Nervous energy

I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past few nights. Insomnia has been my friend for so many years. Exhaustion usually takes over and I find some sleep. However, the past few nights have been a little different. Last night, I had a dream about work. The night before, I had a dream that I died, which crazy thing is my daughter dreamed I died that night too.

Think this weekend has all this nervous energy built up in me. Tomorrow I am driving a few hours away to visit family. I have not seen my family in a few months. The last visit – hell, the last few visits – have not gone well. They usually result in my mom screaming at me or crying. The last time even included her calling me names. So, why even go there? Because my grandfather is asking to see me and my daughter. His stage 4 cancer has sent him to the ER twice in a week. Within that week, he has lost six pounds (He is 6’4 and is now down to 101lbs). He stays either in bed or in his wheelchair.

I know I have to go. I know I have to take my daughter to see him and say goodbye. I don’t know if I can do this!! Every time I think about it I start crying. I know it is okay, and healthy, to mourn the loss of loved ones. I just hope I am strong enough to handle all of this for my daughter. I know what is going to be harder than seeing him like this, is going to be attending the funeral. My daughter has never been to a funeral. It has been well over ten years since I have attended one. But, when I was seven, I lost my grandmother – the person I was closest to in the entire world – to cancer. I was told I could not let her see me cry. So, the last day I went to visit her I could not bring myself to walk up to her bed to tell her that I loved her. She passed away that night. At the funeral, I was kind of numb. I did not cry during the main part of the funeral. It wasn’t until the part where the family walks past the casket to view. My dad completely broke down. I had never seen my dad cry or fall apart like that. To see him like that brought me to tears. So, I don’t know what my grandfather’s funeral will be like. This is my dad’s father. So all of these memories are in the back of my mind.

I find myself wondering if I was still married or if I was in a relationship would it be easier. I would have a shoulder to cry on. I would have a person to be my rock. Then a new fear pops into my mind, what if I end up being single. I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to worry about spending my final days not having loved ones around. What if I die alone, how long would it take for someone to actually find me?

Then, to add to this situation, my ex-husband is returning from his deployment within a couple of days. I hope there is no drama. We have talked some through texts – about our daughter. And the conversation is civil. Hoping it stays civil.

I’m just ready to get this weekend over with…


Feeling stuck.

Ever look at your life and think this is not what I pictured for myself?

Even though I could not imagine a future past the age of thirty with my ex-husband, I didn’t imagine going through life alone.

Even though I was madly in love with my ex during and after the divorce, and was still faithful to only him for two years after the divorce, I really believed the man of my dreams would walk into my life. We would be able to build a life together: live together, have kids, share adventures. I didn’t imagine five years down the road, I would still be waiting for this dream man.

I have been divorced for five years and now I’m feeling stuck. I continue to go onto the dating sites. I don’t really try. Most guys are scams or just wanting a hook up. I haven’t been on a date since April. I want to date – ideally, I want to be in a relationship – but I don’t find anyone on those sites interesting.

I think its hitting me a little harder right now because money is super tight. I am budgeting on a very small amount of money – I have maybe $100 to my name until the end of the month. I do miss the double income house lifestyle of when I was married.

My ex is about to return from his deployment. My daughter will start going back to his house, and I will sit at home alone with the dog. I am not really used to having “kid free” time; and not dating anyone, I’m not sure what to do with that time right now.

Seeing other couples also makes it hard. I saw one couple celebrating their 15 year anniversary and posting it to social media. Congratulations to them, but a comment she made on the post about ‘they were still together only because they were not quitters’ kind of stung. I am not a quitter. I am not divorced because I gave up on my marriage or gave up on this dream I had for my little family. Another post that really hit hard was a pregnancy announcement. I am happy for her. She is in her second marriage. Her child from her first marriage is a year older than mine. So, I’m hoping there is still a chance for me to have that true love, an amazing husband, more kids, a great life.

However, until then… I’m feeling stuck.

What’s broken now?

One thing I seriously took for granted while I was married was the convenience of having someone around to fix things when they broke. I do remember one time when I was married and ex was deployed, I had to fix the stove. Before I started, I taught my daughter how to call 9-1-1 just in case. I felt like a rock star after I was done and the stove worked perfectly. Of course, when I told ex about my success he bitched at me and said I should had called one of our dad’s to fix it.

