Every day since my divorce I have had to adjust to my new life as a divorced mom. Everyday brings something new. I’m about to be a divorced mom of a teenager girl, that is going to bring new challenges and take some adjusting as well.
I’ve had to adjust to not being with my ex, which the past few days he has been haunting my dreams. I am not sure why. The dreams start off pleasant enough, but end up abusive. One dream was very sexual, but in the dream after ex climaxed he grabbed me and told me that he’d never loved me and then tried to kiss me again. I woke up feeling grossed out.
Again, I’m not sure why he is in my dreams. I haven’t seen nor talked to him more than a few minutes here or there over the past week:
Thursday, he picked up our daughter nothing was really said. Just the typical hi/bye.
Friday, my daughter had cheer practice. Well, the location got moved so I did call ex to make sure he knew where to take her. The girls were practicing for a Saturday performance. On the phone, ex said he’d forgot that he’d had plans for Saturday. I told him that I knew that he had plans – my daughter had told me weeks ago. Ex said that he’d forgot because he has been so stressed out with work – another adjustment, not asking for additional information. I would have used to ask why was he stressed out. Used to, I would had cared why he was stressed out. This time, I didn’t say a word. I just continued conversation by saying that I knew he was taking the youngest of girlfriend’s kids out of town for her birthday. Ex cut me off and said that he was taking everyone, not just the one child. Again, I continued saying what I was going to say. I told ex if he wanted I would be willing to switch days – I take Saturday and he could have Sunday. (In my mind, he could still come and see our daughter cheer at her performance and then on Sunday he could take all of them out of town and do the “family trip” plans.) Ex did not respond. He ignored my offer. Okay, fine by me.
Friday night, my daughter was texting me from girlfriend’s house. She was upset about her room. She sent me some pictures. Another adjustment: trying to comfort my child from whatever location ex has her at. I was telling her the room is going to be awesome once girlfriend’s kid’s stuff is taken out and my daughter gets to make the room “hers.” Again, I am having to make adjustments: being supportive of my child living at girlfriend’s house – I still do not know where she lives. Even though I think ex is making a stupid mistake, I am trying to be supportive for my daughter. Well, during our texting she mentioned that ex was going to switch days with me. Really?!? I told her I didn’t know anything about it.
About five minutes later, I get a text from ex: I’m switching days with you. Sorry about that
Are you kidding me?!? First off, he could not talk to me earlier in the day like a grown man while we were on the phone so we could discuss times and everything. Then – I find out that he told my daughter to tell me because he did not want to text me – he tells me that he is switching days, not asking if the offer was still on the table.
My response: Oh yeah? What times?
Ex replies: 8am until whenever you want me to pick her up.
Again, didn’t ask when would work for me. He told me – typical behavior from him.
I found out 8am because he was still taking the family trip – without my daughter – and they had to be on the road by 8:30.
That’s another adjustment – one that I am still fighting, but I guess I need to pick my battles. Ex does not communicate with me. He sends messages through our daughter. He will not talk to me like a grown man. And he is so pussy-whipped that he has to check with girlfriend about everything. That is also the reason he does not communicate with me, girlfriend hates when he has anything to do with me. She has two ex husbands already and does not talk to either of them. She thinks exes should not talk to each other. So, since being with her, ex has the same stupid idea in his head.
Hate to tell them, but ex used to think I was so amazing that he loved me, married me, and had a child with me. We are stuck in each other lives forever because we have a child together. So, grow up people.
Sometimes I wonder if ex still loves me or if he is just playing mind games with me. Last weekend, he came to my house – still dropping off some of my belongings from his house. He stood there and flirted with me.
Another adjustment, one that is so hard: being a supportive role model for my daughter when she talks about her time with ex, girlfriend, and girlfriend’s three kids.
I’m not going to lie – I want to roll my eyes, scoff, and call them both idiots.
I do slip up. The damn “lick a biscuit” I did say that was a stupid saying. Yesterday, my daughter asked if I’d watched a new movie – I haven’t seen it, yet. She said girlfriend said it was a stupid movie – I automatically rolled my eyes and dismissed girlfriend’s opinion. I caught myself after the fact, and said to my daughter that I had not seen it, so I plan on still watching it.
Saturday, I was in shock that ex brought by daughter to my house at 8:15am. He left for the entire day with girlfriend and her kids. He did not watch our daughter’s performance – nor did he ask me for any pictures or anything. Instead, he texted my daughter for about thirty minutes after he dropped her off, trying to get her to come with them instead.
