“Home” and Dating in your 30’s

Last night, my daughter played in the band at her first football game. It was great – brought back memories, I was in band too. Funny thing, they played the same songs we played when I first started marching. Her hair was down – usually it is in a ponytail since her hair is down to her waist. After the game, she made a comment that she wished she’d put her hair in a pony tail but she’d left a pony tail holder at home. She was with ex the night before. So, I am not sure if she was referring to girlfriend’s house as “home” or she meant my house as “home.”

Honestly, I wanted to ask. I secretly hoped she meant my house was “home.” But I kept my mouth shut. I could not question her. What if she did mean girlfriend’s house as “home?” Then shouldn’t I be happy that she feels comfortable enough to refer to that house as “home?” Should I be hurt if she doesn’t refer to my house as “home?” Maybe I’m being oversensitive.

I did ask her about her room at girlfriend’s house. I want to support my daughter and her life with ex. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. I don’t want her to think that she has to hide her feelings – good or bad – just because it has to do with ex and girlfriend. I really don’t want any more surprises like the church conversation.

****

I have decided I suck at dating and flirting. I don’t know if I was ever very successful at flirting. I mean, in high school I also had a boyfriend and guy’s were interested. But, let’s face it, they were probably only interested because there were rumors about me being easy and ex calling me “condom queen” did not help. FYI, I never had sex in high school.

Then I started dating ex our senior year. I didn’t have to flirt with anyone except for him. Now, honestly, I think occasionally I do still catch myself flirting with ex. Maybe it is just habit? Maybe deep down I still love him?

I had two guys message me – well that were not scammers – yesterday. One, I have tried chatting with this guy and I have blocked him over and over and over. He continues to make a new profile and messages me again. He doesn’t work. He drinks and does drugs socially. He is a porn addict. The second guy, we exchanged messages. He told me about his likes. I responded. Guess it wasn’t the response he wanted because he told me I don’t sound very enthusiastic. hmm… no, I didn’t. Honestly, I wasn’t. I mean he likes spending time with friends and family. He goes bowling and plays golf. WTH am I supposed to say to that? “OMG, THAT’S GREAT! TELL ME MORE, PLEASE!!”

I’m socially awkward. I laugh at weird moments. I text “lol” when I don’t know what else to say. I don’t share or open up too much right away. I’m afraid of how I may come across if I do start talking/texting. For example, there was one guy I’d asked for a picture to make sure it was the same person and he asked if I wanted a picture of his face or penis. I joked “typical male, always looking for the opportunity to show IT off.” He blocked me. Hmm… guess I need to work on my joking/ flirting skills.

I also don’t know how to catch their attention if I message first. I mean, what you see is what you get. Figure if my pictures or profile doesn’t catch your attention then I’m not going to waste my time. So usually I send the lame message “Hello. How are you?” Or, if they have something interesting in their profile I’m respond to it.

Wish dating was easy like when I was a teenager. Now, I have to worry about liars, cheaters. I have to think about what is best for my daughter. I have to worry about my safety. I have to be paranoid of STDs and pregnancy. Dating in your 30’s is not fun.

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I Don’t Want to be Replaced as Mom

My daughter was seven when I filed for divorce. However, I continued to be with my ex-husband for two more years after our divorce was finalized. After ex and I were finished, he was seeing someone else (actually before we were finished – but that is a different post completely). She was already around my daughter. Ex was paying for them to have their nails done together – something that he had never done for me. I felt like I was being replaced as her mother. He was trying to make my daughter bond with this other woman. Paying for things to try to bring them closer together. Giving them opportunities to do things I’d never gotten to do with my daughter.

It did not help when I found out he was seeing this woman the same time he was telling me that he loved me and was having sex with me. He was spending the days with me and our daughter, and sneaking – now girlfriend – this woman into the house at night (we lived in separate houses that’s why I was not aware for this happening).

When I found out, I broke. I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up blacking out. I fell into a three month depression where I was physically ill all of the time. I was not eating or sleeping. I was a horrible role model for my daughter. I really did fear I would be replaced. Actually, looking back I’m surprised my daughter did not want to replace me.

I’m pretty sure if it was ex’s choice, my daughter would have to call this woman “mom.” I’m pretty sure he would just erase me from the picture completely.

