Reflecting

So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELL  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

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Drowning

Well, my thought today is: I’m failing at life.

Everything is crashing around me.

Work and Money. Even though I work multiple jobs – hours this time of year are short because of the holidays and winter hours. Or, I have to cut hours for one job to get hours for another job. All of which hurts my bank account. Money is crazy tight – haven’t gotten a child support check for a couple of weeks; and yes, the weekly child support isn’t much, but every little cent helps. I thought I was getting my head above water last week. I cancelled insurance to save some money, and I talked to someone about getting a tax break for my property tax – turns out I was supposed to have been getting this break for several years but my paperwork “got lost” on their end. I honestly didn’t think must about it. I thought the break was just for one year. Of course, they are not going to back pay me all that money – I wish they would. Yesterday, I opened the refrigerator and it left a little on the warm side. Things were still cold. I don’t want to – I CAN’T AFFORD TO – replace that refrigerator right now. I shouldn’t have to replace it already. I bought it about two years ago. Yes, it was a cheaper one, but it should work longer than two bloody years!! I’m counting down the months until I get my car completely paid for – that will be extra money each month when I don’t have car payments – but I still have about ten months to go.

Dating/Relationships. I’m still having mixed feelings about ex. I actually had a dream about him. In my dream, he called me to bitch at me that I left him blue-balling. (A phrase that ex used often during our marriage. I’ve always hated that phrase.) I woke up so angry. Mainly, angry at myself. Why am I still dreaming about him?!?

I suck at dating. I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone in days. In fact, we’re slowly inching closer and closer to a year mark since I’ve been on a date!!

Parenting. Now, typically I know I am a kick-ass mom. I take care of my kid. I help her with school work. I drive her to her millions of activities. Just, last night, with everything that was happening I felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I had two loads of clothes that were needing to be washed. Before I went to pick her up from practice I had the first load in the washer. The second load was lying in the floor so I could throw it in the wash when I got back. When we got home, I put the first load in the dryer and started the second load in the washer. Well, apparently, my daughter and a friend decided they wanted to wear their new cheer shirts to match at school today. That shirt accidentally got thrown into the washer, too. I guess it was sitting by all of her bags for school, which was close to the second load of clothes and I just assumed it went with the pile of clothes. I forgot to check the clothes after that. My daughter waited until the very last minute to find her clothes for school. Yep, that shirt is still chilling out in the washer. Parenting fail.

Daydreaming

I have always been a daydreamer. Growing up I would daydream to escape. I would imagine moving to a different school where I wasn’t picked on and bullied. I would imagine having a group of friends that I could depend on and do things with.

When I started dating my ex-husband, I would try to imagine what life would be like – what I actually wanted our marriage to be like together. I would daydream to keep myself company on the nights that he was working or during the times he was deployed. I would also find myself daydreaming during times he was there – I would get lost inside my own head even during sex. I would trick myself to believe it was great. I would daydream about this wonderful sexual experience with my ex.

Even now, I find myself imagining a life I wish I had – especially when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I love my life. But, I still find myself wanting, wishing, and dreaming for more – a new relationship, a better car, when I no longer struggle with money, a day ex and I can co-parent like I want us to for our daughter.

Then I feel like I am failing, because 1. I’m not “content” with what I have since I am daydreaming; 2. I’m not achieving what I “wish” to have. This makes my energy and motivation fly right out the window. All I want to do is sleep. Crawl under the covers and disappear until everything is how I “wish” it would be.

This weekend, I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed my weekend. Ex is deployed for a week or two. I have my daughter the whole time. We watched movies, talked, drew pictures. We laughed. I don’t want to daydream my life away. She is growing up so fast.

At work, I stay in the moment. I want to do the best I can. I enjoy my job.

But, later today I will find myself still daydreaming.

 

 

Single Parent Struggles

First off, parenting is a hard job – I don’t care what your story is, parenting is hard, even in the best of situations.

Being a single parent makes this hard job even more challenging.

With my ex working out of state and my family living a few hours away, I typically am able to juggle schedules and get my daughter everywhere she needs to be without too many issues. I plan ahead and I do what I need to so she doesn’t miss out on anything.

Today is a different story…

Found out I’m having to take pictures tonight. The number of teams and individuals keeps increasing. Not to mention, my daughter has stunting practice and tumbling (on opposite sides of town) during time frame that I am needed to take pictures.

