Time and Healing

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Everyone hears the saying: Time heals everything.

I know when I first got divorced, or right after dad’s death everyone told me “to give it time. You will heal over time.”

In the moment, you want to scream and cry. You want to call bullshit.

When I got divorced, I believed my world had completely crashed around me. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I had regrets about divorcing my ex for YEARS!!

I fell into a deep depression. I was physically ill for a few months. I did not function. I finally hit rock bottom and downed all the pills I could find in my house.

I knew I needed help, but ironically there was no one there to help me. I was so scared to go to the doctor. My biggest fear was they would take away my daughter.

I want to say the saying is true. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago if I should have divorced my ex I would have said I’m not sure. Today, I know I made the right choice. I know a part of me still cares about him – not sure if it is because he is the father of my child; he was my first; I’d been with him for 15 years. Another part of me is so happy when I do not have to deal with him.

I know over time it will get easier. I’m hoping the same is true with my dad’s death.

The guy that killed my dad has a court date coming up soon. They are going to see if there is enough evidence to take him to trial for killing dad. Another fear of mine – dad and the entire family will not get justice.

I know there is no set time frame.

Just like with online dating, the first few times I got stood up or ghosted I was so hurt. Now, you ghost me and I block you. No second chances.

Time also makes you wiser. I have learned many life lessons throughout my life, especially over the past six years.

One lesson I learned from was about my depression. I did not want the same thing to happen again, so I talked to my doctor this time.

“Hate” Post Cont.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I wanted to continue writing on my post earlier, but I wanted to include a warning. So, I decided making a new post completely would be the best way to go about it. I know some of my thoughts could be triggering. So, no hard feelings if you cannot read this post.

Still thinking about being so stupid and sending that text to ex. I know I can’t change the past. Then feeling like everything I do is never “enough.”

Having rough thoughts last night and today. I want to shut down. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to hide from the world. I want to cry. Honestly, I want to cut. I want to feel control of my emotions and of my pain. I want to see that bright red blood and know that I am alive. I want to know that I’m not just some empty shell of myself just going through the motions of life.

I look at my scars. I want to slice them open. I want to feel that physical rush instead of battling all of this emotional pain.

I can’t cut. I can’t burn. I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to slowly get my scars covered with tattoos. I am not going to destroy my tattoos. I don’t want to let my daughter see struggling. I don’t want her to look at me with disappointment.

I quit smoking fifteen years ago. I can’t pick that habit back up.

So, I turn to food. A horrible coping technique. Instead of starving myself, I binge. I do emotional eating. I eat until I forget my emotions. I hate being hungry. I starved myself growing up. The hunger pains never stop, you just learn to live with them. I hate reliving those memories.

I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. But in order to do that, I have to control my eating. I have to stop being an emotional eater.

So, that means I need to think of another way to deal with my emotions.

Right now, I am seriously trying. This blog is one way – a healthy way – to express what I am feeling without being judged and badmouthed. I am using music right now too.

Currently, two songs are on repeat. Wolf in Sheep’s clothing – Set It Off. The Haunting – Set It Off.

One thing, a healthy option, that has really helped is my dog. I know my parents got the dog for my daughter, but he is my buddy. He is my shadow when my daughter is not home. He makes me have to function when I just want to disappear. I have to get up and go outside to take him out or take him for a walk.

When I think if I just kill myself and no one would miss me, I know if no one else misses me my dog and daughter will both be effected.

A Must Read

Updated: September 2019

Introduction

First, let me introduce myself – again. I have been writing this blog since June 2018. I am now up to over 175 followers – I thank each of you for taking the time to read, comment, ask questions, and share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings!

My blog is full of sensitive issues. I chose not to use my real identity with this blog – for reasons I will explain later. I started this blog to give myself an outlet for all of my thoughts and emotions. I’ve always joked that my life would make a great movie for Lifetime. But this is more of my journal. I read through old posts. I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned.

My name is “Stormie.”

I chose “Stormie” because it is nowhere close to my real name. It sounded beautiful. It was a name that I felt like I could relate to – storms are beautiful, powerful, and misunderstood.

So, again, I’m Stormie. I am divorced. I’ve been divorced for six years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of fifteen years. (I know you are trying to do the math in your head. The numbers will not make sense. I spent an additional two years with my ex even after my divorce was finalized – Why? because I was lost. I thought my divorce was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to fail at my marriage. I didn’t want to loose my best friend. I didn’t want to live and die alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home.). I have one child, a thirteen-year-old daughter. I write about her often. She is the joy of my life. Again, I try to avoid any details that would help identify anyone in my life – even my ex.

Sensitive Issues

So, as I said, I chose a new identity because of the topics in my blog. Don’t get me wrong, just because I changed my name, this is me. This is how I speak. This is my personality, my attitude, and my character all on paper. These are my actual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

I don’t know if I’m “ashamed” of the events in my life. But most of them I have kept as a secret from friends and family. My own family really doesn’t know me. If they did, I don’t think they would claim me anymore. When I started writing this blog, I really did not have a great relationship with my family. Since my dad’s death I have tried harder to build a relationship with my mom.

