Reflecting

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So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

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I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELL¬† HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

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Take the Picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Hard to believe, I know. This year is going to be insanely hard not having my dad here. I still can’t believe he is gone. I guess I still expect to get a text or a call from him. I expect to drive to my parents’ house for Christmas and see my dad sitting in his chair watching some educational program. I have to keep telling myself, and reminding myself that dad is gone.

Ironically, when I got divorced I told myself in five years I will be better off. Things will work out for the better. Well, it is five years down the road. I’m still single. Not even chatting with anyone. I still struggle with money. My ex is engaged. My dad is gone. My family is falling apart. Maybe next year will be better…

Last night I did something very difficult. I went through my photos, including watching the slideshow that played at my dad’s funeral. I cried the whole time. He was so happy in every picture. He loved life. I spent hours putting the pictures together into a photo book – I am having it printed online as a hardback full color book. It is sized 5×7 and has over 40 pages. Some pages have one picture. Some pages have seven pictures. I wanted all the pictures of my dad. I want more pictures, there would never be enough pictures…

I noticed a pattern over the years. In the beginning of my marriage, there were more family pictures. As my marriage started going down hill, there were less pictures of my family. My ex hated driving to our families houses. Then after my divorce, I lied to my family for two years. They didn’t know I was still sleeping with my ex. I didn’t know I was still wanting to be with him.

The past three years, I have struggled with money. My car has been a piece of shit. My dad’s health was getting worse. All of these factors made it where we seen each other less and less. I was only driving down maybe three to five times a year. They never drove up to see us. This year, 2018, was a horrible year. Things never worked out like they were supposed to. I don’t have a single picture of my dad from 2018 – that I took. There is not a single picture of my dad with me nor my daughter from 2018.

So, my words of advice: Take the picture.

I don’t care if you are fighting or upset. I don’t care if you just rolled out of bed. I don’t care if you suffer from depression and haven’t brushed your hair in three days. I don’t care if you want to lose weight.

Doesn’t matter!!

Take the picture. Be in the moment. Don’t take for granted that you will get to see your loved ones next week, next month, or even next year. Because you never know.

This year it is going to be hard to take the picture. There is going to be a missing piece, forever – my dad. I don’t know what drama the holiday will bring – drama within my family or drama with my ex.

But, bottom line is we’re going to have to continue on. We’re going to have to turn to each other for support. We’re going to have to live life like my dad lived his – happy, compassionate, and always smiling. He was always ready to take the picture.

“Home” and Dating in your 30’s

Last night, my daughter played in the band at her first football game. It was great – brought back memories, I was in band too. Funny thing, they played the same songs we played when I first started marching. Her hair was down – usually it is in a ponytail since her hair is down to her waist. After the game, she made a comment that she wished she’d put her hair in a pony tail but she’d left a pony tail holder at home. She was with ex the night before. So, I am not sure if she was referring to girlfriend’s house as “home” or she meant my house as “home.”

Honestly, I wanted to ask. I secretly hoped she meant my house was “home.” But I kept my mouth shut. I could not question her. What if she did mean girlfriend’s house as “home?” Then shouldn’t I be happy that she feels comfortable enough to refer to that house as “home?” Should I be hurt if she doesn’t refer to my house as “home?” Maybe I’m being oversensitive.

I did ask her about her room at girlfriend’s house. I want to support my daughter and her life with ex. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. I don’t want her to think that she has to hide her feelings – good or bad – just because it has to do with ex and girlfriend. I really don’t want any more surprises like the church conversation.

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I have decided I suck at dating and flirting. I don’t know if I was ever very successful at flirting. I mean, in high school I also had a boyfriend and guy’s were interested. But, let’s face it, they were probably only interested because there were rumors about me being easy and ex calling me “condom queen” did not help. FYI, I never had sex in high school.

Then I started dating ex our senior year. I didn’t have to flirt with anyone except for him. Now, honestly, I think occasionally I do still catch myself flirting with ex. Maybe it is just habit? Maybe deep down I still love him?

I had two guys message me – well that were not scammers – yesterday. One, I have tried chatting with this guy and I have blocked him over and over and over. He continues to make a new profile and messages me again. He doesn’t work. He drinks and does drugs socially. He is a porn addict. The second guy, we exchanged messages. He told me about his likes. I responded. Guess it wasn’t the response he wanted because he told me I don’t sound very enthusiastic. hmm… no, I didn’t. Honestly, I wasn’t. I mean he likes spending time with friends and family. He goes bowling and plays golf. WTH am I supposed to say to that? “OMG, THAT’S GREAT! TELL ME MORE, PLEASE!!”

