Back to Looking

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One lesson that I really had to learn with online dating was “letting go.” Understanding that I will NEVER get closure from guys that ghost. I will never get closure from the two guys I have had sex with since my divorce and they disappeared. I will never get an apology from the serial cheater for making me look like a fool. Same with my ex – I will never get the closure I want.

I remember when I first started online dating, the waiting for them to return a message was torture! I didn’t understand.

COME ON, ARE YOU INTERESTED OR NOT?!?

I would send another message…. then another… and another.

I wanted to be wanted. I wanted the attention. I wanted to see that there was nothing wrong with me, and that guys were attracted to me. Ex had told me that guys would not be interested in me. Guys would not want to get to know me, have sex with me, or be in a relationship with me – I wanted to prove him wrong.

When not replying to messages, I get sometimes you are busy, have a life, taking care of kids, and not attached to your phone 24/7. But then again, it takes seconds to return a text/message.

I haven’t really been interested in anyone since the serial cheater. So, the messaging back and forth has been limited. I don’t care if they don’t message me back. Most of the time I’m the one that doesn’t message back – if I even reply in the first place.

Had one message me yesterday – he was about eight years older than I am. He was very talkative. I think if I had asked, he would have told me his ENTIRE life story. But, he made me uncomfortable. He asked questions about my daughter, too. No. Sorry, I don’t know you. I do not answer questions about her. **block**

The younger guy, I got one message from him early yesterday. I responded. Didn’t hear anything else.

So, back to: Do I message him again today? Do I wait and see if he messages me? Do I block and delete? Do I not block and just continue my search?

A part of me wants to message him (and I probably will. Just to see if he is interested. Then if no response I will block and delete). Another part knows I’m just wanting to see if fwb would be a possibility – then I feel dirty for thinking that fwb would even be a possibility with ANYONE. I mean after everything I have been through with guys, do I really want a guy to have my permission to use me for sex? Do I want to set myself up for getting hurt? Do I want to place myself in a situation where the possibility of something very dangerous happening?

See, I’m back to that jaded attitude.

I’m sure it is mutual. I’m sure the feeling of being used and feeling dirty is not a part of fwb. (That’s why yesterday I made the comment in my post that I don’t know the details with fwb) I want someone with experience to ask questions to so I can get a better idea.

But I also don’t want to advertise on my dating profiles that I am looking for fwb. **Can only imagine the creeps I would get messaging me then** I want to find someone that maybe it could lead to a relationship.

I don’t want to catch feelings and be hurt… again.

Ideally, I would want a trusted friend for fwb.

I have one friend – he is crazy attractive! Jeez. He has asked about friends with benefits. BUT he lives five hours away. Sorry. Not happening. I’m not driving to another state for sex. But, in reality, if this guy lived closer I would definitely try fwb with him. I know he would be a safe choice – I don’t see him ever hitting me or trying something without my permission. We’ve known each other since high school – I was one of his first friends when he moved there. He has seen my anxiety. He has talked to me on the phone during my depression. I have talked to him about his PTSD and gave him someone to talk to and cry to about his military memories.

Besides that guy, I really don’t know – or have – any male friends – that are not married/in a relationship.

So, I guess finding a trusted friend is out of the question.

Back to online dating? Again, do I message the young guy? Do I continue looking online? I feel like I have seen all these guy’s pictures hundreds of times (Most of them don’t even change their pictures or update their profiles. I’ve been doing online dating off and on for a couple of years. So I feel like it is just a constant loop of losers)

Think I’m leaning towards fwb because I’m not having any luck finding a relationship – I CAN’T EVEN FIND A DATE… I think I’m feeling extra pressure too. Found out in two weeks ex and my daughter are moving into girlfriend’s house permanently. I’m scared, hurt, nervous, bitter…

Makes me really start to think there is something wrong with me. Guys online don’t find me interesting. Ex gets to have a family – which he never wanted more children – the family I wanted.

