Hard Day

It’s been really tough the past couple of days. I really miss my dad. I look at pictures and relive the day of his death over and over. I have fought back tears for two days. I feel so alone. I want to talk about him. There’s no one to talk to. If I talk to my mom about him she starts crying. I want a sign that he is still around and watching over us.

I just think about everything I should have done and said. I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. Small things like never getting a text from him again, or never talking with him. To bigger things like when I get married, he won’t be there. I won’t have him to walk me down the aisle. I will never get to have a daughter/dad dance. I didn’t get to at my first wedding either. I always told myself I would dance with my dad at my next wedding.

I was chatting with a couple of people about ghosting – and other “joys” of online dating. One sent me a song – Make Him Wait. I started to listen to the song and had to turn it off. It talked about making the date wait at the door to meet your dad. Another part talked about dad walking you down the aisle on your wedding day.

I’m sure the tough days are normal. I am stretched so thin these days. I am working several hours with all three jobs. Sleep is a joke these days.

I switched medication for my depression. The first medication made me so tired. So, the doctor switched me to something to give me more energy. I guess I’m still adjusting to it. I sleep maybe three hours and then I’m up.

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Reflecting

So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELL  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

Survived Christmas

Yesterday was the first Christmas without my dad. It did not feel like Christmas, at all.

On Christmas eve, my daughter was with ex. I tried to keep my mind busy with social media – horrible idea. I cried so much. Christmas morning I cried even more.

Ex brought my daughter home on time – a Christmas miracle.

She’d forgot her memorial necklace at girlfriend’s house. So, I had to drive her over there. This was the second time I’d ever been there. First time during the day. I am not impressed by the house. It looked even worse in the sunlight.

But, I still hate that ex gets a relationship and I am single.

I drove to my parents’ house. Almost got into a wreck. Another driver was texting and came into my lane of traffic. I swerved and they corrected themselves.

Christmas at my parents’ house just felt like any other day. That magic and Christmas spirit was gone. Christmas was dad’s favorite holiday.

We ate. Opened gifts. Visited. But, dad was missing.

We went to the cemetery. That was the first time I’d been there since the funeral. I really did not know what to expect. Tears? Anger? Joy?

I felt a calming over me at my dad’s grave. My daughter and I placed some more flowers – even though all of the flowers from the funeral were still there and looking amazing. We also placed a Santa Claus there for dad. We took pictures – all of us. I wished I lived closer so I could visit his grave more often…

We went to my grandfather’s house afterwards. He has stage 4 cancer. He doesn’t remember much. It was another obstacle of the day.

We got home and played a board game.

Then, almost bedtime and my daughter completely breaks down. She regrets not getting to tell my dad goodbye. Regrets not making her deviled eggs for him. She regrets not spending more time with him. She can’t remember his voice, or his laugh. She can’t remember too many memories of him.

I want her to grieve. I want her to keep my dad’s memory alive. But, I want her to be happy. I want to find the words to comfort her. The words are not there, because I share her regrets and feelings. I tried my best to comfort her. I told her stories of my dad. I told her to go ahead and talk to him; he is listening.

Believe in ghosts or not. My dad is around us. The other day, I went to the store and items fell of the shelves without anyone touching them. Multiple times. Then yesterday, middle child and I both see him walk through the kitchen.

Fighting Back Tears

The past couple of days has been difficult. Christmas is tomorrow and so everyone is talking about getting to see their loved ones. I just cry knowing I’m not going to see dad this Christmas.

My daughter and I bought some flowers and a Santa Claus to put on dad’s grave tomorrow. I fought back tears looking for something. He would love it.

My daughter made deviled eggs. A tradition that I passed down to her because my dad loved my deviled eggs so much.

I ordered some ornaments personalized with dad’s pictures online. They were supposed to be shipped to the store. They were supposed to be there this past week. I have been to the store twice, and they are still not there. The worker called headquarters. They came back with the information that either my stuff will be there the next day or never at all. I was so confused. I asked never? They said, no. It will be marked lost in transit. I fought back tears again. The permanent aspect of the situation and the coldness from the person was a bitter reminder of dad’s death. He is gone forever. People expect me to be over it and moved on. This was just another hurtful reminder of the situation.