Back then, I feared I would be replaced in my daughter’s life. I mean, what nine year old would not love to get their nails done; go shopping; and have this “family” because that was the woman with her dad.

My daughter is about to turn thirteen. I do not fear being replaced as her mom. She knows I am mom. She knows I am in her corner 100%.

Yesterday, my daughter I were talking. She’s having to do a fundraiser for school. The school told the students the best place to sell is at church. Um… neither ex nor I are Christian, and do not attend church. I know girlfriend makes her kids go to church, so I made a comment to my daughter that I guess she could try going to their church and sell her stuff for the fundraiser.

I asked what type of church do they attend – I was raised going to church so I was preparing for possible questions. My daughter did not know. So, I started explaining to her what church was like depending on the different domination.

My daughter’s next comment actually stopped me in my tracks: I’ve already went to church with girlfriend and her kids.

What!?

When?!?

Ex went??!?!?!?!

Apparently, ex did not go. He sent my daughter with them. But this happened years ago. Apparently it was just the one time.

I was so hurt: 1. I did not know about this sooner. – What if she had questions? What if she wanted to start attending church? I was in the dark about another thing in my daughter’s life. 2. Ex would make a decision like that without talking to me. – Typical behavior from him. But seriously, I think both parents should be included. Yes, my daughter’s religion and beliefs are hers to make, but if we are introducing something important that could and possibly would affect her BOTH PARENTS SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN THAT DECISION. 3. What else do I not know that I am going to be blindsided by? This is the one that really scares me. What else has happened while my daughter is with ex and girlfriend that I do not know. Why didn’t she tell me – was she scared? Did she not think it was important?

I did talk to my daughter about it, so we got that situation taken care of.

Then she made a comment about girlfriend – honestly, I don’t remember the comment. I said, I don’t know because I don’t really know girlfriend. My daughter said, that’s okay you’re not missing out on anything.

So, I don’t know if that comment was made because she wants to protect my feelings or if she really dislikes girlfriend.

I have heard my daughter refer to girlfriend as “step monster.” I tell her that is not nice. I do expect my daughter to have respect for people that earn/deserve it. I know the stories that I hear this woman has not earned my daughter’s respect. As far as I can tell she is respectful to the girlfriend. She doesn’t call her names. She helps around the house. She does things with girlfriend – they still get their nails done together.

Here’s my conflict. A part of me does want to get to know this woman. I want to have this support system for my daughter.

Actually, a lot of things I hear about girlfriend – she is a lot like me! Same taste in movies, and some music. We both have tattoos. We both dye our hair (I do red and black. She does blonde and black). But we are different. I never wear makeup. She never is seen without makeup – my daughter said even when they do not leave the house, girlfriend wears makeup 24/7. Her hair is always in a tight bun. Mine is always down in my wild curls. Used to girlfriend was thin – ex always criticized my weight. Last time I seen girlfriend, she was pretty close to my size.

I wonder if girlfriend and I would click.

But then I think why? Why try to be friends?

I don’t want to be friends with someone that sleeps with someone else’s man. I don’t want to be friends with someone that tries to keep the parents from having a good, civil relationship with each other for the sake of their child(ren). I don’t want to invite dramatic possibilities into my life. Besides what would happen when we start sharing stories about ex. eww.

As much as I don’t want to be replaced as mom – I don’t think I will be replaced – I wonder what will happen when I meet a great man. My daughter has already asked if/when I get remarried if she could call the new guy “dad.”

Oh, and I finally got the address from ex – since he is moving in with girlfriend. I got her address and home phone number. I put that information in my phone. Found her Facebook profile and got a contact photo of her. She’s not saved in my phone by her name – nor is ex. But instead, ex is saved as My daughter’s father; girlfriend is saved as Ex-husband’s girlfriend. Both are in another language.

Hopefully, healing is taking progress… baby steps.

Deployment is coming to a close.

This is the first deployment my ex-husband has had since our divorce. Ironically, this deployment sent him to the exact same location and base as his last deployment, which was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage.

After he returned from that deployment, I knew my marriage was over.

I hated talking to him online while he was deployed because it always led to a fight. It always felt like there was another person just off camera that he would look at and whisper to. If we messaged instead of video chatted, his messages always were aggressive and looking for a fight. I felt like I was being used in a sick game – how much shit could I take before I break.

