Feeling Odd

Don’t know how to explain it other than: I feel unmotivated. I feel lost. I feel unwanted. I feel like I am failing.

I know it is stress, and probably a little depression.

I use music to help mentally. I was in the mood for something heavy. I could not find a song to satisfy me. I even listened to a specific death metal band – on a normal day, I would not be able to listen to because I can not understand the lyrics and they give me a horrible headache. This time, no. The lyrics were clear. They were not heavy enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of death metal, and black metal – but this certain band I CANNOT STAND, but this time they were tame.

Online dating for the past few days, has been a complete joke. Pervs, sugar daddy’s, married men, and absolute losers are all that message. I really wonder if there is a good guy online – single, intelligent, good heart, great father, has a career.

I’ve become a tad addicted to painting here lately. I am getting better. I know if I had fine tip brushes or paint pens my lines and details would be even more amazing. I also know if I had access to rocks about palm size or larger, I would be able to do incredible images. My daughter thinks I should try selling them. I am really considering it. I have some great ideas. I don’t know if anyone would buy. I see painted rocks for sell online, so I assume there is a market for them. Then it’s the issue of coming up with the supplies – rocks, packaging, etc.

I will continue to practice and perfect my skills. I will continue to save and attempt to sell them. I think it is a good, healthy hobby. My daughter also paints with me – she is amazing. Her rocks are beautiful. She actually steals the largest rocks to paint for herself – haha.

Thank you… and Kindness Rocks

Thank You

First off, I want to thank each of you for reading my blog. I was surprised to see 50 people follow me now. I really want to thank those who comment on my posts, too (Think I am caught up on reading and responding to comments).

When I started this blog I really did not expect anyone to show any interest in my journey. I thought of it more as my online journal – something for me to read and reflect on for better self healing and self growth. I made up a name, and found some clip art so I could freely talk about my life. I could talk about and reflect over some risque and really tough issues – depression, anxiety, sex, divorce, self-injury, eating disorders, online dating, co-parenting, suicide. These are thoughts, feelings, and experiences that most people in my life do not even know about.

My parents and my closest friends, for example, do not know I self-injured starting when I was 9. They do not know I was raped at 16. They do not know I pulled a knife on a family friend when I was 17 because this grown man tried to force himself on me. They do not know about my failed suicide attempts. They do not know about the depression that my divorce caused.

My ex-husband knows a lot about me, all of the previously mentioned. He was my best friend. There was one thing I could never tell him… the day of our wedding, I almost left him at the alter. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was making a mistake. I would have ran, but my dad was standing right there waiting to walk me down the aisle. I stayed. I got married. After the ceremony, I found a room where no one was and I fell to the floor and cried so hard that I could not speak. My photographer and groom found me. The photographer told him many brides get emotional. I didn’t say anything.

So, I use this blog as a safe outlet. I can write and cry, if needed. I can relive situations and reflect. So, again, thank you for reading and commenting. It is wonderful support.

Kindness Rocks

I’ve mentioned kindness rocks in my previous posts. For those who are not familiar with the idea: Kindness rocks are where you decorate a rock (I’ve seen painted, temporary tattoos, vinyl, even stickers). You place the rock in a location for a random stranger to find. It is supposed to bring a smile and some happiness to someone. After they find the rock they can either hide that rock for someone else to find, or they can keep it and decorate another rock to hide. The idea is to always have rocks out there for someone to find.

I got into kindness rocks a year ago. It gave my daughter and I something to do, and it is fairly cheap (Just have to find rocks, and buy what ever decorations you want to use. Then the cost of gas to drive around).

My daughter has always loved rocks. In preschool, she would find a pretty rock on the playground and put it in her pocket to bring home. Some days I would forget to check her pockets then I would find rocks in my washer and/or dryer. A few years ago, I took her to a location where we dug for crystals. We found some big, gorgeous crystals. Then these painted rocks were just more to add to her collection.

Most of the time when I paint, I have to paint two. One is for her to keep and one is for her to hide. I used to not do it like that, but she was so broken-hearted having to give up rocks that she really liked that I had painted. She knew it made someone else happy, but she still wanted that same feeling. I understand. So, I paint for her and for us to hide. Yesterday, I painted two for her. 1. Ghostface from the move Scream. 2. A cheerleading themed rock. She loved them!! I didn’t paint any additional ones – we currently have about 20 that need to be hidden. It’s rained for about a week, plus we had a tornado (we are safe. no damage). So, we will hide them sometime in the future.

I found a group online that does Kindness Rocks Pals – kind of like a pen pal, but instead of sending letters you send a kindness rock. I think this will be a wonderful thing for us. There is a place to ask for rocks as a gift (anniversary, birthday, graduation, support during a difficult time). I put in two requests. 1. For my dad – or family in general – his father is getting worse. It is only a matter of time. My dad lost his mother to cancer about 27 years ago. Now, his father is slowly losing his battle to cancer. 2. For my daughter’s 13th birthday. **If  any rocks come to us as gifts, I will post pictures or reactions**

Where I live there is a group that does the kindness rocks. However, there is some negativity amongst this group. Often certain people will hide rocks – and I mean “HIDE” rocks in locations that no one will ever be able to find. Then they get angry and post their anger when the rocks are “found” and no one ever posts about finding the rocks.

Yes, I like the idea of making some rocks harder to find. It is fun to have this game of hide and seek with rocks. Almost a challenging game of I Spy. You have a picture – limited detail in the picture usually – of a location and you have to use your memory, observation skills, and pure dumb luck to find these rocks. But it’s fun. My daughter will take my phone and screen shot some of these pictures. It might be weeks later and we’ll drive by and be like that’s where that one rock was hidden! Sometimes it is still there, sometimes it’s not.

However, the posts about people not posting that they found the rock is uncalled for. Yes, there have been many rocks that my daughter and I have painted (I try to take a picture of EVERY rock we paint before we hide it) and we never see anything about it again. I would like to know the rocks found a good home, brought a smile to someone, shared some kindness. I would like to know if they loved the rock so much that they had to keep it, or if they decided to hide it for someone else. But, that’s not what is important. I did something fun and creative, and nice with my daughter. She is about to be a teenager. I want every opportunity I get to do something fun with her, and to teach her to think about others.

**If anyone does kindness rocks, feel free to post any tips/tricks you use for your rocks**

Turning negative into positive.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe July 4th for my American followers.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day with a horrible migraine. I still feel horrible today, but still have to go to work to make money and pay the bills. Since I didn’t feel great yesterday, I had no plans of doing anything for the holiday.

My daughter was on her phone, and she started crying. I asked her what was going on. She said her dad had texted her. So, of course since she was upset I wanted to know what was said. Apparently, he’d sent her a text telling her that he had gave his girlfriend some money to buy fireworks – he is deployed and he loves shooting off fireworks. I thought my daughter was upset that we did not have any fireworks to shoot off too. I told her we could go to town and buy a few fireworks – granted buying fireworks was not in the budget, but I could make it work. She said she wasn’t upset about the fireworks. She was upset that ex gives girlfriend and her kids money for fun stuff, but not us.

We then went to town. I asked her again if she would like to buy some fireworks; she still said no. I found a place in town and contacted them about my daughter and I volunteering at – she is very excited to do some more community service. Then we went to the park and went rock hunting – my community does the kindness rocks. We didn’t find any, but at least we had fun and kept up with our exercising.