Online Dating Makes You Less Empathetic

Hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day. Mine was just another day. I gave my daughter a gift. I avoided social media for the most part – get so tired of seeing everyone post flowers, candy, gifts, rings. Had parent-teacher conferences, ex came, but my daughter has straight A’s. I’m so proud of her. She is absolutely amazing!

So, back to my original point – Online dating makes you less empathetic. Agree? Disagree?

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, the news had a story about how to avoid scams with online dating. This one victim gave her suitor over $50,000. She said she was a caring person. She wanted to help.

I remember when I first joined the world of online dating. I wanted to be empathetic to everyone. I gave second chances when guys stood me up on dates. I was caring.

I was stupid.

Almost four years experience with online dating I have found myself to be less empathetic towards these guys.

For example, I had on message me that he was going through “a very, very sad time” because he just lost his girlfriend of three years. Now, if a friend was going through a sad time I would ask them to talk to me – lost because of a break-up? lost due to death?

This guy? Hell no. *BLOCK* Red flags screamed at me.

First scenario, let’s say the girlfriend died. That is a common scam. Usually the wife/girlfriend dies in a car wreck. Let’s pretend she really did die and it was not a scam. Hell, I’m still working through my dad’s death (car wreck ironically enough) why would I torture myself right now to try to “fix” a guy.

Second scenario, he lost her due to a break-up. No thanks! If you are not over your ex, I am not interested!! These guys are lonely and just want a warm body to jump into bed with. They don’t care about you, just them.

See, online dating makes you less empathetic. Almost have to take a break just to avoid becoming a cold-hearted bitch…

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Pushy Guys

I don’t care if you’ve been trying online dating for one hour or one year, you are going to come across some pushy guys (and girls). I’ve had my online dating accounts for almost four years now – WOW. That’s insane to say that number out loud – and I still deal with pushy guys.

Okay. First off, know what you want. If you want casual sex, friends with benefit, a relationship – whatever – know what you want and don’t be pressured into anything other than that.

Second, protect yourself. Common sense don’t provide personal information online. Make sure you meet in public. Make sure someone knows where you are when you are meeting someone.

Third, don’t take it personally. You have to have thick skin to handle online dating. Seriously.

So, I received a message from this one guy. He had several pictures of himself, but I still had a feeling about him. We exchanged a couple of messages – I was watching for red flags of a scammer. His grammar was deceit (he used “cuz” and that drove me insane! We are not junior high students anymore.) Then the red flag – he asked for my phone number.

Now, some might think that if we were exchanging messages then exchanging phone numbers would be a good idea to continue to the conversation. NO! I haven’t handed out my number in years. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

My favorite app to use is kik. You don’t have to use your phone number or email address (Skype connected to my email information. Viber connected to my actual phone number. Google Hangouts connected to my google account.) kik is free to download. You create an ID and password. You can call, text, video chat, and exchange photos with kik. It is easy to block people. It is fairly user friendly.

Anyway, this guy asked for my phone number. I declined. He continued by saying he’s not on that site very often so texting would be easier. That’s the trap. You think you are missing this opportunity to continue to talk to someone – maybe “the one” – if you do not give them your phone number. Nah. You’re not missing out on anything. They are still going to be on that site. Once you give them your phone number they are able to access your real name and physical address. Also, if your Facebook is connected to your phone number then they can find you there.

I offered my kik. He ignored and still asked for my phone number. Bye boy.

Dating Dilemma

I was thinking about this yesterday: my dating dilemma.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner you can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the holiday – there’s all the commercials, posts on social media, the stores are proudly displayed of gifts, candy, and subtle reminders.

I’ve never liked the holiday. I get the history of the holiday – liked learning about that – but I mean today it seems like it is a game to see who’s lover displays their love the best.

When I was married, it was ironic… Ex would bitch about my weight and then buy me a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Okay, I digress.

It is hard to believe that in April will mark one year since I’ve been on a date. April will also mark one year since I’ve had sex.

Okay, Okay… I’ve gone longer than a year before. After I finished with ex, it was eighteen months before I had sex with the guy from online – those who’ve read my past posts will remember this is the guy I knew for less than two weeks and then he ghosted me. At the time, I was so angry with myself. How could I throw logic and common sense out the window?!? I went to a guy’s house that I did not know – and no one knew where I was. I had unprotected sex with him. I absolutely HATED myself for that stupid stunt!! Ironically, eighteen months later I found the serial dater – another guy I have written many posts about – and had sex with him. Even though I hate that I ignored the red flags with the serial dater, I did stay smart about the situation – someone had an idea of where I was, and we always used protection.

I’m actually tired of the dating apps. I spend more time blocking guys then I actually do chatting with anyone. There’s the one that I’ve been chatting with, but he’s gone silent too. I’m sure he will resurface. But, honestly, I don’t care either way. It’s nice to have someone to chat with about random things, but I’m definitely not going to chase him.

So, I know what you are thinking: if you’re tired of the online dating sites, then delete them. True, true. But I live in a small town. So, without the apps I really don’t see me ever going on a date again. ha-ha.

Drowning

Well, my thought today is: I’m failing at life.

Everything is crashing around me.

Work and Money. Even though I work multiple jobs – hours this time of year are short because of the holidays and winter hours. Or, I have to cut hours for one job to get hours for another job. All of which hurts my bank account. Money is crazy tight – haven’t gotten a child support check for a couple of weeks; and yes, the weekly child support isn’t much, but every little cent helps. I thought I was getting my head above water last week. I cancelled insurance to save some money, and I talked to someone about getting a tax break for my property tax – turns out I was supposed to have been getting this break for several years but my paperwork “got lost” on their end. I honestly didn’t think must about it. I thought the break was just for one year. Of course, they are not going to back pay me all that money – I wish they would. Yesterday, I opened the refrigerator and it left a little on the warm side. Things were still cold. I don’t want to – I CAN’T AFFORD TO – replace that refrigerator right now. I shouldn’t have to replace it already. I bought it about two years ago. Yes, it was a cheaper one, but it should work longer than two bloody years!! I’m counting down the months until I get my car completely paid for – that will be extra money each month when I don’t have car payments – but I still have about ten months to go.

Dating/Relationships. I’m still having mixed feelings about ex. I actually had a dream about him. In my dream, he called me to bitch at me that I left him blue-balling. (A phrase that ex used often during our marriage. I’ve always hated that phrase.) I woke up so angry. Mainly, angry at myself. Why am I still dreaming about him?!?

I suck at dating. I haven’t even had a conversation with anyone in days. In fact, we’re slowly inching closer and closer to a year mark since I’ve been on a date!!

Parenting. Now, typically I know I am a kick-ass mom. I take care of my kid. I help her with school work. I drive her to her millions of activities. Just, last night, with everything that was happening I felt like I couldn’t even do that right. I had two loads of clothes that were needing to be washed. Before I went to pick her up from practice I had the first load in the washer. The second load was lying in the floor so I could throw it in the wash when I got back. When we got home, I put the first load in the dryer and started the second load in the washer. Well, apparently, my daughter and a friend decided they wanted to wear their new cheer shirts to match at school today. That shirt accidentally got thrown into the washer, too. I guess it was sitting by all of her bags for school, which was close to the second load of clothes and I just assumed it went with the pile of clothes. I forgot to check the clothes after that. My daughter waited until the very last minute to find her clothes for school. Yep, that shirt is still chilling out in the washer. Parenting fail.

