Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Less Jealous… For Now.

My daughter came home yesterday from time with ex. She said she seen the engagement ring – that it was insanely big with multiple diamonds (Yes, I didn’t expect anything less) – and she seen their engagement announcement picture. It was ex’s military name badge with girlfriend’s hand with the ring on it and said: He stole my heart. I stole his name. My daughter said apparently their wedding bands are coming in the mail this week. Uh-oh. So, does that mean they are getting married right away? Um, red flag? lol. I’m still worried what will happen with ex supporting our daughter financially when they get married. I’m worried that girlfriend is going to weasel her way in and get all of the military benefits and my daughter will get nothing.

Ex didn’t tell my daughter about the engagement. Apparently, he didn’t tell his parents either. So, his mom was so angry when she found out through social media without it actually coming from ex. So, is ex ashamed? Why wouldn’t he want to tell anyone?

Apparently, ex’s parents don’t like girlfriend as much as I thought. I also think it is insane because girlfriend has not helped ex move things out of his house – everything had to be gone by last weekend. She has not got her kid’s stuff out of my daughter’s room at her house. Does that mean she really doesn’t want them to move in? Or, she just doesn’t want my daughter there? Oh, and girlfriend would not go over to help ex pack stuff, but she sent her friend over there to help. Um, a spy? Another red flag, guys.

What is worse, ex always buys stuff for girlfriend’s kids. Well, the other day when he popped the question, girlfriend bought her kids shirts and bought my daughter NOTHING. Really?!? This is the STEP-MOTHER ex wants for our daughter?!?!

The best story though, ex’s mom gave girlfriend some of her old bras. Then posted publicly asking her if the bras fit well. LMAO. LOVE IT! Was very grossed out that before they have sex, he sees his mom’s bras… eww. But seriously, I laughed way too hard by that situation.

I’m realizing there are red flags. That their relationship is not picture perfect. I don’t want a relationship like that. If that is what ex is settling for, then good for him. I demand more from my relationship. I’m feeling a lot less jealous and angry after hearing all of this. Now, I’m more focused on how is my daughter being treated over there and what will happen with ex’s support for my daughter. I will fight to make sure my daughter gets what she needs.

She asked about if they get married, if girlfriend could try to adopt her and keep her from me. Nope. I got you girl. I’m not the emotional mess I was during our divorce, nor three years ago when ex crashed my world around me by using me and girlfriend. My anxiety and depression are more in control. I am ready to face whatever I need to just to make sure my daughter is cared for.

Ex Military Spouse and Veteran’s Day

The other day, I came across a post from another ex military spouse. She talked about how she used to post about her veteran and was so proud on Veteran’s Day, but this year she didn’t post anything on social media.

I’d never actually thought about it, until after I read her post. I realized I did the same thing!

My intentions were to think about it and post my thoughts the next day, which would have been last Monday. Well, that was the day ex asked girlfriend to marry him. I have put this post on hold for almost a week, because I did not want my anger to cloud my logic. I did not want to be angry at ex and write about being proud of our soldiers.

I was with my ex for a total of fifteen years. He was in the military almost that entire time. He joined the military right out of high school. Then 9/11 happened. I remember being pregnant and a newly-wed and him being deployed. I watched the news every day. Stressing if he would come back home.

I support our soldiers. I could not do it – don’t have it in my personality. I have several friends and family members that are members of the military. I hate that so many scammers give military soldiers such a bad name. Or, even worse, that divorce is so common with military members.

It is challenging being married to a military guy. Long distance. Deployments. The unknown. Must be flexible. It takes work.

Now, the rest will be only related to mine and ex’s personal experiences.

Deployments were ex’s vacation. He would volunteer to go. He would not have to parent. He would get to travel. He would chill by the pool or at the mall. He would cheat. His first deployment, I was pregnant – about five months pregnant at that time – and we were on the phone and he was rambling on, and he said that he wished there were more women deployed with his unit for him to look at. He brought back pictures of the trip. One picture was of a woman sunbathing. Every deployment was another chance for him to cheat. The deployment before I filed for divorce he tried to sleep with the woman. She did not sleep with him. Only because she had a boyfriend – not because he was married. They bought each other gifts. She even sent gifts to him to the house.

I have thought about sending her a message. Thanking her. Thanking her for not sleeping with a married man. Thanking her for being another nail in the coffin of my marriage. I never have spoken to her. Hell, thank her for shedding a little more light on my ex’s behavior.

I’m kind of surprised ex was interested in her. I know I’m not “gorgeous” but I am so much prettier than that woman. She had no curves. Tom boy. No makeup. But, then after the divorce, ex went in the complete opposite direction with women. High maintenance. Tons of makeup. Both of the girlfriends I have seen were the same – both fit that description.

Okay, so I’m rambling….

When I was married, I posted about how proud I was of ex for being in the military and for serving. After I finished with him, three years ago, I stopped posting. I still support our troops. But I think a part of me felt like if I continued posting my support then maybe I was still wanting him. Maybe I was trying to “play a part” and lie to myself. Would others see the posts and think I was still hung up on my ex?

Honestly, I’m not sure. Ex blames me for the amount of time he has been on deployments.

I never expected ex to still be in the military. I had figured after his first contract was up he would get out. And each time he would reenlist without talking to me – we were married each time. He even reenlisted early one time, and never talked to me about it.

I’m glad he stayed in the military – for selfish reasons – for our daughter. She gets great insurance and benefits being a child of a military member. I am proud of our troops. But am I “proud” of my ex? No.

I think when I was married, I forced myself to be proud because what a horrible person I would be not being supportive of my military spouse. Even though I knew what was going on during deployments, others didn’t.

I really believe that is why I used to post on Veterans Day – to keep this illusion that I had this wonderful marriage. To fool myself and others. To play the role I was supposed to.

I think I stopped positing my “pride” for my ex as a veteran, because I just remember all the cheating, lying, and fights because of the military and ex. I remember the fear of him threatening to divorce me and take full-custody of our daughter. We had only been married for two years when he first threatened divorce. I seriously believed him. I thought that since he was military the judge would rule in favor of him. He would get everything. I would lose my daughter forever.

