Court Date Changed

This week, so far, has been challenging. I was driving to work and my car lost acceleration and had the error “engine power reduced” start flashing. So, almost got into an accident because of that.

The guy that killed dad had a pretrial hearing. I was unable to go to it because of work and car issues. Mom said the guy walked into the court room like he was king of the world. His lawyer told the judge they would not be ready for the set court date and asked for an extension. The judge gave a new court date.

A fear I have is, just because this guy has money, he is going to get away with killing dad.

I do know my depression medication is helping. I was able to talk to someone about what happened to dad – I did feel the sting of tears and I did hear my voice crack, but I did not break down. I have been debating with myself if I made the right choice of not viewing his body – which, I think I did but sometimes I do wonder if it was the right choice.

 

 

Hard Day

It’s been really tough the past couple of days. I really miss my dad. I look at pictures and relive the day of his death over and over. I have fought back tears for two days. I feel so alone. I want to talk about him. There’s no one to talk to. If I talk to my mom about him she starts crying. I want a sign that he is still around and watching over us.

I just think about everything I should have done and said. I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. Small things like never getting a text from him again, or never talking with him. To bigger things like when I get married, he won’t be there. I won’t have him to walk me down the aisle. I will never get to have a daughter/dad dance. I didn’t get to at my first wedding either. I always told myself I would dance with my dad at my next wedding.

I was chatting with a couple of people about ghosting – and other “joys” of online dating. One sent me a song – Make Him Wait. I started to listen to the song and had to turn it off. It talked about making the date wait at the door to meet your dad. Another part talked about dad walking you down the aisle on your wedding day.

I’m sure the tough days are normal. I am stretched so thin these days. I am working several hours with all three jobs. Sleep is a joke these days.

I switched medication for my depression. The first medication made me so tired. So, the doctor switched me to something to give me more energy. I guess I’m still adjusting to it. I sleep maybe three hours and then I’m up.

Loneliness

The other day my mom called me. She was watching the news and there was a car accident where I lived. So, she was calling to make sure it wasn’t me in the accident.

During our conversation, I could tell when her mood changed. It went from talking about good and pleasant things to depression and loneliness.

She asked me “how do you deal with the loneliness?”

Keep in mind that my mom married my dad when she was 16. She’d been with him for 35 years. This “loneliness” is a brand new life for her.

I remember dealing with the loneliness when I first stopped seeing my ex-husband. Days that he had our daughter, I spent hours staring at a wall. Sitting in the dark. Crying. Not functioning. Completely lost.

Everyone expected me to be fine. I was the one that filed for divorce. I should have been fine with the outcome. The loneliness.

I knew my mom wanted an answer. I did my best. I responded “You learn to live with the new normal.” Dad is never coming back. As hard as it is to think about, it is true. We can not go back into time and prevent his death.

That was the best I could describe it. I understand she is lonely. I understand she lost her soul mate. I never imaged that I would be the one having to comfort and give my mom knowledge about hard life lessons.

Now, I’m not going to lie… the loneliness is hard. But the truth is you adapt. You seriously do learn how to live in the new normal. You find things to keep your self busy. You find people to talk to. You enjoy your time with yourself.

The truth is, I’m not lonely anymore. I enjoy my me time. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m not trying very hard to find one. I don’t mind being alone.

Survived Christmas

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Yesterday was the first Christmas without my dad. It did not feel like Christmas, at all.

On Christmas eve, my daughter was with ex. I tried to keep my mind busy with social media – horrible idea. I cried so much. Christmas morning I cried even more.

Ex brought my daughter home on time – a Christmas miracle.

She’d forgot her memorial necklace at girlfriend’s house. So, I had to drive her over there. This was the second time I’d ever been there. First time during the day. I am not impressed by the house. It looked even worse in the sunlight.

But, I still hate that ex gets a relationship and I am single.

I drove to my parents’ house. Almost got into a wreck. Another driver was texting and came into my lane of traffic. I swerved and they corrected themselves.

Christmas at my parents’ house just felt like any other day. That magic and Christmas spirit was gone. Christmas was dad’s favorite holiday.

We ate. Opened gifts. Visited. But, dad was missing.

We went to the cemetery. That was the first time I’d been there since the funeral. I really did not know what to expect. Tears? Anger? Joy?