I’m socially awkward. I laugh at weird moments. I text “lol” when I don’t know what else to say. I don’t share or open up too much right away. I’m afraid of how I may come across if I do start talking/texting. For example, there was one guy I’d asked for a picture to make sure it was the same person and he asked if I wanted a picture of his face or penis. I joked “typical male, always looking for the opportunity to show IT off.” He blocked me. Hmm… guess I need to work on my joking/ flirting skills.

I also don’t know how to catch their attention if I message first. I mean, what you see is what you get. Figure if my pictures or profile doesn’t catch your attention then I’m not going to waste my time. So usually I send the lame message “Hello. How are you?” Or, if they have something interesting in their profile I’m respond to it.

Wish dating was easy like when I was a teenager. Now, I have to worry about liars, cheaters. I have to think about what is best for my daughter. I have to worry about my safety. I have to be paranoid of STDs and pregnancy. Dating in your 30’s is not fun.

Happy Halloween

Yesterday, I felt so bad for my daughter. She is in Junior High. They have a lot of homework each night. It is difficult, at times – nothing like what I did in school. It is all on the computer, which I get that is how society is today but come on! My wifi doesn’t work. So, we went to a second location. That wifi would not stay connected to her computer. She asked if we could just go to the school and sit in the parking lot. I told her no because I did not want a cop knocking on my window wondering why I was sitting in the school parking lot at night for hours. Finally, found a location for her to do her homework with good internet connection. She was working on algebra. I looked up a website to kind of quickly teach myself how to do it so I could teach her how to do it. She was catching on really quickly. So, I stepped away – I wanted her to be able to do the problems by herself because at school she would have to do them alone (plus she was not able to ask any classmates because they had all copied off of each other and my daughter said she did not feel right copying work). She was on the school website answering math problems and then I noticed she started going back to previous problems and changing every one of her answers. Wait!! She said no, what I’d told her was wrong. Okay. She finished the assignment. Since it is online the computer grades it right away. The grade popped up on the screen – very low grade – and my daughter breaks into tears. My daughter is a straight A student – has been since kindergarten. She works very hard for her grades. I told her to review the problems – turned out what I’d taught her was correct, but when she second guessed it gave her the wrong answer. While, luckily the teacher gives two chances when working on assignments. I told my daughter to just ask the teacher to open her second chance and do the assignment again, since she knows how to do it. So, during class today she should be able to redo the assignment. She was very disappointed in herself and in the situation because today the class is going to have a Halloween party.

Ex is on vacation this week. I thought it was to finish packing up his house. Apparently, girlfriend took this week off too. So, they are just goofing off all week. My daughter invited ex to watch her at tumbling last night. He hesitated and said he had a lot of work to do at the house, but he would try to be there. He did come. We really did not speak to each other. He sat there and texted – I assume girlfriend. I did catch him more than once looking at me – kind of creeped me out. My daughter had school pictures, so I brought ex’s his copies of the pictures. He laid them on the floor. When he left – he left before we did – he was still glued to his phone. He left the pictures laying in the floor, which I did not even notice. It wasn’t until my daughter walked over and seen something under ex’s chair. So, I’m waiting to see how long it takes for him to realize he forgot the pictures.

So, Happy Halloween!

Halloween is defiantly my favorite holiday. If I had the money, my house would be decorated and I would create a haunted house. I would make everything over the top. Well, I don’t have money so I just enjoy the spirit of the holiday.

In the past, trick or treating consisted of ex sitting in the car and my daughter and I going to the houses. After girlfriend entered the picture, it was her and her kids that ex would sit in the car and wait for.

The first Halloween that they were officially together was hard for me. It was technically ex’s day. I wanted to tag along. I did not want to miss out on my daughter trick or treating – they grow out of it so fast. I walked with girlfriend’s kids and my daughter while ex and girlfriend walked behind me. Girlfriend was dressed like a “sexy nerd” and had insane high heels. How I managed to keep from busting out laughing when she tripped in her heels on the sidewalk, I don’t know. The past couple of years, girlfriend hasn’t gone trick or treating with us any more. She will send her youngest with ex. Ex and that kid will trick or treat with my daughter and me. Then quickly after, ex will have to leave to go pick up another one of girlfriend’s kids.

The first year – two years ago – I was shocked that ex would quickly leave us and never even call or text to make sure we were okay or at least to make sure we made it home safely. Last year, I didn’t even bother with ex. He did meet up with us for maybe thirty minutes, but that was all.

This year is going to be bittersweet. My daughter is too old for trick or treating – her word, not mine. ha-ha. I told her it was up to her. I would take her trick or treating or we could just buy some candy and watch scary movies. So, today we are starting a new tradition – scary movie night to celebrate Halloween. She did dress up for school. She even asked if we could do a photo shoot after school of her in her costume and makeup.