 

Daydreaming

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I have always been a daydreamer. Growing up I would daydream to escape. I would imagine moving to a different school where I wasn’t picked on and bullied. I would imagine having a group of friends that I could depend on and do things with.

When I started dating my ex-husband, I would try to imagine what life would be like – what I actually wanted our marriage to be like together. I would daydream to keep myself company on the nights that he was working or during the times he was deployed. I would also find myself daydreaming during times he was there – I would get lost inside my own head even during sex. I would trick myself to believe it was great. I would daydream about this wonderful sexual experience with my ex.

Even now, I find myself imagining a life I wish I had – especially when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I love my life. But, I still find myself wanting, wishing, and dreaming for more – a new relationship, a better car, when I no longer struggle with money, a day ex and I can co-parent like I want us to for our daughter.

Then I feel like I am failing, because 1. I’m not “content” with what I have since I am daydreaming; 2. I’m not achieving what I “wish” to have. This makes my energy and motivation fly right out the window. All I want to do is sleep. Crawl under the covers and disappear until everything is how I “wish” it would be.

This weekend, I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed my weekend. Ex is deployed for a week or two. I have my daughter the whole time. We watched movies, talked, drew pictures. We laughed. I don’t want to daydream my life away. She is growing up so fast.

At work, I stay in the moment. I want to do the best I can. I enjoy my job.

But, later today I will find myself still daydreaming.

 

 

I Still Think About Him

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This time last year, I reactivated my online dating accounts, again.

I was done taking a second break from online dating.

I had taken a year-long break to continue healing. It was time to try online dating again.

I had forgiven myself for sleeping with – well, let’s be honest – a stranger. I thought of it as a life lesson, and really it was what I needed to stop loving ex. What’s the saying? “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

So, after a year away from online dating drama, I decided to try again.

I really did not expect too much when I reactivated my online dating accounts. But, a year ago, I got a message from a guy that was going to give me another major life lesson.

I know what red flags I ignored with this guy – trust me, I have replayed every conversation we’d ever had over and over in my head. But at the time, I over looked all of the red flags, because I really thought I was being way too jaded. Yes, I had been hurt by the guy that slept with me, asked me to be his girlfriend, and then ghosted. Why take out that anger and paranoia on the next guy?

A year ago, I received a message from “Rick.” He did not send the typical message “hey babe” or “hi sexy.” He sent a message: “Hi. How are you?”

Wow. Great grammar! It definitely caught my eye.

I over looked the fact that his profile name was a single letter, “R,” and that he only had one profile picture. He did tell me his first name, and he sent me additional pictures of himself on request.

The first weekend that we started talking was a drill weekend. He was military. He was real military – he talked just like ex. A lot of his mannerisms were so much like ex – think that was another reason I overlooked so many red flags. I might have still been in love with ex, and this guy reminded me of ex.

At first, we just chatted casually. I was looking for just someone to chat with – not to date; not to have a relationship with; just someone to chat with. I let my guard down and started opening up to this guy – again, since he reminded me so much of ex it felt right, familiar, and comfortable.

He quickly wanted to video chat. It was refreshing to have a guy that wanted to video chat and talk on the phone – not hide behind text messages. He lived in another state, but his kids and military base were in the same state as I.

We arranged to meet in person after chatting for three months. He drove 3.5 hours to come see me. I thought this is amazing! A guy willing to drive 3.5 hours – one way – to come hang out with me has to be pretty special, right?!? I mean, why would a guy waste that much time if he was just wanting sex?

The first time we met up, we only got to spend about thirty minutes together. We ended up making out – not my proudest moment, I know. But I felt comfortable with this guy. We’d been chatting – video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone – for three months. Two weeks later, we arranged to meet up again. I wanted to have sex – I hadn’t had sex in 18 months. I am the one that asked – my heart about pounded out of my chest. I was so scared, nervous, and worried that I would be turned down. He, of course, did not reject me.

We met at a hotel – I did not want anyone at my house. The sex was AMAZING! However, I ended up having a horrible anxiety attack. He did not run for the hills. He stayed. He called and made sure I made it home safely.

I felt like this guy had potential.

I still ignored the red flags, because I had convinced myself that he is making an effort. In one month, we’d met up six times. That is a lot of traveling – most of those times we didn’t even have sex. We would just hang out and talk. He was the type of guy that would hold a door open for you and then would slap your ass as you walked through the door.

I fell in love with him. I told him I loved him. I wasted seven months on him. Still ignoring the red flags.

What red flags did I ignore?

  • profile had one picture (which it was a full body picture, and he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. I later found out it was a much older picture of him, too.)
  • username was a single letter
  • he refused to add each other on Facebook
  • he would disappear for several days at a time and then reappear as if nothing had happened
  • he continued to tell me that he did not have a girlfriend
  • he never called me by my name
  • he refused to have a relationship, or even give us any type of title – dating, bf/gf, fwb.
  • he continued to repeat that he had never cheated on anyone
  • he talked about other women (even after we’d just had sex, he would talk about other women!)
  • He would not tell me his last name for a very long time (it was about four months of us chatting before he told me his name, which I’d already knew his last name – I’d already found him on social media. I just wanted verification from him.)

Why did I ignore all of these red flags, plus more?

  • I thought he had potential.
  • I was tired of online dating drama, so I was settling.
  • He reminded me of ex – the man I thought was my soulmate.
  • It was nice to have someone to chat with again.
  • THE SEX WAS AMAZING, and he made me feel good about my performance in bed.
  • He made me smile.

In May of this year, he was at AT for two weeks. We’d planned on meeting after the two weeks were up. I was going to introduce him to my daughter.

We’d planned on meeting on Sunday. On Friday, I had a feeling that something was not right. I could not ignore the feeling. This feeling was too strong. In two days, this man was going to meet the most important person in my life and I had a weird feeling about him.