Expected Rainbows and Song Birds

Six years ago I filed for divorce. I have went back and forth wandering if I made a big mistake by filing. Wondering what is wrong with me. Wondering why ex wasn’t content being with me. After our divorce was finalized five years ago, I stayed with ex. I still believed I had made a big mistake. We didn’t live together anymore. So, if we did fight then we could be away from each other. I was dating my ex again. Our relationship was the best it’d been in years.

Four years ago, I was blindsided. I went over to ex’s house and there was another woman sitting on the couch next to him. Her kids were sitting in the floor playing with my daughter. I honestly did not know what to do or say. I left. I went to the store and tried to focus on what I needed from the store. Ex called me and asked if I was okay. I asked him if he was seeing that woman. He told me yes. How could I have missed the signs?

Worse part is, I continued to see him. My ex is like a drug. I know he is bad for me, but I was addicted. I had to go back. I could not live without him. I did not know how to live without him. I continued to sleep with him. I knew he had a girlfriend. Apparently, she would not have sex with him so that was what I was for.

In my head, I excused his behavior. We had been together since high school. Maybe if I let him see what else was out there then he would realize that he still loved me. I lower my self worth. I made myself more “available” for him. I did oral for ex all of the time – even though I hated doing oral on him.

I was happy to see that chick out of the picture. But I was more aware of signs after her. I noticed ex’s behavior for a few weeks and asked him if he was seeing someone else. He lied to my face and said no.

Now, here’s the thing about my ex, he has a specific facial expression that he makes when he lies. I have seen that expression millions of times. He thinks he is fooling me – even now he still lies to me.

He told me she was just a friend that needed help fixing her dishwasher. I should have seen everything wrong with that lie. You don’t want ex fixing anything. He gets angry and throws things and then usually breaks things even more. I continued to stay with ex. I needed him. I loved him. I needed him to love me.

I actually did not know about girlfriend until three-years-old. That means they were together for an entire year while he was still with me.

One day, my daughter started crying. I asked what was wrong. She said “dad told me not to tell you.” What?!? I find out that ex had taken my daughter to this woman’s house for sex and then told my daughter not to tell me. He lied to me. He was teaching my daughter to lie to me. I was pissed off beyond words.

When I confronted ex about, now current girlfriend, and if they were sleeping together he got the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. I do remember sleeping with him again after that, why I do not know. I needed that drug. I seriously thought I did not deserve better. I felt like I was doing the right thing for my family. I cried and hated myself every single time we had sex. I felt cheap and dirty.

I wanted to know about this woman. She had stolen my man. She was around my daughter. I wanted to know her.

Ex would not tell me much about her.

Even after I completely broke things off with ex, he would not tell me about this woman. He would not allow me to meet her. He was sneaking her over at night and then pushing her out of the house before our daughter would wake up. My daughter caught them and ex told her she was making things up.

I wanted – still want – a good co-parenting support for my daughter. I wanted ex and girlfriend and I to be civil and be able to hang out with each other for my daughter’s sake.

Honestly, I really did want to be friends. Even though I hated ex and did not trust him. I was more angry at him than at girlfriend. I mean, he was with me and telling me he loved me yet still shopping around – just like during our marriage.

I don’t know who to really be mad at in this situation. I mean, I was angry at myself for being so stupid and continuing to sleep with him and let him treat me like a crazy person. I was angry at him for not having the balls to talk to me like an adult. I was angry at him for using me. I was angry at him for not being faithful. I was angry at girlfriend for messing with another woman’s man. I was angry at both of them for trying to replace me in my daughter’s life. I was angry at both of them for not wanting to set up a successful co-parenting/support system.

I don’t know who is to blame, really. I blamed myself for a long time. Some days, I still blame myself. I blame ex. I know you cannot steal a man that does not want to be taken. I know he was always looking for someone else. I blamed girlfriend for messing around with someone else’s man. I know it was like a game for both of them. For me, it wasn’t.

I tried meeting girlfriend – the first time she would not get out of OUR bed and meet me. The next time she made out with ex in front of me. I mean, I don’t know if it was like to prove to me that she won and I lost. It was gross. I wanted to tell her that he cheated on her with me. Actually, I still want to tell her.

Back then, I really did feel like she won and I lost. Now, I look at the “prize” and think what a shitty thing to win in a horrible mind game. She can have him. I am done with that drug.

Just like with anything addictive, I think about what-if. I used to smoke cigarettes. That was a very hard habit to break. Now, the smoke makes me sick to my stomach. I used to self-injury. I do think about falling back into old habits, but I have to remember that I am a role model for my daughter. Same thing with ex. I think a part of me – deep, deep down – does still love him. I’m not sure if I actually love “him” or do I love the idea of being in a relationship and having a man in my life.

It has been one challenge after another. I have hit rock bottom during some of those challenges. I stayed angry at both of them and myself for so long. I have remained bitter. I still think ex plays mind games with me. I still think he gets off on making my life hell.

I know his opinion of girlfriend and her kids. I know he has told me she is easy and has been around. I know they have broken up multiple times and he still goes back – maybe she is his drug. I know he has told our daughter he is only with girlfriend because her kids need a dad.

Those kids have dads. They see their dads. He needs to be a dad to his own daughter.

Ex has brought girlfriend and her kids to my house. They do not get out of the car. But he would never tell me where she lived. I thought it was important that I know because my daughter was over there so much.

Before I met girlfriend I imagined what she was like. I pictured a cute blonde and very thin. Not knowing where she lived or what the house looked like, I pictured his cute, picture perfect house with a white picket fence.

Things are not how I pictured. Ex always gave me hell about my weight. Ironically, since girlfriend has been with ex she has gained a ton of weight. I have heard her speak before. Her conversation bored the living hell out of me. Honestly, all I heard was “blah blah blah.” I wonder if girlfriend and I tried conversing again if I would be less bitter this time – that last time was three years ago.

I would see ex hold her hand and kiss her. I would feel so jealous. I would hate them both. I would hear about everything they did together and with the kids. Again, I would feel angry because ex never did that with my daughter or me.

I know every relationship has a honeymoon phase.

I know things are never as they appear. I know it is easy to make the relationship look happy and both parties to hide the truth.

Ex moved in with girlfriend. I told him he had to tell me where she lived. Our paperwork states I have to have current phone number and address for ex at all times.

I finally got girlfriend’s address.

Ex is currently on orders across the country. My daughter’s belongings are at girlfriend’s house. Last night, she needed something that could not wait. I told her to call her dad to make sure girlfriend was home – since my daughter does not have a key to the house – and I would drive her over there to get her things.

My daughter led me to girlfriend’s house. I pulled up to this house. I expected this gorgeous home, white picket fence, birds singing, and a rainbow above it. Instead, I wasn’t impressed. The house was nothing special. The yard was neglected. The cars – most of them were ex’s – but the one’s that were girlfriend’s were dented. There was no white picket fence. No gorgeous rainbow plastered in the sky above the house. Honestly, if I did not know who lived there and just judging by the house and surroundings I would guess an old woman. If I was taking my daughter trick-or-treating, it would be a house that I would probably just pass by – that would be the house that would give out the popcorn ball or that gross candy in the black or orange wrapper.

I wander what happened with ex and girlfriend when he called to tell her that I was bringing my daughter over.

I did not get out of the car – there was no point. I went there to let my daughter get some things, and that’s what I did.

Hopefully another step in the right direction. Proof that I am still continuing to heal.

***

Oh, update on the 24 year-old with online dating… Yeah, he did not make the cut. I had to block him. He last longer than most. Good conversation. But he was way too needy, and clingy. Maybe that’s why he was looking for an older woman, to mother him. Ha, sorry, I’m the wrong chick for that. But, maybe looking for a younger guy would not be completely insane. I mean, age is just a number, right?

