Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

Pushy Guys

I don’t care if you’ve been trying online dating for one hour or one year, you are going to come across some pushy guys (and girls). I’ve had my online dating accounts for almost four years now – WOW. That’s insane to say that number out loud – and I still deal with pushy guys.

Okay. First off, know what you want. If you want casual sex, friends with benefit, a relationship – whatever – know what you want and don’t be pressured into anything other than that.

Second, protect yourself. Common sense don’t provide personal information online. Make sure you meet in public. Make sure someone knows where you are when you are meeting someone.

Third, don’t take it personally. You have to have thick skin to handle online dating. Seriously.

So, I received a message from this one guy. He had several pictures of himself, but I still had a feeling about him. We exchanged a couple of messages – I was watching for red flags of a scammer. His grammar was deceit (he used “cuz” and that drove me insane! We are not junior high students anymore.) Then the red flag – he asked for my phone number.

Now, some might think that if we were exchanging messages then exchanging phone numbers would be a good idea to continue to the conversation. NO! I haven’t handed out my number in years. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

My favorite app to use is kik. You don’t have to use your phone number or email address (Skype connected to my email information. Viber connected to my actual phone number. Google Hangouts connected to my google account.) kik is free to download. You create an ID and password. You can call, text, video chat, and exchange photos with kik. It is easy to block people. It is fairly user friendly.

Anyway, this guy asked for my phone number. I declined. He continued by saying he’s not on that site very often so texting would be easier. That’s the trap. You think you are missing this opportunity to continue to talk to someone – maybe “the one” – if you do not give them your phone number. Nah. You’re not missing out on anything. They are still going to be on that site. Once you give them your phone number they are able to access your real name and physical address. Also, if your Facebook is connected to your phone number then they can find you there.

I offered my kik. He ignored and still asked for my phone number. Bye boy.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Fighting Back Tears

The past couple of days has been difficult. Christmas is tomorrow and so everyone is talking about getting to see their loved ones. I just cry knowing I’m not going to see dad this Christmas.

My daughter and I bought some flowers and a Santa Claus to put on dad’s grave tomorrow. I fought back tears looking for something. He would love it.

My daughter made deviled eggs. A tradition that I passed down to her because my dad loved my deviled eggs so much.

I ordered some ornaments personalized with dad’s pictures online. They were supposed to be shipped to the store. They were supposed to be there this past week. I have been to the store twice, and they are still not there. The worker called headquarters. They came back with the information that either my stuff will be there the next day or never at all. I was so confused. I asked never? They said, no. It will be marked lost in transit. I fought back tears again. The permanent aspect of the situation and the coldness from the person was a bitter reminder of dad’s death. He is gone forever. People expect me to be over it and moved on. This was just another hurtful reminder of the situation.

Next hurtful event… I was chatting with mom, which we do talk a lot more now since dad’s death. But she told me there’s a man messaging her. I was a little taken back. What? I was a little upset. I mean, yes, eventually I do expect her to date and be happy. Maybe even get married. BUT, three weeks and already chatting with someone?!? I know loneliness and depression makes you do stupid things. Trust me, I have learned that lesson from my divorce. She thinks the guy is just being friendly. She said he has actually made a move.

James might not make the cut. The conversation continued yesterday, and I have to trust my gut. I ignored red flags with the serial cheater. I am not going to continue to ignored red flags. So, I guess I’m back to just seeing if anyone interesting comes along.

Finally, I went ahead and had Christmas with my kiddo yesterday. She opened all of her gifts. She was so excited. She goes back to ex’s for Christmas eve and then we have to go out of town for Christmas day. So, I figured having Christmas on Christmas eve eve would be a great idea.

Guys

A different mood than yesterday’s post.

First, I had a dream about ex. I hate dreaming about him. Usually the dreams are sexual. Thankfully, this one was not. Instead, this dream we fought the entire time. We fought in a store. Then I went to help him paint “his” house – except it wasn’t his house, it was the house I grew up in. We fought while painting the house. We fought over the color of the paint, which was brown and a very bright blue (yes, I’m one of those that does dream in colors). We fought about my name.

What?

Legally, I still have ex’s last name. After the divorce, I tried to change back to my maiden name. I was told I did not have enough proof to do so. I have dealt with it. Oh well. I have the same last name as my daughter. If and when I get married again, I can change my name then.

