My dad’s funeral is going to be Tuesday.

Typing those words is so insane. I still can not believe my dad is gone. I can not believe I will never seen his smile or get to chat with him ever again.

Friday, when I went with my brother to get the things out of the car, I asked my brother if he thought it would be a closed casket. I seen the damage to the car. I could only imagine what condition my dad’s body was in. My brother figured it would be an open casket.

I found out yesterday, dad’s funeral has to be a close casket. I fell apart again. I try to stop crying, but I can’t. I did remember to eat yesterday. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours. I’m still working and still taking my daughter to all of her activities. I want to keep functioning.

I have welcomed hugs from anyone willing to let me cry on their shoulder.

Since the funeral is closed casket, we are going to have a slideshow. I am so heartbroken. I do not have a single photo of my dad from 2018. Not one!

We always do a family photo on Mother’s Day. Well, this year I went to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, we did not do a photo. I was so tired and didn’t feel well. Then, we usually do a picture on Thanksgiving. I didn’t even get to tell my dad goodbye or give him a hug. He was so focused on mom. I have the regret of not telling him goodbye. I took for granted that I would see him on Christmas. Earlier last month, I deleted all the texts in my phone. I do that every few months to clear up space. I didn’t know I was deleting the last messages I will ever receive from my dad. I regret that so much.

I think about everything my dad is going to miss – My daughter turning 13 in a few weeks, for example. I break down again.

I invited ex to the funeral. I don’t know if that was the right choice or not, but I may fall apart. I may need help with our daughter. If he will be there and be supportive then I want him there. My dad did not like ex, but my dad would want my daughter and me to be happy and okay. I also know, if it was one of ex’s parents I would be at the funeral for him and my daughter.


Missing My Dad

I’m still in shock that he is gone. I haven’t really stopped crying. I forgot to eat for 24 hours. When I finally ate, I got so sick. I had my ex to help me tell our daughter. All three of us cried in the parking lot.

I took off work yesterday to go down to be with my mom and siblings. I went to get all the personal stuff out of the car. I threw up. I completely broke down seeing the sight of the car, and all his blood.

He was killed on impact. One driver hit him head on (police said this driver tested positive for drugs) and another driver (who was following way too close) ran into the back of the car. I’m glad he did not suffer.

I hate that Thanksgiving was the last time I will ever get to see my dad. And that visit wasn’t that good. I wish I could go back and hug him and tell him how much I love him.

People are asking me what they can do to help. I don’t know. I want my dad back. I want to talk to him again. I want a box of tissues and a hug from anyone, honestly!!

I am walking a fine line of how much do I allow myself to grief and how strong do I have to be for my daughter and the family. I forced myself to cook dinner last night. Neither of us ate more than a few bites. I almost wonder if it would be tacky if I asked all these people asking what they can do to help, if I asked them to bring food/dishes over that I could just heat in the microwave.