When he returned from that deployment, I was sitting at my daughter’s school – she had cheer that day. I was reading a book because her group was in another location practicing for a few minutes. Ex came in and kicked the chair I was sitting in. That was how I was greeted. It wasn’t a playful and loving – kind of flirting – type of kick. This kick had force behind it. I really think he wanted to knock me onto the floor. He asked where our daughter was; I told him. That was all he said to me. That was on a Wednesday.

That Saturday, we took our daughter to a rodeo. Ex had not spoken to me since he’d been back. Tension was horrible. After we got home, he went to bed. I stayed up. I decided to get on his computer. He was still signed into everything. (To this day, I regret not looking). I logged him out of his Facebook, e-mail, and messenger. I was about to log out of his Skype, and something in me said I needed to look. So, I did. I opened the first conversation. It was to a female. I could only see his responses, but that was enough. Long story short: He told her he was going to divorce me to be with her. He’d bought her gifts – including sexy underwear.

I logged out. I couldn’t read any more. I ended up shutting down the computer without even bothering to surf the web – or whatever my original intention was to kill the time before heading to bed.

The next day – Sunday, I told ex what I knew. He claimed they never had sex, but he wanted to and she’d turned him down. He said that he’d planned on telling me that he wanted a divorce on Monday because he didn’t want to ruin my weekend.

I filed for divorce the next day.

Fast forward five years. I don’t want my ex back. However, I was concerned about him being deployed. With deployments there is always the risk of him not returning – how would that effect my daughter? It’s hard enough for her to have divorced parents, but to have a decease parent?

Since we are not married, in the case of his death, who is on his will? Our daughter? His parents? His girlfriend and her kids? I did talk to him a little about it before his deployment. Our daughter was listed for his life insurance.

I was concerned about being able to juggle my schedule and my daughter’s schedule, but even when ex is in the states he is over four hours away. So, I juggle schedules all the time without him.

Actually, I haven’t thought much about him during this deployment. I don’t message him unless it is about our kid. If video chats with her on her phone.

Honestly, I have really enjoyed getting to have my daughter full-time. I am not ready to go back to having her only part-time. I know she needs time with ex. I am not going to keep his kid from him. But it is still going to be an adjustment for me, and I think for her too. She is used to living with me. Now she will have to go back to sharing a room with ex’s girlfriend’s kids; and spending most of her time with her dad actually with girlfriend at her house.

I know I’m being selfish.

Maybe I’ll actually find someone worth dating again to occupy my “kid free” time. Doubt it. I haven’t been even asked out on a date since April, which was the serial cheater. No one actually makes it through chatting more than a day, if that.

I am concerned about ex’s return. Will I have any emotions? Will there be drama? I know he is planning on a vacation when he gets back. Apparently he has mentioned taking my kid to the beach – awesome! Bitter sweet thought – I would love for her to see the beach, but to miss that experience with her makes me sad.

The other day, ex messaged my kid saying they were not going to the beach. Instead, he was thinking about going to the Great Lakes. Okay. Not as exciting as the beach, but cool. I just want my kid to be safe and to have a great time.

Honestly, I would love if ex would take only her – our daughter – on vacation. I think that time would be great for the two of them. However, I know my ex. He is going to take girlfriend and her kids too.

I know what you are thinking, he’s in a relationship. That’s how relationships work. True. But, he knows more about what is going on in girlfriend’s kids’ lives than his own daughter. He is damaging their relationship because he chooses girlfriend and her kids over his daughter. I think he should spend some time with his daughter then take everyone somewhere (My daughter said I should come too). Hell, I will come and watch the kids – haha.

Now, he apparently is planning just to stay in state for the trip. He wants to go to a water park. My kid wants to go to a science museum. I am not sure how this situation will play out, but I hope she gets to do something fun and enjoyable.

I’m not ready for his deployment to be over only because I worry about what drama may occur.

Best Attitude

I’m a mom, so I have to brag about my child real quick.

Yesterday was the first day of cheer camp. She was awarded a t-shirt for having the best attitude of the day. I am so proud of her.

It’s funny, there are days I wonder if I am doing everything I need to and how is she being affected being raised with divorced parents then something happens for that quick reassurance that I am doing something right.

She also helped with the 4-H Teen Leaders educational booth, which I was very proud of her because even though she’d been at cheer camp for seven hours she still went to help make the educational booth. She did not complain. She looked for ways to be helpful. She stayed late until it was completed.

