Obviously since I write under a pseudo name I can not post pictures, but I am going to begin another difficult chapter in my life: weight loss.
Just typing that sentence is scary. It brings back so many memories, and emotions.
I have struggled with my weight since third grade. When I was seven-years-old, a family member passed away. I was extremely close to that person. I seen the person the day they passed away – they had cancer. We knew they were dying. I was told not to let them see me cry. So, that day I kept my distance. I stayed on the other side of the room. All of the hospital equipment sitting in their living room. I could not bring myself to go to them and give them a kiss and say goodbye – a mistake that will forever haunt me. They passed away that night. I never got to say “goodbye” or “I love you.” After that, I became an emotional eater. Everyone else seemed to go on without any problems and no one talked to me about my feelings. I found comfort in food.
Growing up, my mom put me on different diets. Never worked. When I entered seventh grade, I had to join athletics. I did not lose weight that year either.
In eight grade I found something that did finally make me start losing weight: eating disorders. At first, I would skip a meal here or there. It was working. I was losing weight. No one said anything to me about it.
I continued that behavior through high school. I made excuses about why I wasn’t eating. I know people knew what I was doing, but no one spoke up! I know people could see I was sick, but no one offered help! At my lowest weight, I was 100 lbs.
A few years ago, I seen a picture of myself during that time frame. I was smiling in the picture, but I didn’t look happy. I looked like I didn’t feel good. I looked like I needed help. I could not believe what I was seeing in that photo. There are not many pictures of myself as a teenager, but that is one I will always remember.
In college, I did start to eat. For a few years, I was at a healthy weight. I went back into old habits of being an emotional eater.
During my pregnancy, I was so sick morning, noon, and night. After that, I never wanted to vomit again! And after years of starving myself, I hate to feel hungry.
You would think those hunger pains go away. No. They are always there. You learn to ignore and just live with them. I hate those memories.
Of course, my emotional eating continued with my marriage and into my divorce.
I thought the divorce diet would help. I slipped into a couple of months of depression where I was physically sick. I did lose weight – about 20 lbs – but I have since gained that back.
A couple of years ago, a friend bought a gym and invited me to join. I did. I joined her class. We did about two hours of aerobics and strength training five days a week. Of course the weight was coming off. I was starting to look good. I was gaining muscles and losing inches. My clothes were so baggy. Even my ex-husband gave me compliments about how good I was looking – he never told me I was pretty or good looking in our marriage.
I continued this for a year. She left the gym. There were no more classes. I lost motivation. I did not have a workout buddy. Without that motivation, I gained that weight and all of those inches back.
I do walk with my child and my dog in the spring and fall occasionally. Winter and summer depends on the weather, of course. But that is a short walk of maybe 15 to 20 minutes.
I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. My child is old enough to workout with me. She does multiple sports: cheer, tumbling, softball, soccer. So, she has to workout too.
So, I am beginning my weight loss journey again.
I have worked out the past two days. My body is stiff and sore. But doing it with my child, and seeing how excited she is that I am doing it with her, really helps. She is definitely my motivation. I want to be able to keep up with her. I want to be around to see her graduate, start a career, get married, have a family, and have a wonderful life.
So, as I said, I am starting this weight loss journey again. I am at my heaviest weight: 280lbs. I know the weight isn’t going to fly off and I become 150lbs overnight. It took years to gain this weight. It will take time to lose it – in a healthy way.
My first goal is to get to 260lbs.
Excited, nervous, scared… but it has to be done. Let’s begin.