Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Reflecting

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So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

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I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELLĀ  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

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Thanksgiving Week

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

This week has been busy for me. My daughter didn’t have to go to school on Tuesday, since she’d scored so well on exams. So, we’d planned on going to the movies – on Tuesday’s during the day movies are only $5 (so $3 cheaper than they normally are) and you get free popcorn. I still had to work on Tuesday, plus I started my new job on Monday. Lots of work. I met the deadline – a day ahead of schedule, yay. The new job is going to be challenging, but I really think I’m going to love it. It is as a content writer. Actually, if this new job works out like I’m hoping it will, my plan is to quit the one job. The one that seems to always involve technical issues. If you are late then you get fined $20. My internet at the house is not good enough for the job, so I have to drive to another location. So, I think if the content writer job pans out then it would make sense for me to quit this job. That would help save some gas, plus I would get more sleep and not be spread so thin. I’ll continue to think about it. May also wait another six months – extra money would be wonderful, and I could try build my savings and checking accounts back up. You’re supposed to have enough saved up to live on for 3-6 months. I used to have that, then everything kept happening and I kept having to replace appliances or parts on the car. Always something. That is what is worrying me right now, I have money in my account – so I’m questioning myself: What bill did I not pay? Why do I have money in my account? (It’s so rare.)

My daughter did some volunteer work this week. It was wonderful seeing her do that.

I had a “first experience” this week: I hit a deer with my car. I was on my way into work. Of course, the one morning my daughter is in the car with me, I hit a deer. It was 3am and there were three deer in the road. I seen the first one and missed it. Then the other two ran into the road. I tried to dodge them, which my reaction did keep the deer from completely rolling over my car. Instead of hitting it right in the middle of the car, I caught it with the front corner. As soon as I hit it, my daughter started crying. It had hit on her side. I was worried she was injured. No, she was upset that I killed a deer. Luckily the damage is barely anything. The front next to the headlight is caved in. Some dings and dents and missing paint on the front bumper and my door – where the hooves hit. I talked to my insurance. I have a $250 deductible. Yikes. I found a guy that can fix it for $65. Yay!

This morning, driving on the same road at the same time – and my daughter in the car again – I was so worried I would see another deer. No, guess deer avoid roads on black Friday. Works for me!!

My daughter asked if I told ex about hitting a deer, I said “no.” Here’s the thing: If it had been worse – if one of us had been injured or if my car was not drive-able, then yes I would have told ex. Other than that, it is none of his business. He is not going to help pay for the damages, so why tell him? I told her she could tell him about it if she wanted to, I didn’t care. She chose not to tell him either, which she’ll be back with him for a couple of days she might change her mind.

Apparently, girlfriend does not cook. When we (ex and I) were together, I would cook us a Thanksgiving meal – we could eat on leftovers forever – and we would go to both families to have Thanksgiving – the families did not like each other, so we never had a holiday where we did not have to split between the two families (guess just preparing for the divorce. ha-ha). But since ex has been with her, for Thanksgiving they go to the mountain – where he popped the question – and pay for a meal at the lodge; $20 a person. Yikes! Oh well, I guess. As long as he still has money to support our daughter, I don’t care where else his money goes. But my daughter sent me a video of the ring – my little spy. lol. The ring is stupidly big. I knew it would be. But what I loved was in the video – my daughter took the video while in the car so no one would notice – ex and girlfriend were kind of “holding hands.” Ex just had his hand laying there. Girlfriend had hers just laying on top of his. Does anyone watch “Everybody Loves Raymond”? You know the episode where they’re talking about his hand holding is like holding a dead fish? That’s what it reminded me of. I remember holding hands with ex. When our relationship was new, we actually did hold hands. There was effort from both of us. We played and teased with our fingers. Then it did turn into his hand was just plopped there, no effort. Yeah. Not jealous. I want the relationship where there is effort. The teasing and playing. I want to be the cute, little elderly couple that still hold hands.

Anyway, so how Thanksgiving works since our divorce: ex takes all of them to the lodge and then we meet up and I head to see my family. Ex was late yesterday – nothing new, but still annoying. My daughter was so excited to see me. I got to hear about all the pie she ate at the lodge.