After I filed for divorce, I continued to live with ex for seven months while I tried to find a house. I really did consider finding a place to rent that way I would have a landlord to help with maintenance. However, I could not justify spending that much to rent a place and never end up owning my own home.

In the past 18 months, I have had to replace the a couple of appliances; one being the washer. Easy, right? The guys who deliver the new appliance hooks it up and hauls away the old one. Right? Well, apparently they will not hook up a new appliance if you do not have new hoses. I felt pretty accomplished getting the washer hooked up.

Now, my car I am not very useful with fixing anything on the car. My car is a complete rebuild. So, it has numerous issues. It is definitely my money pit. In less than a year, I have had to replace all four tires, the motor, the brakes, the fuel line, the window, the locks, the A/C, and have the transmission worked on.

So, now I feel like everything is just falling apart. A stray cat broke into my heating vents under the house. I am seriously not thrilled about that scenario. My water heater is now showing signs of wanting to quit. And yesterday, I went to turn on the kitchen light and it took a while for it to come on. Great, that’s all I need is the wires to short out and set a fire in the wall or ceiling.

Apparently I need to start dating a man that is good with his hands, haha. Actually, it’s not even the task of finding someone to fix all of this. It’s finding the money to pay for all of this to be fixed.

It is stressful and depressing.

Once in a lifetime opportunity.

Yesterday was the last day of cheer camp for my daughter. The squad put on a performance for the parents at the end of the day. They did an awesome job. It’s amazing how far our seventh grade cheerleaders have come since they first started cheering – many of them have been cheering together since third grade, my daughter included.

At the end of the camp there was also an award ceremony. My daughter received an award for her leadership skills and overall cheer skills. Awesome! The award included a medal and a certificate. The award also includes a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The once in a lifetime opportunity is getting to perform with the group (everyone that received this award at cheer camp over the summer in the country) at a halftime show at a major football game in a completely different state. Sounds awesome, right? It is a week long event. The actual performance is on my daughter’s thirteenth birthday. She mentioned that would be an awesome birthday. Again, I completely agree.

So, what’s the issue? Money.

It is going to cost over two-thousand-dollars per performer. Depending on how many people stay in one room, the cost could be over three-thousand-dollars per non-performer. This includes a five day, four night stay in a hotel; five meals per person; a charter bus to all events and locations; a ticket to an amusement park; the performer gets a costume for the football game; a ticket to the football event; and various other items.

The money is a major issue. I sent my family a message yesterday; their response: “tell ex-husband.” That was it. Not, “oh how about this idea” or “we could donate five dollars.” So, obviously family is out of the question.

I contacted ex. He is still deployed. Surprisingly, he thinks it would be a great thing for our daughter to go. For the past thirty minutes we have been communicating via text on how could this work? How would she get there? How are we going to come up with the money?

Of course, ex automatically asked if instead of staying at the assigned hotel could they just stay on a military base (which would be cheaper), but if the company needs the girls at the hotel for practice you would think they need to be guests at that hotel. I don’t know. I’m just glad he did not automatically say “no.” There might be a chance my kid gets to have this awesome experience – and for it to be on her thirteenth birthday, wow that would be a birthday to remember.

Would I be okay with ex taking her and I not go (because seriously, for non-performers it is going to be over three-thousand dollars. That is not in my budget – unless I win the lottery or find a sugar daddy, gross)? I want her to go. At least if ex goes then I know she would be okay. I’m sure she would stay so busy with practices and assigned group activities that she would have fun. I figure parents are going to be stuck having to entertain themselves for the majority of the trip, which would work out better if I stayed home and continued to work (five days of no income and spending over three thousand dollars, yikes). I’m pretty sure I could get pictures and videos from all of the events and activities for the entire week from ex (and if any other cheerleaders from our area go).

I can handle being away from my daughter for a week, I think haha. I would know that she would be having this amazing adventure and I would get to hear all about it when she gets back home. However, missing her birthday? Could I forgive myself? Would she forgive me?