Worse case scenario, I could quickly step away and get my daughter from stunting take her to tumbling and drive back to take pictures. BUT… that is extra gas that I really can’t afford to waste. There is the possibility of stunting not ending on time and running late. What if I get stuck in traffic trying to get back to take pictures. What if I lose too much natural light during this time frame of driving my daughter every where and cannot take the pictures. Thus, me losing money and the business losing money because I did not do my job.

So, I tried asking other cheer moms if they could drive my daughter from stunting to tumbling. We have a group chat set up on Facebook – all the moms and the coach is added to that group. I sent a message to the group asking for help – explaining the situation.

NOT ONE RESPONSE!

I know who viewed the message – Facebook is kind enough to show you when someone views. Nine moms and the cheer coach viewed it – which wasn’t everyone on the squad – and not a single response.

I was so annoyed. I don’t ask people for any help – most of the time. Now, occasionally, I do need help. And I cannot get any help?!?

I was going through my contacts thinking of anyone and everyone I could ask.

Most of the squad is in my daughter’s tumbling class as well, so for most of them it wouldn’t have been an extra time or out of their way. One mom I know she couldn’t because she is out of state. Three others – that I am sure would have helped – hadn’t viewed the message. Another one, I know she can’t because she has to work too.

I finally thought of someone – her daughter is a cheerleader and in tumbling, but she doesn’t use Facebook. I texted her asking if her daughter was going to tumbling tomorrow night because I was needing someone to give my daughter a ride. She messaged me back saying that her daughter did not want to go to tumbling because she was too tired after stunting and she hurt herself last week in tumbling. BUT the mom said she would gladly give my daughter a ride – even though her daughter was not going to tumbling too.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

I’ve known this woman and her husband since my daughter was three-years-old. They helped coach her t-ball team. Our daughter’s had kindergarten together. They are a great couple that are always offering to help me – they know I am divorced and my family don’t live around here.

So, I’m excited that someone was willing to help me.

Still annoyed that no one else was willing to help. I get I’m not popular – being a loner doesn’t bother me. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. I do not fit in with the cheer moms.

Oh well, I’ll let it go. There’s other issues to focus on other than why I’m not accepted by a group of cheer moms. ha-ha.

One issue: the cheer coach. This woman is becoming a pain in my ass.

Since my daughter is a cheerleader they have to dress up for specific weeks/days (homecoming, pep rally, red ribbon week, etc). My daughter has clothes, but not the clothes needed for dress up days (like camouflage, flannel, specific characters, blah, blah, blah). My daughter also is stuck living in three houses – so, sometimes clothes she needs isn’t at the house that she is at, which me not knowing where girlfriend lives means I cannot take my daughter to her house to get clothes or items that she’ll need (and ex moving in with girlfriend means most of my daughter’s stuff is slowly making its’ way to girlfriend’s house).

My daughter told the coach that she didn’t have flannel for today’s dress up day. The coach’s response: I seem to hear often about clothes you don’t have. (We’ve had this issue before. The coach commented that it seems like my daughter never has any clothes).

Woman, back up. Know your role!

I told my daughter to either quit mentioning anything to the coach or next time the coach sasses tell the coach she can sass me. The coach never says a word to me…

My daughter lives between three houses. BUT guess what, I still get her what she needs. I talked to ex last night and explained what was going on. He transferred some money to me so I could take my daughter to the store and buy clothes for this dress up week – if the cheerleaders do not dress up then they get detention – which is stupid, but why cause drama for my kid. (Anyway, we did find a very cute flannel shirt with lace that my daughter will wear more than once – so, it was worth spending money on) So, got that issue taken care of.

But I know ex could sense my annoyance with the cheer coach when I was on the phone with him. He offered to kick her ass for me. (See, my ex is a tool, but he has his good moments. ha-ha)… aww… he is still willing to fight women for me lol

Second issue: while on the phone with ex:

ex: I’m just letting you know that we are going to **different state** for a week.

me: Who? (my mind immediately thought he was taking my daughter, girlfriend, her kids)

ex: The base. Guess I should have worded that better, huh?

Okay. This issue is not that big of a deal. I just may run into another situation like today where I cannot be in two places at the same time. But, I will cross that bridge if, and when, I get to it.

Then, I seen a post from a married mom complaining that she feels like a single mom. Then all of these other married women agreed and knew how she felt.