I Still Think About Him

This time last year, I reactivated my online dating accounts, again.

I was done taking a second break from online dating.

I had taken a year-long break to continue healing. It was time to try online dating again.

I had forgiven myself for sleeping with – well, let’s be honest – a stranger. I thought of it as a life lesson, and really it was what I needed to stop loving ex. What’s the saying? “The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.”

So, after a year away from online dating drama, I decided to try again.

I really did not expect too much when I reactivated my online dating accounts. But, a year ago, I got a message from a guy that was going to give me another major life lesson.

I know what red flags I ignored with this guy – trust me, I have replayed every conversation we’d ever had over and over in my head. But at the time, I over looked all of the red flags, because I really thought I was being way too jaded. Yes, I had been hurt by the guy that slept with me, asked me to be his girlfriend, and then ghosted. Why take out that anger and paranoia on the next guy?

A year ago, I received a message from “Rick.” He did not send the typical message “hey babe” or “hi sexy.” He sent a message: “Hi. How are you?”

Wow. Great grammar! It definitely caught my eye.

I over looked the fact that his profile name was a single letter, “R,” and that he only had one profile picture. He did tell me his first name, and he sent me additional pictures of himself on request.

The first weekend that we started talking was a drill weekend. He was military. He was real military – he talked just like ex. A lot of his mannerisms were so much like ex – think that was another reason I overlooked so many red flags. I might have still been in love with ex, and this guy reminded me of ex.

At first, we just chatted casually. I was looking for just someone to chat with – not to date; not to have a relationship with; just someone to chat with. I let my guard down and started opening up to this guy – again, since he reminded me so much of ex it felt right, familiar, and comfortable.

He quickly wanted to video chat. It was refreshing to have a guy that wanted to video chat and talk on the phone – not hide behind text messages. He lived in another state, but his kids and military base were in the same state as I.

We arranged to meet in person after chatting for three months. He drove 3.5 hours to come see me. I thought this is amazing! A guy willing to drive 3.5 hours – one way – to come hang out with me has to be pretty special, right?!? I mean, why would a guy waste that much time if he was just wanting sex?

The first time we met up, we only got to spend about thirty minutes together. We ended up making out – not my proudest moment, I know. But I felt comfortable with this guy. We’d been chatting – video chatting, texting, and talking on the phone – for three months. Two weeks later, we arranged to meet up again. I wanted to have sex – I hadn’t had sex in 18 months. I am the one that asked – my heart about pounded out of my chest. I was so scared, nervous, and worried that I would be turned down. He, of course, did not reject me.

We met at a hotel – I did not want anyone at my house. The sex was AMAZING! However, I ended up having a horrible anxiety attack. He did not run for the hills. He stayed. He called and made sure I made it home safely.

I felt like this guy had potential.

I still ignored the red flags, because I had convinced myself that he is making an effort. In one month, we’d met up six times. That is a lot of traveling – most of those times we didn’t even have sex. We would just hang out and talk. He was the type of guy that would hold a door open for you and then would slap your ass as you walked through the door.

I fell in love with him. I told him I loved him. I wasted seven months on him. Still ignoring the red flags.

What red flags did I ignore?

• profile had one picture (which it was a full body picture, and he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. I later found out it was a much older picture of him, too.)
• username was a single letter
• he refused to add each other on Facebook
• he would disappear for several days at a time and then reappear as if nothing had happened
• he continued to tell me that he did not have a girlfriend
• he never called me by my name
• he refused to have a relationship, or even give us any type of title – dating, bf/gf, fwb.
• he continued to repeat that he had never cheated on anyone
• he talked about other women (even after we’d just had sex, he would talk about other women!)
• He would not tell me his last name for a very long time (it was about four months of us chatting before he told me his name, which I’d already knew his last name – I’d already found him on social media. I just wanted verification from him.)

Why did I ignore all of these red flags, plus more?

• I thought he had potential.
• I was tired of online dating drama, so I was settling.
• He reminded me of ex – the man I thought was my soulmate.
• It was nice to have someone to chat with again.
• THE SEX WAS AMAZING, and he made me feel good about my performance in bed.
• He made me smile.

In May of this year, he was at AT for two weeks. We’d planned on meeting after the two weeks were up. I was going to introduce him to my daughter.

We’d planned on meeting on Sunday. On Friday, I had a feeling that something was not right. I could not ignore the feeling. This feeling was too strong. In two days, this man was going to meet the most important person in my life and I had a weird feeling about him.

I’d searched for him on social media before – his profile was extremely private. He did not have a picture of himself on his profile. He had a common name – there were SEVERAL guys with the same name. I found him after a few months of us chatting – so I knew his full name (even middle name). I did not disclose this information with him though.

This day, though, I continued to search. He had slipped up and posted something publicly. I could see it without being on his friends list. I looked at the comments and there it was – a red flag that I could not ignore:

A woman made the comment in response to a meme he’d posted. She said “lol. that’s my man! love you, babe!”

I clicked on her profile. Her profile picture was a picture of her with RICK.

It was an older picture. He had changed his hair style and facial hair. He had gained weight. But it was HIM.

I screenshot the picture. I texted him and asked him to call me when he got a chance.

A part of me still wishes I’d waited for his call. I wish I could have heard his voice and his reaction. But, I could not wait. I had to ask right then. I sent another text:

****

me: fuck it. I’m going to just ask right now. Are you seeing anyone else?

him: no, why?

me: you are dating or having a relationship with any other females?

him: no, why?

me: hmm… funny, because I found a picture of you with a woman.

him: I haven’t taken any pictures with any women. Are you even sure it is me?

me: it sure as hell looks like you.

him: it must be a very old picture, if it is even me.

****

Okay. I was getting nowhere with him. I messaged the woman.

****

me: hi. you don’t know me, but I have a very strange question: is that your boyfriend in your profile picture?

her: who are you? why do you want to know?

me: is his name Rick?

her: how long have you been sleeping together?

****

Our conversation continued for several minutes. I told her how long I’d been seeing him. She told me they had been together for three years. They were engaged. I was not the first chick he had cheated on her with. I apologized to her; I did not know he was with anyone. She said no hard feelings towards me.

I sent her screenshots of my conversation with him to prove it was Rick I was chatting with – I had his picture and his phone number. I showed her screenshots of him telling me he did not have a girlfriend and he was not seeing anyone else.

Then, I sent him screenshots of conversation between her and I. I told him “look I made a friend.”

I did not he hear from him after that.

I did continue to hear from her for the next several hours. She told me he was ignoring her; she was also trying to text and call him.

About six hours later, I receive a message from her. She said that he apologized to her for cheating. He said he wasn’t going to do it again. Said that he had told me that he did not want a relationship, or to even see me. Said he was not interested in me, but he was afraid that I would kill myself if he rejected me.

WHAT?!? THAT ASSHOLE LED ME ON AND THEN SPUN THE SITUATION AROUND TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CHARITY CASE!

Made him look like the hero – yes, he had cheated, but he was keeping some poor, depressed chick from hurting herself because she couldn’t have him. HA! What an ass…

I was so mad. I was more mad at myself than at him. I had ignored red flags. I had let myself fall in love with this guy.

I still think about him. I still think about the red flags that I did ignore – I want to learn from my mistakes.

I find myself wondering if he ever felt any remorse for what he did to me. I find myself wondering if he really did stay faithful, or if he found another victim. I blocked both of them on social media, apps, and on my phone.

I worry that one day I am going to come across his profile on the dating sites again. What would my reaction be? Would I be able to bring myself to just block him without saying anything? Would he try to contact me?

I miss the conversations and the attention from a guy, but what I really miss is the sex.