I’m going to miss taking her trick or treating, but watching movies and having fun at home is going to be wonderful.

 

I Don’t Want to be Replaced as Mom

My daughter was seven when I filed for divorce. However, I continued to be with my ex-husband for two more years after our divorce was finalized. After ex and I were finished, he was seeing someone else (actually before we were finished – but that is a different post completely). She was already around my daughter. Ex was paying for them to have their nails done together – something that he had never done for me. I felt like I was being replaced as her mother. He was trying to make my daughter bond with this other woman. Paying for things to try to bring them closer together. Giving them opportunities to do things I’d never gotten to do with my daughter.

It did not help when I found out he was seeing this woman the same time he was telling me that he loved me and was having sex with me. He was spending the days with me and our daughter, and sneaking – now girlfriend – this woman into the house at night (we lived in separate houses that’s why I was not aware for this happening).

When I found out, I broke. I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up blacking out. I fell into a three month depression where I was physically ill all of the time. I was not eating or sleeping. I was a horrible role model for my daughter. I really did fear I would be replaced. Actually, looking back I’m surprised my daughter did not want to replace me.

I’m pretty sure if it was ex’s choice, my daughter would have to call this woman “mom.” I’m pretty sure he would just erase me from the picture completely.

Back then, I feared I would be replaced in my daughter’s life. I mean, what nine year old would not love to get their nails done; go shopping; and have this “family” because that was the woman with her dad.

My daughter is about to turn thirteen. I do not fear being replaced as her mom. She knows I am mom. She knows I am in her corner 100%.

Yesterday, my daughter I were talking. She’s having to do a fundraiser for school. The school told the students the best place to sell is at church. Um… neither ex nor I are Christian, and do not attend church. I know girlfriend makes her kids go to church, so I made a comment to my daughter that I guess she could try going to their church and sell her stuff for the fundraiser.

I asked what type of church do they attend – I was raised going to church so I was preparing for possible questions. My daughter did not know. So, I started explaining to her what church was like depending on the different domination.

My daughter’s next comment actually stopped me in my tracks: I’ve already went to church with girlfriend and her kids.

What!?

When?!?

Ex went??!?!?!?!

Apparently, ex did not go. He sent my daughter with them. But this happened years ago. Apparently it was just the one time.

I was so hurt: 1. I did not know about this sooner. – What if she had questions? What if she wanted to start attending church? I was in the dark about another thing in my daughter’s life. 2. Ex would make a decision like that without talking to me. – Typical behavior from him. But seriously, I think both parents should be included. Yes, my daughter’s religion and beliefs are hers to make, but if we are introducing something important that could and possibly would affect her BOTH PARENTS SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THAT DECISION. 3. What else do I not know that I am going to be blindsided by? This is the one that really scares me. What else has happened while my daughter is with ex and girlfriend that I do not know. Why didn’t she tell me – was she scared? Did she not think it was important?

I did talk to my daughter about it, so we got that situation taken care of.

Then she made a comment about girlfriend – honestly, I don’t remember the comment. I said, I don’t know because I don’t really know girlfriend. My daughter said, that’s okay you’re not missing out on anything.

So, I don’t know if that comment was made because she wants to protect my feelings or if she really dislikes girlfriend.

I have heard my daughter refer to girlfriend as “step monster.” I tell her that is not nice. I do expect my daughter to have respect for people that earn/deserve it. I know the stories that I hear this woman has not earned my daughter’s respect. As far as I can tell she is respectful to the girlfriend. She doesn’t call her names. She helps around the house. She does things with girlfriend – they still get their nails done together.

Here’s my conflict. A part of me does want to get to know this woman. I want to have this support system for my daughter.

Actually, a lot of things I hear about girlfriend – she is a lot like me! Same taste in movies, and some music. We both have tattoos. We both dye our hair (I do red and black. She does blonde and black). But we are different. I never wear makeup. She never is seen without makeup – my daughter said even when they do not leave the house, girlfriend wears makeup 24/7. Her hair is always in a tight bun. Mine is always down in my wild curls. Used to girlfriend was thin – ex always criticized my weight. Last time I seen girlfriend, she was pretty close to my size.

I wonder if girlfriend and I would click.

But then I think why? Why try to be friends?

I don’t want to be friends with someone that sleeps with someone else’s man. I don’t want to be friends with someone that tries to keep the parents from having a good, civil relationship with each other for the sake of their child(ren). I don’t want to invite dramatic possibilities into my life. Besides what would happen when we start sharing stories about ex. eww.