I wanted to comment and say I will try places with any one of you!! They are married to a man that makes enough to support the entire family while they are all stay at home moms. They spend their days at home – some of them, their children are school age. They complain that when the husband gets home he doesn’t help cook or clean. He plays with the kids and watches TV — uh, that’s because he has worked all day. Hell, get the cooking and cleaning done while he is at work – or leave it for tomorrow, who cares – and enjoy your family. Spend time with the husband, and the kids. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Be thankful that you have a husband and a family. Don’t compare yourself to a struggling single parent. Don’t complain on social media and then expect changes at home – communication!! Talk to your spouse. If you need help, tell them. The husband may not even think about it. May not realize it.

 

 

Ironic?

Yesterday I wrote about forgiving.

I weighed the pros and cons of forgiving my ex. I thought about what I need to forgive him for. I thought about maybe if I forgive then my life would seem to get better – maybe karma would not target me for having such negative thoughts towards my ex.

Anyone that has been reading and following my posts knows that ex sold his house – he actually closed last week – and is in the process of moving in with girlfriend, which I personally think is a mistake – but sadly I have no say in the matter. I just really worry about my daughter. Ex will still not tell me where girlfriend lives.

Ex wanted to move in with girlfriend years ago, but she said “no” and that they had to get married first.

Well, I wonder what changed.

They are not getting married – they’re not even engaged. Girlfriend cannot get pregnant – so not like she can “trap” ex. Which ex told me years ago that he was glad she couldn’t get pregnant that was one reason he was with her. He has also told me that he never plans on getting married again. Girlfriend has been married twice already. He has never really spoke highly of girlfriend around me – he’s told me how easy she is and how she’s “been around” (his actual words).

So, why is she allowing him to move into her house now?

Because she isn’t stupid, of course. Ex already pays the bills there – including upgrading TV and internet. He buys the food. He cooks and cleans. He babysits the kids. He bought a new vehicle for her.

I wonder what his plan is when she gets mad and breaks up with him, again (I know of a couple of times that they have already broke up). Anyway, that’s not the ironic aspect of the situation. I don’t care about their relationship. I know what ex is like. I care about my kid. I want the best situation for her.

So, ironic… me talking about forgiving ex and then this happens:

So, ex closed on the house, which he isn’t showing any emotion to the situation. My daughter is actually sad about it. That was the house we brought her home from the hospital to; that is the house she has lived in for almost thirteen years.

Anyway, so ex brought my stuff to me that was still in the house – I moved into a much smaller house and we were still together, so there was no reason to haul everything to my house when we first got divorced. Then as the years went by, it was items I no longer needed. I’d lived without them, so why bother with them now. Or they were things ex had given to me while we were a couple. I gave my daughter a lot of things, the rest was laid to rest in the trash.

He apparently is giving all the furniture and appliances to his family. Honestly, I wouldn’t had minded getting the washer and a couch – he has three couches, I could have gotten one, ha-ha. Well, my daughter – sweet girl – thinking of her mom, said to ex that I might want his refrigerator (why she would think that, not a clue. lol. I bought a new refrigerator last year). Apparently ex told her if I wanted the frig then he would SELL it to me.

What?!? Has he lost his bloody mind!!

He is going to SELL the refrigerator to me? That refrigerator that was in the fucking house when we bought it THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. HA. Fucking asshole!!

I got a good laugh out of that. I know my ex is a tool. That is just more proof. He would not give me something that he no longer needs. He would not give me something that our daughter could use. But instead he would try to make a profit off of it. I struggle with money and he would take an opportunity to take money from me – from our daughter. That is money that could go to bills or food.

Yep, I know I need to forgive him. It is so hard to forgive when every time I deal with him there is something like that happening.

Oh, and I might have to have a talk with him about girlfriend’s choice of phrases… Apparently, her favorite phrase is to “lick a biscuit.”

Okay, I haven’t had sex since April of this year. My mind went to the gutter right away when my daughter said that phrase yesterday. WHAT?! Please, don’t say things like that around my kid!!

Luckily, my daughter thought the phrase was annoying and stupid. She just said it because she said she was tired of hearing that phrase – guess girlfriend said it a lot over the weekend.

Curious, I asked what context it was used: Apparently, girlfriend got bitchy about something and then apologized that the diet was making her crabby and she just needed to lick a biscuit. (Hmm… could still mean something dirty. ha-ha)

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

“I Give Up”

Not going to lie, I had some horrible thoughts last night.