He made me more jaded. He made me have even less trust in guys. He made me hate myself again.

Reactions

I took Saturday off this past weekend. I had planned on sleeping – THE ENTIRE DAY – I need sleep! Well, ex brought my daughter home at 8:15am on Saturday. Okay, I got a few extra hours of sleep. I spent the day helping her with homework, watching her cheer, playing board games with her, and watching movies with her. It was a fun day.

Well, ex picked her up about 8:30pm Saturday night. I figured he would keep her until late on Sunday. SOOOO… new plan: work Sunday morning and then sleep all day Sunday afternoon.

Sounded like an awesome plan!

Well, Sunday morning: I go to work. Earn some money. Get home at 11am. Grab me something to eat. Crawl into bed around 11:30am. YAY, SLEEP!

12:45pm – My phone starts ringing. It is my daughter. I of course answer it – not sure why she is calling me.

her: Hi Mom, are you home?

me: Yes.

her: Okay, we’re coming over.

me: What?!? Why??

her: Dad wants to bring some stuff over.

We hang up…

&%*@!!!!! Seriously!

Ex comes over. I mean he has already brought a lot of my belongings over. WHAT MORE COULD BE IN HIS HOUSE THAT BELONGS TO ME?!?!

Okay… He brings a shelf, art supplies, and books.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! This could not wait until he brought my daughter home later in the day. He has to be this stuff to me right then?

So, I must have looked as rough as I felt. I greeted ex and my daughter outside. Both of them almost at the same time asked: Are you sick?

Nope. Just trying to sleep…

Well, ex makes a comment about there might be more of my stuff at his house. He said I could have a couple of items, but I would have to go to his house to get them. Fine, fine.

So, I drive over there. We have to walk around the entire house – he was trying to get rid of anything and everything he could. His house is a two-story house – it’s roomy. I live in a single wide trailer. I can’t fit much into my house. So, yes, I would love to hold onto all of my memories of my daughter’s old toys or clothes. It’s not possible.

He tried giving me his Christmas tree – I have a Christmas tree.

It’s like why are you getting rid of everything?

He said because there is no room at girlfriend’s house.

Then why move in there?

Because she asked me to.

Just keep our daughter in mind.

I am. She’s excited.

**I call bullshit**

Later, apparently he tells our daughter that he is not getting rid of things like the Christmas tree. Seriously?!? What game is he trying to play? I’m not stupid. Neither is my kid. We both talk to each other. We know when he is lying and trying to play us.

Apparently, he told my daughter to ask me if I would let him have her sometime during this week so they could continue to clean and pack – he took this week off for vacation. Uhh… he is a grown ass man. He can ask me himself. I’m not a bad ex wife – he is actually very lucky. I could make his life hell if I wanted to.

But, he is not worth that drama or energy.

Really, what would I achieve out of making his life hell?

Being bitter. Being a horrible role model for my daughter.

Besides, it’s not in my personality.

***

This morning, I seen a post asking if any other women had gave up on dating men and decided to start to date women.

So many of the comments were “EWW” “Hell no!”

Talk about closed-minded and hurtful reactions. I’m pretty sure the person that posted was meaning for it to be a joke – not a funny joke. Besides, can’t just switch sides because you want to.

I am attracted to women. I remember being attracted to girls before I was attracted to guys – talk about being in a state of confusion. I’m trying to raise my daughter to be open minded. I think I’m doing a good job. She’ll see a same sex couple kiss or hold hands and she’ll say “aww.”

***

Another post was about starting online dating, but having fears. She talked about being a mom and having a body to prove it. She talked about being afraid no one would like her or she would go on a date with a serial killer.

That is why I put a lot of my personal experiences up here. I want people to see: 1. they are not alone in how they feel; 2. hopefully learn from my mistakes; 3. I heal and move on.

Of course, the healing aspect is slowly happening. But let’s face it, I could – and would – heal even if my blog was private. The learning from my mistakes – I post some personal things on here – personal and sometimes embarrassing. So, hopefully others will take words of advice. For example, the red flags while online dating.

I know we all think we will not make those mistakes, but it happens. For example, I know to have safe sex. I know this! BUT… I have had unprotected sex with a stranger – someone I met online and knew for less than two weeks. DO NOT DO THAT. ha-ha.

I know what red flags to watch for when chatting, yet I ignored them and fell in love with a serial cheater.

So, my words of advice for online dating:

Make a profile. Put recent pictures of yourself. Do not post pictures of your children. List some interests you have. List what you are looking for – fwb, relationship, dating.

Do not give anyone your number. Use texting apps instead. kik is my favorite. You can text, send pictures, and video chat. It is easy to block. I realize there is a dating site for kik – this includes a lot of married individuals. I have never visited the site, but I do find the app very useful.

If you have a bad feeling about someone then block them. Trust your gut.

Watch for red flags!! Seen one woman post screenshots for advice – a guy after only one day of chatting together was calling her “babe” and was wanting to cuddle. THAT IS A RED FLAG — RUN!

Realize online dating is a brutal game. If you are chatting with someone, they are probably chatting with others. Hence, just because you are chatting or even causally dating, does not mean you are in a relationship. I’ve seen women freak out because the guy would not message them on a Friday night after they had been chatting for a week – he was probably on a date. It happens.

Another red flag, if they tell you that you are not allowed to chat with other men while you are chatting with them – RUN! I had one tell me that I was not allowed to chat with any men nor have any male friends. EXCUSE ME? Boy, please. **block**

When you get on the dating sites, there are going to be so many messages. It is natural. You can search for new users and they all smell fresh meat. Just block and keep going.

I do not care if you are depressed or the most out going, ray of sunshine on the planet do not let them see your weakness – they will take that opportunity and run with it. They will find someone who is depressed, lower self-esteem call them beautiful and take advantage of them.

If they only want pictures or talk about your body – block them.

I know, most of this as you are reading through may think: of course, I know this stuff.

It’s different living it. Especially if you’re coming out of a hard divorce/breakup. The attention from someone feels great. You let common sense slip. You let your emotions cloud your mind and your logic.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

A Must Read

Updated: September 2019

Introduction

First, let me introduce myself – again. I have been writing this blog since June 2018. I am now up to over 175 followers – I thank each of you for taking the time to read, comment, ask questions, and share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings!

My blog is full of sensitive issues. I chose not to use my real identity with this blog – for reasons I will explain later. I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve always joked that my life would make a great movie for Lifetime. But this is more of my journal. I read through old posts. I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned.

My name is “Stormie.”

I chose “Stormie” because it is nowhere close to my real name. It sounded beautiful. It was a name that I felt like I could relate to – storms are beautiful, powerful, and misunderstood.

So, again, I’m Stormie. I am divorced. I’ve been divorced for six years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of fifteen years. (I know you are trying to do the math in your head. The numbers will not make sense. I spent an additional two years with my ex even after my divorce was finalized – Why? because I was lost. I thought my divorce was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to fail at my marriage. I didn’t want to loose my best friend. I didn’t want to live and die alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home.). I have one child, a thirteen-year-old daughter. I write about her often. She is the joy of my life. Again, I try to avoid any details that would help identify anyone in my life – even my ex.

Sensitive Issues

So, as I said, I chose a new identity because of the topics in my blog. Don’t get me wrong, just because I changed my name, this is me. This is how I speak. This is my personality, my attitude, and my character all on paper. These are my actual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I don’t know if I’m “ashamed” of the events in my life. But most of them I have kept as a secret from friends and family. My own family really doesn’t know me. If they did, I don’t think they would claim me anymore. When I started writing this blog, I really did not have a great relationship with my family. Since my dad’s death I have tried harder to build a relationship with my mom.