Parenting. Am I doing it right?

I’m sure all parents wished their children came with handbooks, right?

Today’s society is slowly getting closer to that wish. There’s an app to help parents decide if a baby’s cry means hunger, hurt, distress, etc. On social media, there are so many mom groups for other moms to ask questions and get advice.

I want a great relationship with my daughter. I want to raise her to be a strong, confident woman. During, and after, my divorce I worried about being able to parent her in a broken home.

I never worried about when to feed her, change her, what to do when she was sick because that came naturally to me. I was a nervous having a baby, but I knew I would be able to care for her.

I worried about being able to correctly teach her right from wrong; how to be a friend when you are an only child; how to care about others; how to love yourself.

I must be doing something right. This weekend, I have been taking pictures of a pageant. Long hours – 13 hours on the first day then another five hours yesterday. Tonight is the final night. However, my daughter has been at a friend’s house so she would not have to sit around the entire time. I was still taking pictures around 10:30pm last night. I get a text from her telling me “good night” and “I love you.” I responded. I mentioned I was still at the pageant. The next message from her completely melted my heart; she told me to “be careful.” To have a pre-teen to consider someone else and to care about someone getting home safely is amazing.

Some days I wonder if I am raising her right. After last night, I got my answer for another day. I must be doing something right.

Where does my loyalty remain after the divorce?

When I was married, I was loyal to my husband – 100%. I don’t mean just being with him and no one else (sexually and romantically); I mean during issues with family. I took my husband’s side every time. I stood up for him. I protected him.

Who gets my loyalty now that I am divorced? Obviously my child gets my loyalty 100%.

But who comes next? My family or my ex?

Yesterday, my child went to camp for a few days. My car isn’t the greatest vehicle out there. I’d asked my parents if they would like to come with us and give us a ride. Of course they could have said “no.” Honestly, I was surprised when they did not decline the request! Even yesterday when they were supposed to arrive, I was surprised they came. There have been many times we have planned something or I needed help with something and they refused or back out at the last minute. I was happy when they showed up. The car trip was pleasant. They got to see and visit with my daughter on the way to camp. The trip back wasn’t too bad either. They plan on coming back up and making the trip to pick up my child, too.

So, where’s the issue? Where does the question of loyalty come into play?

Hours later, I was scrolling on social media. I seen a post my mom made about taking her granddaughter to camp that day. My mom still has my ex as a friend on social media. I knew what drama was going to happen. I prepared myself.

My ex makes the comment on social media about how if he’d known my parents were the ones “having” to take my daughter to camp he would have found someone else. My mom said, Why? I’m her grandmother. I didn’t mind doing it. He says if they had been busy or had to go out of their way, he could have done something by finding someone else because he knew it was a long trip. This continues back and forth for a bit before I decide I better step in. I make the comment telling him if there is an issue then he can talk to ME about it, and not on social media.

First let me say, ex has never drove my daughter to camp. He has never offered to give me money for gas to take her to camp. The “someone else” would had either been his girlfriend or his mother. So, what is the difference between me asking – and going with – my parents, and him asking his girlfriend or parents? His opportunity to make me look bad? To look like a bad mother? A lazy person?

Second, I do not think I was in the wrong to ask MY parents for a ride. It is my family. It is my business. My ex is not even in the country; he is deployed. If my parents had been busy or didn’t want to – trust me – they would have said something – my parents are NOT shy. They speak their mind, no matter if its what I want to hear or not.

Then I get a message from my mom saying she’d sent ex a private message. She copied and pasted the message to him for me to see. I was so irritate. She talked about her disappointment in him. He is spending money on others instead of his own child. It’s been months since he’d sent a child support check.

I called her. I asked her why? Why send that? Why cause more drama for me?

She said she is entitled to her own opinion, and I cannot tell her what she can and cannot say to my ex.

True. She is an adult. But what is it going to accomplish by sending that message?

She thinks that message is going to be a wake up call for ex. She thinks it is going to make him want to give us more in child support.

Here’s the question of loyalty coming into play.

I told my mom that ex is deployed, he will send a check sometime. He sends a few weeks at a time about every six to eight weeks. It works. Should I get more child support? Absolutely. BUT, I make it work. I know if I seriously need something for my daughter, ex will give me money. He pays for her sports. He pays for her school clothes.