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. Actually, it was a fairly typical Monday. After school, my daughter had cheer practice and then a cooking class. So, it was late by the time we got home.

I went into the kitchen to pack her lunch for school for the next day. Went to wash my hands… nothing. Shit! We have no water!!

Of course, I tried each tap in the house. Still nothing. I walked around the house – inside and outside – listening for leaks. Nothing. I looked at the water heater. Didn’t see a puddle of water or anything.

By this time, I’m panicking. What am I going to do?!? We can not NOT have water!!

Now, if I was still married I would have a guy around to help with this situation. haha.

I’m thinking, okay if it is the water heater there is no money to buy a new one. How am I going to manage that? What if I need to hire a plumber?

Of course, I am trying to think of what bills I could avoid paying for a month or two and risk late fees and final notices. I’m trying to think of what I might be able to pawn for some quick cash. I have my wedding ring set – which has been in my family for several generations – that is probably the only thing of value I own. Could I really pawn it? I’m thinking maybe I could beg ex or my parents for some money. Maybe I could go to the bank and ask for a personal loan – but, seriously,  would a bank give me a loan right now. I think to myself, if I was thinner and prettier I could easily find a sugar daddy and get some quick cash for this mess.

All of these thoughts are really starting to affect me! I went to bed – still having no water – and trying to figure out what I was going to do. A really scary thought popped into my head, if I don’t get water then I am not providing a safe environment for my daughter. CPS would take her from me. This thought really pushes my depression and anxiety over the edge. “I give up.” I cannot handle this. Every time I jump a hurdle, another one appears.

Panic and stress fuel the suicidal thoughts. Sleep was absolutely impossible last night.

About 2am, I’m still wide awake. I get on my phone. Scrolling on social media, I see a beautiful post – another person with the same water company, asking if anyone else is without water. I huge sigh of relief spills over me.

I was able to get maybe thirty minutes of much needed sleep last night. Hopefully, the water will be back on today.

It’s crazy how quickly anxiety and depression can take over. Those that do not have anxiety and don’t understand it would probably think – you really went overboard very quickly. That is how anxiety works. It takes over and a million thoughts raced at once. You feel overwhelmed. Then depressed because you feel powerless in your own life.

Just really glad it’s not an issue that is going to cost me any money – this time…

Random Thoughts for Today

Weight loss update; C-section story; Co-parenting Guilt; and Online dating adventures…

My mind has a million thoughts racing around today. So, let’s see if I can place some of this randomness in enough order its easy to understand and follow.

Weight Loss Update

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted about my weight loss journey. Honestly, I’ve slacked a bit on my exercising. I live in a trailer house and during the summer months its like living in a tin can. I make the excuse of the heat to pass on working out for the day.

I have been mindful of what I eat, and when I eat. It’s easy for us to just grab something in town. My daughter has so many activities that fast food is just convenient. I am cooking at home.

So, drum roll please… I’ve lost 11 lbs.

I know, that’s not much. I still have so much more to lose, but baby steps. When I began this weight loss journey I weighed 280 lbs. I want the weight to stay off. I want to make it be a habit, not a fad diet. I know with diets I would lose the weight, and once I stop the diet I would gain all the weight back. So, I stepped on the scale – honestly, very nervous – but it read 269. It’s a start.

C-Section

I had a planned c-section with my daughter. During my pregnancy I was sick morning, noon, and night. For two weeks straight, I could not keep anything down – not even water. I lost 24lbs during those two weeks. I was so sure I was going to have a miscarriage. At 9 weeks, I found a new doctor. (My first doctor – during those two weeks – would not return my calls. When I did have an appointment, I did not even get to meet the doctor. I had her nurse. The nurse only focused on how fat I was. The nurse told me if I planned on actually having the baby I better lose some weight.)

My new doctor was amazing. He told me that I could still have a healthy baby even at my weight. When I scheduled an appointment with the new doctor, he admitted me to the hospital. I was severely dehydrated. He also wanted a ultrasound to see how the baby was. During that 9 week ultrasound, they found two tumors. He told me that the tumors would have to be removed after I gave birth to my daughter. We decided instead of making me go through labor, delivery, and then surgery, I would just have a c-section.