So what are my sensitive issues?

Self-Injury

I started hurting myself when I was nine-years-old. I was very depressed and lost. I was suicidal. The first time I cut myself it was because I was too scared to slit my wrist to complete the suicide attempt.

I continued hurting myself for many years. I have many scars from my years of cutting and burning myself. I kept my scars hidden from family and friends.

Honestly, I don’t know if my family even knows. If they do, they have never said a word to me about it.

My ex, obviously knows. He didn’t understand the behavior. He called it, and me, “crazy.”

Anyone who doesn’t understand self-injuring may think it is “crazy.” Why would you want to hurt yourself? If you hurt yourself then it means you’re suicidal, right?

So, people who self-injure are not suicidal. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is a coping tactic to continue living. It is a way to stay in control of yourself, your emotions, and your body.

People self-injure to see the blood. It is powerful to see those emotions pour out of you. You feel stronger because you are controlling those emotions. You are not crying in front of anyone. You are hiding and hurting yourself on your own terms. It is a rush. Your body sends messages to your brain and you feel this rush of being alive. You know that you can continue living and facing whatever situation is challenging you.

I self-injured for eleven years.

I still think about falling back into old habits, but I don’t because I want to be a better role model for my daughter.

She asks about my scars – I am slowly working on getting them covered with tattoos (which is not an easy progress. Tattoos are expensive – and money is something I struggle with each month. Tattooing scars is a challenge – scaring occurs in the fourth or fifth layer, so the ink has to be pushed deeper than that. Not to mention, it takes a lot longer to tattoo – my scars are raised and the needle would get stuck in the scar tissue – painful.) But when my daughter asks about my scars, I just brush off her questions and redirect her focus to something else – I am not ready to disclose that part of my life with my daughter. I am not ready for that look of sadness and disappointment spread across her face. I don’t want her to think her mom is “crazy.”

Suicide

I have thought about taking my life multiple times. I have attempted a couple of times. The most recent attempt was a few years ago. I tried to over-dose. My ex was the one that stayed by me to make sure I was okay. (Yes, my ex does have some good moments in my life.)

I will add, if you know someone that might be suicidal please talk to them. Seems like people believe if you talk about it then you are pretty much talking them into it. No. They need to know someone notices they are struggling. They need to know someone cares.

Eating Disorders

When I was seven, my grandmother passed away. She was the one person in the world that I was really close to. My world crashed all around me during that time. She had cancer. So, I watched her get worse for two years before she finally passed.

I couldn’t get over her death. The rest of the family went on smiling and laughing. They could remember great stories about her and tell them and smile.

I couldn’t.

I cried.

I had no one to talk to. I feared death.

They’d told me that she’d died in her sleep. I feared sleeping. I became an insomniac. I questioned my religion: heaven and hell terrified me.

I found comfort in food. I ate my emotions. I gained weight. My mom put me on countless diets. She forced me to join sports.

I never lost the weight.

By middle school, I was fat and wore glasses. I was shy – I didn’t speak above a whisper. Obviously, I was an easy target for bullies.

I remember the first day I started starving myself. I was in seventh grade. I had got a school lunch – it was a BBQ sandwich (funny the details we remember, even after so many years, huh?). I overheard two girls laugh and say “eww, she’s going to eat that?” I felt my face turn red. I stood up and tossed the food into the trash and left the cafeteria.

It was amazing. I felt like I had control over food. I started skipping lunches. Skipping breakfasts. Skipping dinners.

By high school, I was down to 100lbs.

No one said anything.

I know people knew what I was doing. They looked the other way.

There are not many pictures of me during those years – I hid in my room – but there is one picture of me when I was fourteen. I am thin. Dark circles under my eyes. My hair looks horrible. I am smiling, but I look sick. I look sad.

I can’t look at that picture.

I did start eating again. My ex and I went to school together. He made me feel like it was okay to eat. I started gaining the weight. I started looking healthy.

Then, after we moved in together, my eating turned back into emotional eating. I gained more and more weight.

Today, I am obese.

I try to eat healthy. I try to work out and lose weight. It is a daily struggle.

I hate working out because I am so big it is hard to work out. I hate working out alone because then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it for one day… two days… a week… a month…

I hate eating because I know I am so big that I’m only going to get bigger.

I hate not eating. I hate being hungry. I hate the sound of my stomach growling. I remember growing up with hunger pains all day long, every single day.

You think once you start starving yourself then the hunger pains go away – no, you learn to live with them.

I did start purging – I cannot stay making myself sick – but, I did binged and purged for a few years.

Anxiety

Growing up, I’d always had anxiety. I would feel like I could not breath in a crowded store. I would want to run away.

It wasn’t until during my divorce did I get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Stress Disorder. I was given medication. I took it for a while.

I stopped taking the pills. I hated the side effects. I felt like my mind was in a fog all of the time, and I was still having anxiety attacks.

