Processing: fears, pain

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Yesterday, well last night, I found out ex got engaged. My daughter and I talked about it a lot last night. She is angry, bitter, hurt, sad. I asked her if she was happy. She said no.

We both knew it was coming. Ex moved in with girlfriend a couple of weeks of go – when exactly, I don’t even remember. But funny thing, he told our daughter the bad thing about moving in with girlfriend full-time is he has no where to go when he doesn’t want to be around girlfriend. I asked our daughter why wouldn’t ex want to be around girlfriend. Apparently, she gets annoying to ex and there are some days he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her.

My daughter said she had seen pictures of rings on ex’s phone. So, she knew it was coming, but she was still hurt that ex did not tell her. She said yesterday before school she asked him to bring her lunch – fast food – and he hesitated and told her that he would be out of town – he knew what his plans were. WHY COULDN’T HE HAD JUST TAKEN FIVE MINUTES AND TALK TO OUR DAUGHTER?!? What, was he scared of what our daughter would say? If he thinks he is making a mistake then maybe he shouldn’t have asked girlfriend to marry him.

I’m bitter that girlfriend got a better proposal than I did – why? I really don’t know. I mean, ex isn’t a “better” person now. So, I really don’t know why I’m a little hurt about that. I’m very hurt that he would avoid our daughter’s feelings and talking to her.

One thing that really does hurt is I’m. Still. Single.

This really brings me to tears! I was faithful during our marriage. I was faithful to him after our divorce. I have tried to date. I have been ghosted, stood up, catfished, lied to, and yet I still can not find anyone to date, much less actually have a relationship with.

Why does ex get everything? A new wife. Kids. An easy job. Lots of money.

As stupid as it sounds, I think I’m being punished.

Yes, I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m scared.

A few fears:

What if they get married on “our” wedding date. I may throw up if that happens. So, ex doesn’t pay a lot with child support. I’ve never taken him back to court even though he is making so much more, because when I say our kid needs something he will bitch and moan, but he will give me the money for it. Since he got this job on the base, he is making so much more, he has started giving extra every two weeks. He knows the courts would order him to pay more child support, so this is a why to keep me “content.” What if that extra money stops? What if anytime our daughter needs something, he has to go through girlfriend first?

What if their marriage doesn’t last? My daughter has already lived through one divorce; them breaking up multiple times; and moving into girlfriend’s house. What would another divorce do to her? Girlfriend has already been married twice before. So, a divorce in their future is not a wild leap, seriously. Ex is a challenge to live with – and they don’t even live together all the time. He lives out of state most of the week and just comes in on weekends. Hmm, I want them to have to live together full-time and see this isn’t some joke, a fun little sleep-over, or high school dating.

This morning, I woke up and ex being engaged was the first thought that popped into my head. I think yesterday’s feelings and actions – not being sad or really mad, just annoyed by his behavior of not telling our daughter – were from shock. I think today I am processing it and real feelings are coming out now. I am teary-eyed. I am scared and hurt. I’m trying to figure out why though. I think I still love ex – or at least the idea of him that I’ve forced myself to have for so many years. I’m afraid of the future – the money; he already chooses them over our daughter – I fear it will be worse now. What if he adopts the kids? What if he gets killed? Will girlfriend get the benefits? Will everything still go to our daughter?

I know this is a topic I am going to write about a lot. I need to process. I need to understand my feelings. I need to understand the best way to support my daughter.

Doesn’t help that physically I’ve been in pain for a couple of days. I’m going to blame the insane weather… But my c-section scar is about to kill me. Not sure what the deal is.

3 thoughts on “Processing: fears, pain

    1. Thank you. As the day is going, my not handling very well. In fact, ex sent me a text today. It was a photo. My heart stopped, I was so afraid it was going to be them or the ring or something. Luckily, it was just dates for military.

      Liked by 1 person

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