I’d searched for him on social media before – his profile was extremely private. He did not have a picture of himself on his profile. He had a common name – there were SEVERAL guys with the same name. I found him after a few months of us chatting – so I knew his full name (even middle name). I did not disclose this information with him though.

This day, though, I continued to search. He had slipped up and posted something publicly. I could see it without being on his friends list. I looked at the comments and there it was – a red flag that I could not ignore:

A woman made the comment in response to a meme he’d posted. She said “lol. that’s my man! love you, babe!”

I clicked on her profile. Her profile picture was a picture of her with RICK.

It was an older picture. He had changed his hair style and facial hair. He had gained weight. But it was HIM.

I screenshot the picture. I texted him and asked him to call me when he got a chance.

A part of me still wishes I’d waited for his call. I wish I could have heard his voice and his reaction. But, I could not wait. I had to ask right then. I sent another text:

****

me: fuck it. I’m going to just ask right now. Are you seeing anyone else?

him: no, why?

me: you are dating or having a relationship with any other females?

him: no, why?

me: hmm… funny, because I found a picture of you with a woman.

him: I haven’t taken any pictures with any women. Are you even sure it is me?

me: it sure as hell looks like you.

him: it must be a very old picture, if it is even me.

****

Okay. I was getting nowhere with him. I messaged the woman.

****

me: hi. you don’t know me, but I have a very strange question: is that your boyfriend in your profile picture?

her: who are you? why do you want to know?

me: is his name Rick?

her: how long have you been sleeping together?

****

Our conversation continued for several minutes. I told her how long I’d been seeing him. She told me they had been together for three years. They were engaged. I was not the first chick he had cheated on her with. I apologized to her; I did not know he was with anyone. She said no hard feelings towards me.

I sent her screenshots of my conversation with him to prove it was Rick I was chatting with – I had his picture and his phone number. I showed her screenshots of him telling me he did not have a girlfriend and he was not seeing anyone else.

Then, I sent him screenshots of conversation between her and I. I told him “look I made a friend.”

I did not he hear from him after that.

I did continue to hear from her for the next several hours. She told me he was ignoring her; she was also trying to text and call him.

About six hours later, I receive a message from her. She said that he apologized to her for cheating. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. Said that he had told me that he did not want a relationship, or to even see me. Said he was not interested in me, but he was afraid that I would kill myself if he rejected me.

WHAT?!? THAT ASSHOLE LED ME ON AND THEN SPUN THE SITUATION AROUND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

Made him look like the hero – yes, he had cheated, but he was keeping some poor, depressed chick from hurting herself because she couldn’t have him. HA! What an ass…

I was so mad. I was more mad at myself than at him. I had ignored red flags. I had let myself fall in love with this guy.

I still think about him. I still think about the red flags that I did ignore – I want to learn from my mistakes.

I find myself wondering if he ever felt any remorse for what he did to me. I find myself wondering if he really did stay faithful, or if he found another victim. I blocked both of them on social media, apps, and on my phone.

I worry that one day I am going to come across his profile on the dating sites again. What would my reaction be? Would I be able to bring myself to just block him without saying anything? Would he try to contact me?

I miss the conversations and the attention from a guy, but what I really miss is the sex.

He made me more jaded. He made me have even less trust in guys. He made me hate myself again.

A Must Read

Updated: September 2019

Introduction

First, let me introduce myself – again. I have been writing this blog since June 2018. I am now up to over 175 followers – I thank each of you for taking the time to read, comment, ask questions, and share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings!

My blog is full of sensitive issues. I chose not to use my real identity with this blog – for reasons I will explain later. I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve always joked that my life would make a great movie for Lifetime. But this is more of my journal. I read through old posts. I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned.

My name is “Stormie.”

I chose “Stormie” because it is nowhere close to my real name. It sounded beautiful. It was a name that I felt like I could relate to – storms are beautiful, powerful, and misunderstood.

So, again, I’m Stormie. I am divorced. I’ve been divorced for six years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of fifteen years. (I know you are trying to do the math in your head. The numbers will not make sense. I spent an additional two years with my ex even after my divorce was finalized – Why? because I was lost. I thought my divorce was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to fail at my marriage. I didn’t want to loose my best friend. I didn’t want to live and die alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home.). I have one child, a thirteen-year-old daughter. I write about her often. She is the joy of my life. Again, I try to avoid any details that would help identify anyone in my life – even my ex.

Sensitive Issues

So, as I said, I chose a new identity because of the topics in my blog. Don’t get me wrong, just because I changed my name, this is me. This is how I speak. This is my personality, my attitude, and my character all on paper. These are my actual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I don’t know if I’m “ashamed” of the events in my life. But most of them I have kept as a secret from friends and family. My own family really doesn’t know me. If they did, I don’t think they would claim me anymore. When I started writing this blog, I really did not have a great relationship with my family. Since my dad’s death I have tried harder to build a relationship with my mom.

So what are my sensitive issues?

Self-Injury

I started hurting myself when I was nine-years-old. I was very depressed and lost. I was suicidal. The first time I cut myself it was because I was too scared to slit my wrist to complete the suicide attempt.

I continued hurting myself for many years. I have many scars from my years of cutting and burning myself. I kept my scars hidden from family and friends.

Honestly, I don’t know if my family even knows. If they do, they have never said a word to me about it.

My ex, obviously knows. He didn’t understand the behavior. He called it, and me, “crazy.”

Anyone who doesn’t understand self-injuring may think it is “crazy.” Why would you want to hurt yourself? If you hurt yourself then it means you’re suicidal, right?

So, people who self-injure are not suicidal. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is a coping tactic to continue living. It is a way to stay in control of yourself, your emotions, and your body.

People self-injure to see the blood. It is powerful to see those emotions pour out of you. You feel stronger because you are controlling those emotions. You are not crying in front of anyone. You are hiding and hurting yourself on your own terms. It is a rush. Your body sends messages to your brain and you feel this rush of being alive. You know that you can continue living and facing whatever situation is challenging you.

I self-injured for eleven years.

I still think about falling back into old habits, but I don’t because I want to be a better role model for my daughter.