I have had major attacks – alone, and if front of others. It’s scary. It makes you feel like a freak. You want to disappear. Then after an attack, you have no energy. You want to sleep, forever.

I have gotten my anxiety under control. I am able to do grounding. The last attack was in February 2018 (I slept with someone and I had flashbacks of being with my ex. I felt like I’d been so horrible in bed. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t stop the attack.).

What is grounding?

Grounding is a way to keep you focused. You find something you can see, feel, hear, smell. You focus on these objects. You make your brain and your senses work together to keep you in the moment. You focus on your breathing.

My worst attack was years ago. In front of my ex, I’d found out he was sleeping with someone and me at the same time. That attack was so bad, I don’t remember the conversation. I remember hearing his voice, but not the words. I remember telling myself to breath. I passed out. I completely blacked out. I woke up and he wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused.

Depression

I have depression. I finally got diagnosed with depression after my dad was killed. (I know I should have gone years ago and talked to the doctor, but I was scared. I was so scared they would take my daughter away from me. I was scared my ex would use my mental health as a weapon against me.)

During my final break-up with my ex, I was physically ill. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My body hurt. I sat in the dark for hours. I was lost. After my dad’s death, I didn’t want to slip into the same situation. So, I did go to the doctor.

I struggle daily. I am trying to get it under control. I do still take my medication.

Religion

I will not go into my beliefs. I do ask if you want to comment – great – but I don’t want you to convert me to your beliefs, and I will not convert you to mine.

Again, my beliefs are different than my family’s – another reason to use the secret identity.

This is one thing you will not read about in my posts.

Sexual Orientation

So, I consider myself bisexual. I have never been with a female, but I am attracted to them. I remember being attracted to girls before I was even attracted to guys. I felt so confused. I kept my feelings to myself. I knew the place I grew up in, that was not “appropriate.”

I did tell one girl, in high school, that I had a crush on her. She freaked and stopped hanging around me completely.

With online dating, I have chatted with females. But I continue to go back to males. Why? Actually, the women on those dating sites are worse than the men.

Again, my family does not know. They would not approve at all. So, I don’t bother telling anyone.

Abuse

I have dealt with abuse most of my life. Mainly emotional/mental abuse. Growing up and being told I was fat and that I should not attempt a certain goal because I would fail. I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom – I remember her always making fun of me because of my weight. I remember her telling me I shouldn’t try something because I would not win – I would not be the best one out there. (I am trying to build a better relationship with mom since dad’s death. I know that is what he would want.)

Or, being told that if a guy is mean to you, then that means that he likes you. DON’T EVER TELL YOUR CHILD THAT.

I seriously believed it!

My first boyfriend – I was in seventh grade. He was in tenth grade – pinned me against the wall. He pinned my wrists above my head and helped himself to my body. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that was what it was like to have a boyfriend.

Every boyfriend treated me like that – except one: my first love. I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. He treated me well. He respected me when I said “no.” I did love him. Even today, I still have love for him.

I was engaged when I was sixteen (not to my ex-husband). He was abusive. He would yell at me and punch the wall. He would force me to make out when I wasn’t wanting to. One time, he kept on. I know I put myself in the situation. I started kissing him. I started making out with him. But after he pinned me against the wall, I said “no.” He did not listen and continued to pull down my pants.

I did not tell anyone – except my, at the time, best friend (who is my ex-husband). I felt like I got what I deserved. I should have known better. I should have not put myself in that situation.

I have been hit, pinned to the wall, knocked to the floor, taken advantage of, lied to, called names, been cheated on by pretty much every guy in my life.

My Ex-Husband

I’ve know my ex since middle school. We were best friends in high school and started dating the summer before our senior year. I ignored the red flags. He was a flirt with every girl in the school. They would hang on him – he loved it.

Before we were dating, after the rape, ex started writing on my jacket and my notebooks “CQ” and told other guys to call me “condom queen.”

He didn’t believe that I was a virgin (I never count that rape when talking about my number of sexual partners). Even when we became a couple, he did not believe that I was a virgin. There were so many rumors about me in school.

I’m the one that asked my ex out. I’m the one that made the first move.

Ironically, I knew he was the guy I was going to marry. But even in high school, when I pictured our life together, I could never see us growing old together. I never seen us being together past our twenties – I was thirty when my divorce was finalized.

Dating my ex was fun – we went out and played putt-putt/ go to the movies/ walk around the park and just talk… Dating was fun. Being a responsible couple living together was not fun. We moved in together when we were in our twenties. That was our first fight as a couple – we fought about money. My ex has a temper. He would throw objects, and punch walls. He made me feel unattractive. At the time, I thought the sex was great. (I know better now. The sex was horrible, but when you have nothing to compare it to… ).

The first time he threatened me with divorce, we’d been married for two years. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but he told me since he was in the military then he could get a great lawyer and get full custody.

I believed him 100%.

I stayed in fear. I stayed because who else would want me. I stayed because I had a child with him. I stayed because I would not survive on my own.