Before my c-section, I’d never even had a surgery. I’d never had a cavity or even broken a bone. I did not know what to really expect. I’d never met anyone who’d had a c-section before.

I’ve never regretted having a c-section. I actually plan on getting a c-section awareness tattoo. I do wander if I will be able to give birth naturally or automatically another c-section if and when I get pregnant again.

A friend on Facebook had a c-section earlier this week. Yesterday, she posted about her fear and the feeling of being strapped down and not having control of her body. Along with this statement, she shared a post. The post was from another woman, who’d had two c-sections (planned and emergency). I read through the post. I’ve had a c-section and that post was terrifying. She had a negative spin on the entire situation. She talked about the pain was unbearable.

Okay, I get it, we all have different pain tolerances. I used to self-injure. Cutting is nothing for me. I have 12 tattoos, a walk in the park – except for the 3 hour one on my thigh. I was good for the first 2.5 hours. That last 30 minutes, I thought I was going to cry.

The post talked about how painful the spinal block was. In my experience, it was a slight pinch. Then you feel pressure going through your spine. The post talked about feeling all the tearing and moving. Okay, yes. You feel everything! But… and this but is important… There is no pain!! You are numb! It feels like you are being unzipped. You feel the tugging, the cutting, the moving of your organs. You feel all this weight loss when they pull out the baby. I felt more tugging and pulling when the doctor removed the tumors. (One was 14 centimeters, and other was 10 centimeters. He said they were so tough, he could not cut through either of them.)

The most pain I remember is when they removed the catheter, or when removing the staples – one staple was crooked. It took the nurse cutting the staple in half and twisting it out. It was a stinging pain, but I would do it all again for my daughter.

I see posts of woman calling c-sections the “easy” way out. First off, child birth is not easy, I don’t care if it was natural or c-section. Our bodies go through a lot to bring a child into this world. There’s tearing, and cutting. There’s pain. There’s healing.

Guilt from a Disneyland Co-parent

My ex has money to waste, and he does. I struggle to make my bills some months. Occasionally, I am able to waste money and take my daughter to the movies or something fun.

Ex was deployed during July 4 – his favorite holiday. He gave girlfriend a couple hundreds of dollars to buy fireworks. They shot the fireworks off last night. My daughter texts me, telling me how awesome the fireworks were. I reply, I’m glad.

I am glad she had fun. I am sorry I was not able to buy fireworks – actually there is a post about that situation. I offered to buy some, and my daughter said not to worry about it.

I hate feeling like the loser parent. The UN fun parent. I pay my bills. I make sure my child is fed. We play games, we visit. I take her to her millions of activities. I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but I still feel guilty, and jealous.

Online Dating

Had a guy message me yesterday. He was very attractive. Hated that his profile pictures included children – I assume his, but you never really know. That is a red flag. Next red flag, his profile said he was from one state and he stated he was from a different state. Hmm… two red flags. Sorry buddy, you’re blocked.

Damn. I was hoping for some conversation.

Oh well, my search continues.

One step forward, Two steps back

One step forward, and two steps back… That’s how I feel my healing progress is going.

Tuesday I felt so successful – I’d talked to ex about girlfriend not having a picture of my daughter (you can go and read my post titled “Success.”), and explained to ex that it hurt my daughter’s feelings that girlfriend did not have a picture. I even offered to buy a frame and a picture to give to girlfriend.

Then yesterday, all my success came crashing down around me. I found myself worrying what the hell did I do wrong? Why does ex get rewarded and I get punished?

I was loyal during our marriage. He cheated. Now, I’m single with no prospects of even getting a date, much less having a relationship. He has been with girlfriend off and on for three years. Granted, I don’t want their relationship (I was with ex for fifteen years, so I do know how he is), but at least he has someone to spend time with, have sex with, and to be with.

Girlfriend’s birthday was Tuesday. He told my daughter he felt horrible and that he was a “bad boyfriend” because he did not send girlfriend flowers to work. WHAT?!? In the fifteen years I was with him, I NEVER received flowers at work. Hell, I really don’t remember too many gifts for my birthday (which money spent was not important. I didn’t want gifts. I wanted his time. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to put his damn phone down – from texting other women – and be with me). Plus, he took my daughter to the store and made her help him pick girlfriend out some gifts – apparently spent well over $100 (again, my daughter complained because ex doesn’t spend that much on my daughter for her birthday). My daughter complained to me that she had to find the correct perfume because ex doesn’t know what girlfriend likes.