Also, I had found a support group online. I found this group about a year or so ago. It has been wonder to have other divorced women to chat with and ask questions to. It was comforting to find others who were going to similar situations, thoughts, feelings as myself. Well, I guess I am losing that support group now… Going to have to start paying a monthly fee to be a member.

 

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Thinking

I started this blog back during the summer of this year. It was a way for me to continue healing. It was a chance for me to get my thoughts, feelings, concerns somewhere – outside of my own head. When I was married – I was married to my best friend – I had someone, I thought, to talk to.

Now, I do have a very close friend – but even this friend does not know everything about me. This friend does not understand anxiety or depression – so I do not mention it. Of course I can not talk to my kid about adult things. Nor is my family really an option…. So, here I am.

Most of the posts are exactly that – a chance to get thoughts out of my head. Thanks to anxiety and depression I keep these thoughts in my head. They eat away at me. They make me relive every choice I have ever made. They make me question my strength and my desire to keep going.

So, today’s thoughts are … **drum roll** about sex.

Sorry. It has been six months. (Yes, I’ve gone much longer – 18 months – without. But come on! I get tired of the dry spells. haha)

I started chatting with that younger guy yesterday. We exchanged numbers. We texted off and on all day yesterday. He is looking for a good woman who could be a good friend (aka fwb) and see if it could lead to more. I told him that my goal was a relationship.

I’m kind of interested in the idea (I’m an adult. Don’t I deserve to have some fun?) Not a clue how fwb actually works though… (I know what it is, but I mean the details of it all)

I don’t want to jump the gun though. I don’t want to be a one night stand. I want to be comfortable with whomever I sleep with.

I guess I will continue to chat, see how conversation flows. I want to meet before sex – of course – to see if there would be chemistry.

But in reality, I might just be missing sex and reading way too much into the situation.

 

 

Oh, How I’ve Missed Online Dating…

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Oh, how I’ve missed online dating… I hope everyone can hear the sarcasm just pour from that statement.

I did talk myself into trying online dating – again. This will be attempt number four (was really hoping third time was a charm, but third time brought the serial cheater into my life). I miss going on dates. But come on, the past two days have been a complete joke.

Maybe I don’t know how to properly answer these guys’ questions…

Hmm…

Yesterday, had four men messaged me:

#1: One picture of himself. He messaged me saying – the same line they all say – “Your profile caught my attention. You are so gorgeous and you look so nice. Your eyes are stunning. I had to stop and talk to you. I want to get to know you. I want to take you on a date under the stars and kiss you so deep that it leaves you speechless. How does that sound?”

I thought he wanted honesty. I said “sounds like you’re looking for a piece of ass.”

**he blocked me**

Sad day… haha

#2: He messaged me telling me how beautiful I am. Asked what am I looking for and asked if I have I had any luck yet. Then the famous question, “do you like a man in uniform?”

Great… How do I answer this red flag question?

I asked if he was deployed. (because seriously, all the scammers are “conveniently” deployed) He said no. I said alright.

**crickets**

Men in uniforms scare me. Ex is military. Serial cheater was military. Seriously, if they are examples of men in uniform, yikes… (I know there are some awesome guys in the military. I have a friend who is married to a military man. He is really good to her. But I’m just going by MY experiences)

He is from a different state.

Not falling for that again.

**I went ahead and saved us both the time. I blocked him**

Think if the right military guy came around, I’d be able to give him a chance and be with a military guy. But, he is going to have to be pretty amazing… I am, sadly, still pretty jaded.

#3: He messaged me. Casual conversation. Nothing amazing. After a few messages were exchanged he called me “babe.” I hated it. I abandoned the conversation.

Gross.

I don’t like random men calling me pet names.

Makes me gag.

I will tell them I am not interested without looking at profile or even giving them a chance if that’s how they address me.

Had one send me a message saying “hey sexy ass.”

Here’s the thing… IF I was in a relationship, then hell yeah I would love to called babe, sexy, honey, etc. BUT if I don’t know the guy – I know they are saying it to every chick they message – then I just get grossed out.

**next!**

#4: I did check out his profile first, but did not message him.

I hate sending the first message! What do you say?