I know he was unfaithful. Do I have proof? No. The first time I felt something was going on was during his first overseas deployment. I was five months pregnant, we’d been married for six months. He claims he never slept with anyone else while we were married. But that did not stop him from trying. I did read messages to one chick from him. They were deployed together. They bought each other gifts. He bought her underwear. She turned him down – NOT BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED, but because she had a boyfriend…. Those are the messages I found and admitted to him that I seen. I filed for divorce the next day.

I also believe ex and current girlfriend were together while we were married, because of posts on social media that I have found.

He did not tell me about any of it. I don’t really know what he was waiting for. He was telling this other woman that he was going to divorce me to be with her, and telling me nothing. And I mean NOTHING. He returned from that deployment, kicked the chair I was sitting in to get my attention asked where our daughter was. That was all he said to me for four days.

I hated filing for divorce. I felt like such a failure. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my ex.

We continued to live together for seven months before I found my own house.

I don’t remember what happened to make us start sleeping together again. But the after divorce sex was so much better than the married sex. We were doing activities like a family again. I thought we were getting back together. It was like we were dating again.

Turns out, he was seeing other women. They would not have sex with him, so he was using me for the sex. He did not tell me about the other women, I was blindsided multiple times. He would sneak – current girlfriend – in his house at night and make her leave before the morning. He would take my daughter to girlfriend’s house and then tell my daughter to lie to me about where she’d been.

Ex made me believe I did not deserve to be loved or to be treated well. He told me that I would not find a guy willing to wait for me to be ready to have sex – because at the time, I seriously thought I wanted to be in a relationship with a guy for a year before having sex (ha, the second guy I had sex with I only knew for a few days before we had sex).

We still have a long way to go before we can co-parent like how I hope for my daughter.

There is still some wounds that need to heal.

One lesson that I learned was, I will never get the closure I wanted. I never know why he was unfaithful. I never will know why he used me for sex. I will never know why he chose girlfriend over me.

So, anyone that is going through a divorce or breakup, don’t expect the closure from the other person. I see so many posts about wanting to write them a letter or a text to get some answers. Burn the letter. Delete the text. You are giving them the power over you. They are keeping you from healing. They are keeping you from being happy.

I will admit, I have no respect for the girlfriend. The first time I tried to meet her, she would not get out of “our” bed. The second time, she could not keep her hands off of ex – they made out in front of me.

I am bitter – I do admit that. Ex never wanted more kids – he told me he was afraid if we had another child that it would be another a girl and he did not want to deal with drama and hormones. BUT life is cruel. Girlfriend has THREE GIRLS… Ex claims to be their “dad.” He buys them food, clothes, and gifts. He walked the one on the field for homecoming. He goes to every one of their practices and activities, yet bitches when he has to do the same for our daughter.

He brings the kids to our daughter’s birthday party and her various activities – he forces our daughter to share everything (belongings and room). It is like a slap in the face to me every single time.

He gets to have relationship. He gets to have the family.

I get to be single and probably too old to ever have any more children.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t love my ex anymore. I loved the idea of him at times. I loved the idea of our life that I had pictured. I don’t love him – and that took a long time to realize and to work through.

Divorce

I did file for divorce. But ex is the one that wanted it. He told another woman he was going to divorce me and move across the country to be with her (they’d met during a military deployment). I told him if that was what he wanted, then I would give him the divorce.

When I went to file for divorce I was clueless. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. I went to the first lawyer I found – I did not do any research. PLEASE RESEARCH YOUR LAWYER!! This POS lawyer ran off with my money. I ended up having to hire a second lawyer. The second one was a complete asshole. Hated my lawyers – but got the job done.

I was an emotional mess going into my divorce. I did not have the knowledge needed or the strength to fight for anything. My ex got the house. I get very little child support (not even half of what the state requirement would be based on his income six years ago).

My decree has nothing worth anything in it…

I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Advice:

Get first right of refusal in your decree! This means if it is one parent’s time and he/she has to work or cannot keep the kids then they have to ask the other parent first before trying to hire a babysitter or finding a family member to watch the children. My heart was broken when ex left my daughter with girlfriend, her teenagers, or her mother instead of leaving her with me when he had to go into work.

Overnight guests. Again, my decree says nothing about overnight guests. Says nothing about introducing our child to potential mates. NOTHING. So, ex introduced my daughter to these women within weeks of dating. Had them at his house and forced her to play with their children. Ironically, the one guy I brought my daughter around, ex found out and threw a fit!! He accused me of having sex in front of my child — um, no. I never had sex in my house – with either guy. And I did not have sex when my daughter was anywhere around – we went to the movies and went swimming. BUT it is okay for him to bring women over and to have sex when our daughter is at his house… irony…

College. Insurance. Car. None of this is talked about in my decree. Granted, my daughter was seven when I go divorced, but still I should have thought about the future.