She asks about my scars – I am slowly working on getting them covered with tattoos (which is not an easy progress. Tattoos are expensive – and money is something I struggle with each month. Tattooing scars is a challenge – scaring occurs in the fourth or fifth layer, so the ink has to be pushed deeper than that. Not to mention, it takes a lot longer to tattoo – my scars are raised and the needle would get stuck in the scar tissue – painful.) But when my daughter asks about my scars, I just brush off her questions and redirect her focus to something else – I am not ready to disclose that part of my life with my daughter. I am not ready for that look of sadness and disappointment spread across her face. I don’t want her to think her mom is “crazy.”

Suicide

I have thought about taking my life multiple times. I have attempted a couple of times. The most recent attempt was a few years ago. I tried to over-dose. My ex was the one that stayed by me to make sure I was okay. (Yes, my ex does have some good moments in my life.)

I will add, if you know someone that might be suicidal please talk to them. Seems like people believe if you talk about it then you are pretty much talking them into it. No. They need to know someone notices they are struggling. They need to know someone cares.

Eating Disorders

When I was seven, my grandmother passed away. She was the one person in the world that I was really close to. My world crashed all around me during that time. She had cancer. So, I watched her get worse for two years before she finally passed.

I couldn’t get over her death. The rest of the family went on smiling and laughing. They could remember great stories about her and tell them and smile.

I couldn’t.

I cried.

I had no one to talk to. I feared death.

They’d told me that she’d died in her sleep. I feared sleeping. I became an insomniac. I questioned my religion: heaven and hell terrified me.

I found comfort in food. I ate my emotions. I gained weight. My mom put me on countless diets. She forced me to join sports.

I never lost the weight.

By middle school, I was fat and wore glasses. I was shy – I didn’t speak above a whisper. Obviously, I was an easy target for bullies.

I remember the first day I started starving myself. I was in seventh grade. I had got a school lunch – it was a BBQ sandwich (funny the details we remember, even after so many years, huh?). I overheard two girls laugh and say “eww, she’s going to eat that?” I felt my face turn red. I stood up and tossed the food into the trash and left the cafeteria.

It was amazing. I felt like I had control over food. I started skipping lunches. Skipping breakfasts. Skipping dinners.

By high school, I was down to 100lbs.

No one said anything.

I know people knew what I was doing. They looked the other way.

There are not many pictures of me during those years – I hid in my room – but there is one picture of me when I was fourteen. I am thin. Dark circles under my eyes. My hair looks horrible. I am smiling, but I look sick. I look sad.

I can’t look at that picture.

I did start eating again. My ex and I went to school together. He made me feel like it was okay to eat. I started gaining the weight. I started looking healthy.

Then, after we moved in together, my eating turned back into emotional eating. I gained more and more weight.

Today, I am obese.

I try to eat healthy. I try to work out and lose weight. It is a daily struggle.

I hate working out because I am so big it is hard to work out. I hate working out alone because then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it for one day… two days… a week… a month…

I hate eating because I know I am so big that I’m only going to get bigger.

I hate not eating. I hate being hungry. I hate the sound of my stomach growling. I remember growing up with hunger pains all day long, every single day.

You think once you start starving yourself then the hunger pains go away – no, you learn to live with them.

I did start purging – I cannot stay making myself sick – but, I did binged and purged for a few years.

Anxiety

Growing up, I’d always had anxiety. I would feel like I could not breath in a crowded store. I would want to run away.

It wasn’t until during my divorce did I get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder. I was given medication. I took it for a while.

I stopped taking the pills. I hated the side effects. I felt like my mind was in a fog all of the time, and I was still having anxiety attacks.

I have had major attacks – alone, and if front of others. It’s scary. It makes you feel like a freak. You want to disappear. Then after an attack, you have no energy. You want to sleep, forever.

I have gotten my anxiety under control. I am able to do grounding. The last attack was in February 2018 (I slept with someone and I had flashbacks of being with my ex. I felt like I’d been so horrible in bed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stop the attack.).

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to keep you focused. You find something you can see, feel, hear, smell. You focus on these objects. You make your brain and your senses work together to keep you in the moment. You focus on your breathing.

My worst attack was years ago. In front of my ex, I’d found out he was sleeping with someone and me at the same time. That attack was so bad, I don’t remember the conversation. I remember hearing his voice, but not the words. I remember telling myself to breath. I passed out. I completely blacked out. I woke up and he wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused.

Depression

I have depression. I finally got diagnosed with depression after my dad was killed. (I know I should have gone years ago and talked to the doctor, but I was scared. I was so scared they would take my daughter away from me. I was scared my ex would use my mental health as a weapon against me.)

During my final break-up with my ex, I was physically ill. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My body hurt. I sat in the dark for hours. I was lost. After my dad’s death, I didn’t want to slip into the same situation. So, I did go to the doctor.

I struggle daily. I am trying to get it under control. I do still take my medication.

Religion

I will not go into my beliefs. I do ask if you want to comment – great – but I don’t want you to convert me to your beliefs, and I will not convert you to mine.

Again, my beliefs are different than my family’s – another reason to use the secret identity.

This is one thing you will not read about in my posts.

Sexual Orientation

So, I consider myself bisexual. I have never been with a female, but I am attracted to them. I remember being attracted to girls before I was even attracted to guys. I felt so confused. I kept my feelings to myself. I knew the place I grew up in, that was not “appropriate.”

I did tell one girl, in high school, that I had a crush on her. She freaked and stopped hanging around me completely.

With online dating, I have chatted with females. But I continue to go back to males. Why? Actually, the women on those dating sites are worse than the men.

Again, my family does not know. They would not approve at all. So, I don’t bother telling anyone.

Abuse

I have dealt with abuse most of my life. Mainly emotional/mental abuse. Growing up and being told I was fat and that I should not attempt a certain goal because I would fail. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom – I remember her always making fun of me because of my weight. I remember her telling me I shouldn’t try something because I would not win – I would not be the best one out there. (I am trying to build a better relationship with mom since dad’s death. I know that is what he would want.)

