So This Happened…

Six years ago, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I filed for divorce. I was – at the time – truly in love with my ex. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to be with me. The next two years after the divorce, we were still together. I thought we were trying to work things out – no. I was being used for sex. The same time ex was telling me he loved me, he was going out with other woman. I hated myself. I felt cheap and dirty. I cried all the time. When I finally broke it off with ex I fell into a deep depression. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to provide closer to me about what went wrong. It was torture to see ex and girlfriend together. To me, it felt like she had won.

Even over the years, I have battled myself. Do I still love ex? Does he love me?

Some days I wonder if I love ex. I actually think I love the idea I had of my ex – you know the happy family. I think I love the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. I think I love the idea of being intimate with someone.

Yesterday, I was working. After work, I checked my phone. I had a text from ex. Our daughter had practice that night. He was on the road already. I decided to call – so he would not text and drive. I called him to remind him of practice. Didn’t know if he was going to meet us at practice? At my house afterwards? Did I have to drive her to girlfriend’s house?

Talked to ex a couple of minutes about the plans. Wrapping up the conversation. I told ex that I would talk to him later. He said “love ya.” I said “bye” and hanged up.

I guess I’d made a face when ex said that, because my daughter waited until I was off the phone and said “what happened?” I told her. She’s like he says that to girlfriend, her kids, and herself.

I know it is a habit for ex to say it. Honestly, I don’t know if he even realized what he said.

But years of wanting him to say those words to me. I didn’t like it yesterday. I didn’t feel any love – or any urge to say it back – for my ex.

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If You Want Me To

Something odd. Since I’ve been taking medication for depression, I’ve had a different vibe with my ex-husband.

For example, he came to drop our daughter off the other day and he stayed and talked for almost thirty minutes. This has happened a couple of times. Each time, I find myself inching towards the door ready to end the conversation, but he continues to talk.

Another situation, our daughter has raised chickens for the past five years to show. I’ve always been the one raising the chickens at my house. I am tired of having chickens. I asked ex if he wanted to raise chickens this year. His response, “If you want me to.” I’m thinking “what the hell?” I told him that it did not matter either way, but I was done raising chickens. He said he would go ahead and raise them this year. The whole time I’m thinking “isn’t there someone you should be talking to?” I mean, he lives at girlfriend’s house. You would think he would say “let me discuss this with girlfriend.”

Maybe I’m overthinking it all – as usual. Maybe this is what co-parenting is supposed to be like. It’s just completely odd and not something I’m used to.

Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

Hard Day

It’s been really tough the past couple of days. I really miss my dad. I look at pictures and relive the day of his death over and over. I have fought back tears for two days. I feel so alone. I want to talk about him. There’s no one to talk to. If I talk to my mom about him she starts crying. I want a sign that he is still around and watching over us.

I just think about everything I should have done and said. I think about everything he is going to miss in my life and my daughter’s life. Small things like never getting a text from him again, or never talking with him. To bigger things like when I get married, he won’t be there. I won’t have him to walk me down the aisle. I will never get to have a daughter/dad dance. I didn’t get to at my first wedding either. I always told myself I would dance with my dad at my next wedding.

I was chatting with a couple of people about ghosting – and other “joys” of online dating. One sent me a song – Make Him Wait. I started to listen to the song and had to turn it off. It talked about making the date wait at the door to meet your dad. Another part talked about dad walking you down the aisle on your wedding day.

I’m sure the tough days are normal. I am stretched so thin these days. I am working several hours with all three jobs. Sleep is a joke these days.

I switched medication for my depression. The first medication made me so tired. So, the doctor switched me to something to give me more energy. I guess I’m still adjusting to it. I sleep maybe three hours and then I’m up.

Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

Loneliness

The other day my mom called me. She was watching the news and there was a car accident where I lived. So, she was calling to make sure it wasn’t me in the accident.

During our conversation, I could tell when her mood changed. It went from talking about good and pleasant things to depression and loneliness.

She asked me “how do you deal with the loneliness?”

Keep in mind that my mom married my dad when she was 16. She’d been with him for 35 years. This “loneliness” is a brand new life for her.

I remember dealing with the loneliness when I first stopped seeing my ex-husband. Days that he had our daughter, I spent hours staring at a wall. Sitting in the dark. Crying. Not functioning. Completely lost.

Everyone expected me to be fine. I was the one that filed for divorce. I should have been fine with the outcome. The loneliness.

I knew my mom wanted an answer. I did my best. I responded “You learn to live with the new normal.” Dad is never coming back. As hard as it is to think about, it is true. We can not go back into time and prevent his death.

That was the best I could describe it. I understand she is lonely. I understand she lost her soul mate. I never imaged that I would be the one having to comfort and give my mom knowledge about hard life lessons.

Now, I’m not going to lie… the loneliness is hard. But the truth is you adapt. You seriously do learn how to live in the new normal. You find things to keep your self busy. You find people to talk to. You enjoy your time with yourself.

The truth is, I’m not lonely anymore. I enjoy my me time. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m not trying very hard to find one. I don’t mind being alone.

Pushy Guys

I don’t care if you’ve been trying online dating for one hour or one year, you are going to come across some pushy guys (and girls). I’ve had my online dating accounts for almost four years now – WOW. That’s insane to say that number out loud – and I still deal with pushy guys.