Online Dating

I am shy around people. I am awkward around guys. I don’t know how to flirt or date. I don’t drink. I quit smoking back when I was twenty (I started smoking when I was thirteen). I don’t go to bars or clubs. I have a small circle of friends, but they have their on family to take care of.

So, I turned to online dating to try to find someone.

Okay, I’ve watched one too many Lifetime channel and Hallmark channel movies. I expected one of two situations: 1. to go on a date and be stuffed into a body bag or sold for sex trafficking, 2. find my soulmate and live happily ever after.

Obviously, neither has happened. ha-ha.

I was an emotional mess when I first started online dating. I was trusting. I was desperate. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to prove there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted sex.

It’d been eighteen months since I’d had sex, I wanted friends with benefits.

Can you believe I could not find a single guy interested in having sex with me? crazy huh?

Things happen for a reason.

I got catfished. I got my heartbroken. I got ghosted.

I have been trying online dating for four years – with a few breaks here and there. I had life lessons:

One, ghosting is not your fault.

Ghost and Zombies

A person will ghost because they found someone else. Consider it as dodging the bullet – just thank them in your head and move on!!

Avoid zombies. Zombie reenter your life to keep you on the back burner. They want to make sure you are available when THEY are ready. They always want a “plan b.”

Just block ghosts and zombies, you will save yourself a lot of issues right there.

Scammers

Avoid scammers. If their English is not correct – block. It is a scam to get money. Always do your research. Check pictures.

Military Scams

If they are “military” and “currently deployed” and they need money, gift cards, or something in order to contact their family, lawyer, whatever… RUN. BLOCK ASAP.

How will you know if it is a military scam?

They have one picture – typically. Usually in their BDUs’ (battle dress uniform) – yes, learn the lingo. KNOW YOUR TERMS. EDUCATE YOURSELF!! Pay attention to hair cut/style and facial hair. Know what are the regulations for hair in the military. Know if they are active duty then they will have to keep these regulations. Know what information is available. If they tell you that is classified information, they’re lying. If they sound like they are reading from a government/military website to describe their job or rank – they are scamming you.

Military guys talk like eye charts at the doctor’s office… BDU’s, AT Dates, BX, etc.

Military guys also don’t brag about being in the military. They want to talk about other things. Also, if they ask for money because they do not have access to their bank accounts – RUN. Even during deployments they have access to bank accounts, phones, internet, stores, food. Like I said, educate yourself.

I am a military scammers worse nightmare (my ex is military. I dated another branch member and I have a good friend that is in a third branch). They usually block me fairly quickly.

But let’s pretend you believe them.

Red Flags While Online Dating

What other red flags should you look for? They will ask: have you ever been with a military man? Are you currently talking to any other military men? (They don’t want to butt into another’s scam). Oh, my favorite line is: I’m currently deployed, will you wait for me?

Boy, please! I don’t even like waiting for the timer on my microwave to get to zero, why the hell would I wait for you…

Beware of cheaters…. This was a though lesson for me. I fell in love with a serial cheater. I spent seven months with him. My gut told me there was something wrong. I finally figured out what it was… he was engaged. Apparently they had been together for over three-years. I wasn’t the first chick he’d cheated with, but his future-wife continued to forgive him over and over.

There are so many married men on those sites. Know what to look for.

No picture.

No picture means move on!! They are hiding their identify for a reason. One picture is also a red flag. If they tell you that they don’t have a picture because they had to deal with a stalker, call bullshit and move on. These are the guys that haven’t had a date. They are making it seem like there are so many women wanting them. Boy, seriously? Do I look like I was born yesterday?!?

Avoid out of state guys, too. There is a reason they are looking out of state. Yes, another lesson I learned the hard way – the serial cheater was out of state. That way the women in his life did not run into each other.

Ask for current picture once you start chatting. They may have a picture online, but it was from ten years ago – I had that happen to me, too. Got to the date, he looked NOTHING like his picture.

Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, then block them. You don’t have to justify your reasons. You don’t have to explain yourself. EVER.

Know what you want: Do you want fwb, causal dating, relationship. Ask them what they want. If you don’t want the same things, move on.

Watch out for “separated” guys too. They are separated, but still legally married. That is a big no from me. I don’t touch nor talk to married guys. They lie. They say their wife knows they are on those sites. They play the victim – my wife doesn’t love me/ I’m in a sexless marriage. Again, move on! And watch for red flags – the serial cheater told me over and over that he did not have a girlfriend (at the time I thought it was directed towards me not being his girlfriend. I realize now that it was because he was engaged so he was keeping his lies straight.) He also lied and said he had never cheated.

Online dating is brutal. It is a game. Learn to play the game.

Unwanted Pictures While Online Dating

Be prepared for dick pix. Sorry.

It is going to happen.

You are going to see some nasty stuff while online dating. Prepare yourself.

My first dick pix, I DROPPED MY PHONE. In the effort to catch my phone before it hit the floor I pushed “call contact.” I CALLED HIM.

Let me tell you, he thought I was so excited about that picture that I could not wait to meet up with him… gross.

