Weight Loss Journey

Obviously since I write under a pseudo name I can not post pictures, but I am going to begin another difficult chapter in my life: weight loss.

Just typing that sentence is scary. It brings back so many memories, and emotions.

I have struggled with my weight since third grade. When I was seven-years-old, a family member passed away. I was extremely close to that person. I seen the person the day they passed away – they had cancer. We knew they were dying. I was told not to let them see me cry. So, that day I kept my distance. I stayed on the other side of the room. All of the hospital equipment sitting in their living room. I could not bring myself to go to them and give them a kiss and say goodbye – a mistake that will forever haunt me. They passed away that night. I never got to say “goodbye” or “I love you.” After that, I became an emotional eater. Everyone else seemed to go on without any problems and no one talked to me about my feelings. I found comfort in food.

Growing up, my mom put me on different diets. Never worked. When I entered seventh grade, I had to join athletics. I did not lose weight that year either.

In eight grade I found something that did finally make me start losing weight: eating disorders. At first, I would skip a meal here or there. It was working. I was losing weight. No one said anything to me about it.

I continued that behavior through high school. I made excuses about why I wasn’t eating. I know people knew what I was doing, but no one spoke up! I know people could see I was sick, but no one offered help! At my lowest weight, I was 100 lbs.

A few years ago, I seen a picture of myself during that time frame. I was smiling in the picture, but I didn’t look happy. I looked like I didn’t feel good. I looked like I needed help. I could not believe what I was seeing in that photo. There are not many pictures of myself as a teenager, but that is one I will always remember.

In college, I did start to eat. For a few years, I was at a healthy weight. I went back into old habits of being an emotional eater.

During my pregnancy, I was so sick morning, noon, and night. After that, I never wanted to vomit again! And after years of starving myself, I hate to feel hungry.

You would think those hunger pains go away. No. They are always there. You learn to ignore and just live with them. I hate those memories.

Of course, my emotional eating continued with my marriage and into my divorce.

I thought the divorce diet would help. I slipped into a couple of months of depression where I was physically sick. I did lose weight – about 20 lbs – but I have since gained that back.

A couple of years ago, a friend bought a gym and invited me to join. I did. I joined her class. We did about two hours of aerobics and strength training five days a week. Of course the weight was coming off. I was starting to look good. I was gaining muscles and losing inches. My clothes were so baggy. Even my ex-husband gave me compliments about how good I was looking – he never told me I was pretty or good looking in our marriage.

I continued this for a year. She left the gym. There were no more classes. I lost motivation. I did not have a workout buddy. Without that motivation, I gained that weight and all of those inches back.

I do walk with my child and my dog in the spring and fall occasionally. Winter and summer depends on the weather, of course. But that is a short walk of maybe 15 to 20 minutes.

I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. My child is old enough to workout with me. She does multiple sports: cheer, tumbling, softball, soccer. So, she has to workout too.

So, I am beginning my weight loss journey again.

I have worked out the past two days. My body is stiff and sore. But doing it with my child, and seeing how excited she is that I am doing it with her, really helps. She is definitely my motivation. I want to be able to keep up with her. I want to be around to see her graduate, start a career, get married, have a family, and have a wonderful life.

So, as I said, I am starting this weight loss journey again. I am at my heaviest weight: 280lbs. I know the weight isn’t going to fly off and I become 150lbs overnight. It took years to gain this weight. It will take time to lose it – in a healthy way.

My first goal is to get to 260lbs.

Excited, nervous, scared… but it has to be done. Let’s begin.

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Parenting

One of the hardest things to adjust to after divorce is visitations. I was used to having my child all of the time, and I still remember the first weekend away from her. We both cried. She didn’t understand why she had to go, but I didn’t go with her. That has been years ago, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday.

So, I have been fairly silent the past few days because I have been so busy between work and my child’s activities. We played cards for a couple of hours each night for the past three days. We’ve watched movies. We talked. I’ve heard her laugh. I’ve watched her practice cheer and tumbling. I watch her eyes light up when she gets closer to mastering a skill. I’ve watched up get up in front of a crowd and talk with confidence. I’ve watched her lose with grace. I’ve also seen the upset and heartbreak of disappointment. It has been a wonderful past few days. I have enjoyed every minute of it.

But that’s something I really hate about being divorced – missing my child’s life. Missing these awesome moments while she is at her dad’s house. She is growing up so fast and I miss key moments. It is hard, but I always look forward to when she comes back home and tells me about what I missed. I swallow my hurt and I listen. I know it is going to include ex – obviously – his girlfriend, and her children, but I continue to listen and love every minute of it. Just because I am not there, my child is still sharing her life with me.

Father’s Day

First off, happy father’s day to all my followers that are fathers.