We got to my parents’ house and it was the typical situation it always is. My folks didn’t talk to me nor my daughter. My mom played sick the entire time (and I know what you are thinking – maybe she really was sick. Doubt it. That is how she behaves EVERY TIME I’m there). So, my dad focused on her the whole time. She laid on the couch. So, there was no place to sit (their living room has one chair and one couch, and the chair is dad’s chair). I figured they would ask about my new job; what happened to my car; how’s life; SOMETHING!!! No. I tried to talk to them. I got dismissed. Forget it. So, the kids and grandkids went to another room and played video games. I am so proud of my daughter though. Her personality shined through. She did not let them discourage her. She kept the same energy and was herself the whole time.

Honestly, I don’t know why I bother with going to their house. I only go maybe 3-5 times a year (usually Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and if something else comes up). You would think they would be more willing to visit with us while we are there since it is so rare. Oh well, guess I will make the trip next month and then not have to worry about it for a few more months.

Sad those are my feelings about visiting family – especially with the holidays right here. But, seriously, that is the reason I deal with so many mental issues. That is the reason I felt I did not deserve better with ex or anyone else. Any attention was wonderful – positive or negative; attention is attention.

I refuse to make my daughter feel that way!

Ever since the divorce, I have always taken my daughter to the movies on Thanksgiving. So, lucky kid got to go to the movies three times this week (twice with me, and ex took all of them to the movies).

She started crying last night because she did not want to go back to ex and girlfriend today. I hate that! I would love to have her 24/7. But, I have to be the good parent. I tried to think of positive things about her going over there.

She asked me to talk to ex if he would bring her back on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning.

…Shit…

Wonder how he is going to respond to that request…

I did get to do something awesome at work – the photography job – the other day. Had a man bring in a picture of his mother that was photographed in Germany during the war. Beautiful picture. Dramatic lighting. He wanted to recreate the picture – the lighting and everything. It was a fun shoot. I was in love with the lighting and effects. This man – probably in his 70’s – posed like you would not believe. I did not have to say “look this way” or “turn like this,” he posed. Pose after pose after pose. It was fun.

So, online dating: I actually started talking to someone again. Nothing to really report, yet. His pictures are okay looking. He hasn’t been a complete ass, yet. We’ll see what happens. Not having really high hopes, but it is nice to chat with someone.

My mom both something on social media the other day about wanting more grandchildren. Yeah, I would love to have another child. BUT I am not raising a child alone. I want to find a great man.

 

 

Daydreaming

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I have always been a daydreamer. Growing up I would daydream to escape. I would imagine moving to a different school where I wasn’t picked on and bullied. I would imagine having a group of friends that I could depend on and do things with.

When I started dating my ex-husband, I would try to imagine what life would be like – what I actually wanted our marriage to be like together. I would daydream to keep myself company on the nights that he was working or during the times he was deployed. I would also find myself daydreaming during times he was there – I would get lost inside my own head even during sex. I would trick myself to believe it was great. I would daydream about this wonderful sexual experience with my ex.

Even now, I find myself imagining a life I wish I had – especially when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter. I love my life. But, I still find myself wanting, wishing, and dreaming for more – a new relationship, a better car, when I no longer struggle with money, a day ex and I can co-parent like I want us to for our daughter.

Then I feel like I am failing, because 1. I’m not “content” with what I have since I am daydreaming; 2. I’m not achieving what I “wish” to have. This makes my energy and motivation fly right out the window. All I want to do is sleep. Crawl under the covers and disappear until everything is how I “wish” it would be.

This weekend, I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed my weekend. Ex is deployed for a week or two. I have my daughter the whole time. We watched movies, talked, drew pictures. We laughed. I don’t want to daydream my life away. She is growing up so fast.

At work, I stay in the moment. I want to do the best I can. I enjoy my job.

But, later today I will find myself still daydreaming.

 

 

Feeling Odd

Don’t know how to explain it other than: I feel unmotivated. I feel lost. I feel unwanted. I feel like I am failing.

I know it is stress, and probably a little depression.