So what are my sensitive issues?

Self-Injury

I started hurting myself when I was nine-years-old. I was very depressed and lost. I was suicidal. The first time I cut myself it was because I was too scared to slit my wrist to complete the suicide attempt.

I continued hurting myself for many years. I have many scars from my years of cutting and burning myself. I kept my scars hidden from family and friends.

Honestly, I don’t know if my family even knows. If they do, they have never said a word to me about it.

My ex, obviously knows. He didn’t understand the behavior. He called it, and me, “crazy.”

Anyone who doesn’t understand self-injuring may think it is “crazy.” Why would you want to hurt yourself? If you hurt yourself then it means you’re suicidal, right?

So, people who self-injure are not suicidal. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is a coping tactic to continue living. It is a way to stay in control of yourself, your emotions, and your body.

People self-injure to see the blood. It is powerful to see those emotions pour out of you. You feel stronger because you are controlling those emotions. You are not crying in front of anyone. You are hiding and hurting yourself on your own terms. It is a rush. Your body sends messages to your brain and you feel this rush of being alive. You know that you can continue living and facing whatever situation is challenging you.

I self-injured for eleven years.

I still think about falling back into old habits, but I don’t because I want to be a better role model for my daughter.

She asks about my scars – I am slowly working on getting them covered with tattoos (which is not an easy progress. Tattoos are expensive – and money is something I struggle with each month. Tattooing scars is a challenge – scaring occurs in the fourth or fifth layer, so the ink has to be pushed deeper than that. Not to mention, it takes a lot longer to tattoo – my scars are raised and the needle would get stuck in the scar tissue – painful.) But when my daughter asks about my scars, I just brush off her questions and redirect her focus to something else – I am not ready to disclose that part of my life with my daughter. I am not ready for that look of sadness and disappointment spread across her face. I don’t want her to think her mom is “crazy.”

Suicide

I have thought about taking my life multiple times. I have attempted a couple of times. The most recent attempt was a few years ago. I tried to over-dose. My ex was the one that stayed by me to make sure I was okay. (Yes, my ex does have some good moments in my life.)

I will add, if you know someone that might be suicidal please talk to them. Seems like people believe if you talk about it then you are pretty much talking them into it. No. They need to know someone notices they are struggling. They need to know someone cares.

Eating Disorders

When I was seven, my grandmother passed away. She was the one person in the world that I was really close to. My world crashed all around me during that time. She had cancer. So, I watched her get worse for two years before she finally passed.

I couldn’t get over her death. The rest of the family went on smiling and laughing. They could remember great stories about her and tell them and smile.

I couldn’t.

I cried.

I had no one to talk to. I feared death.

They’d told me that she’d died in her sleep. I feared sleeping. I became an insomniac. I questioned my religion: heaven and hell terrified me.

I found comfort in food. I ate my emotions. I gained weight. My mom put me on countless diets. She forced me to join sports.

I never lost the weight.

By middle school, I was fat and wore glasses. I was shy – I didn’t speak above a whisper. Obviously, I was an easy target for bullies.

I remember the first day I started starving myself. I was in seventh grade. I had got a school lunch – it was a BBQ sandwich (funny the details we remember, even after so many years, huh?). I overheard two girls laugh and say “eww, she’s going to eat that?” I felt my face turn red. I stood up and tossed the food into the trash and left the cafeteria.

It was amazing. I felt like I had control over food. I started skipping lunches. Skipping breakfasts. Skipping dinners.

By high school, I was down to 100lbs.

No one said anything.

I know people knew what I was doing. They looked the other way.

There are not many pictures of me during those years – I hid in my room – but there is one picture of me when I was fourteen. I am thin. Dark circles under my eyes. My hair looks horrible. I am smiling, but I look sick. I look sad.

I can’t look at that picture.

I did start eating again. My ex and I went to school together. He made me feel like it was okay to eat. I started gaining the weight. I started looking healthy.

Then, after we moved in together, my eating turned back into emotional eating. I gained more and more weight.

Today, I am obese.

I try to eat healthy. I try to work out and lose weight. It is a daily struggle.

I hate working out because I am so big it is hard to work out. I hate working out alone because then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it for one day… two days… a week… a month…

I hate eating because I know I am so big that I’m only going to get bigger.

I hate not eating. I hate being hungry. I hate the sound of my stomach growling. I remember growing up with hunger pains all day long, every single day.

You think once you start starving yourself then the hunger pains go away – no, you learn to live with them.

I did start purging – I cannot stay making myself sick – but, I did binged and purged for a few years.

Anxiety

Growing up, I’d always had anxiety. I would feel like I could not breath in a crowded store. I would want to run away.

It wasn’t until during my divorce did I get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder. I was given medication. I took it for a while.

I stopped taking the pills. I hated the side effects. I felt like my mind was in a fog all of the time, and I was still having anxiety attacks.

I have had major attacks – alone, and if front of others. It’s scary. It makes you feel like a freak. You want to disappear. Then after an attack, you have no energy. You want to sleep, forever.

I have gotten my anxiety under control. I am able to do grounding. The last attack was in February 2018 (I slept with someone and I had flashbacks of being with my ex. I felt like I’d been so horrible in bed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stop the attack.).

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to keep you focused. You find something you can see, feel, hear, smell. You focus on these objects. You make your brain and your senses work together to keep you in the moment. You focus on your breathing.

My worst attack was years ago. In front of my ex, I’d found out he was sleeping with someone and me at the same time. That attack was so bad, I don’t remember the conversation. I remember hearing his voice, but not the words. I remember telling myself to breath. I passed out. I completely blacked out. I woke up and he wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused.

Depression

I have depression. I finally got diagnosed with depression after my dad was killed. (I know I should have gone years ago and talked to the doctor, but I was scared. I was so scared they would take my daughter away from me. I was scared my ex would use my mental health as a weapon against me.)

During my final break-up with my ex, I was physically ill. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My body hurt. I sat in the dark for hours. I was lost. After my dad’s death, I didn’t want to slip into the same situation. So, I did go to the doctor.

I struggle daily. I am trying to get it under control. I do still take my medication.

Religion

I will not go into my beliefs. I do ask if you want to comment – great – but I don’t want you to convert me to your beliefs, and I will not convert you to mine.

Again, my beliefs are different than my family’s – another reason to use the secret identity.

This is one thing you will not read about in my posts.

Sexual Orientation

So, I consider myself bisexual. I have never been with a female, but I am attracted to them. I remember being attracted to girls before I was even attracted to guys. I felt so confused. I kept my feelings to myself. I knew the place I grew up in, that was not “appropriate.”

I did tell one girl, in high school, that I had a crush on her. She freaked and stopped hanging around me completely.

With online dating, I have chatted with females. But I continue to go back to males. Why? Actually, the women on those dating sites are worse than the men.

Again, my family does not know. They would not approve at all. So, I don’t bother telling anyone.

Abuse

I have dealt with abuse most of my life. Mainly emotional/mental abuse. Growing up and being told I was fat and that I should not attempt a certain goal because I would fail. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom – I remember her always making fun of me because of my weight. I remember her telling me I shouldn’t try something because I would not win – I would not be the best one out there. (I am trying to build a better relationship with mom since dad’s death. I know that is what he would want.)

Or, being told that if a guy is mean to you, then that means that he likes you. DON’T EVER TELL YOUR CHILD THAT.

I seriously believed it!

My first boyfriend – I was in seventh grade. He was in tenth grade – pinned me against the wall. He pinned my wrists above my head and helped himself to my body. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that was what it was like to have a boyfriend.