Or, being told that if a guy is mean to you, then that means that he likes you. DON’T EVER TELL YOUR CHILD THAT.

I seriously believed it!

My first boyfriend – I was in seventh grade. He was in tenth grade – pinned me against the wall. He pinned my wrists above my head and helped himself to my body. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that was what it was like to have a boyfriend.

Every boyfriend treated me like that – except one: my first love. I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. He treated me well. He respected me when I said “no.” I did love him. Even today, I still have love for him.

I was engaged when I was sixteen (not to my ex-husband). He was abusive. He would yell at me and punch the wall. He would force me to make out when I wasn’t wanting to. One time, he kept on. I know I put myself in the situation. I started kissing him. I started making out with him. But after he pinned me against the wall, I said “no.” He did not listen and continued to pull down my pants.

I did not tell anyone – except my, at the time, best friend (who is my ex-husband). I felt like I got what I deserved. I should have known better. I should have not put myself in that situation.

I have been hit, pinned to the wall, knocked to the floor, taken advantage of, lied to, called names, been cheated on by pretty much every guy in my life.

My Ex-Husband

I’ve know my ex since middle school. We were best friends in high school and started dating the summer before our senior year. I ignored the red flags. He was a flirt with every girl in the school. They would hang on him – he loved it.

Before we were dating, after the rape, ex started writing on my jacket and my notebooks “CQ” and told other guys to call me “condom queen.”

He didn’t believe that I was a virgin (I never count that rape when talking about my number of sexual partners). Even when we became a couple, he did not believe that I was a virgin. There were so many rumors about me in school.

I’m the one that asked my ex out. I’m the one that made the first move.

Ironically, I knew he was the guy I was going to marry. But even in high school, when I pictured our life together, I could never see us growing old together. I never seen us being together past our twenties – I was thirty when my divorce was finalized.

Dating my ex was fun – we went out and played putt-putt/ go to the movies/ walk around the park and just talk… Dating was fun. Being a responsible couple living together was not fun. We moved in together when we were in our twenties. That was our first fight as a couple – we fought about money. My ex has a temper. He would throw objects, and punch walls. He made me feel unattractive. At the time, I thought the sex was great. (I know better now. The sex was horrible, but when you have nothing to compare it to… ).

The first time he threatened me with divorce, we’d been married for two years. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but he told me since he was in the military then he could get a great lawyer and get full custody.

I believed him 100%.

I stayed in fear. I stayed because who else would want me. I stayed because I had a child with him. I stayed because I would not survive on my own.

I know he was unfaithful. Do I have proof? No. The first time I felt something was going on was during his first overseas deployment. I was five months pregnant, we’d been married for six months. He claims he never slept with anyone else while we were married. But that did not stop him from trying. I did read messages to one chick from him. They were deployed together. They bought each other gifts. He bought her underwear. She turned him down – NOT BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED, but because she had a boyfriend…. Those are the messages I found and admitted to him that I seen. I filed for divorce the next day.

I also believe ex and current girlfriend were together while we were married, because of posts on social media that I have found.

He did not tell me about any of it. I don’t really know what he was waiting for. He was telling this other woman that he was going to divorce me to be with her, and telling me nothing. And I mean NOTHING. He returned from that deployment, kicked the chair I was sitting in to get my attention asked where our daughter was. That was all he said to me for four days.

I hated filing for divorce. I felt like such a failure. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my ex.

We continued to live together for seven months before I found my own house.

I don’t remember what happened to make us start sleeping together again. But the after divorce sex was so much better than the married sex. We were doing activities like a family again. I thought we were getting back together. It was like we were dating again.

Turns out, he was seeing other women. They would not have sex with him, so he was using me for the sex. He did not tell me about the other women, I was blindsided multiple times. He would sneak – current girlfriend – in his house at night and make her leave before the morning. He would take my daughter to girlfriend’s house and then tell my daughter to lie to me about where she’d been.

Ex made me believe I did not deserve to be loved or to be treated well. He told me that I would not find a guy willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex – because at the time, I seriously thought I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy for a year before having sex (ha, the second guy I had sex with I only knew for a few days before we had sex).

We still have a long way to go before we can co-parent like how I hope for my daughter.

There is still some wounds that need to heal.

One lesson that I learned was, I will never get the closure I wanted. I never know why he was unfaithful. I never will know why he used me for sex. I will never know why he chose girlfriend over me.

So, anyone that is going through a divorce or breakup, don’t expect the closure from the other person. I see so many posts about wanting to write them a letter or a text to get some answers. Burn the letter. Delete the text. You are giving them the power over you. They are keeping you from healing. They are keeping you from being happy.

I will admit, I have no respect for the girlfriend. The first time I tried to meet her, she would not get out of “our” bed. The second time, she could not keep her hands off of ex – they made out in front of me.

I am bitter – I do admit that. Ex never wanted more kids – he told me he was afraid if we had another child that it would be another a girl and he did not want to deal with drama and hormones. BUT life is cruel. Girlfriend has THREE GIRLS… Ex claims to be their “dad.” He buys them food, clothes, and gifts. He walked the one on the field for homecoming. He goes to every one of their practices and activities, yet bitches when he has to do the same for our daughter.

He brings the kids to our daughter’s birthday party and her various activities – he forces our daughter to share everything (belongings and room). It is like a slap in the face to me every single time.

He gets to have relationship. He gets to have the family.

I get to be single and probably too old to ever have any more children.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t love my ex anymore. I loved the idea of him at times. I loved the idea of our life that I had pictured. I don’t love him – and that took a long time to realize and to work through.

Divorce

I did file for divorce. But ex is the one that wanted it. He told another woman he was going to divorce me and move across the country to be with her (they’d met during a military deployment). I told him if that was what he wanted, then I would give him the divorce.

When I went to file for divorce I was clueless. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. I went to the first lawyer I found – I did not do any research. PLEASE RESEARCH YOUR LAWYER!! This POS lawyer ran off with my money. I ended up having to hire a second lawyer. The second one was a complete asshole. Hated my lawyers – but got the job done.