I felt a calming over me at my dad’s grave. My daughter and I placed some more flowers – even though all of the flowers from the funeral were still there and looking amazing. We also placed a Santa Claus there for dad. We took pictures – all of us. I wished I lived closer so I could visit his grave more often…

We went to my grandfather’s house afterwards. He has stage 4 cancer. He doesn’t remember much. It was another obstacle of the day.

We got home and played a board game.

Then, almost bedtime and my daughter completely breaks down. She regrets not getting to tell my dad goodbye. Regrets not making her deviled eggs for him. She regrets not spending more time with him. She can’t remember his voice, or his laugh. She can’t remember too many memories of him.

I want her to grieve. I want her to keep my dad’s memory alive. But, I want her to be happy. I want to find the words to comfort her. The words are not there, because I share her regrets and feelings. I tried my best to comfort her. I told her stories of my dad. I told her to go ahead and talk to him; he is listening.

Believe in ghosts or not. My dad is around us. The other day, I went to the store and items fell of the shelves without anyone touching them. Multiple times. Then yesterday, middle child and I both see him walk through the kitchen.

Fighting Back Tears

The past couple of days has been difficult. Christmas is tomorrow and so everyone is talking about getting to see their loved ones. I just cry knowing I’m not going to see dad this Christmas.

My daughter and I bought some flowers and a Santa Claus to put on dad’s grave tomorrow. I fought back tears looking for something. He would love it.

My daughter made deviled eggs. A tradition that I passed down to her because my dad loved my deviled eggs so much.

I ordered some ornaments personalized with dad’s pictures online. They were supposed to be shipped to the store. They were supposed to be there this past week. I have been to the store twice, and they are still not there. The worker called headquarters. They came back with the information that either my stuff will be there the next day or never at all. I was so confused. I asked never? They said, no. It will be marked lost in transit. I fought back tears again. The permanent aspect of the situation and the coldness from the person was a bitter reminder of dad’s death. He is gone forever. People expect me to be over it and moved on. This was just another hurtful reminder of the situation.

Next hurtful event… I was chatting with mom, which we do talk a lot more now since dad’s death. But she told me there’s a man messaging her. I was a little taken back. What? I was a little upset. I mean, yes, eventually I do expect her to date and be happy. Maybe even get married. BUT, three weeks and already chatting with someone?!? I know loneliness and depression makes you do stupid things. Trust me, I have learned that lesson from my divorce. She thinks the guy is just being friendly. She said he has actually made a move.

James might not make the cut. The conversation continued yesterday, and I have to trust my gut. I ignored red flags with the serial cheater. I am not going to continue to ignored red flags. So, I guess I’m back to just seeing if anyone interesting comes along.

Finally, I went ahead and had Christmas with my kiddo yesterday. She opened all of her gifts. She was so excited. She goes back to ex’s for Christmas eve and then we have to go out of town for Christmas day. So, I figured having Christmas on Christmas eve eve would be a great idea.

Take the Picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Hard to believe, I know. This year is going to be insanely hard not having my dad here. I still can’t believe he is gone. I guess I still expect to get a text or a call from him. I expect to drive to my parents’ house for Christmas and see my dad sitting in his chair watching some educational program. I have to keep telling myself, and reminding myself that dad is gone.

Ironically, when I got divorced I told myself in five years I will be better off. Things will work out for the better. Well, it is five years down the road. I’m still single. Not even chatting with anyone. I still struggle with money. My ex is engaged. My dad is gone. My family is falling apart. Maybe next year will be better…

Last night I did something very difficult. I went through my photos, including watching the slideshow that played at my dad’s funeral. I cried the whole time. He was so happy in every picture. He loved life. I spent hours putting the pictures together into a photo book – I am having it printed online as a hardback full color book. It is sized 5×7 and has over 40 pages. Some pages have one picture. Some pages have seven pictures. I wanted all the pictures of my dad. I want more pictures, there would never be enough pictures…

I noticed a pattern over the years. In the beginning of my marriage, there were more family pictures. As my marriage started going down hill, there were less pictures of my family. My ex hated driving to our families houses. Then after my divorce, I lied to my family for two years. They didn’t know I was still sleeping with my ex. I didn’t know I was still wanting to be with him.