I use music to help mentally. I was in the mood for something heavy. I could not find a song to satisfy me. I even listened to a specific death metal band – on a normal day, I would not be able to listen to because I can not understand the lyrics and they give me a horrible headache. This time, no. The lyrics were clear. They were not heavy enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of death metal, and black metal – but this certain band I CANNOT STAND, but this time they were tame.

Online dating for the past few days, has been a complete joke. Pervs, sugar daddy’s, married men, and absolute losers are all that message. I really wonder if there is a good guy online – single, intelligent, good heart, great father, has a career.

I’ve become a tad addicted to painting here lately. I am getting better. I know if I had fine tip brushes or paint pens my lines and details would be even more amazing. I also know if I had access to rocks about palm size or larger, I would be able to do incredible images. My daughter thinks I should try selling them. I am really considering it. I have some great ideas. I don’t know if anyone would buy. I see painted rocks for sell online, so I assume there is a market for them. Then it’s the issue of coming up with the supplies – rocks, packaging, etc.

I will continue to practice and perfect my skills. I will continue to save and attempt to sell them. I think it is a good, healthy hobby. My daughter also paints with me – she is amazing. Her rocks are beautiful. She actually steals the largest rocks to paint for herself – haha.

Nervous energy

I haven’t been sleeping very well for the past few nights. Insomnia has been my friend for so many years. Exhaustion usually takes over and I find some sleep. However, the past few nights have been a little different. Last night, I had a dream about work. The night before, I had a dream that I died, which crazy thing is my daughter dreamed I died that night too.

Think this weekend has all this nervous energy built up in me. Tomorrow I am driving a few hours away to visit family. I have not seen my family in a few months. The last visit – hell, the last few visits – have not gone well. They usually result in my mom screaming at me or crying. The last time even included her calling me names. So, why even go there? Because my grandfather is asking to see me and my daughter. His stage 4 cancer has sent him to the ER twice in a week. Within that week, he has lost six pounds (He is 6’4 and is now down to 101lbs). He stays either in bed or in his wheelchair.

I know I have to go. I know I have to take my daughter to see him and say goodbye. I don’t know if I can do this!! Every time I think about it I start crying. I know it is okay, and healthy, to mourn the loss of loved ones. I just hope I am strong enough to handle all of this for my daughter. I know what is going to be harder than seeing him like this, is going to be attending the funeral. My daughter has never been to a funeral. It has been well over ten years since I have attended one. But, when I was seven, I lost my grandmother – the person I was closest to in the entire world – to cancer. I was told I could not let her see me cry. So, the last day I went to visit her I could not bring myself to walk up to her bed to tell her that I loved her. She passed away that night. At the funeral, I was kind of numb. I did not cry during the main part of the funeral. It wasn’t until the part where the family walks past the casket to view. My dad completely broke down. I had never seen my dad cry or fall apart like that. To see him like that brought me to tears. So, I don’t know what my grandfather’s funeral will be like. This is my dad’s father. So all of these memories are in the back of my mind.

I find myself wondering if I was still married or if I was in a relationship would it be easier. I would have a shoulder to cry on. I would have a person to be my rock. Then a new fear pops into my mind, what if I end up being single. I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to worry about spending my final days not having loved ones around. What if I die alone, how long would it take for someone to actually find me?

Then, to add to this situation, my ex-husband is returning from his deployment within a couple of days. I hope there is no drama. We have talked some through texts – about our daughter. And the conversation is civil. Hoping it stays civil.

I’m just ready to get this weekend over with…

Motivation

Some days it is hard to find and to keep motivation. It is even harder when living with anxiety and depression.

However, I stayed motivated with my exercising this weekend. My daughter is at camp – she usually works out with me. I worked out alone and actually increased my workout length on Friday. Not to mention, I did a 40 second plank. A small accomplishment, but it is progress! I can actually tell a difference already.

So glad I kept the motivation needed for my exercising. I am proud of myself. However, there are other parts of my life that I see a lack of motivation.

Dating.