Okay. First off, know what you want. If you want casual sex, friends with benefit, a relationship – whatever – know what you want and don’t be pressured into anything other than that.

Second, protect yourself. Common sense don’t provide personal information online. Make sure you meet in public. Make sure someone knows where you are when you are meeting someone.

Third, don’t take it personally. You have to have thick skin to handle online dating. Seriously.

So, I received a message from this one guy. He had several pictures of himself, but I still had a feeling about him. We exchanged a couple of messages – I was watching for red flags of a scammer. His grammar was deceit (he used “cuz” and that drove me insane! We are not junior high students anymore.) Then the red flag – he asked for my phone number.

Now, some might think that if we were exchanging messages then exchanging phone numbers would be a good idea to continue to the conversation. NO! I haven’t handed out my number in years. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

My favorite app to use is kik. You don’t have to use your phone number or email address (Skype connected to my email information. Viber connected to my actual phone number. Google Hangouts connected to my google account.) kik is free to download. You create an ID and password. You can call, text, video chat, and exchange photos with kik. It is easy to block people. It is fairly user friendly.

Anyway, this guy asked for my phone number. I declined. He continued by saying he’s not on that site very often so texting would be easier. That’s the trap. You think you are missing this opportunity to continue to talk to someone – maybe “the one” – if you do not give them your phone number. Nah. You’re not missing out on anything. They are still going to be on that site. Once you give them your phone number they are able to access your real name and physical address. Also, if your Facebook is connected to your phone number then they can find you there.

I offered my kik. He ignored and still asked for my phone number. Bye boy.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Reflecting

So, I’m on day three of my depression medication. It makes me tired as hell. I am actually sleeping at night though. I take it at night – if not, I would not function during the day. I am actually sleeping more than two hours at a time. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills before and they were a high dose before I was able to go to sleep, but they left me feeling completely confused. On the sleeping pills, I would wake up with no clue where I was. With the depression medications, I wake up alert and focused. My mind is clear. Right now that is what I’ve really noticed with the medication. I’ve been on medication for anxiety and I felt stoned and like my mind was a complete fog. Like I said, with this depression medication, I feel alert and focused but I don’t feel weird. However, it is still really early in the prescription.

I’ve been thinking about the thought of counseling. I think at my doctor appointment in three weeks, I am going to go ahead and get some information. At least see how much it will cost me. I mean, I think counseling would be a good thing. I think anyone’s office that I walk into is going to have a field day and think WHERE THE HELL  HAVE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG?!? (I mean, not just with my dad’s death, but my divorce, self injuring/harming thoughts, eating issues, body image, and the list can go on and on.)

Concerns… Of course, money. But I heard someone else started counseling and their insurance increased $300 a year. I can’t afford that.

Take the Picture

Christmas is less than two weeks away. Hard to believe, I know. This year is going to be insanely hard not having my dad here. I still can’t believe he is gone. I guess I still expect to get a text or a call from him. I expect to drive to my parents’ house for Christmas and see my dad sitting in his chair watching some educational program. I have to keep telling myself, and reminding myself that dad is gone.

Ironically, when I got divorced I told myself in five years I will be better off. Things will work out for the better. Well, it is five years down the road. I’m still single. Not even chatting with anyone. I still struggle with money. My ex is engaged. My dad is gone. My family is falling apart. Maybe next year will be better…

Last night I did something very difficult. I went through my photos, including watching the slideshow that played at my dad’s funeral. I cried the whole time. He was so happy in every picture. He loved life. I spent hours putting the pictures together into a photo book – I am having it printed online as a hardback full color book. It is sized 5×7 and has over 40 pages. Some pages have one picture. Some pages have seven pictures. I wanted all the pictures of my dad. I want more pictures, there would never be enough pictures…

I noticed a pattern over the years. In the beginning of my marriage, there were more family pictures. As my marriage started going down hill, there were less pictures of my family. My ex hated driving to our families houses. Then after my divorce, I lied to my family for two years. They didn’t know I was still sleeping with my ex. I didn’t know I was still wanting to be with him.

The past three years, I have struggled with money. My car has been a piece of shit. My dad’s health was getting worse. All of these factors made it where we seen each other less and less. I was only driving down maybe three to five times a year. They never drove up to see us. This year, 2018, was a horrible year. Things never worked out like they were supposed to. I don’t have a single picture of my dad from 2018 – that I took. There is not a single picture of my dad with me nor my daughter from 2018.

So, my words of advice: Take the picture.

I don’t care if you are fighting or upset. I don’t care if you just rolled out of bed. I don’t care if you suffer from depression and haven’t brushed your hair in three days. I don’t care if you want to lose weight.

Doesn’t matter!!

Take the picture. Be in the moment. Don’t take for granted that you will get to see your loved ones next week, next month, or even next year. Because you never know.

This year it is going to be hard to take the picture. There is going to be a missing piece, forever – my dad. I don’t know what drama the holiday will bring – drama within my family or drama with my ex.

But, bottom line is we’re going to have to continue on. We’re going to have to turn to each other for support. We’re going to have to live life like my dad lived his – happy, compassionate, and always smiling. He was always ready to take the picture.