As much as I don’t want to be replaced as mom – I don’t think I will be replaced – I wonder what will happen when I meet a great man. My daughter has already asked if/when I get remarried if she could call the new guy “dad.”

Oh, and I finally got the address from ex – since he is moving in with girlfriend. I got her address and home phone number. I put that information in my phone. Found her Facebook profile and got a contact photo of her. She’s not saved in my phone by her name – nor is ex. But instead, ex is saved as My daughter’s father; girlfriend is saved as Ex-husband’s girlfriend. Both are in another language.

Hopefully, healing is taking progress… baby steps.

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I took Saturday off this past weekend. I had planned on sleeping – THE ENTIRE DAY – I need sleep! Well, ex brought my daughter home at 8:15am on Saturday. Okay, I got a few extra hours of sleep. I spent the day helping her with homework, watching her cheer, playing board games with her, and watching movies with her. It was a fun day.

Well, ex picked her up about 8:30pm Saturday night. I figured he would keep her until late on Sunday. SOOOO… new plan: work Sunday morning and then sleep all day Sunday afternoon.

Sounded like an awesome plan!

Well, Sunday morning: I go to work. Earn some money. Get home at 11am. Grab me something to eat. Crawl into bed around 11:30am. YAY, SLEEP!

12:45pm – My phone starts ringing. It is my daughter. I of course answer it – not sure why she is calling me.

her: Hi Mom, are you home?

me: Yes.

her: Okay, we’re coming over.

me: What?!? Why??

her: Dad wants to bring some stuff over.

We hang up…

&%*@!!!!! Seriously!

Ex comes over. I mean he has already brought a lot of my belongings over. WHAT MORE COULD BE IN HIS HOUSE THAT BELONGS TO ME?!?!

Okay… He brings a shelf, art supplies, and books.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! This could not wait until he brought my daughter home later in the day. He has to be this stuff to me right then?

So, I must have looked as rough as I felt. I greeted ex and my daughter outside. Both of them almost at the same time asked: Are you sick?

Nope. Just trying to sleep…

Well, ex makes a comment about there might be more of my stuff at his house. He said I could have a couple of items, but I would have to go to his house to get them. Fine, fine.

So, I drive over there. We have to walk around the entire house – he was trying to get rid of anything and everything he could. His house is a two-story house – it’s roomy. I live in a single wide trailer. I can’t fit much into my house. So, yes, I would love to hold onto all of my memories of my daughter’s old toys or clothes. It’s not possible.

He tried giving me his Christmas tree – I have a Christmas tree.

It’s like why are you getting rid of everything?

He said because there is no room at girlfriend’s house.

Then why move in there?

Because she asked me to.

Just keep our daughter in mind.

I am. She’s excited.

**I call bullshit**

Later, apparently he tells our daughter that he is not getting rid of things like the Christmas tree. Seriously?!? What game is he trying to play? I’m not stupid. Neither is my kid. We both talk to each other. We know when he is lying and trying to play us.

Apparently, he told my daughter to ask me if I would let him have her sometime during this week so they could continue to clean and pack – he took this week off for vacation. Uhh… he is a grown ass man. He can ask me himself. I’m not a bad ex wife – he is actually very lucky. I could make his life hell if I wanted to.

But, he is not worth that drama or energy.

Really, what would I achieve out of making his life hell?

Being bitter. Being a horrible role model for my daughter.

Besides, it’s not in my personality.

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This morning, I seen a post asking if any other women had gave up on dating men and decided to start to date women.

So many of the comments were “EWW” “Hell no!”

Talk about closed-minded and hurtful reactions. I’m pretty sure the person that posted was meaning for it to be a joke – not a funny joke. Besides, can’t just switch sides because you want to.

I am attracted to women. I remember being attracted to girls before I was attracted to guys – talk about being in a state of confusion. I’m trying to raise my daughter to be open minded. I think I’m doing a good job. She’ll see a same sex couple kiss or hold hands and she’ll say “aww.”

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Another post was about starting online dating, but having fears. She talked about being a mom and having a body to prove it. She talked about being afraid no one would like her or she would go on a date with a serial killer.

That is why I put a lot of my personal experiences up here. I want people to see: 1. they are not alone in how they feel; 2. hopefully learn from my mistakes; 3. I heal and move on.

Of course, the healing aspect is slowly happening. But let’s face it, I could – and would – heal even if my blog was private. The learning from my mistakes – I post some personal things on here – personal and sometimes embarrassing. So, hopefully others will take words of advice. For example, the red flags while online dating.

I know we all think we will not make those mistakes, but it happens. For example, I know to have safe sex. I know this! BUT… I have had unprotected sex with a stranger – someone I met online and knew for less than two weeks. DO NOT DO THAT. ha-ha.