Next hurtful event… I was chatting with mom, which we do talk a lot more now since dad’s death. But she told me there’s a man messaging her. I was a little taken back. What? I was a little upset. I mean, yes, eventually I do expect her to date and be happy. Maybe even get married. BUT, three weeks and already chatting with someone?!? I know loneliness and depression makes you do stupid things. Trust me, I have learned that lesson from my divorce. She thinks the guy is just being friendly. She said he has actually made a move.

James might not make the cut. The conversation continued yesterday, and I have to trust my gut. I ignored red flags with the serial cheater. I am not going to continue to ignored red flags. So, I guess I’m back to just seeing if anyone interesting comes along.

Finally, I went ahead and had Christmas with my kiddo yesterday. She opened all of her gifts. She was so excited. She goes back to ex’s for Christmas eve and then we have to go out of town for Christmas day. So, I figured having Christmas on Christmas eve eve would be a great idea.

Take the Picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Hard to believe, I know. This year is going to be insanely hard not having my dad here. I still can’t believe he is gone. I guess I still expect to get a text or a call from him. I expect to drive to my parents’ house for Christmas and see my dad sitting in his chair watching some educational program. I have to keep telling myself, and reminding myself that dad is gone.

Ironically, when I got divorced I told myself in five years I will be better off. Things will work out for the better. Well, it is five years down the road. I’m still single. Not even chatting with anyone. I still struggle with money. My ex is engaged. My dad is gone. My family is falling apart. Maybe next year will be better…

Last night I did something very difficult. I went through my photos, including watching the slideshow that played at my dad’s funeral. I cried the whole time. He was so happy in every picture. He loved life. I spent hours putting the pictures together into a photo book – I am having it printed online as a hardback full color book. It is sized 5×7 and has over 40 pages. Some pages have one picture. Some pages have seven pictures. I wanted all the pictures of my dad. I want more pictures, there would never be enough pictures…

I noticed a pattern over the years. In the beginning of my marriage, there were more family pictures. As my marriage started going down hill, there were less pictures of my family. My ex hated driving to our families houses. Then after my divorce, I lied to my family for two years. They didn’t know I was still sleeping with my ex. I didn’t know I was still wanting to be with him.

The past three years, I have struggled with money. My car has been a piece of shit. My dad’s health was getting worse. All of these factors made it where we seen each other less and less. I was only driving down maybe three to five times a year. They never drove up to see us. This year, 2018, was a horrible year. Things never worked out like they were supposed to. I don’t have a single picture of my dad from 2018 – that I took. There is not a single picture of my dad with me nor my daughter from 2018.

So, my words of advice: Take the picture.

I don’t care if you are fighting or upset. I don’t care if you just rolled out of bed. I don’t care if you suffer from depression and haven’t brushed your hair in three days. I don’t care if you want to lose weight.

Doesn’t matter!!

Take the picture. Be in the moment. Don’t take for granted that you will get to see your loved ones next week, next month, or even next year. Because you never know.

This year it is going to be hard to take the picture. There is going to be a missing piece, forever – my dad. I don’t know what drama the holiday will bring – drama within my family or drama with my ex.

But, bottom line is we’re going to have to continue on. We’re going to have to turn to each other for support. We’re going to have to live life like my dad lived his – happy, compassionate, and always smiling. He was always ready to take the picture.

Torture

Past couple of days have been torture. I still cry when I think about what happened. I still cry when I see his pictures. I still cry when I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. But it’s like I am torturing myself now. I am thinking about things that I can not change. I am wishing I’d called more, texted more, visited more. Remember the series Quantum Leap? I’m wishing life was like that and Sam would leap into our life and keep my dad here. My mom posted something about she wished they’d took a sick day that day then dad would still be here. We all are torturing ourselves right now, I guess. Then I think, maybe things happened exactly how they were supposed to. If my dad hadn’t been the car that man hit, then he would have hit the car that rear-ended dad. So, the man would have killed someone else. He would have destroyed another family. Maybe that person just had a baby or recently married. So, maybe dad saved another person. Saved another family. My family are fighters. We are ready for the fight it is going to take to put this guy away. There are going to be multiple lawsuits dealing with insurance and money. Plus, there are going to two separate criminal charges. This fight is going to take up to three years. I know my family is ready for this heartbreaking challenge.

I found a necklace that I ordered for myself. My daughter told ex about a necklace that she wanted. Ex asked her if it was a gift for me. She said no. Ex told her that in that case it could wait. He said he would “maybe get it. Sometime. lol” That is not funny! How dare he behave like that! He apparently never even asked my daughter how she was during the entire time she was over there. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. He is a “good dad” to girlfriend’s kids. My daughter pays the price. She had to go to their basketball games all weekend, and she got none of her homework done. How can this be okay?