The original first message: Hello! How are you?

…Not very eye catching, I know.

The time invested first message – go through their profile and find a piece of information to work with: I see you play guitar. What genre do you play? Do you write your own music?

Either way, I don’t get many responses. They will check out my profile and that’s it.

Guess my looks aren’t up to par.

Maybe my profile is boring.

This guy – #4 – face is okay looking. I flipped to the next picture, he is shirtless and there is so much body hair.

Okay, maybe I’m shallow… I don’t like lots of body hair. Facial hair – okay – as long as they are groomed. But a ton of chest hair, again, I’m grossed out. My first thought is during sex choking on all that hair… Or, if his chest has that much hair, then I can only imagine below the belt.

Ugh.

So, my shallow ass left his profile and continued scrolling through other profiles.

He messaged me.

We exchanged a couple of messages. Nothing exciting.

The causal talk – how are you? what are you looking for?

I told him I was looking for a relationship. He asked fast or slow. Well, slow obviously… I’m not stupid or desperate.

He said he was looking for a good woman (original… obviously dude). He asked if I was a good woman. (Are you kidding me? How the hell do you answer that… Yes, of course. Why the hell would I say “no?” Sorry man, I’m not a good woman. I am a bitch. I am shallow. I am a pain in the ass. I am jaded. I battle with food, my weight, depression, and anxiety on a daily basis. RUN as fast as you can.)

Then, the wonderful question, he asks me: If you are a good woman, then why are you single?

Hmm… again, all these possible answers dance in my head: I’m a bitch. I’m shallow. I’m a pain in the ass. I’m jaded. I’m depressed. I’m a mess. I haven’t been trying too hard to find anyone. The last guy I fell in love with was a serial cheater.

My response: I’m not into fwb or married men. (And, seriously, that is about all that is on dating sites. The pickings are slim.)

I am currently awaiting his response.

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So, I guess I will continue trying and looking.

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Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

Taking a Break

After the situation with the serial cheater, I jumped right back into online dating. No way was I going to let him discourage me from continuing my search for Mr. Right. That was back in May of this year. Since then, I haven’t even been on a date. I get fwb/dtf offers often though – lucky me, ha-ha. I don’t care how much I miss sex, I’m not that easy. I demand to date and to get to know each other first.

No one makes it past a day of conversation.

As much as I would love to go on a date. I’m ready for a break from online dating again.

I think dealing with that unnecessary drama is causing some of the depression. I try and fail. It is discouraging.

It’s making me more and more jaded. Had one message me today. His profile picture was a hand gun. His message started like everyone else’s: hello beautiful…

I am so sick of guys thinking just because they say “beautiful,” “gorgeous,” “babe,” or any other “pet name” that I am going to melt into their arms, and drop my panties. Actually, it is quite the opposite. I want to vomit. I feel so gross. I know they do the same thing to every single woman they message until someone messages back. Especially the one’s – scammers – that try so hard: I had to stop and admire your profile. You are so beautiful. Your eyes and smile made my heart stop. I could not stop looking at your beautiful picture. I know you are something special. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Move on loser, this chick is tired of guys trying to play her.

Not sure how long this break will last. I’ve taken a six month break, and a year break from online dating.

Who knows, maybe during this break Mr. Right will cross paths with me. But he better make the first move. I don’t know if I can make the first move again – I seen this very, very good looking guy at the park with his daughter. She was close to my daughter’s age. We talked and laughed. He was not wearing a wedding ring. I gave him my number – found out he was married. Oops…

Feeling Odd

Don’t know how to explain it other than: I feel unmotivated. I feel lost. I feel unwanted. I feel like I am failing.

I know it is stress, and probably a little depression.

I use music to help mentally. I was in the mood for something heavy. I could not find a song to satisfy me. I even listened to a specific death metal band – on a normal day, I would not be able to listen to because I can not understand the lyrics and they give me a horrible headache. This time, no. The lyrics were clear. They were not heavy enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of death metal, and black metal – but this certain band I CANNOT STAND, but this time they were tame.

