for wounds. I hope that is the fire she needed to stay motivated with 4-H. She is now looking forward to turning fourteen, when she can join the vet science 4-H club – she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up (she has wanted to be a veterinarian since she was four).

Summer Camp: Had to take her to the store yesterday to buy some supplies for her to go to summer camp this weekend. She is so excited. It is a 4-H craft camp. I remember a few years ago, the only way I got her to stay at camp was I had to volunteer to go too. It was fun, great memories. But, she is 12, she is old enough to go to camp without me, and she has been for a couple of years now. I am glad she is excited to go. I cannot wait to hear about her experience and see all of the crafts!

Disneyland Co-parent: I used to hate – and I mean HATE – having a Disneyland co-parent to work with. I felt like a failure. I felt like he was rubbing it in my face all of the time. Even now, money is tight. I work. I pay my bills. My daughter has a roof over her head, and food in her tummy. I don’t have the money to spend randomly. Right now, I am saving and looking for deals for Christmas and birthday gifts. My ex transferred money for me to take our daughter to buy a Nintendo Switch and three games. A few years ago, I would have been so angry! Now, I’m glad he has money and is spending it on his child. I hate that I cannot do the same, but I know that is not what is important. It was fun watching her play her Just Dance game on the Nintendo Switch though. Hearing her laugh and watching her have fun was great.

Weight Loss Journey

Obviously since I write under a pseudo name I can not post pictures, but I am going to begin another difficult chapter in my life: weight loss.

Just typing that sentence is scary. It brings back so many memories, and emotions.

I have struggled with my weight since third grade. When I was seven-years-old, a family member passed away. I was extremely close to that person. I seen the person the day they passed away – they had cancer. We knew they were dying. I was told not to let them see me cry. So, that day I kept my distance. I stayed on the other side of the room. All of the hospital equipment sitting in their living room. I could not bring myself to go to them and give them a kiss and say goodbye – a mistake that will forever haunt me. They passed away that night. I never got to say “goodbye” or “I love you.” After that, I became an emotional eater. Everyone else seemed to go on without any problems and no one talked to me about my feelings. I found comfort in food.

Growing up, my mom put me on different diets. Never worked. When I entered seventh grade, I had to join athletics. I did not lose weight that year either.

In eight grade I found something that did finally make me start losing weight: eating disorders. At first, I would skip a meal here or there. It was working. I was losing weight. No one said anything to me about it.

I continued that behavior through high school. I made excuses about why I wasn’t eating. I know people knew what I was doing, but no one spoke up! I know people could see I was sick, but no one offered help! At my lowest weight, I was 100 lbs.

A few years ago, I seen a picture of myself during that time frame. I was smiling in the picture, but I didn’t look happy. I looked like I didn’t feel good. I looked like I needed help. I could not believe what I was seeing in that photo. There are not many pictures of myself as a teenager, but that is one I will always remember.

In college, I did start to eat. For a few years, I was at a healthy weight. I went back into old habits of being an emotional eater.

During my pregnancy, I was so sick morning, noon, and night. After that, I never wanted to vomit again! And after years of starving myself, I hate to feel hungry.

You would think those hunger pains go away. No. They are always there. You learn to ignore and just live with them. I hate those memories.

Of course, my emotional eating continued with my marriage and into my divorce.

I thought the divorce diet would help. I slipped into a couple of months of depression where I was physically sick. I did lose weight – about 20 lbs – but I have since gained that back.

A couple of years ago, a friend bought a gym and invited me to join. I did. I joined her class. We did about two hours of aerobics and strength training five days a week. Of course the weight was coming off. I was starting to look good. I was gaining muscles and losing inches. My clothes were so baggy. Even my ex-husband gave me compliments about how good I was looking – he never told me I was pretty or good looking in our marriage.

I continued this for a year. She left the gym. There were no more classes. I lost motivation. I did not have a workout buddy. Without that motivation, I gained that weight and all of those inches back.

I do walk with my child and my dog in the spring and fall occasionally. Winter and summer depends on the weather, of course. But that is a short walk of maybe 15 to 20 minutes.

I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. My child is old enough to workout with me. She does multiple sports: cheer, tumbling, softball, soccer. So, she has to workout too.

So, I am beginning my weight loss journey again.

I have worked out the past two days. My body is stiff and sore. But doing it with my child, and seeing how excited she is that I am doing it with her, really helps. She is definitely my motivation. I want to be able to keep up with her. I want to be around to see her graduate, start a career, get married, have a family, and have a wonderful life.

So, as I said, I am starting this weight loss journey again. I am at my heaviest weight: 280lbs. I know the weight isn’t going to fly off and I become 150lbs overnight. It took years to gain this weight. It will take time to lose it – in a healthy way.

My first goal is to get to 260lbs.

Excited, nervous, scared… but it has to be done. Let’s begin.