If the dream, ex told me I did not deserve to have his last name.

I’m not sure what the dream means.

***

Online dating.

I hate online dating! It is so much like window shopping. I hate shopping. period.

It always sounds more fun than it really is. Can’t find anything in my size. Then get even more depressed because things do not fit. Everything is so expensive.

Yeah, online dating is the same way. Dating sounds so wonderful. Trying to find a relationship sounds wonderful. You scroll through all of these pictures. Find yourself looking for red flags. Wondering who is really single and who is a lying piece of shit. You find one that you think is attractive and so you message them. Then you get depressed because you get rejected.

So, yesterday…

I sent one message – again, I don’t like messaging first. Not a clue what I should say – but this guy reads my message, checks out my profile and then noting. Rejection.

Another guy messaged me. This one was an African American. Look I’m not opposed to dating black men I just never have before. This guy was attractive. He messaged me and asked if I dated black men. Told him I never had, but was not opposed to the idea. Next message he sent: You want to be mines.

Umm, no.

Had a zombie reappear. I will have to block him.

And, I messaged two other guys. Both had attractive pictures. Both are still in their twenties. Both messaged me back. Wow.

I don’t expect chatting with either of them to last too long. But, I am trying.

My daughter joked with me last night and told me my life was like a Hallmark Channel movie. Uh, no it’s not. If it was I would have a man in my life and everything would be picture perfect.

I’m not sure what my daughter sees to think my life is like a Hallmark Channel movie though.

Text From Ex’s Girlfriend

Yesterday morning, ex’s girlfriend sends a text to my daughter.

Now, keep in mind this woman has been around my child for the past four years. She refused to put a picture of my daughter in her office with ex and her children. She doesn’t buy my daughter anything when she buys her kids something; whereas, ex always buys her kids something. My daughter sent her a friend request, which girlfriend still has not accepted.

Get the picture?

So, she sends my daughter a text, which means ex gave another person my daughter’s phone number without her permission. That did annoy my daughter. She read the text to me. Girlfriend asked for my daughter’s opinion for the best Christmas movie to watch while they put up the Christmas tree.

My daughter loves Christmas. She would watch Christmas movies everyday and keep a tree up all year, if I let her.

A part of me was glad girlfriend was FINALLY including my daughter. Low doing it by text when she was with me. The texting better not become a problem. I mean really, the question could have waited until ex picked my daughter up.

Not to mention, the damage is done. My daughter is a smart kid. She rolled her eyes when she read the text and asked why is girlfriend being nice now. Excellent question!! What is she up to? She trying to become “mom?” She stepping into that step-mother role?

I also have girlfriend’s number. A small part of me wanted to text girlfriend and say thank you for including my child. Another part wanted to go into mamma shark mode, and text her to ask why is she texting my kid?

So, guess I will try to take the high road and do what is best for my kid. Be supportive.

***

Alright, I must repel guys. I’m very convinced that I really do. Finally had one message me. We exchanged a few messages and then silence. Boy, I’m not going to message you.

Same with another one. We had a great conversation going until he asked what happened with my last relationship – which would have been the serial cheater. I responded. He read my message and then silence.

So, apparently guys find me attractive. It’s my personality or my past that runs them off… hmmm…

A Slight Break in the Darkness

Not going to lie, this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Ex proposing to girlfriend – even though I’ve expected it for years, I didn’t know how I’d handle it – has been a little rough. Tuesday, I was in tears. Left me feeling so confused and emotional. I started doing a little research – apparently, there are “stages” that one goes through in this situation. I looked through, and see it made more sense of how I’m feeling:

  1. Shock. My shock was that he actually did it. I mean after being with her for – let’s pretend they’ve never broken up – four years. “Us” being done for three years. Him telling me he is never getting married again. Him talking so negatively about girlfriend. Yes, I was shocked. Monday, when I found out, I didn’t feel any emotions – I was actually numb. That was my shock.
  2. Jealousy. Yes. Jealous she got a better proposal – I’m sure a nicer ring, haha. Jealous that he gets the “family” life and I am still fucking alone and single as hell. Jealous that ex’s life is moving forward and I feel stuck. Except it’s not like I’m stuck in concrete. I’m stuck in quicksand. I try to get out and I get pulled back down, deeper than before.
  3. Anger. I am angry. I don’t who I’m angry at though. I’m hiding my sadness with anger. I went to work today and someone asked where my daughter was. I said with ex. They were very surprised because apparently they seen girlfriend’s “big announcement” on social media, and was surprised they would want my daughter around. WHAT?! FUCK YOU!! Apparently, my daughter didn’t even see girlfriend last night. Ex and girlfriend hid in the bedroom all evening. I’m angry that I have to send my daughter over there. Why can’t she stay with me? At least when I have her we visit or play games, something!! My daughter asks me each time if she has to go over there. It is so heartbreaking.
  4. Relief. I am ready for this stage. Apparently in this stage you are relieved that you are no longer with ex. He is no longer your problem. I’m so afraid that I will not hit stage for weeks, months, or even years. I know it being the holidays is going to make this so much harder. I’m alone for the holidays. All I can do is cry. I tried talking to my mother about it, and she changed the subject. I tried talking to a friend about it, and she changed the subject – think because she seen I was fighting back tears. I mean, I get my ex is toxic. I GET THAT. So why am I not relieved that he is going to marry girlfriend?!? Because I am afraid he will no longer financially support our daughter. I suddenly feel like second best. I know I’m the one that filed for divorce. I know I’m the one that finally said “enough” when I found out ex was with me and girlfriend. So, why do I feel like I am trash? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Why do I feel like I did back during the divorce and after I stopped seeing ex three years ago? Why can’t I realize there is nothing wrong with me – it’s him. It’s always been him. NOT ME.
  5. Strength. This stage talks about after being petty and angry; after all the emotional roller coaster is over you realize you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. This will be true – I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, as I’ve said so many times before, I’m tired of proving how strong I really am.
  6. Appreciation. You’ll appreciation life and where you are in life.

Of course, depending on which site or article you read there are other stages, but these are the ones I came across the most.

Writing this has been through tear-blurred vision with some pauses for complete and utterly break-down, hard sobbing. I know ex is not good for me. I seen him today – he didn’t even acknowledge me – I looked at him and didn’t find him attractive. I was hurt that girlfriend’s youngest kid was wearing a shirt of ex’s that he’d given me back in high school. I hope my soul mate is out there. I just hate that I’m still alone. I was faithful to ex – he was the cheater. Why do I get punished for my faithfulness by still being single? Why is it the man that never wanted to get married again is now engaged? Why is it the man that never wanted more kids – especially daughters – because he didn’t want to deal with hormones is engaged to a woman with three daughters? Why is it the man I was married to was a workaholic during our marriage, now takes vacation days all of the time?

Online dating hasn’t really helped this week. I had a zombie appear. He is now blocked. I get getting busy and not replying for a few hours or even until the next day. BUT it has been 14 days. Boy, please. I know what happened. He found another chick and when that didn’t work out, or he got a piece of ass, and then decided to make sure I was still on the back burner. I am worth more than being some guy’s Plan B. *block*

Positive thing with work – I got a fourth job. I am so excited about this one. Great pay. Could really open some doors. It will probably be after the holidays before I get to sign my contract and everything, but I’m still very excited.

 

Expected Rainbows and Song Birds

Image result for divorce meme

Six years ago I filed for divorce. I have went back and forth wandering if I made a big mistake by filing. Wondering what is wrong with me. Wondering why ex wasn’t content being with me. After our divorce was finalized five years ago, I stayed with ex. I still believed I had made a big mistake. We didn’t live together anymore. So, if we did fight then we could be away from each other. I was dating my ex again. Our relationship was the best it’d been in years.

Four years ago, I was blindsided. I went over to ex’s house and there was another woman sitting on the couch next to him. Her kids were sitting in the floor playing with my daughter. I honestly did not know what to do or say. I left. I went to the store and tried to focus on what I needed from the store. Ex called me and asked if I was okay. I asked him if he was seeing that woman. He told me yes. How could I have missed the signs?

Worse part is, I continued to see him. My ex is like a drug. I know he is bad for me, but I was addicted. I had to go back. I could not live without him. I did not know how to live without him. I continued to sleep with him. I knew he had a girlfriend. Apparently, she would not have sex with him so that was what I was for.