Online dating for the past few days, has been a complete joke. Pervs, sugar daddy’s, married men, and absolute losers are all that message. I really wonder if there is a good guy online – single, intelligent, good heart, great father, has a career.

I’ve become a tad addicted to painting here lately. I am getting better. I know if I had fine tip brushes or paint pens my lines and details would be even more amazing. I also know if I had access to rocks about palm size or larger, I would be able to do incredible images. My daughter thinks I should try selling them. I am really considering it. I have some great ideas. I don’t know if anyone would buy. I see painted rocks for sell online, so I assume there is a market for them. Then it’s the issue of coming up with the supplies – rocks, packaging, etc.

I will continue to practice and perfect my skills. I will continue to save and attempt to sell them. I think it is a good, healthy hobby. My daughter also paints with me – she is amazing. Her rocks are beautiful. She actually steals the largest rocks to paint for herself – haha.

Communication

I am naturally a loner. Growing up I became such an introvert. When my grandmother passed away, I was seven-years-old, I stopped communicating my emotions, needs, and wants to the people around me. I turned to food for my emotional support.

Through elementary and middle school, I had a small group of friends but in class or in any situation I barely spoke above a whisper. People took advantage of my quietness. They pushed me to where I was battling against my only means of support – food – and I had developed eating disorders. I needed somewhere else to turn to, so I started self-injuring.

In high school, I started to stand up for myself. I was still content with being quiet. I couldn’t share much with people – I was depressed; starving myself; injuring myself; smoking; attracted to males and females; and having suicidal thoughts. Again, people didn’t know how to take my quietness. My first fiance thought I was always mad at him because silence didn’t bother me. I had to tell him, I’m okay with just the thoughts in my head.

Throughout college I started to become more expressive towards people. Now, I am more friendly and outgoing. But I still find it difficult at times.

So, online dating is a major challenge. I finally got a match that responded. We traded a few messages. Complete opposites – he drinks, goes to bars; redneck/country type; no kids; and loves country music. Obviously, the conversation was forced and quickly died.

Yesterday, I decided to call my parents – I haven’t spoken to them in awhile. I hadn’t heard how my grandfather is doing – he has stage 4 cancer. So, I called. The conversation was short lived. They were in the middle of something. Apparently my grandfather is on oxygen now, and he had a blood transfusion. I got invited to my nephew’s party this weekend – can’t because I have to work – I told her I couldn’t and that I didn’t know anything about it. She said she was told my brother had already invited me. My mother told me that apparently my brother told her that we talk all of the time. Uhhh… no. He occasionally stalks me on social media. I didn’t receive any invitation. So, she said “well that’s not the story I was told.” I told her to believe which ever story she wants.

It does make me sad. I attempt to communicate. I attempt to socialize and I get turned down or dismissed. I guess with the online dating, they just are not the right guy for me. I figure conversations will feel natural with the right guy. Communicating with my family, guess it is what it is.

I do communicate to the most important people in my life – especially my daughter. I am able to communicate to my ex. Wish he could do the same, but it is a hit and miss situation with him.

Dating Scams

Anyone who tries online dating knows there are several dating scams out there. The more common scam is the military scam. These guys pretend to be military – typically they will claim to be U.S. Army. And “conveniently” they are currently deployed.

It’s kind of funny, none of them claim to be Air Force or Marines. It is always Army, in my experience.

Now, notice I said “conveniently” deployed. There’s a few reasons this is convenient.

  1. They are not available for meeting if they are not in the country.
  2. Delayed responses can be blamed for the time difference.
  3. They are going to ask for money.

If you are trying online dating, and you are not familiar with military please, please, please educate yourself!!

  1. Know key terms – for all branches.
  2. Know what information is available and what is considered classified.

Pay attention to how real military members talk!

First off, I was married to a military guy – I was with him for 15 years. I’ve also dated/chatted with two others – all three were a different branch of the military.

So, how do military guys talk? Personal experience: they are like going to the eye doctor and having to read that eye chart. They are so used to the terms that it is automatic. They don’t break it into “civilian” or do they sound formal.