So, I bought her the necklace. I helped her with her homework.

Ex is fucking up. I am tired of cleaning up his mess with our daughter.

Yesterday was my daughter’s band concert. Ex asked her if she was singing at the Christmas concert. – I don’t know if he thought she was in choir, or if he was trying to be funny. But it really annoyed my daughter.

The concert was hard. I’d invited my parents to come a few weeks ago. They were planning on coming. No one planned on dad being gone. I sat alone. Surrounded by all these couples and families. I fought back tears. Ex brought girlfriend and her kids. I fought back anger. Girlfriend texted my daughter during the concert. WHAT THE HELL? Why is she now trying to be friends with my daughter. Why didn’t she make an offer four years ago when ex was screwing both of us?!?

After the concert, we went out to eat. Of course, they were there too. Luckily, I didn’t have to look at them.

Still Crying

I’m having moments were I’m doing okay. I looked at some pictures of my dad – had to pick some out for the slideshow – and I was able to laugh and smile. I shared them on my social media. My mom called me yesterday afternoon (about 2:30) and asked if I wanted to drive down. I went ahead and drove down. It was hard. A couple of people were there helping with funeral details.

The funeral has to be a closed casket because there was just too much damage done. However, during family visitation today the casket will be open. I can’t. I can’t see him like that. I don’t want the last memories I have of my dad to see how badly he looked. So, I have decided not to go to visitation. I hope I’m making the right decision. I already have so many regrets during this situation, I don’t want not going to visitation to be another regret.

Found out the guy that hit him head on had received a speeding ticket the day before the accident. He was clocked doing 102mph. He apparently threw the ticket in the ditch.

My daughter cried most of the way home last night. She shares many of the same regrets that I do (not telling him goodbye at Thanksgiving. deleting all of his texts, without knowing we would never receive another text from him. not making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving.) I explained is okay to cry. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to talk about my dad, to tell stories, to remember him.

One regret I’m really starting to have is inviting my ex to the funeral. I went back and forth of what I should do. It would be nice to have him there to help with our daughter. My dad did not like him. I don’t want any drama from ex, that’s for sure!

I found out some more funeral details. I kind of want to take pictures. Is that tacky? I want pictures – there is going to be a bagpipe player (one request I remember my dad made over and over, ever since I was a young child), and he was a firefighter so the firefighters are going to do a last call (I think is what it is called. right now I struggle thinking of the correct words). But the funeral is going to be gorgeous. There are going to be so many people. My dad was so well liked and loved by everyone. He had this smile that made you smile.

(I plan on writing a post about my dad. I just need more time to find the words and my thoughts.)

I still have a voicemail on my phone – it is from my mom on Friday. I know it was when she was at the hospital. I have not listened to it. I can not bring myself to listen to it. The middle child was there when she left the voicemail. He told me not to listen to it, ever.

Oh, about inviting ex to the funeral. There is not going to be a family car available to drive us to the cemetery. I know I am going to need to ride with someone. I know I will be able to drive back home, but I will need a ride so I do not have to think about driving at that moment. I asked ex if he was coming to the funeral. He said “yeah, probably.” I asked if my daughter and I could ride with him to the cemetery. He refused. I was so mad. I wanted to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that I don’t want him back. I just want a ride from the funeral home to the cemetery. Maybe I should un-invite him.

Parenting After the Divorce

I stayed in my marriage for so long, not because I was happy – actually, I was happy when ex was deployed or at work. We fought like cats and dogs during our marriage. – I stayed because of my daughter. I was afraid ex would take her from me. I did not want to raise her in a broken home. And, the scariest thought, I did not want ex to find another woman to replace me as my daughter’s mom.

I know my daughter is more responsible and independent because she has been raised in a divorced situation since she was seven years old. She has had to grow up, way too fast, because she would live between multiple houses. I know that is really hard on her, but I also know there is nothing I can do about that.

I stayed with ex for two years after my divorce. When I found out about girlfriend and them being intimate, I bowed out. I did not want to be a booty call, or have sloppy seconds. I did not want to continue to allow ex to use me for sex. It killed me. I fell into a deep depression. I know it impacted my ability to parent at times. I remember, my daughter not wanting to come with me one occasion. Guys, that is a feeling I never want to feel again. The thought of my child not loving me or not wanting to be with me.