I was an emotional mess going into my divorce. I did not have the knowledge needed or the strength to fight for anything. My ex got the house. I get very little child support (not even half of what the state requirement would be based on his income six years ago).

My decree has nothing worth anything in it…

I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Advice:

Get first right of refusal in your decree! This means if it is one parent’s time and he/she has to work or cannot keep the kids then they have to ask the other parent first before trying to hire a babysitter or finding a family member to watch the children. My heart was broken when ex left my daughter with girlfriend, her teenagers, or her mother instead of leaving her with me when he had to go into work.

Overnight guests. Again, my decree says nothing about overnight guests. Says nothing about introducing our child to potential mates. NOTHING. So, ex introduced my daughter to these women within weeks of dating. Had them at his house and forced her to play with their children. Ironically, the one guy I brought my daughter around, ex found out and threw a fit!! He accused me of having sex in front of my child — um, no. I never had sex in my house – with either guy. And I did not have sex when my daughter was anywhere around – we went to the movies and went swimming. BUT it is okay for him to bring women over and to have sex when our daughter is at his house… irony…

College. Insurance. Car. None of this is talked about in my decree. Granted, my daughter was seven when I go divorced, but still I should have thought about the future.

Online Dating

I am shy around people. I am awkward around guys. I don’t know how to flirt or date. I don’t drink. I quit smoking back when I was twenty (I started smoking when I was thirteen). I don’t go to bars or clubs. I have a small circle of friends, but they have their on family to take care of.

So, I turned to online dating to try to find someone.

Okay, I’ve watched one too many Lifetime channel and Hallmark channel movies. I expected one of two situations: 1. to go on a date and be stuffed into a body bag or sold for sex trafficking, 2. find my soulmate and live happily ever after.

Obviously, neither has happened. ha-ha.

I was an emotional mess when I first started online dating. I was trusting. I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted sex.

It’d been eighteen months since I’d had sex, I wanted friends with benefits.

Can you believe I could not find a single guy interested in having sex with me? crazy huh?

Things happen for a reason.

I got catfished. I got my heartbroken. I got ghosted.

I have been trying online dating for four years – with a few breaks here and there. I had life lessons:

One, ghosting is not your fault.

Ghost and Zombies

A person will ghost because they found someone else. Consider it as dodging the bullet – just thank them in your head and move on!!

Avoid zombies. Zombie reenter your life to keep you on the back burner. They want to make sure you are available when THEY are ready. They always want a “plan b.”

Just block ghosts and zombies, you will save yourself a lot of issues right there.

Scammers

Avoid scammers. If their English is not correct – block. It is a scam to get money. Always do your research. Check pictures.

Military Scams

If they are “military” and “currently deployed” and they need money, gift cards, or something in order to contact their family, lawyer, whatever… RUN. BLOCK ASAP.

How will you know if it is a military scam?

They have one picture – typically. Usually in their BDUs’ (battle dress uniform) – yes, learn the lingo. KNOW YOUR TERMS. EDUCATE YOURSELF!! Pay attention to hair cut/style and facial hair. Know what are the regulations for hair in the military. Know if they are active duty then they will have to keep these regulations. Know what information is available. If they tell you that is classified information, they’re lying. If they sound like they are reading from a government/military website to describe their job or rank – they are scamming you.

Military guys talk like eye charts at the doctor’s office… BDU’s, AT Dates, BX, etc.

Military guys also don’t brag about being in the military. They want to talk about other things. Also, if they ask for money because they do not have access to their bank accounts – RUN. Even during deployments they have access to bank accounts, phones, internet, stores, food. Like I said, educate yourself.

I am a military scammers worse nightmare (my ex is military. I dated another branch member and I have a good friend that is in a third branch). They usually block me fairly quickly.

But let’s pretend you believe them.

Red Flags While Online Dating

What other red flags should you look for? They will ask: have you ever been with a military man? Are you currently talking to any other military men? (They don’t want to butt into another’s scam). Oh, my favorite line is: I’m currently deployed, will you wait for me?

Boy, please! I don’t even like waiting for the timer on my microwave to get to zero, why the hell would I wait for you…

Beware of cheaters…. This was a though lesson for me. I fell in love with a serial cheater. I spent seven months with him. My gut told me there was something wrong. I finally figured out what it was… he was engaged. Apparently they had been together for over three-years. I wasn’t the first chick he’d cheated with, but his future-wife continued to forgive him over and over.

There are so many married men on those sites. Know what to look for.

No picture.

No picture means move on!! They are hiding their identify for a reason. One picture is also a red flag. If they tell you that they don’t have a picture because they had to deal with a stalker, call bullshit and move on. These are the guys that haven’t had a date. They are making it seem like there are so many women wanting them. Boy, seriously? Do I look like I was born yesterday?!?

Avoid out of state guys, too. There is a reason they are looking out of state. Yes, another lesson I learned the hard way – the serial cheater was out of state. That way the women in his life did not run into each other.

Ask for current picture once you start chatting. They may have a picture online, but it was from ten years ago – I had that happen to me, too. Got to the date, he looked NOTHING like his picture.

Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, then block them. You don’t have to justify your reasons. You don’t have to explain yourself. EVER.

Know what you want: Do you want fwb, causal dating, relationship. Ask them what they want. If you don’t want the same things, move on.

Watch out for “separated” guys too. They are separated, but still legally married. That is a big no from me. I don’t touch nor talk to married guys. They lie. They say their wife knows they are on those sites. They play the victim – my wife doesn’t love me/ I’m in a sexless marriage. Again, move on! And watch for red flags – the serial cheater told me over and over that he did not have a girlfriend (at the time I thought it was directed towards me not being his girlfriend. I realize now that it was because he was engaged so he was keeping his lies straight.) He also lied and said he had never cheated.

Online dating is brutal. It is a game. Learn to play the game.

Unwanted Pictures While Online Dating

Be prepared for dick pix. Sorry.

It is going to happen.

You are going to see some nasty stuff while online dating. Prepare yourself.

My first dick pix, I DROPPED MY PHONE. In the effort to catch my phone before it hit the floor I pushed “call contact.” I CALLED HIM.