I know what red flags to watch for when chatting, yet I ignored them and fell in love with a serial cheater.

So, my words of advice for online dating:

Make a profile. Put recent pictures of yourself. Do not post pictures of your children. List some interests you have. List what you are looking for – fwb, relationship, dating.

Do not give anyone your number. Use texting apps instead. kik is my favorite. You can text, send pictures, and video chat. It is easy to block. I realize there is a dating site for kik – this includes a lot of married individuals. I have never visited the site, but I do find the app very useful.

If you have a bad feeling about someone then block them. Trust your gut.

Watch for red flags!! Seen one woman post screenshots for advice – a guy after only one day of chatting together was calling her “babe” and was wanting to cuddle. THAT IS A RED FLAG — RUN!

Realize online dating is a brutal game. If you are chatting with someone, they are probably chatting with others. Hence, just because you are chatting or even causally dating, does not mean you are in a relationship. I’ve seen women freak out because the guy would not message them on a Friday night after they had been chatting for a week – he was probably on a date. It happens.

Another red flag, if they tell you that you are not allowed to chat with other men while you are chatting with them – RUN! I had one tell me that I was not allowed to chat with any men nor have any male friends. EXCUSE ME? Boy, please. **block**

When you get on the dating sites, there are going to be so many messages. It is natural. You can search for new users and they all smell fresh meat. Just block and keep going.

I do not care if you are depressed or the most out going, ray of sunshine on the planet do not let them see your weakness – they will take that opportunity and run with it. They will find someone who is depressed, lower self-esteem call them beautiful and take advantage of them.

If they only want pictures or talk about your body – block them.

I know, most of this as you are reading through may think: of course, I know this stuff.

It’s different living it. Especially if you’re coming out of a hard divorce/breakup. The attention from someone feels great. You let common sense slip. You let your emotions cloud your mind and your logic.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

Divorce Takes Adjusting

Every day since my divorce I have had to adjust to my new life as a divorced mom. Everyday brings something new. I’m about to be a divorced mom of a teenager girl, that is going to bring new challenges and take some adjusting as well.

I’ve had to adjust to not being with my ex, which the past few days he has been haunting my dreams. I am not sure why. The dreams start off pleasant enough, but end up abusive. One dream was very sexual, but in the dream after ex climaxed he grabbed me and told me that he’d never loved me and then tried to kiss me again. I woke up feeling grossed out.

Again, I’m not sure why he is in my dreams. I haven’t seen nor talked to him more than a few minutes here or there over the past week:

Thursday, he picked up our daughter nothing was really said. Just the typical hi/bye.

Friday, my daughter had cheer practice. Well, the location got moved so I did call ex to make sure he knew where to take her. The girls were practicing for a Saturday performance. On the phone, ex said he’d forgot that he’d had plans for Saturday. I told him that I knew that he had plans – my daughter had told me weeks ago. Ex said that he’d forgot because he has been so stressed out with work – another adjustment, not asking for additional information. I would have used to ask why was he stressed out. Used to, I would had cared why he was stressed out. This time, I didn’t say a word. I just continued conversation by saying that I knew he was taking the youngest of girlfriend’s kids out of town for her birthday. Ex cut me off and said that he was taking everyone, not just the one child. Again, I continued saying what I was going to say. I told ex if he wanted I would be willing to switch days – I take Saturday and he could have Sunday. (In my mind, he could still come and see our daughter cheer at her performance and then on Sunday he could take all of them out of town and do the “family trip” plans.) Ex did not respond. He ignored my offer. Okay, fine by me.

Friday night, my daughter was texting me from girlfriend’s house. She was upset about her room. She sent me some pictures. Another adjustment: trying to comfort my child from whatever location ex has her at. I was telling her the room is going to be awesome once girlfriend’s kid’s stuff is taken out and my daughter gets to make the room “hers.” Again, I am having to make adjustments: being supportive of my child living at girlfriend’s house – I still do not know where she lives. Even though I think ex is making a stupid mistake, I am trying to be supportive for my daughter. Well, during our texting she mentioned that ex was going to switch days with me. Really?!? I told her I didn’t know anything about it.

About five minutes later, I get a text from ex: I’m switching days with you. Sorry about that

Are you kidding me?!? First off, he could not talk to me earlier in the day like a grown man while we were on the phone so we could discuss times and everything. Then – I find out that he told my daughter to tell me because he did not want to text me – he tells me that he is switching days, not asking if the offer was still on the table.

My response: Oh yeah? What times?

Ex replies: 8am until whenever you want me to pick her up.

Again, didn’t ask when would work for me. He told me – typical behavior from him.