Actually, most of them don’t want to talk about military. So, some tips to know it’s probably a scam:

  1. It’s one of the first things mentioned.
  2. They are deployed.
  3. They don’t answer in a timely manner – gives them time to look up information.
  4. They don’t talk like military guys I’ve chatted with.
  5. Look at their pictures. Know the rules for hair cuts AND facial hair!! If these guys are true military that means they have drill every month.

Ask questions. Always, always, always! If they are real military, they will answer. If the answer comes out formal jargon – they are probably a fake. If they say it is classified or they are not allowed to say that – they are probably a fake.

So, what are some common questions or comments from these scammers?

  1. U.S. Army and are currently deployed.
  2. Have you ever been with a military man before? (They want to see if you are an easy victim. Plus, playing on the idea of every woman loves a man in uniform.)
  3. Are you currently talking to a military man? (If you’re already being scammed, they don’t want to step in.)
  4. They need money, or a gift card of some type. (I don’t care if they are in a war zone or not. THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR MONEY. THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THE BX (like a shopping mall on base for Air Force – each branch has their own term for it.)) Real military has access to all of this.
  5. Profile picture – usually one or two pictures only. Usually will be in their BDU’s (battle dress uniform). Pay attention to the BDU’s. Are they current? (Military occasionally changes style/pattern. PLUS, they will look different depending on where they are deployed.) So, scammers find actually military pictures and claim to be that person. Pay attention to patches on the clothing – do the stripes match the rank they claim? Are the patches correct?

So, protect yourself. Know what questions to ask. Find a friend who is actually in the military and double check information if you need to.

Weakness of the flesh

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Haven’t posted in awhile. Been busy with my daughter’s activities, work, and trying to catch up on sleep. Think exhaustion is taking its toll on me. Sad thing is I hope I have enough self-control.

So, I haven’t been with anyone since April. Kind of a long time, but not really. I’ve gone without sex for eighteen months – twice. It’s not fun, but it’s doable.

The other day, out of the blue, I had this HORRIBLE thought… Ready?… I actually wondered what my ex would do and say if I asked for sex from him. What?!? Why?!? What the hell is wrong with me?!? Am I that desperate?!? I do have to say, it did make me laugh. I don’t plan on doing that – or him – EVER again. I don’t find him attractive anymore. I’m not in love with him anymore.

Then the next day, I had a guy message me on a dating site. Not a bad looking guy. He is local – actually lives in the town about five minutes away. However, he is not wanting a relationship. He, of course, is just wanting to have some fun.

Temptation.

I really do want a relationship. But, some fun doesn’t sound so bad either for right now.

I did have self-control. I told him we would have to go on some dates and get to know each other. I’m sure that will run him off. Doubt any guy just looking for some fun will want to work that hard to achieve it.

Another reason being divorced and single sucks some days.

But, do have to brag about myself for a second. My detective skills are getting pretty good thanks to technology and social media. Had another guy message me. And in less than thirty minutes, I already knew his real name, place of employment, and that he was engaged. Sorry assholes, I’m not as an easy target as I may appear. Don’t waste my time.

Random Thoughts for Today

Weight loss update; C-section story; Co-parenting Guilt; and Online dating adventures…

My mind has a million thoughts racing around today. So, let’s see if I can place some of this randomness in enough order its easy to understand and follow.

Weight Loss Update

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted about my weight loss journey. Honestly, I’ve slacked a bit on my exercising. I live in a trailer house and during the summer months its like living in a tin can. I make the excuse of the heat to pass on working out for the day.

I have been mindful of what I eat, and when I eat. It’s easy for us to just grab something in town. My daughter has so many activities that fast food is just convenient. I am cooking at home.

So, drum roll please… I’ve lost 11 lbs.

I know, that’s not much. I still have so much more to lose, but baby steps. When I began this weight loss journey I weighed 280 lbs. I want the weight to stay off. I want to make it be a habit, not a fad diet. I know with diets I would lose the weight, and once I stop the diet I would gain all the weight back. So, I stepped on the scale – honestly, very nervous – but it read 269. It’s a start.