I was not prepared. I was sweet and innocent. The only one I’d really ever seen had been my ex’s. It was a shock getting a random man send me a picture.

Just don’t open pictures if you are not prepared. Give a fair warning. After that, they are fair game. I’ve seen women send the picture to the guy’s mom or girlfriend/wife. I’ve seen those pictures posted online and mocked by hundreds and thousands of other women. I’ve seen some women save them and send them to other men – that makes the guy leave pretty quick. An insult usually shuts them up. Report them and block them is the best route.

Same goes for you – if you would not share with others, then don’t send it. Don’t send pictures or texts/sexting unless you are completely prepared.

Play the Game. Know the Game.

Be prepared for players.

I know how to play the game. I play it very, very well.

Avoid the guys that say: baby, beautiful, sexy, angel.

I don’t know you. You are not allowed to give me some pet name. Gross. Because you know he is saying that to all the other women.

They use pet names, so they don’t have to remember real names.

Educate yourself of common phrases – they get them from websites and just copy and paste them.

Oh, and if they only focus on looks – you ask what kind of woman they are looking for they automatically say “you” or blonde, big tits, blah, blah, blah… They are wanting a one-night stand.

If they say they love you, they have been waiting to me you, you are so amazing and a wonderful person – RUN.

Sex and Online Dating

Another hard lesson for me, was being ghosted after sex. I felt like a slut. I was so ashamed of myself! How could I wait that long and fall into that trap. Twice actually…

The first guy did sleep with me twice and then ghost. The second guy was engaged. I ended up contacted his chick and sending texts from him as proof.

Hey, we’re human.

People make mistakes.

Consider it as a life lesson – learn from it and move on.

Practice safe sex. You don’t know who else they are doing. You don’t want to have pregnancy be a result of one night of fun. If they say they don’t have one – find one. Bring one with you! Hell, I have a box of condoms at my house. I would bring one with me, just in case. I’m an adult. If I want to have sex, then I want to be safe.

There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself. Just make sure that is what you want, and be safe.

Always bring money with you on a date. This is to get yourself a ride if you need to.

Meeting People from Online Dating Sites

So, let’s talk about meeting people online.

What a scary thought, huh? I know.

Get their phone number. Screenshot their profile picture. Tell someone where you are going to be at, who you are meeting – time, place.

I have actually sent a picture of the guy and information about his truck – including the tag information – to someone before.

I have met a guy at his house before – don’t do that. Please. It was not a great situation. It was a dangerous situation, but I learned from it.

Meet in a public place every. single. time.

Have a friend text you randomly to make sure are okay.

If you have a bad feeling during a date – it is okay to leave. I was on one date, he joked about how rape would be fun. I’m not going to lie – I was worried. I was looking for my nearest exit and a possible weapon, if needed.

I don’t recommend first dates to be at a restaurant or at the movies. If you are eating, then you are committed to stay for the entire meal. I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Don’t want them to ditch you after the meal and leave you with the bill.

Arrive before them, and leave after them. Don’t let them see your car. Don’t let them know which direction you are going to be driving from/to. Don’t ride with them – even if you know them. I went on a date with an old high school friend. Got in his car – horrible decision. Don’t do it.

If you have kids – protect your kids. Don’t post pictures of them on those dating sites. I will not chat with a man that has pictures of kids on his profile. Why? Because most of the time those are not even his kids. And, I want a man who is as protective of his kids as I am of mine.

I don’t answer questions about my kid either – until I get to know the person.

My Dad’s Death

November 30, 2018 my dad was heading to work. He was hit head on by another car. My dad was killed on impact. The other driver walked away from the scene with minor injuries. That guy was on four different types of drugs – including meth – at the time of the wreck. He was driving over 100mph.

I write about my dad’s death often. I know people are uncomfortable with death. But I struggle with this. I need an outlet.

I was a daddy’s girl.

I never got to tell my dad “goodbye.” It kills me daily.

Since my dad’s death, the guy that killed him has been in and out of jail numerous times. We are still waiting on the court date to hold him accountable for killing dad.

**Edit**

So, I have read through this post again – hopefully all the grammatical errors are fixed. I added some more information. I tried to keep it kind of organized – in my mind I have these millions of thoughts, and experiences spinning around.

Questions/After Thoughts

So, this was an insanely long post – I know. Thank you for reading it though.

If you have questions or comments leave a comment and I can add it into the post.

Being on Your Own

Someone asked how comfortable people are being on their own post divorce and how comfortable they were during their marriage. The responses were about half and half. Yes, I’m comfortable with living on my own. /No, I’m not comfortable.

Yes, I was comfortable being independent during my marriage./ No, I was not very independent during my marriage.

No matter how long your were married, it is probably going to take some adjusting to your new life.

When I was married, my ex worked nights and slept during the day. If I had to go to the store, majority of the time I went with my daughter while ex slept. I did not drive out of town. If I did, I knew the exact path and did not venture any from it. It took years for me to be comfortable to drive on the interstate without my anxiety paralyzing me. Being in town alone was the same story, if there were too many people I started having a panic attack.