I found out 8am because he was still taking the family trip – without my daughter – and they had to be on the road by 8:30.

Me: Alright.

That’s another adjustment – one that I am still fighting, but I guess I need to pick my battles. Ex does not communicate with me. He sends messages through our daughter. He will not talk to me like a grown man. And he is so pussy-whipped that he has to check with girlfriend about everything. That is also the reason he does not communicate with me, girlfriend hates when he has anything to do with me. She has two ex husbands already and does not talk to either of them. She thinks exes should not talk to each other. So, since being with her, ex has the same stupid idea in his head.

Hate to tell them, but ex used to think I was so amazing that he loved me, married me, and had a child with me. We are stuck in each other lives forever because we have a child together. So, grow up people.

Sometimes I wonder if ex still loves me or if he is just playing mind games with me. Last weekend, he came to my house – still dropping off some of my belongings from his house. He stood there and flirted with me.

Another adjustment, one that is so hard: being a supportive role model for my daughter when she talks about her time with ex, girlfriend, and girlfriend’s three kids.

I’m not going to lie – I want to roll my eyes, scoff, and call them both idiots.

I do slip up. The damn “lick a biscuit” I did say that was a stupid saying. Yesterday, my daughter asked if I’d watched a new movie – I haven’t seen it, yet. She said girlfriend said it was a stupid movie – I automatically rolled my eyes and dismissed girlfriend’s opinion. I caught myself after the fact, and said to my daughter that I had not seen it, so I plan on still watching it.

Saturday, I was in shock that ex brought by daughter to my house at 8:15am. He left for the entire day with girlfriend and her kids. He did not watch our daughter’s performance – nor did he ask me for any pictures or anything. Instead, he texted my daughter for about thirty minutes after he dropped her off, trying to get her to come with them instead.

I felt so bad. My daughter wanted to do both. She asked ex to come to the performance and go out of today on Sunday, and he refused. I told my daughter, it was her choice if she wanted to go with him or stay with me and go to her performance.

Another adjustment, hoping that I don’t show my hurt when my daughter has to choose between ex or me. I get he has money. I get he is the Disneyland parent.

My daughter did very well with her performance. She got to play some games, eat a snow cone, and hang out with friends. We watched a few movies and played board games. She got all of her homework done.

I know she had fun. She laughed and smiled.

Then, she would check her phone and her entire disposition would change. She would slump and start to frown.

Found out ex was sending pictures of what they were doing to my daughter. Girlfriend’s kids were posting pictures of their fun “family trip” on social media.

Again, I don’t know how to handle this. I want to text ex and tell him exactly what I think of his behavior. I want to comfort my child and apologize that her father is the way that he is. I want to be in a relationship with an amazing man to show my daughter that all men are not like ex.

Some adjustments are easy to get used to. Others have taken years. Some I am still trying to adjust to.

One, that we all adjusted to fairly quickly were holidays.

I remember the first Christmas that girlfriend was around. I brought my daughter over to ex’s house – my daughter wanted me to watch her open gifts. Ex threw a fit and told me to get out because he thought I would cause drama – he spent more on girlfriend’s kids than his own daughter and he bought girlfriend “better” stuff then he’d ever even dreamed of buying me.

I actually adjusted to splitting holidays fairly well. My family adjusted easily – I’m divorced and I have a sibling that is divorced. So, my family is used to adjusting to schedules – having Christmas early or late depending on when everyone can be there.

I have Christmas early or late depending on when I have my daughter.

One holiday that we do not split – we celebrate together – is our daughter’s birthday. That in itself takes some adjusting. Ex brings girlfriend’s kids – but not girlfriend – it stings. It is a slap to the face to me.

Honestly, if he brought the teenagers, I would not care – I have not had an issues with those two girls personally. My daughter seems to get along very well with them. But the third child, that is the one that causes issues.

I still get sad remembering the conversation between the two of us when we were married and thinking about having a second child. Ex told me he didn’t want any more children because he did not want to take a chance of having another girl and having to deal with all the drama and hormones. Now, he plays “dad” to three girls – not counting our child. It still brings tears. Why does he get the family that I wanted? Why am I probably going to die a single, cat lady? (Okay, I’m not to that point… yet). It is still depressing though.

Ironic?

Yesterday I wrote about forgiving.

I weighed the pros and cons of forgiving my ex. I thought about what I need to forgive him for. I thought about maybe if I forgive then my life would seem to get better – maybe karma would not target me for having such negative thoughts towards my ex.

Anyone that has been reading and following my posts knows that ex sold his house – he actually closed last week – and is in the process of moving in with girlfriend, which I personally think is a mistake – but sadly I have no say in the matter. I just really worry about my daughter. Ex will still not tell me where girlfriend lives.