C-Section

I had a planned c-section with my daughter. During my pregnancy I was sick morning, noon, and night. For two weeks straight, I could not keep anything down – not even water. I lost 24lbs during those two weeks. I was so sure I was going to have a miscarriage. At 9 weeks, I found a new doctor. (My first doctor – during those two weeks – would not return my calls. When I did have an appointment, I did not even get to meet the doctor. I had her nurse. The nurse only focused on how fat I was. The nurse told me if I planned on actually having the baby I better lose some weight.)

My new doctor was amazing. He told me that I could still have a healthy baby even at my weight. When I scheduled an appointment with the new doctor, he admitted me to the hospital. I was severely dehydrated. He also wanted a ultrasound to see how the baby was. During that 9 week ultrasound, they found two tumors. He told me that the tumors would have to be removed after I gave birth to my daughter. We decided instead of making me go through labor, delivery, and then surgery, I would just have a c-section.

Before my c-section, I’d never even had a surgery. I’d never had a cavity or even broken a bone. I did not know what to really expect. I’d never met anyone who’d had a c-section before.

I’ve never regretted having a c-section. I actually plan on getting a c-section awareness tattoo. I do wander if I will be able to give birth naturally or automatically another c-section if and when I get pregnant again.

A friend on Facebook had a c-section earlier this week. Yesterday, she posted about her fear and the feeling of being strapped down and not having control of her body. Along with this statement, she shared a post. The post was from another woman, who’d had two c-sections (planned and emergency). I read through the post. I’ve had a c-section and that post was terrifying. She had a negative spin on the entire situation. She talked about the pain was unbearable.

Okay, I get it, we all have different pain tolerances. I used to self-injure. Cutting is nothing for me. I have 12 tattoos, a walk in the park – except for the 3 hour one on my thigh. I was good for the first 2.5 hours. That last 30 minutes, I thought I was going to cry.

The post talked about how painful the spinal block was. In my experience, it was a slight pinch. Then you feel pressure going through your spine. The post talked about feeling all the tearing and moving. Okay, yes. You feel everything! But… and this but is important… There is no pain!! You are numb! It feels like you are being unzipped. You feel the tugging, the cutting, the moving of your organs. You feel all this weight loss when they pull out the baby. I felt more tugging and pulling when the doctor removed the tumors. (One was 14 centimeters, and other was 10 centimeters. He said they were so tough, he could not cut through either of them.)

The most pain I remember is when they removed the catheter, or when removing the staples – one staple was crooked. It took the nurse cutting the staple in half and twisting it out. It was a stinging pain, but I would do it all again for my daughter.

I see posts of woman calling c-sections the “easy” way out. First off, child birth is not easy, I don’t care if it was natural or c-section. Our bodies go through a lot to bring a child into this world. There’s tearing, and cutting. There’s pain. There’s healing.

Guilt from a Disneyland Co-parent

My ex has money to waste, and he does. I struggle to make my bills some months. Occasionally, I am able to waste money and take my daughter to the movies or something fun.

Ex was deployed during July 4 – his favorite holiday. He gave girlfriend a couple hundreds of dollars to buy fireworks. They shot the fireworks off last night. My daughter texts me, telling me how awesome the fireworks were. I reply, I’m glad.

I am glad she had fun. I am sorry I was not able to buy fireworks – actually there is a post about that situation. I offered to buy some, and my daughter said not to worry about it.

I hate feeling like the loser parent. The UN fun parent. I pay my bills. I make sure my child is fed. We play games, we visit. I take her to her millions of activities. I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but I still feel guilty, and jealous.

Online Dating

Had a guy message me yesterday. He was very attractive. Hated that his profile pictures included children – I assume his, but you never really know. That is a red flag. Next red flag, his profile said he was from one state and he stated he was from a different state. Hmm… two red flags. Sorry buddy, you’re blocked.

Damn. I was hoping for some conversation.

Oh well, my search continues.