My mom’s response? She told me to stop defending him. She told me to stop being a pushover. Stop being so nice. Don’t be scared of him.

I’m not scared of my ex-husband.

Am I too nice? Am I a pushover? Perhaps. My reason? My daughter.

There is no reason to have hate toward ex. There is no reason to fight and have drama. If I ask for money for her, he will probably give it to me. He may complain, but he will give it to me – most of the time. Yes, more child support each week would help so much. But, I make it work. I keep my bills paid. I make sure my child has food and shelter. She is loved and cared for.

I want to be the bigger person. I don’t care about the money. I want to be a role model for my child. I don’t want her to have to choose between parents. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hate either of us. She knows ex has money, and I struggle with money. I don’t want her to feel like it is her fault or anything.

My conversation with my mom continued on. I gave her my reasoning. I told her why I was upset about the message, but also told her I get why she sent it. I said if getting my daughter from camp is going to be an issue, then don’t worry about it. She then told me I was acting just like my ex.

Ouch. Name calling? Eh. I do online dating. I’ve been called worse, and spoken to a lot worse than that.

So, who gets my loyalty? My family or my ex? I still don’t know.

I just know, I’m too old for drama. I just want to be a great mom for my daughter, and for people not to present obstacles in my everyday life.

Weight loss update July 6, 2018

I’m still working on losing weight. Still working out. Yesterday I shocked myself!!

June 29: 280 lbs. Started working out.

July 1: Able to do a 3 second plank.

July 2: Able to do a 8 second plank.

July 3: App had built in rest day.

July 4: Instead of doing the work out routine with the app, my daughter and I went walking at the walking trail in the park looking for kindness rocks.

July 5: Able to do a 30 second plank! I was so proud of myself! I could not believe it!! I was so excited, I decided to get on the scale. It was scary getting on the scale. Yes, I am noticing improvements since I’ve been working out. I was worried the scale would still read 280lbs or show I’ve gave weight. I got on the scale: 273lbs!!

Still have a long ways to go, but I am slowly getting there. Super excited and proud of my accomplishments thus far.

Turning negative into positive.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe July 4th for my American followers.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day with a horrible migraine. I still feel horrible today, but still have to go to work to make money and pay the bills. Since I didn’t feel great yesterday, I had no plans of doing anything for the holiday.

My daughter was on her phone, and she started crying. I asked her what was going on. She said her dad had texted her. So, of course since she was upset I wanted to know what was said. Apparently, he’d sent her a text telling her that he had gave his girlfriend some money to buy fireworks – he is deployed and he loves shooting off fireworks. I thought my daughter was upset that we did not have any fireworks to shoot off too. I told her we could go to town and buy a few fireworks – granted buying fireworks was not in the budget, but I could make it work. She said she wasn’t upset about the fireworks. She was upset that ex gives girlfriend and her kids money for fun stuff, but not us.

We then went to town. I asked her again if she would like to buy some fireworks; she still said no. I found a place in town and contacted them about my daughter and I volunteering at – she is very excited to do some more community service. Then we went to the park and went rock hunting – my community does the kindness rocks. We didn’t find any, but at least we had fun and kept up with our exercising.

Saying Goodbye.

Death is not easy for anyone. It is a fear for many. I have never been comfortable handling losing a loved one; however, I have to be strong and there for my child.

My grandfather has stage 4 cancer. We have known for a few years. He is slowly getting worse. He has undergone chemo and radiation. The cancer spread to bones, kidneys, and liver.

My daughter thinks very highly of my grandfather. So, when I had to tell her he had cancer it was heartbreaking. She asked if he was going to die. I have kept her informed about his condition over the last couple of years – we do not live close to my family, so going for a visit does not happen often.

Two Christmases ago, we were at my grandfather’s house and he passed out in front of everyone. Scared my daughter. That was completely new experience – seeing someone sick. We went to the ER with him. I took my daughter because if it was serious I wanted her to have the chance to say goodbye. The doctors released him that day – it was actually just an issue with medications.

We have seen him a few times since then. Each time he is more fragile. Doesn’t look like the same person.

We were supposed to visit everyone this past Mother’s Day. I had an allergic reaction and had to go to the ER on Mother’s Day. So, I did not feel up to making the trip. Selfish on my part – I’m sorry.