That is why I stayed with him for so long. I could not function – or so I thought – on my own.

It takes a lot of adjusting living alone.

Silence.

The silence when my daughter was with ex drove me insane. I found myself either listening to the TV shows that she watched or sitting in the dark staring at the wall for hours.

Become comfortable with the silence. Give yourself a chance to reflect, relax, and even enjoy moments of silence. More than likely you are always going, always trying to survive. Take a moment. Breath. Relax.

Money.

One positive thing I will say about my ex is he was a workaholic. He always volunteered for overtime. He was always working. He also allowed me to be a stay at home mom for five years. Granted we didn’t have as much money as he is making now, but we survived. We were young. We were comfortable.

This is one area I cannot give any advice. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy just to save money in case something breaks.

I see this being an issue for several divorced individuals.

Do what you have to. You start making choices and changes in your life. Things you thought you needed, you realize you can not afford. You start deciding what you actually need compared to what you just want. My daughter is cared for. I am still wearing the same clothes that I have for almost a decade. They are worn. I cannot justify buying new ones.

Social life.

This is another area where I struggle. I did not have friends while I was married. I never had a girls’ night or a mommy and me group to hang out with. I took care of my daughter, the house, and my husband during my marriage. I sat at home while he would go to drill each month. After he finished on base, he would go out drinking. I remember seeing one receipt where he spent six dollars for a beer and left the waitress a fifteen dollar tip. I was so crushed. I could only imagine what flirting took place.

I see several people make a comment about how they lost friends after the divorce. Remember it is quality not quantity. But definitely make time to stay in contact with your true friends.

Relationships.

Third area that I struggle with… relationships. I have been divorced for five years. I have been done with my ex for about three years. I seriously did not think I would still be single by this time! I decided to do online dating. I thought I could easily find a man. Well… little did I know online dating is full of married men and creeps.

I do want a relationship. I do want to get married again. I don’t know if either will ever happen.

I took about a two week break from online dating. I decided to get back on there yesterday. Immediately, a couple of twenty-one year olds message me – ha!! A married man messages me – NO!! And a gamer messages me – nothing in common.

I guess I am going to continue to give online dating a try. I mean, I want a relationship so I have to make an effort, right? Really doubt Mr. Right is going to knock on my door. I have to go out and try to find him.

Or maybe decide I really just want fwb. Ugh… Sounds fun. But, can I do that? My anxiety, depression, and trust issues – is fwb a good choice for me?

I do miss having a relationship. I miss having an adult to talk to and share with. I miss being married to my best friend.

Identity.

Final thought. After your divorce, it is hard to find your identity. I was always known as ex’s wife, or my daughter’s mom. Never known by my name. Never known for me.

Figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. Find yourself.

“I Give Up”

Not going to lie, I had some horrible thoughts last night.

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. Actually, it was a fairly typical Monday. After school, my daughter had cheer practice and then a cooking class. So, it was late by the time we got home.

I went into the kitchen to pack her lunch for school for the next day. Went to wash my hands… nothing. Shit! We have no water!!

Of course, I tried each tap in the house. Still nothing. I walked around the house – inside and outside – listening for leaks. Nothing. I looked at the water heater. Didn’t see a puddle of water or anything.

By this time, I’m panicking. What am I going to do?!? We can not NOT have water!!

Now, if I was still married I would have a guy around to help with this situation. haha.

I’m thinking, okay if it is the water heater there is no money to buy a new one. How am I going to manage that? What if I need to hire a plumber?

Of course, I am trying to think of what bills I could avoid paying for a month or two and risk late fees and final notices. I’m trying to think of what I might be able to pawn for some quick cash. I have my wedding ring set – which has been in my family for several generations – that is probably the only thing of value I own. Could I really pawn it? I’m thinking maybe I could beg ex or my parents for some money. Maybe I could go to the bank and ask for a personal loan – but, seriously,  would a bank give me a loan right now. I think to myself, if I was thinner and prettier I could easily find a sugar daddy and get some quick cash for this mess.

All of these thoughts are really starting to affect me! I went to bed – still having no water – and trying to figure out what I was going to do. A really scary thought popped into my head, if I don’t get water then I am not providing a safe environment for my daughter. CPS would take her from me. This thought really pushes my depression and anxiety over the edge. “I give up.” I cannot handle this. Every time I jump a hurdle, another one appears.

Panic and stress fuel the suicidal thoughts. Sleep was absolutely impossible last night.

About 2am, I’m still wide awake. I get on my phone. Scrolling on social media, I see a beautiful post – another person with the same water company, asking if anyone else is without water. I huge sigh of relief spills over me.

I was able to get maybe thirty minutes of much needed sleep last night. Hopefully, the water will be back on today.

It’s crazy how quickly anxiety and depression can take over. Those that do not have anxiety and don’t understand it would probably think – you really went overboard very quickly. That is how anxiety works. It takes over and a million thoughts raced at once. You feel overwhelmed. Then depressed because you feel powerless in your own life.