Let me tell you, he thought I was so excited about that picture that I could not wait to meet up with him… gross.

I was not prepared. I was sweet and innocent. The only one I’d really ever seen had been my ex’s. It was a shock getting a random man send me a picture.

Just don’t open pictures if you are not prepared. Give a fair warning. After that, they are fair game. I’ve seen women send the picture to the guy’s mom or girlfriend/wife. I’ve seen those pictures posted online and mocked by hundreds and thousands of other women. I’ve seen some women save them and send them to other men – that makes the guy leave pretty quick. An insult usually shuts them up. Report them and block them is the best route.

Same goes for you – if you would not share with others, then don’t send it. Don’t send pictures or texts/sexting unless you are completely prepared.

Play the Game. Know the Game.

Be prepared for players.

I know how to play the game. I play it very, very well.

Avoid the guys that say: baby, beautiful, sexy, angel.

I don’t know you. You are not allowed to give me some pet name. Gross. Because you know he is saying that to all the other women.

They use pet names, so they don’t have to remember real names.

Educate yourself of common phrases – they get them from websites and just copy and paste them.

Oh, and if they only focus on looks – you ask what kind of woman they are looking for they automatically say “you” or blonde, big tits, blah, blah, blah… They are wanting a one-night stand.

If they say they love you, they have been waiting to me you, you are so amazing and a wonderful person – RUN.

Sex and Online Dating

Another hard lesson for me, was being ghosted after sex. I felt like a slut. I was so ashamed of myself! How could I wait that long and fall into that trap. Twice actually…

The first guy did sleep with me twice and then ghost. The second guy was engaged. I ended up contacted his chick and sending texts from him as proof.

Hey, we’re human.

People make mistakes.

Consider it as a life lesson – learn from it and move on.

Practice safe sex. You don’t know who else they are doing. You don’t want to have pregnancy be a result of one night of fun. If they say they don’t have one – find one. Bring one with you! Hell, I have a box of condoms at my house. I would bring one with me, just in case. I’m an adult. If I want to have sex, then I want to be safe.

There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself. Just make sure that is what you want, and be safe.

Always bring money with you on a date. This is to get yourself a ride if you need to.

Meeting People from Online Dating Sites

So, let’s talk about meeting people online.

What a scary thought, huh? I know.

Get their phone number. Screenshot their profile picture. Tell someone where you are going to be at, who you are meeting – time, place.

I have actually sent a picture of the guy and information about his truck – including the tag information – to someone before.

I have met a guy at his house before – don’t do that. Please. It was not a great situation. It was a dangerous situation, but I learned from it.

Meet in a public place every. single. time.

Have a friend text you randomly to make sure are okay.

If you have a bad feeling during a date – it is okay to leave. I was on one date, he joked about how rape would be fun. I’m not going to lie – I was worried. I was looking for my nearest exit and a possible weapon, if needed.

I don’t recommend first dates to be at a restaurant or at the movies. If you are eating, then you are committed to stay for the entire meal. I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Don’t want them to ditch you after the meal and leave you with the bill.

Arrive before them, and leave after them. Don’t let them see your car. Don’t let them know which direction you are going to be driving from/to. Don’t ride with them – even if you know them. I went on a date with an old high school friend. Got in his car – horrible decision. Don’t do it.

If you have kids – protect your kids. Don’t post pictures of them on those dating sites. I will not chat with a man that has pictures of kids on his profile. Why? Because most of the time those are not even his kids. And, I want a man who is as protective of his kids as I am of mine.

I don’t answer questions about my kid either – until I get to know the person.

My Dad’s Death

November 30, 2018 my dad was heading to work. He was hit head on by another car. My dad was killed on impact. The other driver walked away from the scene with minor injuries. That guy was on four different types of drugs – including meth – at the time of the wreck. He was driving over 100mph.

I write about my dad’s death often. I know people are uncomfortable with death. But I struggle with this. I need an outlet.

I was a daddy’s girl.

I never got to tell my dad “goodbye.” It kills me daily.

Since my dad’s death, the guy that killed him has been in and out of jail numerous times. We are still waiting on the court date to hold him accountable for killing dad.

**Edit**

So, I have read through this post again – hopefully all the grammatical errors are fixed. I added some more information. I tried to keep it kind of organized – in my mind I have these millions of thoughts, and experiences spinning around.

Questions/After Thoughts

So, this was an insanely long post – I know. Thank you for reading it though.

If you have questions or comments leave a comment and I can add it into the post.

Military Family Weekend

Ex told me this weekend is Family Weekend on the base. Honestly, I am surprised he did not ask to take our daughter for the entire weekend. (I don’t know if he is bringing girlfriend or any of her kids).

I was talking to a friend yesterday – it was a HORRIBLE day, I needed to vent and talk to someone about life. It came up about family weekend. My friend asked what happens during family weekend.

I paused for a moment.

I honestly do not have a clue!

I was with ex for 15 years, and I never once was invited to family weekend. What does that say about our marriage or how ex felt about me?

He has taken girlfriend to family weekend. He has taken our daughter, too.

Apparently, the year our daughter went with girlfriend, she said girlfriend complained the entire time.

So, again why her, but never me? If she complains the whole time then why bother bringing her?

I always assumed the cheating was his form of midlife crisis. Now, I really wonder if he ever did love me. Was he embarrassed of me? Ashamed?

It’s not like I got pregnant right away and he was “forced” to marry me. It’s not like he was not aware of my mental struggles of anxiety, depression, self-injury, and eating disorders. It’s not like he did not realize that I never dress up or wear make-up. It’s not like he did not know me – we lived together for almost two years before we got married.

So, I wonder what it was…

I know I will never get the answer. (Actually, I may not want the answer) But I still wonder…

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

Dating Scams

Anyone who tries online dating knows there are several dating scams out there. The more common scam is the military scam. These guys pretend to be military – typically they will claim to be U.S. Army. And “conveniently” they are currently deployed.