Ex wanted to move in with girlfriend years ago, but she said “no” and that they had to get married first.

Well, I wonder what changed.

They are not getting married – they’re not even engaged. Girlfriend cannot get pregnant – so not like she can “trap” ex. Which ex told me years ago that he was glad she couldn’t get pregnant that was one reason he was with her. He has also told me that he never plans on getting married again. Girlfriend has been married twice already. He has never really spoke highly of girlfriend around me – he’s told me how easy she is and how she’s “been around” (his actual words).

So, why is she allowing him to move into her house now?

Because she isn’t stupid, of course. Ex already pays the bills there – including upgrading TV and internet. He buys the food. He cooks and cleans. He babysits the kids. He bought a new vehicle for her.

I wonder what his plan is when she gets mad and breaks up with him, again (I know of a couple of times that they have already broke up). Anyway, that’s not the ironic aspect of the situation. I don’t care about their relationship. I know what ex is like. I care about my kid. I want the best situation for her.

So, ironic… me talking about forgiving ex and then this happens:

So, ex closed on the house, which he isn’t showing any emotion to the situation. My daughter is actually sad about it. That was the house we brought her home from the hospital to; that is the house she has lived in for almost thirteen years.

Anyway, so ex brought my stuff to me that was still in the house – I moved into a much smaller house and we were still together, so there was no reason to haul everything to my house when we first got divorced. Then as the years went by, it was items I no longer needed. I’d lived without them, so why bother with them now. Or they were things ex had given to me while we were a couple. I gave my daughter a lot of things, the rest was laid to rest in the trash.

He apparently is giving all the furniture and appliances to his family. Honestly, I wouldn’t had minded getting the washer and a couch – he has three couches, I could have gotten one, ha-ha. Well, my daughter – sweet girl – thinking of her mom, said to ex that I might want his refrigerator (why she would think that, not a clue. lol. I bought a new refrigerator last year). Apparently ex told her if I wanted the frig then he would SELL it to me.

What?!? Has he lost his bloody mind!!

He is going to SELL the refrigerator to me? That refrigerator that was in the fucking house when we bought it THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. HA. Fucking asshole!!

I got a good laugh out of that. I know my ex is a tool. That is just more proof. He would not give me something that he no longer needs. He would not give me something that our daughter could use. But instead he would try to make a profit off of it. I struggle with money and he would take an opportunity to take money from me – from our daughter. That is money that could go to bills or food.

Yep, I know I need to forgive him. It is so hard to forgive when every time I deal with him there is something like that happening.

Oh, and I might have to have a talk with him about girlfriend’s choice of phrases… Apparently, her favorite phrase is to “lick a biscuit.”

Okay, I haven’t had sex since April of this year. My mind went to the gutter right away when my daughter said that phrase yesterday. WHAT?! Please, don’t say things like that around my kid!!

Luckily, my daughter thought the phrase was annoying and stupid. She just said it because she said she was tired of hearing that phrase – guess girlfriend said it a lot over the weekend.

Curious, I asked what context it was used: Apparently, girlfriend got bitchy about something and then apologized that the diet was making her crabby and she just needed to lick a biscuit. (Hmm… could still mean something dirty. ha-ha)

“I Give Up”

Not going to lie, I had some horrible thoughts last night.

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. Actually, it was a fairly typical Monday. After school, my daughter had cheer practice and then a cooking class. So, it was late by the time we got home.

I went into the kitchen to pack her lunch for school for the next day. Went to wash my hands… nothing. Shit! We have no water!!

Of course, I tried each tap in the house. Still nothing. I walked around the house – inside and outside – listening for leaks. Nothing. I looked at the water heater. Didn’t see a puddle of water or anything.

By this time, I’m panicking. What am I going to do?!? We can not NOT have water!!

Now, if I was still married I would have a guy around to help with this situation. haha.

I’m thinking, okay if it is the water heater there is no money to buy a new one. How am I going to manage that? What if I need to hire a plumber?

Of course, I am trying to think of what bills I could avoid paying for a month or two and risk late fees and final notices. I’m trying to think of what I might be able to pawn for some quick cash. I have my wedding ring set – which has been in my family for several generations – that is probably the only thing of value I own. Could I really pawn it? I’m thinking maybe I could beg ex or my parents for some money. Maybe I could go to the bank and ask for a personal loan – but, seriously,¬† would a bank give me a loan right now. I think to myself, if I was thinner and prettier I could easily find a sugar daddy and get some quick cash for this mess.

