Where does my loyalty remain after the divorce?

When I was married, I was loyal to my husband – 100%. I don’t mean just being with him and no one else (sexually and romantically); I mean during issues with family. I took my husband’s side every time. I stood up for him. I protected him.

Who gets my loyalty now that I am divorced? Obviously my child gets my loyalty 100%.

But who comes next? My family or my ex?

Yesterday, my child went to camp for a few days. My car isn’t the greatest vehicle out there. I’d asked my parents if they would like to come with us and give us a ride. Of course they could have said “no.” Honestly, I was surprised when they did not decline the request! Even yesterday when they were supposed to arrive, I was surprised they came. There have been many times we have planned something or I needed help with something and they refused or back out at the last minute. I was happy when they showed up. The car trip was pleasant. They got to see and visit with my daughter on the way to camp. The trip back wasn’t too bad either. They plan on coming back up and making the trip to pick up my child, too.

So, where’s the issue? Where does the question of loyalty come into play?

Hours later, I was scrolling on social media. I seen a post my mom made about taking her granddaughter to camp that day. My mom still has my ex as a friend on social media. I knew what drama was going to happen. I prepared myself.

My ex makes the comment on social media about how if he’d known my parents were the ones “having” to take my daughter to camp he would have found someone else. My mom said, Why? I’m her grandmother. I didn’t mind doing it. He says if they had been busy or had to go out of their way, he could have done something by finding someone else because he knew it was a long trip. This continues back and forth for a bit before I decide I better step in. I make the comment telling him if there is an issue then he can talk to ME about it, and not on social media.

First let me say, ex has never drove my daughter to camp. He has never offered to give me money for gas to take her to camp. The “someone else” would had either been his girlfriend or his mother. So, what is the difference between me asking – and going with – my parents, and him asking his girlfriend or parents? His opportunity to make me look bad? To look like a bad mother? A lazy person?

Second, I do not think I was in the wrong to ask MY parents for a ride. It is my family. It is my business. My ex is not even in the country; he is deployed. If my parents had been busy or didn’t want to – trust me – they would have said something – my parents are NOT shy. They speak their mind, no matter if its what I want to hear or not.

Then I get a message from my mom saying she’d sent ex a private message. She copied and pasted the message to him for me to see. I was so irritate. She talked about her disappointment in him. He is spending money on others instead of his own child. It’s been months since he’d sent a child support check.

I called her. I asked her why? Why send that? Why cause more drama for me?

She said she is entitled to her own opinion, and I cannot tell her what she can and cannot say to my ex.

True. She is an adult. But what is it going to accomplish by sending that message?

She thinks that message is going to be a wake up call for ex. She thinks it is going to make him want to give us more in child support.

Here’s the question of loyalty coming into play.

I told my mom that ex is deployed, he will send a check sometime. He sends a few weeks at a time about every six to eight weeks. It works. Should I get more child support? Absolutely. BUT, I make it work. I know if I seriously need something for my daughter, ex will give me money. He pays for her sports. He pays for her school clothes.

My mom’s response? She told me to stop defending him. She told me to stop being a pushover. Stop being so nice. Don’t be scared of him.

I’m not scared of my ex-husband.

Am I too nice? Am I a pushover? Perhaps. My reason? My daughter.

There is no reason to have hate toward ex. There is no reason to fight and have drama. If I ask for money for her, he will probably give it to me. He may complain, but he will give it to me – most of the time. Yes, more child support each week would help so much. But, I make it work. I keep my bills paid. I make sure my child has food and shelter. She is loved and cared for.

I want to be the bigger person. I don’t care about the money. I want to be a role model for my child. I don’t want her to have to choose between parents. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hate either of us. She knows ex has money, and I struggle with money. I don’t want her to feel like it is her fault or anything.

My conversation with my mom continued on. I gave her my reasoning. I told her why I was upset about the message, but also told her I get why she sent it. I said if getting my daughter from camp is going to be an issue, then don’t worry about it. She then told me I was acting just like my ex.

Ouch. Name calling? Eh. I do online dating. I’ve been called worse, and spoken to a lot worse than that.

So, who gets my loyalty? My family or my ex? I still don’t know.

I just know, I’m too old for drama. I just want to be a great mom for my daughter, and for people not to present obstacles in my everyday life.


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