Every boyfriend treated me like that – except one: my first love. I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. He treated me well. He respected me when I said “no.” I did love him. Even today, I still have love for him.

I was engaged when I was sixteen (not to my ex-husband). He was abusive. He would yell at me and punch the wall. He would force me to make out when I wasn’t wanting to. One time, he kept on. I know I put myself in the situation. I started kissing him. I started making out with him. But after he pinned me against the wall, I said “no.” He did not listen and continued to pull down my pants.

I did not tell anyone – except my, at the time, best friend (who is my ex-husband). I felt like I got what I deserved. I should have known better. I should have not put myself in that situation.

I have been hit, pinned to the wall, knocked to the floor, taken advantage of, lied to, called names, been cheated on by pretty much every guy in my life.

My Ex-Husband

I’ve know my ex since middle school. We were best friends in high school and started dating the summer before our senior year. I ignored the red flags. He was a flirt with every girl in the school. They would hang on him – he loved it.

Before we were dating, after the rape, ex started writing on my jacket and my notebooks “CQ” and told other guys to call me “condom queen.”

He didn’t believe that I was a virgin (I never count that rape when talking about my number of sexual partners). Even when we became a couple, he did not believe that I was a virgin. There were so many rumors about me in school.

I’m the one that asked my ex out. I’m the one that made the first move.

Ironically, I knew he was the guy I was going to marry. But even in high school, when I pictured our life together, I could never see us growing old together. I never seen us being together past our twenties – I was thirty when my divorce was finalized.

Dating my ex was fun – we went out and played putt-putt/ go to the movies/ walk around the park and just talk… Dating was fun. Being a responsible couple living together was not fun. We moved in together when we were in our twenties. That was our first fight as a couple – we fought about money. My ex has a temper. He would throw objects, and punch walls. He made me feel unattractive. At the time, I thought the sex was great. (I know better now. The sex was horrible, but when you have nothing to compare it to… ).

The first time he threatened me with divorce, we’d been married for two years. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but he told me since he was in the military then he could get a great lawyer and get full custody.

I believed him 100%.

I stayed in fear. I stayed because who else would want me. I stayed because I had a child with him. I stayed because I would not survive on my own.

I know he was unfaithful. Do I have proof? No. The first time I felt something was going on was during his first overseas deployment. I was five months pregnant, we’d been married for six months. He claims he never slept with anyone else while we were married. But that did not stop him from trying. I did read messages to one chick from him. They were deployed together. They bought each other gifts. He bought her underwear. She turned him down – NOT BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED, but because she had a boyfriend…. Those are the messages I found and admitted to him that I seen. I filed for divorce the next day.

I also believe ex and current girlfriend were together while we were married, because of posts on social media that I have found.

He did not tell me about any of it. I don’t really know what he was waiting for. He was telling this other woman that he was going to divorce me to be with her, and telling me nothing. And I mean NOTHING. He returned from that deployment, kicked the chair I was sitting in to get my attention asked where our daughter was. That was all he said to me for four days.

I hated filing for divorce. I felt like such a failure. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my ex.

We continued to live together for seven months before I found my own house.

I don’t remember what happened to make us start sleeping together again. But the after divorce sex was so much better than the married sex. We were doing activities like a family again. I thought we were getting back together. It was like we were dating again.

Turns out, he was seeing other women. They would not have sex with him, so he was using me for the sex. He did not tell me about the other women, I was blindsided multiple times. He would sneak – current girlfriend – in his house at night and make her leave before the morning. He would take my daughter to girlfriend’s house and then tell my daughter to lie to me about where she’d been.

Ex made me believe I did not deserve to be loved or to be treated well. He told me that I would not find a guy willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex – because at the time, I seriously thought I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy for a year before having sex (ha, the second guy I had sex with I only knew for a few days before we had sex).

We still have a long way to go before we can co-parent like how I hope for my daughter.

There is still some wounds that need to heal.

One lesson that I learned was, I will never get the closure I wanted. I never know why he was unfaithful. I never will know why he used me for sex. I will never know why he chose girlfriend over me.

So, anyone that is going through a divorce or breakup, don’t expect the closure from the other person. I see so many posts about wanting to write them a letter or a text to get some answers. Burn the letter. Delete the text. You are giving them the power over you. They are keeping you from healing. They are keeping you from being happy.

I will admit, I have no respect for the girlfriend. The first time I tried to meet her, she would not get out of “our” bed. The second time, she could not keep her hands off of ex – they made out in front of me.

I am bitter – I do admit that. Ex never wanted more kids – he told me he was afraid if we had another child that it would be another a girl and he did not want to deal with drama and hormones. BUT life is cruel. Girlfriend has THREE GIRLS… Ex claims to be their “dad.” He buys them food, clothes, and gifts. He walked the one on the field for homecoming. He goes to every one of their practices and activities, yet bitches when he has to do the same for our daughter.

He brings the kids to our daughter’s birthday party and her various activities – he forces our daughter to share everything (belongings and room). It is like a slap in the face to me every single time.

He gets to have relationship. He gets to have the family.

I get to be single and probably too old to ever have any more children.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t love my ex anymore. I loved the idea of him at times. I loved the idea of our life that I had pictured. I don’t love him – and that took a long time to realize and to work through.

Divorce

I did file for divorce. But ex is the one that wanted it. He told another woman he was going to divorce me and move across the country to be with her (they’d met during a military deployment). I told him if that was what he wanted, then I would give him the divorce.

When I went to file for divorce I was clueless. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. I went to the first lawyer I found – I did not do any research. PLEASE RESEARCH YOUR LAWYER!! This POS lawyer ran off with my money. I ended up having to hire a second lawyer. The second one was a complete asshole. Hated my lawyers – but got the job done.

I was an emotional mess going into my divorce. I did not have the knowledge needed or the strength to fight for anything. My ex got the house. I get very little child support (not even half of what the state requirement would be based on his income six years ago).

My decree has nothing worth anything in it…

I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Advice:

Get first right of refusal in your decree! This means if it is one parent’s time and he/she has to work or cannot keep the kids then they have to ask the other parent first before trying to hire a babysitter or finding a family member to watch the children. My heart was broken when ex left my daughter with girlfriend, her teenagers, or her mother instead of leaving her with me when he had to go into work.

Overnight guests. Again, my decree says nothing about overnight guests. Says nothing about introducing our child to potential mates. NOTHING. So, ex introduced my daughter to these women within weeks of dating. Had them at his house and forced her to play with their children. Ironically, the one guy I brought my daughter around, ex found out and threw a fit!! He accused me of having sex in front of my child — um, no. I never had sex in my house – with either guy. And I did not have sex when my daughter was anywhere around – we went to the movies and went swimming. BUT it is okay for him to bring women over and to have sex when our daughter is at his house… irony…

College. Insurance. Car. None of this is talked about in my decree. Granted, my daughter was seven when I go divorced, but still I should have thought about the future.

Online Dating

I am shy around people. I am awkward around guys. I don’t know how to flirt or date. I don’t drink. I quit smoking back when I was twenty (I started smoking when I was thirteen). I don’t go to bars or clubs. I have a small circle of friends, but they have their on family to take care of.

So, I turned to online dating to try to find someone.

Okay, I’ve watched one too many Lifetime channel and Hallmark channel movies. I expected one of two situations: 1. to go on a date and be stuffed into a body bag or sold for sex trafficking, 2. find my soulmate and live happily ever after.

Obviously, neither has happened. ha-ha.

I was an emotional mess when I first started online dating. I was trusting. I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted sex.

It’d been eighteen months since I’d had sex, I wanted friends with benefits.