All of these thoughts are really starting to affect me! I went to bed – still having no water – and trying to figure out what I was going to do. A really scary thought popped into my head, if I don’t get water then I am not providing a safe environment for my daughter. CPS would take her from me. This thought really pushes my depression and anxiety over the edge. “I give up.” I cannot handle this. Every time I jump a hurdle, another one appears.

Panic and stress fuel the suicidal thoughts. Sleep was absolutely impossible last night.

About 2am, I’m still wide awake. I get on my phone. Scrolling on social media, I see a beautiful post – another person with the same water company, asking if anyone else is without water. I huge sigh of relief spills over me.

I was able to get maybe thirty minutes of much needed sleep last night. Hopefully, the water will be back on today.

It’s crazy how quickly anxiety and depression can take over. Those that do not have anxiety and don’t understand it would probably think – you really went overboard very quickly. That is how anxiety works. It takes over and a million thoughts raced at once. You feel overwhelmed. Then depressed because you feel powerless in your own life.

Just really glad it’s not an issue that is going to cost me any money – this time…

One step forward, Two steps back

One step forward, and two steps back… That’s how I feel my healing progress is going.

Tuesday I felt so successful – I’d talked to ex about girlfriend not having a picture of my daughter (you can go and read my post titled “Success.”), and explained to ex that it hurt my daughter’s feelings that girlfriend did not have a picture. I even offered to buy a frame and a picture to give to girlfriend.

Then yesterday, all my success came crashing down around me. I found myself worrying what the hell did I do wrong? Why does ex get rewarded and I get punished?

I was loyal during our marriage. He cheated. Now, I’m single with no prospects of even getting a date, much less having a relationship. He has been with girlfriend off and on for three years. Granted, I don’t want their relationship (I was with ex for fifteen years, so I do know how he is), but at least he has someone to spend time with, have sex with, and to be with.

Girlfriend’s birthday was Tuesday. He told my daughter he felt horrible and that he was a “bad boyfriend” because he did not send girlfriend flowers to work. WHAT?!? In the fifteen years I was with him, I NEVER received flowers at work. Hell, I really don’t remember too many gifts for my birthday (which money spent was not important. I didn’t want gifts. I wanted his time. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to put his damn phone down – from texting other women – and be with me). Plus, he took my daughter to the store and made her help him pick girlfriend out some gifts – apparently spent well over $100 (again, my daughter complained because ex doesn’t spend that much on my daughter for her birthday). My daughter complained to me that she had to find the correct perfume because ex doesn’t know what girlfriend likes.

I heard all of this from my daughter. So, honestly there was some hurt (Okay, a lot of hurt — is girlfriend that much better than I am? If so, then what the hell is wrong with me? I get I have dealt with abuse and have depression as a result of the abuse. So, does that mean no one is able to love and care for someone with a past consisting of abuse? Does that mean if you have anxiety and depression then you are not worth the love and affection of others?). He feels guilty for being a bad boyfriend, but no remorse for being a bad husband or father? Seriously??

It continued to get worse. I found out that ex and my mom have been calling and texting each other. Really? My mom hated ex during our entire relationship, and now they’re friends. What the hell did I miss? Once again, why am I being punished? Ex was abusive in our relationship. We did not go visit families, he refused. Now, he is all about his family, and girlfriend’s family. Now, he is all about my family, too? My family doesn’t even call or attempt to visit me. I have to make the effort. Then it ends up being a horrible situation.

No, the failure continues.

Ex pays half of the state minimum child support that was based on his income five years ago. I agreed to it because I thought he would help out when our daughter needed something extra. Ex is full time military now. He makes good money. I have not taken him back to court to change child support. I should, I know. But I am not after his money (despite what people say and think). But it hurts that I struggle every month and he has money to burn. He complains that he has to buy our daughter stuff – school supplies, clothes. He complains to our daughter even! However, he gladly spends money on girlfriend and her three kids.

Next bit of jealously… Ex bought a third – yes a THIRD – vehicle. Seriously? I have a piece of shit car that I can’t rely on. It is definitely my money pit. Why am I being punished? Why is the universe mocking me? What life lesson do I need to learn to get over all of this hurdles?

My night ended with ex picking up my daughter from my house… in his new vehicle… with his girlfriend. Really? I am not allowed to know where she lives, but he constantly brings her to my house. I really just want to know where she lives because ex sleeps there with my daughter all of the time. What if something happens and I have to get my daughter? I don’t have a clue where to go.

After a day like that, I have to ask myself why am I being punished? When will the universe give me a break?

Then the thought of maybe I should have not failed my suicide attempt years ago. I try to be positive and I know my daughter needs me. But this divorced, single mom life sucks and is difficult.

I knew it would be hard. I had no idea that five years later it would still be this much of a struggle.