In my head, I excused his behavior. We had been together since high school. Maybe if I let him see what else was out there then he would realize that he still loved me. I lower my self worth. I made myself more “available” for him. I did oral for ex all of the time – even though I hated doing oral on him.

I was happy to see that chick out of the picture. But I was more aware of signs after her. I noticed ex’s behavior for a few weeks and asked him if he was seeing someone else. He lied to my face and said no.

Now, here’s the thing about my ex, he has a specific facial expression that he makes when he lies. I have seen that expression millions of times. He thinks he is fooling me – even now he still lies to me.

He told me she was just a friend that needed help fixing her dishwasher. I should have seen everything wrong with that lie. You don’t want ex fixing anything. He gets angry and throws things and then usually breaks things even more. I continued to stay with ex. I needed him. I loved him. I needed him to love me.

I actually did not know about girlfriend until three-years-old. That means they were together for an entire year while he was still with me.

One day, my daughter started crying. I asked what was wrong. She said “dad told me not to tell you.” What?!? I find out that ex had taken my daughter to this woman’s house for sex and then told my daughter not to tell me. He lied to me. He was teaching my daughter to lie to me. I was pissed off beyond words.

When I confronted ex about, now current girlfriend, and if they were sleeping together he got the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. I do remember sleeping with him again after that, why I do not know. I needed that drug. I seriously thought I did not deserve better. I felt like I was doing the right thing for my family. I cried and hated myself every single time we had sex. I felt cheap and dirty.

I wanted to know about this woman. She had stolen my man. She was around my daughter. I wanted to know her.

Ex would not tell me much about her.

Even after I completely broke things off with ex, he would not tell me about this woman. He would not allow me to meet her. He was sneaking her over at night and then pushing her out of the house before our daughter would wake up. My daughter caught them and ex told her she was making things up.

I wanted – still want – a good co-parenting support for my daughter. I wanted ex and girlfriend and I to be civil and be able to hang out with each other for my daughter’s sake.

Honestly, I really did want to be friends. Even though I hated ex and did not trust him. I was more angry at him than at girlfriend. I mean, he was with me and telling me he loved me yet still shopping around – just like during our marriage.

I don’t know who to really be mad at in this situation. I mean, I was angry at myself for being so stupid and continuing to sleep with him and let him treat me like a crazy person. I was angry at him for not having the balls to talk to me like an adult. I was angry at him for using me. I was angry at him for not being faithful. I was angry at girlfriend for messing with another woman’s man. I was angry at both of them for trying to replace me in my daughter’s life. I was angry at both of them for not wanting to set up a successful co-parenting/support system.

I don’t know who is to blame, really. I blamed myself for a long time. Some days, I still blame myself. I blame ex. I know you cannot steal a man that does not want to be taken. I know he was always looking for someone else. I blamed girlfriend for messing around with someone else’s man. I know it was like a game for both of them. For me, it wasn’t.

I tried meeting girlfriend – the first time she would not get out of OUR bed and meet me. The next time she made out with ex in front of me. I mean, I don’t know if it was like to prove to me that she won and I lost. It was gross. I wanted to tell her that he cheated on her with me. Actually, I still want to tell her.

Back then, I really did feel like she won and I lost. Now, I look at the “prize” and think what a shitty thing to win in a horrible mind game. She can have him. I am done with that drug.

Just like with anything addictive, I think about what-if. I used to smoke cigarettes. That was a very hard habit to break. Now, the smoke makes me sick to my stomach. I used to self-injury. I do think about falling back into old habits, but I have to remember that I am a role model for my daughter. Same thing with ex. I think a part of me – deep, deep down – does still love him. I’m not sure if I actually love “him” or do I love the idea of being in a relationship and having a man in my life.

It has been one challenge after another. I have hit rock bottom during some of those challenges. I stayed angry at both of them and myself for so long. I have remained bitter. I still think ex plays mind games with me. I still think he gets off on making my life hell.

I know his opinion of girlfriend and her kids. I know he has told me she is easy and has been around. I know they have broken up multiple times and he still goes back – maybe she is his drug. I know he has told our daughter he is only with girlfriend because her kids need a dad.

Those kids have dads. They see their dads. He needs to be a dad to his own daughter.

Ex has brought girlfriend and her kids to my house. They do not get out of the car. But he would never tell me where she lived. I thought it was important that I know because my daughter was over there so much.