It’s kind of funny, none of them claim to be Air Force or Marines. It is always Army, in my experience.

Now, notice I said “conveniently” deployed. There’s a few reasons this is convenient.

  1. They are not available for meeting if they are not in the country.
  2. Delayed responses can be blamed for the time difference.
  3. They are going to ask for money.

If you are trying online dating, and you are not familiar with military please, please, please educate yourself!!

  1. Know key terms – for all branches.
  2. Know what information is available and what is considered classified.

Pay attention to how real military members talk!

First off, I was married to a military guy – I was with him for 15 years. I’ve also dated/chatted with two others – all three were a different branch of the military.

So, how do military guys talk? Personal experience: they are like going to the eye doctor and having to read that eye chart. They are so used to the terms that it is automatic. They don’t break it into “civilian” or do they sound formal.

Actually, most of them don’t want to talk about military. So, some tips to know it’s probably a scam:

  1. It’s one of the first things mentioned.
  2. They are deployed.
  3. They don’t answer in a timely manner – gives them time to look up information.
  4. They don’t talk like military guys I’ve chatted with.
  5. Look at their pictures. Know the rules for hair cuts AND facial hair!! If these guys are true military that means they have drill every month.

Ask questions. Always, always, always! If they are real military, they will answer. If the answer comes out formal jargon – they are probably a fake. If they say it is classified or they are not allowed to say that – they are probably a fake.

So, what are some common questions or comments from these scammers?

  1. U.S. Army and are currently deployed.
  2. Have you ever been with a military man before? (They want to see if you are an easy victim. Plus, playing on the idea of every woman loves a man in uniform.)
  3. Are you currently talking to a military man? (If you’re already being scammed, they don’t want to step in.)
  4. They need money, or a gift card of some type. (I don’t care if they are in a war zone or not. THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR MONEY. THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THE BX (like a shopping mall on base for Air Force – each branch has their own term for it.)) Real military has access to all of this.
  5. Profile picture – usually one or two pictures only. Usually will be in their BDU’s (battle dress uniform). Pay attention to the BDU’s. Are they current? (Military occasionally changes style/pattern. PLUS, they will look different depending on where they are deployed.) So, scammers find actually military pictures and claim to be that person. Pay attention to patches on the clothing – do the stripes match the rank they claim? Are the patches correct?

So, protect yourself. Know what questions to ask. Find a friend who is actually in the military and double check information if you need to.

One step forward, Two steps back

One step forward, and two steps back… That’s how I feel my healing progress is going.

Tuesday I felt so successful – I’d talked to ex about girlfriend not having a picture of my daughter (you can go and read my post titled “Success.”), and explained to ex that it hurt my daughter’s feelings that girlfriend did not have a picture. I even offered to buy a frame and a picture to give to girlfriend.

Then yesterday, all my success came crashing down around me. I found myself worrying what the hell did I do wrong? Why does ex get rewarded and I get punished?

I was loyal during our marriage. He cheated. Now, I’m single with no prospects of even getting a date, much less having a relationship. He has been with girlfriend off and on for three years. Granted, I don’t want their relationship (I was with ex for fifteen years, so I do know how he is), but at least he has someone to spend time with, have sex with, and to be with.

Girlfriend’s birthday was Tuesday. He told my daughter he felt horrible and that he was a “bad boyfriend” because he did not send girlfriend flowers to work. WHAT?!? In the fifteen years I was with him, I NEVER received flowers at work. Hell, I really don’t remember too many gifts for my birthday (which money spent was not important. I didn’t want gifts. I wanted his time. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to put his damn phone down – from texting other women – and be with me). Plus, he took my daughter to the store and made her help him pick girlfriend out some gifts – apparently spent well over $100 (again, my daughter complained because ex doesn’t spend that much on my daughter for her birthday). My daughter complained to me that she had to find the correct perfume because ex doesn’t know what girlfriend likes.

I heard all of this from my daughter. So, honestly there was some hurt (Okay, a lot of hurt — is girlfriend that much better than I am? If so, then what the hell is wrong with me? I get I have dealt with abuse and have depression as a result of the abuse. So, does that mean no one is able to love and care for someone with a past consisting of abuse? Does that mean if you have anxiety and depression then you are not worth the love and affection of others?). He feels guilty for being a bad boyfriend, but no remorse for being a bad husband or father? Seriously??

It continued to get worse. I found out that ex and my mom have been calling and texting each other. Really? My mom hated ex during our entire relationship, and now they’re friends. What the hell did I miss? Once again, why am I being punished? Ex was abusive in our relationship. We did not go visit families, he refused. Now, he is all about his family, and girlfriend’s family. Now, he is all about my family, too? My family doesn’t even call or attempt to visit me. I have to make the effort. Then it ends up being a horrible situation.

No, the failure continues.

Ex pays half of the state minimum child support that was based on his income five years ago. I agreed to it because I thought he would help out when our daughter needed something extra. Ex is full time military now. He makes good money. I have not taken him back to court to change child support. I should, I know. But I am not after his money (despite what people say and think). But it hurts that I struggle every month and he has money to burn. He complains that he has to buy our daughter stuff – school supplies, clothes. He complains to our daughter even! However, he gladly spends money on girlfriend and her three kids.

Next bit of jealously… Ex bought a third – yes a THIRD – vehicle. Seriously? I have a piece of shit car that I can’t rely on. It is definitely my money pit. Why am I being punished? Why is the universe mocking me? What life lesson do I need to learn to get over all of this hurdles?

My night ended with ex picking up my daughter from my house… in his new vehicle… with his girlfriend. Really? I am not allowed to know where she lives, but he constantly brings her to my house. I really just want to know where she lives because ex sleeps there with my daughter all of the time. What if something happens and I have to get my daughter? I don’t have a clue where to go.

After a day like that, I have to ask myself why am I being punished? When will the universe give me a break?

Then the thought of maybe I should have not failed my suicide attempt years ago. I try to be positive and I know my daughter needs me. But this divorced, single mom life sucks and is difficult.

I knew it would be hard. I had no idea that five years later it would still be this much of a struggle.