Can you believe I could not find a single guy interested in having sex with me? crazy huh?

Things happen for a reason.

I got catfished. I got my heartbroken. I got ghosted.

I have been trying online dating for four years – with a few breaks here and there. I had life lessons:

One, ghosting is not your fault.

Ghost and Zombies

A person will ghost because they found someone else. Consider it as dodging the bullet – just thank them in your head and move on!!

Avoid zombies. Zombie reenter your life to keep you on the back burner. They want to make sure you are available when THEY are ready. They always want a “plan b.”

Just block ghosts and zombies, you will save yourself a lot of issues right there.

Scammers

Avoid scammers. If their English is not correct – block. It is a scam to get money. Always do your research. Check pictures.

Military Scams

If they are “military” and “currently deployed” and they need money, gift cards, or something in order to contact their family, lawyer, whatever… RUN. BLOCK ASAP.

How will you know if it is a military scam?

They have one picture – typically. Usually in their BDUs’ (battle dress uniform) – yes, learn the lingo. KNOW YOUR TERMS. EDUCATE YOURSELF!! Pay attention to hair cut/style and facial hair. Know what are the regulations for hair in the military. Know if they are active duty then they will have to keep these regulations. Know what information is available. If they tell you that is classified information, they’re lying. If they sound like they are reading from a government/military website to describe their job or rank – they are scamming you.

Military guys talk like eye charts at the doctor’s office… BDU’s, AT Dates, BX, etc.

Military guys also don’t brag about being in the military. They want to talk about other things. Also, if they ask for money because they do not have access to their bank accounts – RUN. Even during deployments they have access to bank accounts, phones, internet, stores, food. Like I said, educate yourself.

I am a military scammers worse nightmare (my ex is military. I dated another branch member and I have a good friend that is in a third branch). They usually block me fairly quickly.

But let’s pretend you believe them.

Red Flags While Online Dating

What other red flags should you look for? They will ask: have you ever been with a military man? Are you currently talking to any other military men? (They don’t want to butt into another’s scam). Oh, my favorite line is: I’m currently deployed, will you wait for me?

Boy, please! I don’t even like waiting for the timer on my microwave to get to zero, why the hell would I wait for you…

Beware of cheaters…. This was a though lesson for me. I fell in love with a serial cheater. I spent seven months with him. My gut told me there was something wrong. I finally figured out what it was… he was engaged. Apparently they had been together for over three-years. I wasn’t the first chick he’d cheated with, but his future-wife continued to forgive him over and over.

There are so many married men on those sites. Know what to look for.

No picture.

No picture means move on!! They are hiding their identify for a reason. One picture is also a red flag. If they tell you that they don’t have a picture because they had to deal with a stalker, call bullshit and move on. These are the guys that haven’t had a date. They are making it seem like there are so many women wanting them. Boy, seriously? Do I look like I was born yesterday?!?

Avoid out of state guys, too. There is a reason they are looking out of state. Yes, another lesson I learned the hard way – the serial cheater was out of state. That way the women in his life did not run into each other.

Ask for current picture once you start chatting. They may have a picture online, but it was from ten years ago – I had that happen to me, too. Got to the date, he looked NOTHING like his picture.

Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, then block them. You don’t have to justify your reasons. You don’t have to explain yourself. EVER.

Know what you want: Do you want fwb, causal dating, relationship. Ask them what they want. If you don’t want the same things, move on.

Watch out for “separated” guys too. They are separated, but still legally married. That is a big no from me. I don’t touch nor talk to married guys. They lie. They say their wife knows they are on those sites. They play the victim – my wife doesn’t love me/ I’m in a sexless marriage. Again, move on! And watch for red flags – the serial cheater told me over and over that he did not have a girlfriend (at the time I thought it was directed towards me not being his girlfriend. I realize now that it was because he was engaged so he was keeping his lies straight.) He also lied and said he had never cheated.

Online dating is brutal. It is a game. Learn to play the game.

Unwanted Pictures While Online Dating

Be prepared for dick pix. Sorry.

It is going to happen.

You are going to see some nasty stuff while online dating. Prepare yourself.

My first dick pix, I DROPPED MY PHONE. In the effort to catch my phone before it hit the floor I pushed “call contact.” I CALLED HIM.

Let me tell you, he thought I was so excited about that picture that I could not wait to meet up with him… gross.

I was not prepared. I was sweet and innocent. The only one I’d really ever seen had been my ex’s. It was a shock getting a random man send me a picture.

Just don’t open pictures if you are not prepared. Give a fair warning. After that, they are fair game. I’ve seen women send the picture to the guy’s mom or girlfriend/wife. I’ve seen those pictures posted online and mocked by hundreds and thousands of other women. I’ve seen some women save them and send them to other men – that makes the guy leave pretty quick. An insult usually shuts them up. Report them and block them is the best route.

Same goes for you – if you would not share with others, then don’t send it. Don’t send pictures or texts/sexting unless you are completely prepared.

Play the Game. Know the Game.

Be prepared for players.

I know how to play the game. I play it very, very well.

Avoid the guys that say: baby, beautiful, sexy, angel.

I don’t know you. You are not allowed to give me some pet name. Gross. Because you know he is saying that to all the other women.

They use pet names, so they don’t have to remember real names.

Educate yourself of common phrases – they get them from websites and just copy and paste them.

Oh, and if they only focus on looks – you ask what kind of woman they are looking for they automatically say “you” or blonde, big tits, blah, blah, blah… They are wanting a one-night stand.

If they say they love you, they have been waiting to me you, you are so amazing and a wonderful person – RUN.

Sex and Online Dating

Another hard lesson for me, was being ghosted after sex. I felt like a slut. I was so ashamed of myself! How could I wait that long and fall into that trap. Twice actually…

The first guy did sleep with me twice and then ghost. The second guy was engaged. I ended up contacted his chick and sending texts from him as proof.

Hey, we’re human.

People make mistakes.

Consider it as a life lesson – learn from it and move on.

Practice safe sex. You don’t know who else they are doing. You don’t want to have pregnancy be a result of one night of fun. If they say they don’t have one – find one. Bring one with you! Hell, I have a box of condoms at my house. I would bring one with me, just in case. I’m an adult. If I want to have sex, then I want to be safe.

There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself. Just make sure that is what you want, and be safe.

Always bring money with you on a date. This is to get yourself a ride if you need to.

Meeting People from Online Dating Sites

So, let’s talk about meeting people online.

What a scary thought, huh? I know.

Get their phone number. Screenshot their profile picture. Tell someone where you are going to be at, who you are meeting – time, place.

I have actually sent a picture of the guy and information about his truck – including the tag information – to someone before.

I have met a guy at his house before – don’t do that. Please. It was not a great situation. It was a dangerous situation, but I learned from it.

Meet in a public place every. single. time.

Have a friend text you randomly to make sure are okay.

If you have a bad feeling during a date – it is okay to leave. I was on one date, he joked about how rape would be fun. I’m not going to lie – I was worried. I was looking for my nearest exit and a possible weapon, if needed.

I don’t recommend first dates to be at a restaurant or at the movies. If you are eating, then you are committed to stay for the entire meal. I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Don’t want them to ditch you after the meal and leave you with the bill.

Arrive before them, and leave after them. Don’t let them see your car. Don’t let them know which direction you are going to be driving from/to. Don’t ride with them – even if you know them. I went on a date with an old high school friend. Got in his car – horrible decision. Don’t do it.

If you have kids – protect your kids. Don’t post pictures of them on those dating sites. I will not chat with a man that has pictures of kids on his profile. Why? Because most of the time those are not even his kids. And, I want a man who is as protective of his kids as I am of mine.

