I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past few nights. Insomnia has been my friend for so many years. Exhaustion usually takes over and I find some sleep. However, the past few nights have been a little different. Last night, I had a dream about work. The night before, I had a dream that I died, which crazy thing is my daughter dreamed I died that night too.
Think this weekend has all this nervous energy built up in me. Tomorrow I am driving a few hours away to visit family. I have not seen my family in a few months. The last visit – hell, the last few visits – have not gone well. They usually result in my mom screaming at me or crying. The last time even included her calling me names. So, why even go there? Because my grandfather is asking to see me and my daughter. His stage 4 cancer has sent him to the ER twice in a week. Within that week, he has lost six pounds (He is 6’4 and is now down to 101lbs). He stays either in bed or in his wheelchair.
I know I have to go. I know I have to take my daughter to see him and say goodbye. I don’t know if I can do this!! Every time I think about it I start crying. I know it is okay, and healthy, to mourn the loss of loved ones. I just hope I am strong enough to handle all of this for my daughter. I know what is going to be harder than seeing him like this, is going to be attending the funeral. My daughter has never been to a funeral. It has been well over ten years since I have attended one. But, when I was seven, I lost my grandmother – the person I was closest to in the entire world – to cancer. I was told I could not let her see me cry. So, the last day I went to visit her I could not bring myself to walk up to her bed to tell her that I loved her. She passed away that night. At the funeral, I was kind of numb. I did not cry during the main part of the funeral. It wasn’t until the part where the family walks past the casket to view. My dad completely broke down. I had never seen my dad cry or fall apart like that. To see him like that brought me to tears. So, I don’t know what my grandfather’s funeral will be like. This is my dad’s father. So all of these memories are in the back of my mind.
I find myself wondering if I was still married or if I was in a relationship would it be easier. I would have a shoulder to cry on. I would have a person to be my rock. Then a new fear pops into my mind, what if I end up being single. I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to worry about spending my final days not having loved ones around. What if I die alone, how long would it take for someone to actually find me?
Then, to add to this situation, my ex-husband is returning from his deployment within a couple of days. I hope there is no drama. We have talked some through texts – about our daughter. And the conversation is civil. Hoping it stays civil.
I’m just ready to get this weekend over with…