Before I met girlfriend I imagined what she was like. I pictured a cute blonde and very thin. Not knowing where she lived or what the house looked like, I pictured his cute, picture perfect house with a white picket fence.

Things are not how I pictured. Ex always gave me hell about my weight. Ironically, since girlfriend has been with ex she has gained a ton of weight. I have heard her speak before. Her conversation bored the living hell out of me. Honestly, all I heard was “blah blah blah.” I wonder if girlfriend and I tried conversing again if I would be less bitter this time – that last time was three years ago.

I would see ex hold her hand and kiss her. I would feel so jealous. I would hate them both. I would hear about everything they did together and with the kids. Again, I would feel angry because ex never did that with my daughter or me.

I know every relationship has a honeymoon phase.

I know things are never as they appear. I know it is easy to make the relationship look happy and both parties to hide the truth.

Ex moved in with girlfriend. I told him he had to tell me where she lived. Our paperwork states I have to have current phone number and address for ex at all times.

I finally got girlfriend’s address.

Ex is currently on orders across the country. My daughter’s belongings are at girlfriend’s house. Last night, she needed something that could not wait. I told her to call her dad to make sure girlfriend was home – since my daughter does not have a key to the house – and I would drive her over there to get her things.

My daughter led me to girlfriend’s house. I pulled up to this house. I expected this gorgeous home, white picket fence, birds singing, and a rainbow above it. Instead, I wasn’t impressed. The house was nothing special. The yard was neglected. The cars – most of them were ex’s – but the one’s that were girlfriend’s were dented. There was no white picket fence. No gorgeous rainbow plastered in the sky above the house. Honestly, if I did not know who lived there and just judging by the house and surroundings I would guess an old woman. If I was taking my daughter trick-or-treating, it would be a house that I would probably just pass by – that would be the house that would give out the popcorn ball or that gross candy in the black or orange wrapper.

I wander what happened with ex and girlfriend when he called to tell her that I was bringing my daughter over.

I did not get out of the car – there was no point. I went there to let my daughter get some things, and that’s what I did.

Hopefully another step in the right direction. Proof that I am still continuing to heal.

***

Oh, update on the 24 year-old with online dating… Yeah, he did not make the cut. I had to block him. He last longer than most. Good conversation. But he was way too needy, and clingy. Maybe that’s why he was looking for an older woman, to mother him. Ha, sorry, I’m the wrong chick for that. But, maybe looking for a younger guy would not be completely insane. I mean, age is just a number, right?

Dating: Age Gaps

Image result for age gap meme

So, I’ve wrote about my feelings… or actually concerns… about dating younger men. The first guy was only a year younger and he raped me. I automatically associated that situation to someone every younger guy would be capable of doing. Let’s face it, that is something any guy could do.

I gave a few younger guys a chance with just chatting, and they could not even do that. Conversation was straight to sex.

The serial cheater was younger, by three years, and he ended up being engaged.

So, I find myself automatically swiping left and blocking all younger guys. But really, older guys have treated me horribly too and I continue to swipe right and chat with them. Besides, eventually I do want another child and if I’m with a much older guy that may not be something he is interested in. Guys in their 40’s are typically finished having children, and are already a grandparent.

Well, tell me how crazy I am…

I got a message from a guy yesterday. Good grammar – you know that is a major plus for me. Good looking. His profile had several pictures of him – not his car or dog or some random picture. He was not drinking or smoking in any of the pictures. He’s never been married, no kids. Longest relationship was six years. Can hold a conversation. We actually have a lot in common.

He is ten years younger than I am.

I don’t know why I’ve always left the guy should be older. I mean, on average females live longer so being with a younger man kind of balances out in the long run.

He is polite. He did ask a sexual question and I told him I wasn’t going to answer anything like that and gave a reason why. He told me I did not have to explain myself. He continued chatting – a different topic – and never brought up sex again. He said he is looking for a relationship.

My first impression of him, I think he has either anxiety or depression. He did admit he has poor self-esteem. Apparently lost a true love in a car crash, and parents that were not in the picture much.

Now, I take everything that he says with a grain of salt. I’m not going to be played again.

We chatted most of yesterday. I think I’m going to send him a message today. I just look past his age.