I seen a post online the other day about watching out because all the single mother’s were going to try to claim today. It included a heated debate. Some believed that if you are not male then this holiday has nothing to do with you. Some believed that if they play the role of mother and father, then they have the right to celebrate this day. Others brought up the issue of same sex couples. However, my favorite response was about what does it matter how others celebrate today. It is not hurting you so leave them be.

I decided for this post to make it very positive. I read about so many couples, and their hate for each other,and the impact it has on their ability to co-parent. Now, do not think that my ex and I are picture perfect co-parents – we’re not, yet. We are able to be civil. We co-parent. But we still have a ways to go before it is perfect.

I want to focus on the positives of my ex-husband for today. First, we made an amazing child. She is beautiful, intelligent, and has a big heart. He is able to provide for his child financially. He provides child support. He helps buy school clothes. He helps with expenses for her to do multiple sports throughout the year. He spends money on her just because. I know that sounds negative, and I used to view it as a negative. It was a slap in the face that I could not get her a toy or a little something extra because money is always so tight. But ex can afford it and then he would show off in front of me. How do I view it now? He is spending money on HIS child. Let him. I don’t mind the Disneyland co-parent. He provides a roof over her head. When she goes to him for his visitation I know that she does have a place to sleep – whether it is at his house or at girlfriend’s house. He does not do drugs. He has never walked away. Even though he was not faithful to me, he has never disappeared from her life. Now, I have had to remind him to call or to spend time with her, but he has always be around. For the most part, we can communicate.

I started out my morning by messaging my father and my ex-husband. I am looking forward to spending the day with my child since ex is currently deployed. Figured we will catch a movie, have some lunch, and try to figure out what to get ex for Father’s Day.

No response is still a response

This lesson is an important one: learning no response is still a response.

I hear about individuals either texting their ex and not hearing back, or ex texts them and they are not sure of how to respond. I’ve had the same experiences. Also, with online dating often there are no responses.

Now, in today’s society we all have our phones for a good portion of the day. Some of us may not have our phone on and looking at it the entire day, but do check time sometime during the day. I am guilty of having my phone on silent and forgetting to check it. I am also guilty of seeing a message and not responding – whether it is because I do not want to respond or I do not know how to respond.

There are three scenarios to look at for today’s post: not getting a text back from an ex; responding to an ex; and online dating.

Not getting a text back from an ex is a tough situation. I assume if you are texting ex then you have children together. Definitely text – it’s a paper trail. It is proof that you are attempting to contact and the other parent is refusing to participate. Now, my ex is attached to his phone for a major part of the day. I know I will get a response – eventually. I do text to keep him updated on our child. Remember, your ex is an adult if they want to see the children they will respond. If they do not respond then you have their decision, sadly.

How to respond to a text from your ex. I see several examples of the ex sending a message to be spiteful. For example, they were still legally married but he was already seeing someone else. He sent a happy anniversary text to her with a hug emoji. She did not know how to respond. Don’t respond. He is trying to hurt you. He is trying to make you feel like it is your fault, or there is something wrong with you. Just do not respond. However, if you are choosing not to respond to a text from your ex about the children because you hate your ex or their partner, remember to love your children more than you hate your ex. I have seen where the ex is asking for a weekend with the children and the individual refuses to answer. I get there is hate. I get there is disgust. However, your children do not hate their parent(s). Just because the parents are divorced doesn’t need the parents divorced the children. Now, I know there are parents that walked away and never looked back – that is not situation for today’s post. Another example, I seen a message where the children were sick and the other women texted the biological mom and asked if the children needed any juice or anything. The biological mom did not want to respond. Put your feelings of anger and hurt to the side and do what is best for your children. It is not easy. I hate the thought of me being replaced as mom, not has his lover or his wife. I swallow my pride and my hurt and I tell my child and my ex to have fun during their time together. There have been texts that I read and had to walk away from because I really did not know how to respond. I had to think about what I wanted to say and what I should say. But if it is about my child, I do respond. Anything else I either don’t respond – still a response – or I reply with “Okay.”

Online dating and responding. I have been on both sides of this situation. I have had people not respond to me. It is hurtful, don’t get me wrong. If it is the first message then I brush it off. They were not the one. If they send me a message and I am not interested, occasionally I will not respond. I have tried saying “I’m not interested” and depending on the person it can get mean after that. Now, if it is someone I have been chatting with for a while and I don’t respond that is harder to brush off. It depends on how long has it been since I’ve heard from them. A couple of hours isn’t bad. Maybe their phone died. Maybe they are busy with the children. A couple of days go by, I’m pretty sure I am done. Sorry – not sorry. Don’t mean to sound harsh, but from personal experience – and yes, I am guilty of not hearing from a guy for several days and they message me, and I forgive them – but they are playing the field. They are keeping me around enough from them to contact me, if needed. If you are important to the person, they will find a few seconds in the day to message you.