I heard all of this from my daughter. So, honestly there was some hurt (Okay, a lot of hurt — is girlfriend that much better than I am? If so, then what the hell is wrong with me? I get I have dealt with abuse and have depression as a result of the abuse. So, does that mean no one is able to love and care for someone with a past consisting of abuse? Does that mean if you have anxiety and depression then you are not worth the love and affection of others?). He feels guilty for being a bad boyfriend, but no remorse for being a bad husband or father? Seriously??

It continued to get worse. I found out that ex and my mom have been calling and texting each other. Really? My mom hated ex during our entire relationship, and now they’re friends. What the hell did I miss? Once again, why am I being punished? Ex was abusive in our relationship. We did not go visit families, he refused. Now, he is all about his family, and girlfriend’s family. Now, he is all about my family, too? My family doesn’t even call or attempt to visit me. I have to make the effort. Then it ends up being a horrible situation.

No, the failure continues.

Ex pays half of the state minimum child support that was based on his income five years ago. I agreed to it because I thought he would help out when our daughter needed something extra. Ex is full time military now. He makes good money. I have not taken him back to court to change child support. I should, I know. But I am not after his money (despite what people say and think). But it hurts that I struggle every month and he has money to burn. He complains that he has to buy our daughter stuff – school supplies, clothes. He complains to our daughter even! However, he gladly spends money on girlfriend and her three kids.

Next bit of jealously… Ex bought a third – yes a THIRD – vehicle. Seriously? I have a piece of shit car that I can’t rely on. It is definitely my money pit. Why am I being punished? Why is the universe mocking me? What life lesson do I need to learn to get over all of this hurdles?

My night ended with ex picking up my daughter from my house… in his new vehicle… with his girlfriend. Really? I am not allowed to know where she lives, but he constantly brings her to my house. I really just want to know where she lives because ex sleeps there with my daughter all of the time. What if something happens and I have to get my daughter? I don’t have a clue where to go.

After a day like that, I have to ask myself why am I being punished? When will the universe give me a break?

Then the thought of maybe I should have not failed my suicide attempt years ago. I try to be positive and I know my daughter needs me. But this divorced, single mom life sucks and is difficult.

I knew it would be hard. I had no idea that five years later it would still be this much of a struggle.

$5, free movie, and a free cupcake!

I’m already ready to send ex back on another deployment… I am tired of him making my daughter cry! He had her for Monday and Tuesday. I said I was getting her last night. Then she will go back to him this evening until Sunday.

Yesterday was an annual 4-H event. My daughter made a pumpkin pie for the contest. Won first place, and won five dollars. Yay!! The pie was delicious, too. She is also a member of the 4-H Teen Leaders. So, she helped lead songs and games during the day. She did a great job! I loved seeing her step up and show her leadership skills. She also hosted Minute It To Win It games. She had to explain and demonstrate each game. The kids had so much fun!! And it kept them busy and entertained with simple materials – mentos, soda, plastic cups, card-stock, m&m’s, straws, cookies. It was wonderful! My ex was there. I spoke to him twice the entire time – once I asked if he would help me carry stuff outside for our daughter’s activity (I couldn’t carry 2 liter sodas and chairs at the same time. lol); second time was to see what he thought of her games after everything was done (trying to get him involved as a parent). Other than that, he was either in the corner staring at his phone or outside on his phone – I assume with girlfriend – the entire time.

As we were leaving, (apparently before ex and I talked on Tuesday night about when I was getting my daughter, he had told her that he was going to take her to a rock climbing gym after 4-H) ex says to our daughter “I was going to go to get some hibachi, but now I get to eat some pizza.” He includes naming the restaurants. The hibachi restaurant is my daughter’s favorite restaurant! And to tease her about getting to go to the pizza place – yeah, my kid doesn’t like pizza but she likes pasta and sandwiches from that restaurant and that is the town where the rock climbing gym is. She gets in the car crying. She said that was mean of him to tease her like that about him getting to go. I completely agree! Not a way for a grown man to behave – EVER!!

