“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

Music: what would be on your playlist?

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I have always been a big fan of music. Growing up, my dad told me that it wasn’t good music unless it made your eardrums bleed. Obviously I still have the same taste in music: metal, rock, alternative. I am always on the quest to find new songs and bands. Why? Because music is healing. You can turn it as loud as you want, and feel the emotions. You can scream and cry with the music. You can laugh and smile at the music video. You can connect and relate to a specific lyric.

What would your healing playlist look like? Which genre would be in your playlist, and why?

My playlist started years ago, and I am still creating it.

I was listening to music, just randoms bands and songs that came on the station online. One song that I had never heard before caught my attention. It talked about being the last to know after the relationship failed. I had to find the song and lyrics.

**Last to Know — Three Days Grace

I felt like this song was written for me. This was after my divorce was finalized, and I had continued to see my ex-husband for two more years afterwards. He was in a relationship with someone else. He chose her. This song talked about being lost. Why didn’t the person communicate before leaving? I understood that feeling completely!! The end of the song changes the attitude from losing this amazing love, to realizing it wasn’t as idea as one had hoped. Exactly.

**Fuck Away the Pain — Divide the Day

This song talks about getting over a bad relationship and now having a friends with benefits situation. There is just pleasure and fun. Enjoy the moment and forget the past. Once again, I related to this song. That is how I got over being in love with my ex-husband, I finally slept with someone else after three-and-a-half years after my divorce. Amazing song.

**Get Well — Icon for Hire

This song is about depression and hurting, but as long as you have company. You know the saying, Misery loves company. Talks about being tired of explaining scars. I felt the same way. I get tired of explaining my scars – physical and emotional. This song is positive and powerful.

**Flesh — Nightcore (cover song)

I stumbled across this song one day by accident. Wow! Okay, this song is hot and completely sexual. But it represents – for me – what I want. I want this amazing, passionate, steamy love. Sex is important in a relationship. In my marriage, I never said what I liked and did not like in bed. I went with the flow. Now, I know what I like. I know what I want. I speak up. I make requests. I make suggestions.

**It’s Not Me, It’s You — Skillet

This song was suggested on a social media page for divorce and separation. I am a fan of the band, so I listened to the song. Great lyrics.

There are so many amazing songs. Several of them I tend to listen to on repeat. I think this is a solid start for my healing playlist. I know I need to add more to it as my journey continues.

So, what does you playlist look like? Why those songs?