I felt so bad. My daughter wanted to do both. She asked ex to come to the performance and go out of today on Sunday, and he refused. I told my daughter, it was her choice if she wanted to go with him or stay with me and go to her performance.
Another adjustment, hoping that I don’t show my hurt when my daughter has to choose between ex or me. I get he has money. I get he is the Disneyland parent.
My daughter did very well with her performance. She got to play some games, eat a snow cone, and hang out with friends. We watched a few movies and played board games. She got all of her homework done.
I know she had fun. She laughed and smiled.
Then, she would check her phone and her entire disposition would change. She would slump and start to frown.
Found out ex was sending pictures of what they were doing to my daughter. Girlfriend’s kids were posting pictures of their fun “family trip” on social media.
Again, I don’t know how to handle this. I want to text ex and tell him exactly what I think of his behavior. I want to comfort my child and apologize that her father is the way that he is. I want to be in a relationship with an amazing man to show my daughter that all men are not like ex.
Some adjustments are easy to get used to. Others have taken years. Some I am still trying to adjust to.
One, that we all adjusted to fairly quickly were holidays.
I remember the first Christmas that girlfriend was around. I brought my daughter over to ex’s house – my daughter wanted me to watch her open gifts. Ex threw a fit and told me to get out because he thought I would cause drama – he spent more on girlfriend’s kids than his own daughter and he bought girlfriend “better” stuff then he’d ever even dreamed of buying me.
I actually adjusted to splitting holidays fairly well. My family adjusted easily – I’m divorced and I have a sibling that is divorced. So, my family is used to adjusting to schedules – having Christmas early or late depending on when everyone can be there.
I have Christmas early or late depending on when I have my daughter.
One holiday that we do not split – we celebrate together – is our daughter’s birthday. That in itself takes some adjusting. Ex brings girlfriend’s kids – but not girlfriend – it stings. It is a slap to the face to me.
Honestly, if he brought the teenagers, I would not care – I have not had an issues with those two girls personally. My daughter seems to get along very well with them. But the third child, that is the one that causes issues.
I still get sad remembering the conversation between the two of us when we were married and thinking about having a second child. Ex told me he didn’t want any more children because he did not want to take a chance of having another girl and having to deal with all the drama and hormones. Now, he plays “dad” to three girls – not counting our child. It still brings tears. Why does he get the family that I wanted? Why am I probably going to die a single, cat lady? (Okay, I’m not to that point… yet). It is still depressing though.
7 thoughts on “Divorce Takes Adjusting”
There’s no fair in love and war, but that being said, you’re being a good mom and that’s all that counts. As for his dismissive, changing schedule etc., well, I thought my former husband would never pull that stuff, but I was completely blinded and wrong. He did all that and more. My friendly advice is to not expect him to co-parent, to be there etc. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of your daughter. Take the high road. And do what you can to make yourself and your daughter happy. You and your daughter are number one now. All that they previously said to us goes out the window when there’s a new gf in the vicinity. You aren’t alone. We’re all here to support you. I’m sorry this is happening.
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Thank you. You’re right, everything we’d ever talked about (not bringing new people around or how we would co-parent) doesn’t matter now. He has his focus. Even if it is not what I think, or want, him to be focusing on.
And when you let go of that, even though it’s so hard to do, it won’t affect you as much…and I KNOW how hard it is…take care of you xo
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Yes, it is hard to let go, but I am making an effort.
Yay Stormie! Just gotta try and it will come! ♥
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I totally feel for you and the crap that you’re dealing with. My therapist has told me that a child just needs one good parent. Your daughter knows that you’re the good parent and that her dad isn’t, with that said, she can take some power for herself and decide to spend time with him or not and lay out her expectations for a visit with him. She is the one with the real power in this to decide and take power away from him. With that said, those tools are hard to learn, but the truth is, she is only trapped by his “power” if she believes she is. Does this make sense? Also, you have a legal right to have the address of where your daughter is staying when she is not in your care.
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Makes pretty sense. Agree 100%.
I finally did get the address, yesterday. Since he is moving there I have to have a current address and phone number for him at all times. Finally got the address. And to prove I’m not psycho – I did not drive past the house nor did I even search it on maps. I figure I will do that when I actually need to know.