I had actually planned on just going home and hanging out with my daughter at the house. Money is tight, so I wasn’t planning on spending any money. However, after ex’s childish stunt, I felt so bad for my daughter. I hate that money is so tight, but I was going to go ahead and do something fun and go ahead and spend some money. I took her to the town ex was going to – luckily we did not run into each other. But I took my daughter to the movies. This theater has a loyalty program – every time you spend a dollar you get a point; eventually you get enough points for free stuff (popcorn, soda, movie tickets). My daughter wanted to use her $5 that she won to help pay for the movie – her ticket was $6.50. I went to pay for the tickets and he told me I earned a free ticket with my loyalty card – WOOHOO!! So, we watched a movie and only paid $6.50, which having that $5 from her winnings I really only spent $1.50. Works for me!! The movie was very funny. We really enjoyed it.

Afterwards, we went to the hibachi restaurant. We shared a meal, which is more than enough food and it is cheaper buying one meal instead of two. Plus, I have leftovers for tonight when my daughter goes back to ex’s house. Win-win. Anyway, at the restaurant, there was a family – mother, daughter, father – sitting at our grill. The mother and daughter were both having a birthday – this restaurant will sing to you in Japanese and you get a free cupcake if it is your birthday. The mother asked my daughter if she would like to have her cupcake – apparently they had a lot of birthday cake at their home, so she didn’t want more sugar.

I thought our day worked out so well. I got to spend more time with my daughter – we watched a movie and really only paid a buck-fifty, she got to eat at her favorite restaurant, and she got a cupcake.

I did not get to take her to the climbing gym because they were closed after the movie was over, but really don’t think she minded too much.

During this time, my daughter texted her dad – I think she was curious if he was going to take girlfriend and her kids to the climbing gym without her. He said he was in the same town as us, but he was at the youngest kid’s dentist appointment for her braces then they were taking girlfriend’s car in for an oil change. Seriously? I am so glad I got my daughter. How boring of a day just sitting around waiting for them to finish their errands. I kind of wonder if he really was going to take her to the climbing gym or if it was just another one of her empty promises.

She also told me that she tried showing ex her cheers multiple times and he kept making excuses of why he couldn’t watch her right then.

I used to hate when my daughter would tell me about ex and girlfriend. It was like pouring salt into an open wound and then rubbing it as hard as possible. I left horrible that he chose girlfriend over me. I don’t mind my daughter telling about them now. That is part of her life. When she is not with me, that is who she is with and if she wants to tell me then I will listen.

Apparently, ex bought girlfriend a new rug, earrings, necklace, and china. He bought her kids new clothes, toys, and a Xbox. My daughter got a necklace. (Fine, it he wants to spend all of his money on them great! Don’t show my daughter how much more they got then she did).

He is now wanting to move in with girlfriend. I don’t know how that will work – they break up often. He even told my daughter after one break up that it was girlfriend’s time of the month. Really? That’s how you talk about women to your daughter?!?!

All I could really do was tell her I am sorry her dad behaves like that. I am not sorry he is her father, because he and I created her. Without him, I would not have my daughter. So, I can not apologize for him being her father. I can not change him. He obviously prefers girlfriend and her kids. I am not making excuses for him.

Then my daughter said something that surprised me. Girlfriend’s oldest is out of high school – the daughter and girlfriend do not get along. Apparently, the daughter was visiting and got into an argument with girlfriend and ended up calling her a toxic narcissist. Yes!! That is why ex and girlfriend mesh so well, they are so much alike!! That saying opposites attract, hmm. I don’t know. Ex and I are complete opposites with money, for example. I want to save it. If I spend it for something other than bills/food, I want it to be spent on family activities or my daughter. I hate having gifts bought for me. I don’t like the thought of wasting money on flowers – they will be dead in a few days; jewelry – I don’t wear any, except earrings, and I’m allergic to gold. However, girlfriend demanded ex buy her a new purse – a $200 purse – because her other one (another $200 purse he had bought her) had a scratch on the bottom of it. They can have it each other. Apparently, they deserve each other. I just hate my daughter gets stuck in that situation.

And sometimes when my daughter tells me about them, it makes me laugh. Apparently, Tuesday night ex cooked tacos at girlfriend’s house – my ex can only cook 3 meals. I do not miss having to eat his tacos, yuck. But apparently girlfriend is on another diet. They got in an argument because he added taco seasoning to her meat. She told him she could only eat 20 grams a day. I asked my daughter 20 grams of what? Surely not 20 grams of food. But I used that as a great learning moment for my daughter. I starved myself for years and tried diets. So I got to tell my daughter about the importance of eating healthy and exercising. To avoid fad diets.