Now, I know I am a great mom. I know my daughter loves me and knows she can depend on me.

I read an article last night about someone growing up and remembering their parents were always in the stands at everyone of their games and activities. And that is how I am with my daughter. I work crazy hours. I have a ton of gray hair from the stress. I have dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I worry about bills and money. I still fight with ex. BUT, I am there for my daughter. I am in the stands. I am cheering her on. I am supporting her. I am taking pictures.

Last night, ex came early to get her. He didn’t even bother telling me what time he was coming over. I only knew when to expect him because he texted our daughter. He really needs to grow a pair and communicate with his ex-wife. That’s why I occasionally lash out at him, because I let all of his stupidity and his annoying behaviors slowly build up until I can’t take anymore. Anyway, since he came early, my daughter and I did not have enough time to work on her homework. So, I told her to text me if she had any questions. I stayed up until almost 10pm waiting for a text from her. (I know that doesn’t sound late, but when you have to be at work at 3am, it is late.) I gave up and went to bed. I woke up with several texts from her asking for help with her math. Okay, I’m usually really good and quick with math. These problems were graphing linear equations from word problems. NOOOO! I hate word problems! So, I watch a couple of videos to refresh my memory on what the hell needs to be done to solve and I try to quickly sketch out the information to snap a picture and send to her.

It is not the parenting I dreamed of growing up. When ex and I got together, we talked about have 2-3 kids. I didn’t dream of having 1 child and having to help her with homework through texts, at her dad’s girlfriend’s house.

“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

Lost My Cool with Ex

I messaged my ex this morning to find out what time he was bringing my daughter home.  No response. About twenty minutes later I try calling him. He would not answer. About forty minutes after my text, he texts me and says it’ll be about an hour. I decide to go to the store. It’s been almost two months since I’ve actually been shopping. We were extremely low on food.

I hate spending money. Everything is so expensive. Then the store only has two cashiers available. I spent more time standing in line then actually shopping. It is finally my turn and some random stranger comes up and starts grabbing items out of my cart. WTH? I get this person was trying to be kind, BUT don’t touch my stuff. Don’t invade my space.

Really put me in a bad mood by the time I get out of the store; I’m already annoyed. Then my daughter calls me. Not five minutes later ex calls me. I tell both of I am heading home now. They are both calling to figure out where I am, because for once I’m the one that is late for drop off/pick up.

I get home, and ex is sitting in my driveway with girlfriend and her kids and my daughter. I’m still annoyed. I get out of the car and start grabbing bags. My ex approaches and is just standing there.

I knew something was up.

****

me: What, dude?

ex: Can I have her back at 5pm?

me: Uh, why?

ex: Because we are going swimming.

me: Who the hell is “we?”

ex: Girlfriend’s family got a hotel, and we’re having a family get together.

****

Okay, by this time I am really annoyed! Why do I have to give up my time for girlfriend’s family?!?

I chew ex out for waiting until the last minute to talk to me about this plan. Of course my daughter wants to go swimming. But I am the time that has to plan. I have to be in control of my day.

I’ve always hated the “fly by the seat of your pants” characteristic of my ex. I would fool myself and think that it was wonderful because we were complete opposites. Maybe like ying-yang. I tried to make it a positive. It’s not. It’s a negative. He is worse now because girlfriend is the exact same way.

I told ex it was low putting me in that position of being the bad guy if I don’t let my kid go swimming. It is shitty of him to ask for me to give up my time with her for him to take her to be with girlfriend’s family.

Fine, whatever.

I’m so mad that he didn’t even ask if I had plans. Just automatically wanted to come get her, without offering me additional time.

My kid decided she didn’t want to go because they would only swim for maybe an hour, not worth it. So, ex was mad at my daughter for changing her mind because he got “yelled at” for no reason.

I did not yell or scream. I did speak harshly, but never yelled.

Got to hear about my daughter’s time at their house… apparently they got more dogs and they are not housebroken. Plus, the Christmas tree fell over. My daughter had to pick it all up. I asked where was everyone else? Ex was at the store buying girlfriend a new Christmas tree – aww, how thoughtful. I’ve been asking him since September to come and look at my heat in my house. I can’t even get that from him!! Girlfriend and her kids were sitting on the couch. Are you kidding me?!?

Am I being unreasonable?

He wants me to give up my time so she can be treated like Cinderella?