The past three years, I have struggled with money. My car has been a piece of shit. My dad’s health was getting worse. All of these factors made it where we seen each other less and less. I was only driving down maybe three to five times a year. They never drove up to see us. This year, 2018, was a horrible year. Things never worked out like they were supposed to. I don’t have a single picture of my dad from 2018 – that I took. There is not a single picture of my dad with me nor my daughter from 2018.

So, my words of advice: Take the picture.

I don’t care if you are fighting or upset. I don’t care if you just rolled out of bed. I don’t care if you suffer from depression and haven’t brushed your hair in three days. I don’t care if you want to lose weight.

Doesn’t matter!!

Take the picture. Be in the moment. Don’t take for granted that you will get to see your loved ones next week, next month, or even next year. Because you never know.

This year it is going to be hard to take the picture. There is going to be a missing piece, forever – my dad. I don’t know what drama the holiday will bring – drama within my family or drama with my ex.

But, bottom line is we’re going to have to continue on. We’re going to have to turn to each other for support. We’re going to have to live life like my dad lived his – happy, compassionate, and always smiling. He was always ready to take the picture.

Torture

Past couple of days have been torture. I still cry when I think about what happened. I still cry when I see his pictures. I still cry when I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. But it’s like I am torturing myself now. I am thinking about things that I can not change. I am wishing I’d called more, texted more, visited more. Remember the series Quantum Leap? I’m wishing life was like that and Sam would leap into our life and keep my dad here. My mom posted something about she wished they’d took a sick day that day then dad would still be here. We all are torturing ourselves right now, I guess. Then I think, maybe things happened exactly how they were supposed to. If my dad hadn’t been the car that man hit, then he would have hit the car that rear-ended dad. So, the man would have killed someone else. He would have destroyed another family. Maybe that person just had a baby or recently married. So, maybe dad saved another person. Saved another family. My family are fighters. We are ready for the fight it is going to take to put this guy away. There are going to be multiple lawsuits dealing with insurance and money. Plus, there are going to two separate criminal charges. This fight is going to take up to three years. I know my family is ready for this heartbreaking challenge.

I found a necklace that I ordered for myself. My daughter told ex about a necklace that she wanted. Ex asked her if it was a gift for me. She said no. Ex told her that in that case it could wait. He said he would “maybe get it. Sometime. lol” That is not funny! How dare he behave like that! He apparently never even asked my daughter how she was during the entire time she was over there. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. He is a “good dad” to girlfriend’s kids. My daughter pays the price. She had to go to their basketball games all weekend, and she got none of her homework done. How can this be okay?

So, I bought her the necklace. I helped her with her homework.

Ex is fucking up. I am tired of cleaning up his mess with our daughter.

Yesterday was my daughter’s band concert. Ex asked her if she was singing at the Christmas concert. – I don’t know if he thought she was in choir, or if he was trying to be funny. But it really annoyed my daughter.

The concert was hard. I’d invited my parents to come a few weeks ago. They were planning on coming. No one planned on dad being gone. I sat alone. Surrounded by all these couples and families. I fought back tears. Ex brought girlfriend and her kids. I fought back anger. Girlfriend texted my daughter during the concert. WHAT THE HELL? Why is she now trying to be friends with my daughter. Why didn’t she make an offer four years ago when ex was screwing both of us?!?

After the concert, we went out to eat. Of course, they were there too. Luckily, I didn’t have to look at them.

Move On

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I know death makes people nervous and they say stupid things.

It’s interesting, up until dad’s funeral, people were posting support and likes on pictures (not only my page, but on mom’s page. Some even posted on their pages). However, after Tuesday, it’s different. It’s almost like I get the message: You’ve had the funeral. You’ve mourned. It’s time to move on.

Since then, I have received no messages: Are you okay? Thinking of you.

Nothing.

That’s one amazing thing about the support group that I’ve found online. They get it!! There’s some that lost a parent fifteen years ago and will still have hard days.

I felt the need to call mom yesterday. I guess good timing. She was really upset. Yesterday was a hard day for all of us, I think. But I found out the guy was on Meth when he killed dad. He has been arrested two times in the past week, but he keeps getting out on bail. It is so hard not to have pure hatred for this guy. It’s hard not to say: THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LEARNED NOTHING! HE THINKS HE IS ABOVE THE LAW. HE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL HE KILLS SOMEONE ELSE.