I don’t answer questions about my kid either – until I get to know the person.

My Dad’s Death

November 30, 2018 my dad was heading to work. He was hit head on by another car. My dad was killed on impact. The other driver walked away from the scene with minor injuries. That guy was on four different types of drugs – including meth – at the time of the wreck. He was driving over 100mph.

I write about my dad’s death often. I know people are uncomfortable with death. But I struggle with this. I need an outlet.

I was a daddy’s girl.

I never got to tell my dad “goodbye.” It kills me daily.

Since my dad’s death, the guy that killed him has been in and out of jail numerous times. We are still waiting on the court date to hold him accountable for killing dad.

**Edit**

So, I have read through this post again – hopefully all the grammatical errors are fixed. I added some more information. I tried to keep it kind of organized – in my mind I have these millions of thoughts, and experiences spinning around.

Questions/After Thoughts

So, this was an insanely long post – I know. Thank you for reading it though.

If you have questions or comments leave a comment and I can add it into the post.

Who was better?

I seen a post today asking: Who is better in bed, ex or current lover?

I skimmed through the comments – of course, pretty much every comment said current lover was better.

My ex was my first – and for the longest time, up until two years ago – he was my only. I had nothing to compare to. What I knew about sex was what I had learned from either ex, TV, or high school guys.

At the time, I thought the sex was great – most days. I’m the type I would have sex daily. But I think I was blinded by love. I think I was so determined to keep my marriage together that I lied to myself about how “good” the sex actually was.

I look back now, and realize that it really wasn’t that great… I did not finish most of the time. I did not voice what I liked or didn’t like. When I did speak up it was dismissed or completely ignored. I hated giving my ex oral because he made me feel cheap and dirty doing it. But I forced myself to do it because I feared if I didn’t then he would find someone that would.

I did not really know what I liked – I had an idea of what I wanted to try to see if I would like or not. I did not have a chance to figure out completely – and most things, I still have not be given the chance. I am definitely more adventurous in bed than ex (actually that all three guys). But I was so scared of being judged for my likes that I kept quiet with each one (now, the serial cheater I was more vocal because I felt more comfortable, I suppose).

Even things like kissing, oral, foreplay, I find were lacking with ex.

The second guy I was with, eh, the sex was worse than ex. His foreplay was horrible. Kissing was only fun because he had a tongue ring. He liked it rough – I ended up having bruises and bite marks for almost a week. The roughness really didn’t bother me – the bruises as a result were not cool though.

The serial cheater – obviously – he was pretty good (I’m sure being a serial cheater, he’d had plenty of experience). BUT he vocalized and complimented. I felt like I was doing great. He told me I was a “rock star” with oral. (I’d never been told anything like that before). He made other comments – along the lines of me being “a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.” So far, he has been the “best.”

I find myself wondering if he was really that “good” or if 1. he was best by comparison or 2. he made me feel like I was amazing so I enjoyed it that much more. Maybe he was just saying that because that’s what I needed to hear. Honestly, I don’t care. I loved hearing it and I loved being with him.

Then I start wondering… What if ex – who I was madly in love with, once upon a time – had made me feel like I was a rock star in bed, if I would be answering that he was the best.

Or, what if the next guy – let’s pretend I fall in love and we have a relationship – what if I don’t see him as the “best,” what effect will that have on a relationship… Thinking that he is not the best… That would probably effect him and me. Or, would love once again be blinding? Will current lover always be the “best?”

I know, I know… there is more to a relationship than just sex. But come on, sex is part of a relationship too.

Back to Looking

One lesson that I really had to learn with online dating was “letting go.” Understanding that I will NEVER get closure from guys that ghost. I will never get closure from the two guys I have had sex with since my divorce and they disappeared. I will never get an apology from the serial cheater for making me look like a fool. Same with my ex – I will never get the closure I want.

I remember when I first started online dating, the waiting for them to return a message was torture! I didn’t understand.

COME ON, ARE YOU INTERESTED OR NOT?!?

I would send another message…. then another… and another.

I wanted to be wanted. I wanted the attention. I wanted to see that there was nothing wrong with me, and that guys were attracted to me. Ex had told me that guys would not be interested in me. Guys would not want to get to know me, have sex with me, or be in a relationship with me – I wanted to prove him wrong.

When not replying to messages, I get sometimes you are busy, have a life, taking care of kids, and not attached to your phone 24/7. But then again, it takes seconds to return a text/message.

I haven’t really been interested in anyone since the serial cheater. So, the messaging back and forth has been limited. I don’t care if they don’t message me back. Most of the time I’m the one that doesn’t message back – if I even reply in the first place.

Had one message me yesterday – he was about eight years older than I am. He was very talkative. I think if I had asked, he would have told me his ENTIRE life story. But, he made me uncomfortable. He asked questions about my daughter, too. No. Sorry, I don’t know you. I do not answer questions about her. **block**

The younger guy, I got one message from him early yesterday. I responded. Didn’t hear anything else.

So, back to: Do I message him again today? Do I wait and see if he messages me? Do I block and delete? Do I not block and just continue my search?

A part of me wants to message him (and I probably will. Just to see if he is interested. Then if no response I will block and delete). Another part knows I’m just wanting to see if fwb would be a possibility – then I feel dirty for thinking that fwb would even be a possibility with ANYONE. I mean after everything I have been through with guys, do I really want a guy to have my permission to use me for sex? Do I want to set myself up for getting hurt? Do I want to place myself in a situation where the possibility of something very dangerous happening?

See, I’m back to that jaded attitude.

I’m sure it is mutual. I’m sure the feeling of being used and feeling dirty is not a part of fwb. (That’s why yesterday I made the comment in my post that I don’t know the details with fwb) I want someone with experience to ask questions to so I can get a better idea.

But I also don’t want to advertise on my dating profiles that I am looking for fwb. **Can only imagine the creeps I would get messaging me then** I want to find someone that maybe it could lead to a relationship.

I don’t want to catch feelings and be hurt… again.

Ideally, I would want a trusted friend for fwb.

I have one friend – he is crazy attractive! Jeez. He has asked about friends with benefits. BUT he lives five hours away. Sorry. Not happening. I’m not driving to another state for sex. But, in reality, if this guy lived closer I would definitely try fwb with him. I know he would be a safe choice – I don’t see him ever hitting me or trying something without my permission. We’ve known each other since high school – I was one of his first friends when he moved there. He has seen my anxiety. He has talked to me on the phone during my depression. I have talked to him about his PTSD and gave him someone to talk to and cry to about his military memories.

Besides that guy, I really don’t know – or have – any male friends – that are not married/in a relationship.

So, I guess finding a trusted friend is out of the question.

Back to online dating? Again, do I message the young guy? Do I continue looking online? I feel like I have seen all these guy’s pictures hundreds of times (Most of them don’t even change their pictures or update their profiles. I’ve been doing online dating off and on for a couple of years. So I feel like it is just a constant loop of losers)

Think I’m leaning towards fwb because I’m not having any luck finding a relationship – I CAN’T EVEN FIND A DATE… I think I’m feeling extra pressure too. Found out in two weeks ex and my daughter are moving into girlfriend’s house permanently. I’m scared, hurt, nervous, bitter…

Makes me really start to think there is something wrong with me. Guys online don’t find me interesting. Ex gets to have a family – which he never wanted more children – the family I wanted.

Also, I had found a support group online. I found this group about a year or so ago. It has been wonder to have other divorced women to chat with and ask questions to. It was comforting to find others who were going to similar situations, thoughts, feelings as myself. Well, I guess I am losing that support group now… Going to have to start paying a monthly fee to be a member.