I just cannot find anyone to have a conversation with online. Obviously if I cannot have a conversation with them online then I do not want to go on a date with them either. I just keep thinking about the serial cheater and what he did to me – I hate that I allowed myself to be played. I hate that I ignored the red flags. I hate that I didn’t mean anything to him, and I started falling in love with him. I hate that he is probably still being a serial cheater, and I am so leery that I don’t even attempt to hold a conversation with anyone on those dating sites. What if the guys are married, engaged, or even just in a relationship and just trying to use me for “fun?” I have built my walls up again – even higher, and thicker this time. I want to date. I want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be played. I don’t have the motivation to look for Mr. Right. I secretly hope the man of my dreams will find me, and it will be like something in a movie. A kind stranger. A new neighbor. A hot guy checking me out in the supermarket. Then I have to tell myself to wake up that is probably not ever going to happen.

The final area of my life right now needing motivation is work. I work part-time as a photographer (I have other jobs, but the photography job is the one lacking motivation right now.) Someone was unhappy with their child’s picture for a pageant book. Okay, if they had said something then I would had re-shot the pictures. (It was a free session. Just head and shoulders picture. Takes a couple of minutes. The picture is cute. The child is around six-years-old. It is a sweet picture. I stand by my work. I did give the child directions – sit up, look here. If it was my daughter’s picture, I would be pleased) Instead, the business was sent a nasty message on social media by the father (who was not even present during the session). Bashing me as a photographer. The owner also threw me under the bus (Which I was taking those pictures that day because the owner could not be there. I was helping her out! In the past year, I have shot about eight months because the owner could not be there). So, the pageant is later this week. Honestly, I am just ready for the drama to be over with. I made that comment to my friend – about ready to be finished with the pageant already -, who is also the business’ office manager, which apparently was a big mistake. So, now she’s wanting to find another photographer to take my place to cover the three-day pageant because once again the owner cannot be there. Really, a different photographer? I have worked there for over twelve years. Now, everyone is so quick to toss me aside? Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but I definitely took the entire situation personally. If it was a bad picture, or even not a good picture, I would have said let’s redo this picture. If the mom would have said anything to show she was not happy with the picture I would have said let’s redo this picture. The mom said it was a cute picture. The pageant direction said it was a sweet picture. I am just hurt by the situation. I know what I am doing. Not only was my photograph skills attacked in this situation, but also my personality.

I talk with the kids when they come in for these pageant pictures. They are nervous. I talk to them about their dresses for the pageant, or they pets. I get them to relax. My focus is on the kids. I will say “hi” to the parents or ask them if that is how they want the child’s hair for the picture (in front of the shoulders or behind), but really the children are my focus. The owner is the complete opposite. She will tell her life story and want to know the parents’ life story as well. Sorry, I am a quiet person. I am the type that will listen and only add to the conversation as needed if I do not know you. In a place of business, personal matters are not appropriate in my opinion.

Another difference between the owner and myself is her daughter does pageants, so that is something she can talk to the parents about. Once again, I don’t have this common bond with the parents. I am not a pageant mom. My daughter is not a pageant kid. She did pageants when she was younger. Actually won some money (back when she was a toddler). She hates pageants now. She would rather stick to sports, school, and tumbling. I don’t have the experience or the wisdom to share with the pageant moms. I don’t fit in. I don’t even wear makeup. I may wear makeup twice a year, if that. I figure if I can pull off the no makeup look then I should embrace it. I get mistaken to be years younger anyway, so it works for me. My hair is a wild mane. I have long ringlets that have a mind of their own. Growing up, I HATED my hair. I wanted straight hair. Now, I embrace my wild hair. I actually love my ringlets. I dye my hair bright blood red or a purplish-red and black for a two tone look. I have multiple tattoos that are visible. I don’t think these pageant moms would want my “advice” on the pageant world. Now, if I was showing them the pictures and trying to get them to buy – that is a different story! I can talk about photographs all day long! And I can sell anything!! I can read people. I had one job years ago where I had to talk a mom into switching classrooms for her child due to the child’s progression and best interest. The entire center agreed it needed to be done, but others had tried talking to the mom and she refused. I had a witness with me during the conversation. It took me ten minutes and the mom agreed.

So, yes my personality is different. I have been through situations during my life that makes me guarded. I figure strangers don’t want to be my “friend” they just want me to take their pictures.

Definitely need some positive thoughts and motivation.