Just really glad it’s not an issue that is going to cost me any money – this time…

Taking your life.

**Trigger warning**

I don’t get offended often – I mean, seriously, I deal with creeps during online dating; so, I’m used to a lot. However, there are some key issues that do offend me. I was scrolling through social media, and I came across a meme that actually made me want to cry, scream, and apparently blog.

Here is the meme I came across:

Image result for ex talks about suicide meme

Now, granted I have seen this episode and they do make it light-hearted.

So, why did it bother me so much when I seen the meme?

Because the page I saw it on was a support group. This is a group that is supposed to support each other. Hundreds of people laughed or liked this meme. They joked about their ex completing suicide (granted, they didn’t use the phrase “completing”). I couldn’t. I didn’t. Why? Because if it hadn’t been for my ex, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

Before I go into my story, I will clarify why I use “completing” instead of “committing.” I use completed because they finished their suicide. Most people think of “being committed” as either a long-term relationship or a mental institution.

**Triggering**

A few years ago I attempted suicide. I don’t remember much from that day. It’s more like I remember a few minutes here or there. I remember going to my ex’s house – it was my day to pick up my daughter. They had just got back from a few days trip out of state. He had bought her a brand new game, so she wanted to stay there and play her new game. I remember thinking to myself “I have to leave.” I was so hurt that my daughter did not want to come with me. I was hurt that ex had girlfriend. I was still so in love with him. I do not remember the drive to my house, at all. I remember grabbing a couple of bottle of pills and writing a note. I don’t remember what I wrote though. I started downing handfuls of pills. I remember my phone ringing. I answered it. It was my daughter calling. I do not remember the conversation. I remember it was that moment that I actually realized what I was attempting to do. I was going to do something so horrible that it was going to affect my daughter for the rest of her life. I started to force myself to get sick. My ex called this time. Again, I do not really remember the conversation. I remember him asking if I was alright. I said “I will be.” Ex came to my house. I had to go outside. I could not let my daughter see me like that. I was a mess. I remember him staying outside with me. I remember the feeling of the overdose.

*******

That’s why I don’t take that meme lightly. Seriously, if my ex hadn’t intervened then I really doubt I would be here. (I know it was my daughter that called, but she did use his phone.)

After seeing that meme, I turned my energy into positive energy. I started painting. I painted three rocks – all supported a semicolon.

For those that are not familiar with the semicolon’s meaning: in writing, the semicolon is used when the author can stop a sentence, but they choose to continue the sentence. Same is true with the semicolon when talking about suicide and life. People choose to continue living.

Related image

I do have a semicolon tattoo. It is my reminder that no matter how horrible life might be at that moment, I have to continue.

After I painted the three semicolon rocks, I posted online. I actually expected backlash from my paintings. Instead, I received love and support. Of course, I did not share MY story, but multiple people shared their stories. Loved ones had completed suicide and when they saw my rocks they felt positive emotions. They encouraged me to continue “rocking” the semicolon; to continue bringing awareness to mental illness.

Thank you for reading and following this blog. I know today’s post was sensitive. So, if you are having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, please seek help. Mental illness is tough. You have to battle what is in your own head every single moment of the day. Therefore, remember even on your “bad” days, you are a badass! Also, if you know someone that might be suicidal, please talk to him/her. Find help for them. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. Even if you are not sure of what to say, be there for them! Listen. Actually listen to them. Don’t judge.

***triggering***

And please be mindful of what you say!

I chatted with a guy a few years ago online. We never met in person due to distance. But we chatted daily for several months. He’d had someone close to him complete suicide. He was actually the person that his friend had called before he completed his suicide.

The guy – we’ll call him “Chris” – received a call from his friend. Chris told me that his friend was upset and crying. He talked about suicide. Chris tried talking his friend out of it, but the friend continued to say it was the only way. Chris said he was on the phone with his friend for over an hour. Chris was starting to lose his temper and get annoyed by the situation. Out of anger, frustration, and annoyance, Chris said something that continued to haunt him: If you are going to kill yourself, then just do it already.

Chris told me they hung up the phone and it was right after that his friend shot himself. Chris could not handle the guilt of that situation, so he attempted suicide himself. Somehow, Chris survived.

*****

As we chatted, we shared our stories. It was nice to chat with someone that understood. I know he told me he really appreciated having someone to talk to about this. (When we’d started chatting it’d only been a year since his friend’s death. Chris was feeling extra depressed because another loved one had just died also.)

I lost touch with Chris about two years ago. We’d tried talking to each other again. It was just like as if nothing had changed, but still the distance was not ever going to change. We disappeared out of each other’s lives.

As you read the story about Chris, what could he have done differently? Call the police to do a wellness check. I know if you are not familiar with mental illness then it can be frustration and make you feel powerless. My ex told me about my “stupid” and “crazy” behavior during my attempt.

Take care and best wishes.