Last night, I received a call from my parents saying my grandfather was not able to get out of bed and is fading fast. Obviously we could not just hope in the car and go over there due to distance. We called him. Let my daughter talk to him. Tell him she loved him. I was proud of her – her voice never cracked. She talked to him and told him everything she’d be busy doing over the summer.

I just hope I am strong enough for my daughter. I hope when I have to tell her he has passed away I can provide the support she’ll need. I hope I can handle going to another funeral.

I’ve never handle death well. When I was seven we lost my grandmother to cancer. My parents didn’t want my first funeral to be hers, so they took it to several funerals before hers. I remember not crying at her funeral – I was numb to the situation – until I saw my dad cry.

I never did say goodbye to my grandmother because I had been told not to let her see me cry. I have lived with that regret for so many years. I hope my daughter doesn’t have that same regret, since she did get to speak to him on the phone last night.

This will be the first person’s death my daughter will have to deal with. We have lost pets – several. The hardest one was last November, my cat – I’d had her for over a decade – she was hit by a car. Her back half was crushed – I knew there was no saving her – but she’d managed to drag herself back home. My daughter was with me when I found her. I called the vet. I told my daughter what was happening. We walked into the vet’s office, tears pouring down both of our faces. The cat was meowing – I know she was scared and hurt. They asked if I wanted to be there when they put her down. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t sit in that room and watch my cat die. I wanted to go home, and cry.

Like I said, I don’t handle death very well. There has been lots of hard situations in my life dealing with death. I just hope I can be the emotional support my daughter needs. I hope she doesn’t follow in my footsteps – when I lost my grandmother, I became an emotional eater. I didn’t talk to anyone because everyone seemed to just move on so quickly. I couldn’t. I missed her. I was scared of going to sleep – they had told me she’d died in her sleep.

I hope I am strong enough for my daughter.

Life is busy these days.

Weight Loss Journey Update: First off, I am sticking with the weight loss journey. I have to admit, Sunday I really wanted to say forget it, and skip a day. I was sore and stiff. I didn’t skip the day. I felt like I was successful after that workout. Yesterday, I wanted to work out. The bad thing is, yesterday’s work out consisted of a lot of floor exercises. My lower back is screaming in pain today. Luckily, today is a rest day. However, I am seeing improvement. Small accomplishments; such as, being able to plank for 3 more seconds longer than the day before. It’s not much, but have to start some where. I have not gotten onto the scale yet. Honestly, the numbers do not matter. What matters is how my clothes fit, and how I look at myself in the mirror. I am using an app, it is pretty cool. It has an exercise routine planned out for the day. It keeps track of time of work out, and estimated amount of calories burned. It includes a reminder to work out that day. It includes a meal plan, which I am not doing the meal plan – yet. I want to go slow to stick with this new lifestyle.

CPR Training: I am so proud of my child, she completed CPR and First Aid training yesterday! She actually read through the entire manual. I quizzed her on her knowledge and understanding before the class. She told me when she got to class she was the only one who knew how to correctly remove soiled gloves. She said she got complimented on her wrapping skills for wounds. I hope that is the fire she needed to stay motivated with 4-H. She is now looking forward to turning fourteen, when she can join the vet science 4-H club – she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up (she has wanted to be a veterinarian since she was four).

Summer Camp: Had to take her to the store yesterday to buy some supplies for her to go to summer camp this weekend. She is so excited. It is a 4-H craft camp. I remember a few years ago, the only way I got her to stay at camp was I had to volunteer to go too. It was fun, great memories. But, she is 12, she is old enough to go to camp without me, and she has been for a couple of years now. I am glad she is excited to go. I cannot wait to hear about her experience and see all of the crafts!

Disneyland Co-parent: I used to hate – and I mean HATE – having a Disneyland co-parent to work with. I felt like a failure. I felt like he was rubbing it in my face all of the time. Even now, money is tight. I work. I pay my bills. My daughter has a roof over her head, and food in her tummy. I don’t have the money to spend randomly. Right now, I am saving and looking for deals for Christmas and birthday gifts. My ex transferred money for me to take our daughter to buy a Nintendo Switch and three games. A few years ago, I would have been so angry! Now, I’m glad he has money and is spending it on his child. I hate that I cannot do the same, but I know that is not what is important. It was fun watching her play her Just Dance game on the Nintendo Switch though. Hearing her laugh and watching her have fun was great.