I found a necklace that I ordered. I got it engraved (which was included in the price): It will say “Dad” and have the dates on it, and the back says “Always in my Heart.” (I wanted “Forever in my Heart” but it was one character too long).

One Week Ago

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At 7:30am will be one week since my dad was killed. I’m feeling extremely numb today. I wanted to call into work for the day off, but I’m hoping work will keep me distracted and focused on something else.

Last night was the first night I was alone. My daughter went to ex’s for the weekend. I did pretty good, until I was scrolling on social media and I seen my mom had posted a picture of my dad. The first time I saw this photo was at the funeral. It was one of the last pictures taken of him. He was a groundskeeper for the school. The photo is of him on his mower. In his hand is his iPod. He is smiling, as always. At the funeral, this photo made me laugh. Dad loved being outside. He loved his job. He loved music. That was him. Last night, I saw the photo and I lost it. Tears poured down my cheeks. I wanted to call someone to talk, but I’m feeling like a burden on people. I feel like people are expecting me to shut up and move on. Yesterday I was talking to someone and she told me I’ve “been talking a lot.” That comment stuck with me. I don’t know if she meant it as a positive or a negative. I mean positive because I am talking about what happened. I’m not bottling up my emotions. Or, negative that she is tired of hearing from me because I have seen and talked with her every day this week. Even my posts on here have had less views, likes, and comments ever since this has happened.

I know death makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to make people to feel like that. But, on the opposite side I need someone to talk to and to listen to me.

Another part of me feels guilty when I don’t think about my dad. I tried watching a movie last night. I felt guilty for not thinking about dad. I felt like this horrible person. Then I think about all the days I went without calling or texting my dad. I feel like a horrible daughter. I feel like I should have done more. I should have stayed in contact more.

I thought I had more time with my dad. I imagined him getting to see me get remarried and having more kids. I always imagined him getting to meet his great-grandchildren. I never imagined this is how life would turn out.

Still Crying

I’m having moments were I’m doing okay. I looked at some pictures of my dad – had to pick some out for the slideshow – and I was able to laugh and smile. I shared them on my social media. My mom called me yesterday afternoon (about 2:30) and asked if I wanted to drive down. I went ahead and drove down. It was hard. A couple of people were there helping with funeral details.

The funeral has to be a closed casket because there was just too much damage done. However, during family visitation today the casket will be open. I can’t. I can’t see him like that. I don’t want the last memories I have of my dad to see how badly he looked. So, I have decided not to go to visitation. I hope I’m making the right decision. I already have so many regrets during this situation, I don’t want not going to visitation to be another regret.

Found out the guy that hit him head on had received a speeding ticket the day before the accident. He was clocked doing 102mph. He apparently threw the ticket in the ditch.

My daughter cried most of the way home last night. She shares many of the same regrets that I do (not telling him goodbye at Thanksgiving. deleting all of his texts, without knowing we would never receive another text from him. not making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving.) I explained is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to talk about my dad, to tell stories, to remember him.

One regret I’m really starting to have is inviting my ex to the funeral. I went back and forth of what I should do. It would be nice to have him there to help with our daughter. My dad did not like him. I don’t want any drama from ex, that’s for sure!

I found out some more funeral details. I kind of want to take pictures. Is that tacky? I want pictures – there is going to be a bagpipe player (one request I remember my dad made over and over, ever since I was a young child), and he was a firefighter so the firefighters are going to do a last call (I think is what it is called. right now I struggle thinking of the correct words). But the funeral is going to be gorgeous. There are going to be so many people. My dad was so well liked and loved by everyone. He had this smile that made you smile.

(I plan on writing a post about my dad. I just need more time to find the words and my thoughts.)

I still have a voicemail on my phone – it is from my mom on Friday. I know it was when she was at the hospital. I have not listened to it. I can not bring myself to listen to it. The middle child was there when she left the voicemail. He told me not to listen to it, ever.

Oh, about inviting ex to the funeral. There is not going to be a family car available to drive us to the cemetery. I know I am going to need to ride with someone. I know I will be able to drive back home, but I will need a ride so I do not have to think about driving at that moment. I asked ex if he was coming to the funeral. He said “yeah, probably.” I asked if my daughter and I could ride with him to the cemetery. He refused. I was so mad. I wanted to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that I don’t want him back. I just want a ride from the funeral home to the cemetery. Maybe I should un-invite him.